disbelief Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Hey everyone, Long story short, my GF and I have been together for about 4 yrs and have a 2.5 yr old son. about 3 months ago she left, some of the reasons she said she left were: " i love you but im not in love with you" "i need to work on myself" "everything you say makes me mad and i have so much resentment built up" and other various stuff along those lines. so low and behold she ends up hanging with another guy pretty quick and they had sex. i then went hard 180 on her and basically told her to never contact me except for are son at which point she dumped the other guy and came back. we had great make up sex and all that and now shes moving back in. i think her reasons for leaving were BS, and what really happened is she lost attraction because i was wanting the relationship more then her. i would always be more affectionate, i would always go to hug her and kiss her, she would never come to me etc. im a nice caring guy, 6ft, good looking, no big issues - but for whatever reason she just become cold, i believe its from being too affectionate. so is it wrong to want constant affection or is this something that men shouldn't do? Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 She left because you gave her too much affection? Seriously??? No dude. That is ridiculous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think it makes sense. By being overly affectionate you can create an imbalanced dynamic where one has more power in the relationship than the other. She became the distancer, you became the pursuer. This leads to a general decline in respect and admiration from the distancer. You can be too available, even in a LTR. There has to be a certain amount of push and pull in order to keep both people interested. We want what we can't have. When you become overly affectionate the mystery, tension and longing tend to fade. Some people (codependents?) need the constant smothering of affection to feel happiness. To most people it's just a turn off and makes you appear weak, needy or less valued than your partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 On the topic of showing affection; I am very physically affectionate and I love to give and receive affection. I consider affection one of my top needs and I wouldn't be able to be with a person who was not affectionate. It is an individual thing so there is no way anyone can say being overly affectionate is a good or bad thing. It's up to the individuals involved. Mostly I think there needs to be balance. If one person is always doing and giving and the other is always receiving then there is something amiss. The giver starts to feel cheated and the receiver can feel suffocated and guilty which leads to resentment on both sides. I love to give to a relationship but if it's not being reciprocated I back off because I want my actions to build positive feelings in both myself and my partner. Relationships are about give and take. I would caution you about having your gf move back in so quickly? What has changed? Having some hot make up sex didn't fix any of your problems. Be more mature than that. Perhaps your gf has valid complaints that you need to work on. If she isn't happy then she needs to be more precise about what she wants. Her list of reasons sound shallow and not very well thought out. She has to dig deeper and so do you. Lastly what was all involved concerning the guy she started seeing? Was he in the picture before she left? If so then you have a cheater on your hands which is a whole other problem. You need to get to the root of your problems with this woman and then decide if you two can truly have a rewarding relationship with each other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oli. Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 What really happened - Your girlfriend met another guy, he led her on and let her believe that they were going to be together. She leaves you then finds out that the guy was just interested in the sex so she goes back to you. The same thing will probably happen again in the future if you stay with her. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 What really happened - Your girlfriend met another guy, he led her on and let her believe that they were going to be together. She leaves you then finds out that the guy was just interested in the sex so she goes back to you. In addition to this, she had to justify her leaving by vilifying you and your relationship. Hence the "" i love you but im not in love with you", "i need to work on myself", "everything you say makes me mad and i have so much resentment built up", etc. I'd be asking myself if she came back out of love or need. Big difference between the two... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author disbelief Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 She seen the guy when she was 18 so he was a safe bet I assume. I am more of an emotional giver with affection etc. I understand if I back off she will start to pursue but I want someone that will be equally affectionate. Perhaps I am needy? Perhaps my happiness relies on her giving me attention? Or maybe I just want an affectionate partner. Is it wrong to want a hug/kiss goodbye in the morning? Or a "how are you baby" text during the day? A cuddle at night? Maybe she's just emotionally damaged or hard headed and wants the typical tuff guy. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) All i can say, is that i would never leave a person for being overly affectionate. I would , however, leave if i felt they were using affection as a currency for my love: i love you now .. you have to love me. type thing ; look how much i love you, love me!! yeah.. affection can be both a sincere gesture and a manipulative gesture Manipulation and disingenuous ("loving") behavior is scary and would make me dash Edited October 8, 2015 by casey.lives Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 You MUST be needy to take her back. She clearly left you to go bang her ex. When it didn't work out, she comes crawling back for support. NOT for your love. She will continue to use you, because she knows she can get away with it. You are soooooo desperate and need to be in a relationship, you will except a piss poor one to satisfy your needs. You will give and give and give for this woman in hopes of the little scraps of affection she occasionally shows you. Get some IC and learn how to respect and love yourself first. Then work on finding a healthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 What really happened - Your girlfriend met another guy, he led her on and let her believe that they were going to be together. She leaves you then finds out that the guy was just interested in the sex so she goes back to you. The same thing will probably happen again in the future if you stay with her. This is especially true if she has a baby to think about. There's nothing wrong with wanting and giving affection. It's normal in a loving relationship. You shouldn't feel that you have to hold back from hugging or kissing your mate. It sounds like you are not compatible or her feelings are not as strong for you as yours are for her. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 What really happened - Your girlfriend met another guy, he led her on and let her believe that they were going to be together. She leaves you then finds out that the guy was just interested in the sex so she goes back to you. The same thing will probably happen again in the future if you stay with her. Yep, she's a liar. Why be so nice to anyone treating you at any subpar level? Know that she isn't making only you her top priority - she's been looking for her better deal. Treat her as though she IS the ex. Only communicate about the child. Move forward knowing you can find a partner better suited to your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 All i can say, is that i would never leave a person for being overly affectionate. I would , however, leave if i felt they were using affection as a currency for my love: i love you now .. you have to love me. type thing ; look how much i love you, love me!! yeah.. affection can be both a sincere gesture and a manipulative gesture Manipulation and disingenuous ("loving") behavior is scary and would make me dash Exactly, there is no quid pro quo in a healthy relationship. You give because you want to, not because you expect something in return. That is indeed a form of manipulation. How do you feel about your own self worth? Do you struggle with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author disbelief Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I was thinking that she went and had a taste of what it would be like and found that the grass wasn't greener. Perhaps this guy sucked in bed? We have good sex and I make sure she gets off. I feel as though the resentment she had turned her off but a part of me also believes that she left becusee she thought she could do better and things just got repetitive for her. To be totally honest tgere are things about her that turn me off but I am willing to accept her for who she is. Nobody is perfect. We have a son, a family. Her leaving really surprised me and I was devastated when I found out what was going on. I feel as though when se sensed her backup plan (me) pulling away with the 180 she panicked and ran back, not that he dumped her. We went to MC and she said that she never thought of him in a relationship way , the sex just sort of happend. But she did lie about her intentions with him and she didn't admit that she had sex with him untIL she wasn't seeing him anymore. She gave me alot of trickle truth throughout the affair. She also kept telling me she needed time and would even hang out with me and our son, I guess trying to confirm that the option was still available. Typical cake eater stuff. She has basically blamed her resentment towards me for her reason for leaving. But then why the instant relationship with the other guy? I'm half believeing her and half calling it bull**** but in feel I can't just walk away from the family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disbelief Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yes. I struggle with self worth but honestly who doesn't to some degree? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 But YOU weren't the one to walk away from the 'family' - she was. That's not yours. You seem to want to own her behavior as if it is yours. It is only hers. The family unit is you and your child. You aren't married to her. Make the best life possible with you and your child. Mom isn't dependable or predictable. Those aren't good qualities in any partner. You can't change her - you can only change yourself. She lies. She cheats. She's not loyal. She has shown you who she is. Believe her. I hope you conclude that those qualities are not enough in a life partner. If you have low self esteem then get help to get to a better place FOR YOURSELF. This is only your responsibility. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) WLots of multiple things going on here. She was probably at least attracted to him for a longer time than you realize. She also probably was losing attraction to you for a long time. "ILYBNILWY" and "I need time" and "I need to work on myself" etc etc are classic lines indicating an involvement with someone else. The solid role that all your doting and all your affection played are that she felt secure enough in your love and devotion to her that she knew she could screw other dudes and you'd still keep her. She was right. Edited October 8, 2015 by oldshirt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Cont.... There are two general forces at play in relationships. One is animal attraction, desire and excitement "alpha". The other is comfort, rapport and security "beta". A relationship needs both in adequate degrees to survive. You lacked the 'alpha' traits and behaviors to keep her in your bed and she became attracted to the OM and wanted to sleep with him for excitement and stimulation. The role your 'beta' traits and behaviors played is she felt safe enough in your love and devotion for her that she knew she could take a time out from your relationship, ride this other dude like a big white horse for awhile and test drive him. And then when that didn't work out long term, she knew you'd take her back with red carpets, ticker tape parades and open arms. ....which you did. You have taught her she can bang other dudes for fun, then show back up on your doorstep with big sad eyes and a lame story and she will be welcomed back warmly. If you don't straighten yourself up and grow some balls, you are absolutely, 100%, without question, guarenteed of her screwing around again. 100% guarenteed. You are going to have to dial up the alpha way up. Dial down the beta to barely humane levels and make her pay a price for what she did. Nothing illegal or harmful of course. But you took her back way too easily and you rewarded her. She now has no reason or incentive to not go to the bar and pick up a new dude each week when she feels a little restless. Look up the term cuckold. That is what you are now if you don't get some boundaries and actually enforce them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yes. I struggle with self worth but honestly who doesn't to some degree? Lots of people don't. I DO. That is why I recognize what is happening here. Get some IC man. I've just started. Its never too late to face this issue. It takes guts too. Because its all to easy to see yourself as nothing. Its also very easy to set up self fulfilled prophecies that validate your own false sense of self worth. FALSE sense of self worth. I struggle every day man, but I'm working on it. Stop setting yourself up to be let down. I know the pain it causes. You do yourself a disfavour. You are worth so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disbelief Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I know I shouldn't take her back but honestay I'm so damn weak I just want her in my arms. How can I up the alpha and make her work for it? She's wanting to move back in etc. I know I should make her Wait but I don't want her to get another guy. On top of it all in dont want my son to have another daddy role in his life. Tuff situation. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Cont.... There are two general forces at play in relationships. One is animal attraction, desire and excitement "alpha". The other is comfort, rapport and security "beta". A relationship needs both in adequate degrees to survive. You lacked the 'alpha' traits and behaviors to keep her in your bed and she became attracted to the OM and wanted to sleep with him for excitement and stimulation. The role your 'beta' traits and behaviors played is she felt safe enough in your love and devotion for her that she knew she could take a time out from your relationship, ride this other dude like a big white horse for awhile and test drive him. And then when that didn't work out long term, she knew you'd take her back with red carpets, ticker tape parades and open arms. ....which you did. You have taught her she can bang other dudes for fun, then show back up on your doorstep with big sad eyes and a lame story and she will be welcomed back warmly. If you don't straighten yourself up and grow some balls, you are absolutely, 100%, without question, guarenteed of her screwing around again. 100% guarenteed. You are going to have to dial up the alpha way up. Dial down the beta to barely humane levels and make her pay a price for what she did. Nothing illegal or harmful of course. But you took her back way too easily and you rewarded her. She now has no reason or incentive to not go to the bar and pick up a new dude each week when she feels a little restless. Look up the term cuckold. That is what you are now if you don't get some boundaries and actually enforce them. So in a nutshell......no, it's not that you were "too affectionate." Its that you weren't strong and sexy and exciting enough to keep her from losing her attraction to you and becoming attracted to someone else. It's not that you were too "beta", it's that you weren't "alpha" enough. The role the affection and the doting played is that she felt secure in the knowledge you would be quick to forgive her and take her back after she screwed this dude(s). ..... yes there are probably other guys you don't know about yet. This was pretty bold and blatant to be her first. She basically played you like a fiddle. The only way to keep her out of other mens beds from here on out is to become stronger and have much more strong boundaries and guard them like the Sentinel of Zoltar. And you are going to have to institute consequences when she violates them. She has gotten away with this scot-free and has been rewarded for her fun with other dudes. The affection did not cause this to happen and it did not make her screw other guys. It made her feel safe that you would take her back without repercussions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disbelief Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 So what are some strong alpha boundaries I can set? How can I let her know that it wasn't acceptable without being a jerk? Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Another thing, dont listen to these idiots talking about how you weren't "this or that" enough for her. This is what you are looking for. More validation that you arent good enough. F*** those MFers who say ignorant $hit like "you failed here or you failed there." SHE IS THE ONE WHO LEFT YOU FOR AN EX! SHE is the one who didnt have the guts to step up to the plate and tell you what she was missing. SHE is the one who lied to you. SHE is the one crawling back to you now that her life is $hit without anyone. NOW the ball is in YOUR court. You either accept what is given to you, or you stand up for yourself. You make a stand! You let it be known to EVERYONE that you love and respect yourself. You are not someone to be F***ed with. You are WORTH IT! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! Don't listen to the haters. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr1oyalty Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yeah I hear a lot of this alpha beta stuff but, the whole idea of "increasing" your "alpha" to win back a "beta" chick is very ..... well........"beta" ! If one ascribes to such ideas. The only alpha thing to do is drop any chick who feels your too beta or alpha. Be you, and respect you, if the chick does not like you, drop her for the woman that wants you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 How can I up the alpha and make her work for it? She's wanting to move back in etc. I know I should make her Wait but I don't want her to get another guy. You've already made your decision, each scenario ends with you taking her back despite the lies and infidelity. Hard to bluff when you've laid your cards face-up on the table... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 If she's in a hurry "to get another guy" then that means she doesn't think she wants you. When someone REALLY wants you and only you - they will move mountains to be with you. She lied. She cheated. She's not likely to be better toward you when you make her comfortable - don't have her move in. IF you are the one - she will wait and make it work. Why would you even want her under the circumstances as they are now? She's not even being decent. Link to post Share on other sites
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