being too affectionate with long term GF?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Any of this stuff look familiar OP? Like before you guys split?

 

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

 

I could be projecting at this point. Lemme know if I'm way off base with that link. Just curious I suppose.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I know I shouldn't take her back but honestay I'm so damn weak I just want her in my arms.

 

 

 

How can I up the alpha and make her work for it?

 

but I don't want her to get another guy.

 

 

 

 

Read the statements you wrote above.

 

 

Those are the reasons you will fail.

 

 

You can't pretend to be strong and have boundaries in order to manipulate someone and get them back. You have to actually have boundaries.

 

 

When people violate those boundaries, you have to actually enforce them and live by them. Even when that means living without the other person.

 

 

At some point the pain her continually cheating on you and walking on you will taint your love for her and then you'll be ready to let her go.

 

 

Once you let her go and kick the bitch out, then you will have grown a pair.

 

 

Then you will realize the power of self determination and you will determine to never let anyone walk or you or take advantage of you and manipulate you again.

 

 

Then in 25 years, you will be the one helping younger guys grow a spine and stand up for themselves against cheating ho's.

 

 

As long as you still see her as the special snowflake and can't live without her and accept her treatment of you without repercussion, you are still powerless and she still controls the situation and calls the shots and she will continue to disrespect you and mistreat you and cheat on you.

 

 

There is not parlor tricks or Jedi mind tricks here. You have to be truly be ready, willing and able to let her go.

[oldshirt]

So what are some strong alpha boundaries I can set? How can I let her know that it wasn't acceptable without being a jerk?

 

 

 

-See a lawyer about division of any shared property, bank accounts, financial instruments as well as child care and child custody arrangements.

 

 

- no longer allow her to reside in your home.

 

 

- Only provide financial support to the child.

 

 

- do not provide her any companionship, friendship, errands, chores, fixing of her car or new apartment etc etc

 

 

- only discuss with her matters that pertain directly to the child. All other communications are directed through your attorney or not at all.

 

 

- Start dating other women.

 

 

You don't have to be a jerk about any of those things. Just matter of fact and 'git'er done'. You don't have to hate. Just remove your support, resources and companionship and love and acceptance from her.

[Popsicle]

Hey everyone,

 

Long story short, my GF and I have been together for about 4 yrs and have a 2.5 yr old son.

 

about 3 months ago she left, some of the reasons she said she left were:

 

" i love you but im not in love with you"

 

"i need to work on myself"

 

"everything you say makes me mad and i have so much resentment built up"

 

and other various stuff along those lines.

 

so low and behold she ends up hanging with another guy pretty quick and they had sex.

 

i then went hard 180 on her and basically told her to never contact me except for are son at which point she dumped the other guy and came back.

 

we had great make up sex and all that and now shes moving back in.

 

 

i think her reasons for leaving were BS, and what really happened is she lost attraction because i was wanting the relationship more then her.

 

i would always be more affectionate, i would always go to hug her and kiss her, she would never come to me etc. im a nice caring guy, 6ft, good looking, no big issues - but for whatever reason she just become cold, i believe its from being too affectionate.

 

so is it wrong to want constant affection or is this something that men shouldn't do?

 

I personally would love it.

[S2B]

If she hasn't addressed the issues and resentments she had against you and worked through all of them- then you're just inviting an angry in affectionate gal back into your home... And I would never advise it.

 

A partner should be giving as much or more than you when they've cheated.

 

 

Think long and hard about it - because it looks like she's just using you.

 

But that really can't happen unless you allow it.

 

Don't allow it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This isn't about being more alpha male and less affectionate for heaven's sake, this is about having some self respect and setting boundaries with a woman who clearly enjoys crossing them.

 

I would have cut off my right arm for my ex husband to have been even remotely affectionate or attentive to me! Don't ever change that part of yourself. Any self respecting woman with half a brain and an ounce of dignity would be over the moon to have a man like you to come home to every night.

 

The issue is HER but YOU also need to take some responsibility for having taught her how to treat you. Having a child together certainly complicates things, I know, but at some point you have to realize that the repeated cycle of her coming and going, together then broken up isn't exactly instilling a sense of security in your child which is very important to their overall development.

[anika99]

I know I shouldn't take her back but honestay I'm so damn weak I just want her in my arms.

 

How can I up the alpha and make her work for it?

 

She's wanting to move back in etc. I know I should make her Wait but I don't want her to get another guy.

 

On top of it all in dont want my son to have another daddy role in his life.

 

Tuff situation.

 

If you have to change yourself to keep her than she isn't the one working for it, you are. If you feel like you have to play some type of role playing game to keep her than you are still not having a good honest and healthy relationship with her. The only way this is going to work is for her to feel honest remorse (not regret or guilt), confess all, and show a complete willingness to work on herself. Right now she has you thinking you are the one who has to change and become a different/better person for her. How messed up is that? She is the one that broke your relationship and you're the one who has to fix it?

 

 

If she truly left just because she was bored of having the same man everyday then she is very immature and stunted. All relationships go through periods of boredom. That's the time to start getting creative about spicing it up again. How boring of her to have no better idea other than screwing another guy. Is she mentally stunted? You are letting her put this all on you and allowing her back way to easy. Make her work for it by not taking her back until she earns it

[sandylee1]

I love affection and would never leave a man because he showed me affection. Good morning kiss and cuddles are lovely. I go and kiss my H at the door when he gets back from work, if I'm home first.

 

I would be careful not to mistake clingyness for affection though. My friends husband calls her constantly when we go out or for girlie weekends away. He might consider that affection, but I find it annoying, as does my friend.

 

She took you for granted and probably regrets that. She wanted another guy - but didn't want to be a cheater. Maybe you need to shake things up a bit and tell her YOU want to think through things and decide whether the relationship is for you.

 

From what you've said, you could get another GF easily and women with kids appear to have more baggage, than men with kids. When she realises you have enough confidence to live without her, she'll step up.

[poofitsgone]

There is nothing wrong with being affectionate. And from what you said, it doesn't even sound like you were being out of the ordinary. Its not your fault. If she wanted something else from you its on her to tell you. You don't control what she does.

But you do control what you accept. Shes not in love with you and doesn't respect you. You can't accept that. Thats not a healthy relationship for either party. And your son will use your relationship as a basis when he grows up. If in 20 years your son is in your position, what would you tell him to do? Just put up with it? Because thats what you are telling him now.

 

If she is willing to put in the work to show she does love and respect you, then you can think about taking her back. Until then....no way.

[poofitsgone]

I know I shouldn't take her back but honestay I'm so damn weak I just want her in my arms.

 

How can I up the alpha and make her work for it?

 

She's wanting to move back in etc. I know I should make her Wait but I don't want her to get another guy.

 

On top of it all in dont want my son to have another daddy role in his life.

 

Tuff situation.

 

Breaking up is always painful. Feelings dont just disappear, even if they make us want to do dumb things. But staying with her now is not healthy. But you need to do whats best for you and your son.

Its better to grow up with separated parents who love and care for you, than to grow up with parents in a toxic relationship, where one walks all over the other.

Just because your separated doesn't mean he won't have a mom and dad. You will always be his dad. You can't use him as a reason to stay. He should have a Dad who's with a partner that respects him and treats him right.

 

And you need to work on your self-esteem and confidence, with IC if need be. Otherwise there's no reason to think that next time things will turn out different. There's a lot of people who need someone else to keep them accountable, they wont do it themselves. Its much easier to respect someone who respects themselves.

[Winterina]

I have a feeling there is something you are not telling OP.

 

She said she has deep resentment towards you that built up... What exactly is the resentment about? Being too affectionate can be annoying at most, but to build deep resentment?? Also, she could have easily told you if your affection bothers her so much and you could have cut it in half.

What you explained here cannot be a reason people leave people after 4 years and a son together.

 

If she just fell for someone else then I understand that she might have that as a reason... but what was the reason for falling for someone else in the first place? Something else was likely missing in your relationship.

Edited October 11, 2015 by Winterina

[disbelief]

after months of analysis and really trying to figure out whats going on I have come to this conclusion:

 

she built up resentment because of our fights and disagreements, but keep in mind, these were normal fights that all couples go through in the first 5 years of long term relationships - the ones that set boundaries etc.

 

i believe what really happened is she just slowly became board and slowly lost interest and then a guy from her past popped up and she seen the excitement and ran to him.

 

after she seen that situation through she came back. this could be for various reasons - the grass wasn't greener, he couldn't live up to his promises, she realized what she had in me etc etc etc.

 

it seemed the moment I told her i was finished with her she instantly came back. she seen me as an option leaving and she came back.

 

well now that shes back we have been spending some time together and its been going OK but shes still kind of cold. In bed i will always cuddle her/rub her back/show affection etc. she just doesn't seem to have very much love to give.

 

so that brings me to the next reason why i believe shes not very loving, she was sexually abused by her bio dad and had a over bearing mother that was kind of mean to the kids. not abusive or anything but just lacked love and affection i would say.

 

even now her mother runs her husbands life and you can see it wearing on him after 20 years.

 

i believe i am starting to see the situation for what it is, i don't know if my GF will ever be able to give me the kind of love and mental stimulation i need. I'm quite a bit more intellectual then she is and of course more loving.

 

i really want this to work but if it will just cause me consistent grief and unfulfillment then whats the point.

 

i guess there's always a possibility she could change but i know that wont be easy. i can tell from the way she talks shes still boy crazy and wants to feel that new excitement from different guys. this gives her validation because if other men will have her then she believes shes worthy, shes very insecure in her body and image.

 

with me she knows i love her so there is no getting validation from me.

 

basically shes got issues. I want a girl that will love me for me and i don't have to constantly feel like i have to do something or not be myself.

Edited October 11, 2015 by disbelief

[Winterina]

after months of analysis and really trying to figure out whats going on I have come to this conclusion:

 

she built up resentment because of our fights and disagreements, but keep in mind, these were normal fights that all couples go through in the first 5 years of long term relationships - the ones that set boundaries etc.

 

i believe what really happened is she just slowly became board and slowly lost interest and then a guy from her past popped up and she seen the excitement and ran to him.

 

after she seen that situation through she came back. this could be for various reasons - the grass wasn't greener, he couldn't live up to his promises, she realized what she had in me etc etc etc.

 

it seemed the moment I told her i was finished with her she instantly came back. she seen me as an option leaving and she came back.

 

well now that shes back we have been spending some time together and its been going OK but shes still kind of cold. In bed i will always cuddle her/rub her back/show affection etc. she just doesn't seem to have very much love to give.

 

so that brings me to the next reason why i believe shes not very loving, she was sexually abused by her bio dad and had a over bearing mother that was kind of mean to the kids. not abusive or anything but just lacked love and affection i would say.

 

even now her mother runs her husbands life and you can see it wearing on him after 20 years.

 

i believe i am starting to see the situation for what it is, i don't know if my GF will ever be able to give me the kind of love and mental stimulation i need. I'm quite a bit more intellectual then she is and of course more loving.

 

i really want this to work but if it will just cause me consistent grief and unfulfillment then whats the point.

 

i guess there's always a possibility she could change but i know that wont be easy. i can tell from the way she talks shes still boy crazy and wants to feel that new excitement from different guys. this gives her validation because if other men will have her then she believes shes worthy, shes very insecure in her body and image.

 

with me she knows i love her so there is no getting validation from me.

 

basically shes got issues. I want a girl that will love me for me and i don't have to constantly feel like i have to do something or not be myself.

 

Go deeper that that. You are essentially throwing all the blame on her while appearing like a completely innocent party.

What were your arguments that lead her to resent you all about?

[disbelief]

i would say the arguments were about whos opinion was right, we are both strong willed and like to see things our own way but i also realize that there is compromise, i always try to make her happy and be fair, to me it just seems shes hard to please.

 

she basically told me yesterday that things will go easier if she makes the decisions. i know she didn't mean that literally but overall she wants to control things. maybe subconsciously i want to control my portion and she senses that and it creates conflict.

 

i really don't believe im unreasonable,she just seems so hard to make happy.

[poofitsgone]

I think she started with someone else before she left. Maybe only in her mind, but it seems common in Affairs and if someone thinking of leaving, they start looking for justifications. Things that shouldn't be a big deal become inexcusable. Do you think this applies to your situation?

 

If she suffered abuse, her having sexual, relational , or affectional issues is very possible. Has she had any IC? Having scars from something so traumatic is understandable. But those are her issues, she can't take them out on you. If he refuses to take actions to help herself, its not on you to suffer for her.

 

I still think this relationship sounds unhealthy. Both for you and your child.

 

 

If she just fell for someone else then I understand that she might have that as a reason... but what was the reason for falling for someone else in the first place? Something else was likely missing in your relationship.

 

Not necessarily. There are a lot of former WS who disagree. Relationships take two people, and I think most of the time both people stop putting in 100%. But if one is incapable of putting in their share, no amount of work from the other can save the relationship.

 

Of course, self-reflection is never a bad thing. Theres always something we could have handled better.

[sandylee1]

Your relationship isn't very healthy at the moment and those who always want things their way are hard work. If she's still boy crazy...then unless you come up with a plan..there's little hope. She needs to start having desire for you. Maybe you ought to stop cuddling up to her, as she doesn't appreciate it or warm to it.

 

Spend time on YOU. Do things as a couple and as a family but also look after yourself and have interests that don't include her.

Have a frank conversation about the future of your relationship and if she's not all in, you can stop wasting each others time and learn to coparent.