Anxiety’s Getting The Best Of Me

[katiegrl]

I honestly don't remember if he did, because I was slightly inebriated the entire night. And by "slightly" I mean a LOT. I vaguely remember him putting his hand on my leg when we were in the car and his arm around me, but that was about it.

 

 

 

**It's just funny, because we were basically sexting each other last week. Getting pretty hot and heavy, so that would indicate to me that there was a romantic interest at least a week ago. ***

 

 

 

Don't know what happened other than "the reason" we couldn't make out that night. And, honestly, I don't blame him. I probably wouldn't want to be affectionate with someone if I was dealing with this "reason" myself.

 

Quote in asterisk, you are very naive if you believe that. Considering you have never been sexual with each other ***in person.***

 

Sexting does not mean anything (in fact it sounds pretty cheap) especially when the sexting is not followed up with consistent actions demonstrating a man's interest, like asking you out, planning dates, wanting to spend time together, in person.

 

And not to be judgmental, cause I love my wine and beer too, but when one gets so drunk that they can't even remember if their *date* held their hand, or kissed them, there is a problem.

 

This is not the first time you have mentioned how much you drink either. With him, AND alone. Not good.

 

I recall when I first started dating my fiance, I had a tendency to drink too much too ...getting flat out drunk on several occasions. All in good fun! Or so I presumed.

 

He did not like it, told me he found it a HUGE turn off, and even said had it continued, he may have broken up with me because of it!!

 

I am sorry I am being so hard on you, but sweetie, please please seek help for your anxiety.

 

It is leading you to all sorts of unhealthy things, and it may be clouding your judgment. Not only your judgment about this guy but other things as well.....

 

Plesse get help. I'm worried about you!

Edited October 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[bettermistakes]

OP, it's really hard and scary to get brutally honest with yourself about what's broken. Admitting weakness is not something people are taught to do and be okay with. But when you do, when you are willing to consciously identify whatever it is, it's actually just a massive relief. It's emotional, but when you can call it out, it loses power over you.

and it's usually more than one thing, right? And if you don't call it all out, and own up to all of it, you won't get all the way better. And that can be hard because a lot of times we sincerely aren't aware of some of these things that need fixing.

I hope you can find the courage to get to the bottom of all this.

 

Here's another book recommendation: This Is How by Augusten Burroughs

[Lovelorn00]

Some questions/thoughts:

 

The list is a good idea. That's something I've been meaning to do anyway. Here goes:

 

 

NEEDS:

- Someone understanding and patient

- Stellar sense of humor, understands mine

- Follows through on commitments, keeps his word

- Communicates openly and honestly

- Makes me a priority (I like this one)

 

WANTS:

- Maybe a tinge of extroversion to balance out my introverted tendencies

- Tall, muscular, and able to grow a hefty beard

- Possesses a child-like imagination

- Loves horror/sci-fi movies

- Has excellent hygiene

 

I’m hung up on this guy, because he actually possesses MOST of these qualities. A lot of guys I’ve been out with don’t even come close. Obviously, the whole communication thing and making me a priority thing – not so much anymore. That’s what’s so upsetting. He was totally on top of that in the beginning.

 

Haha! No, it wasn’t diarrhea. I’m not sure WHAT it was is relevant. He just couldn’t, and I don’t blame him at all. I didn't want him to at all after he told me.

 

Yes, I’m aware that my problem is bigger than this one guy. This is where the “it’s my fault” mentality comes in. I know that I have some issues (who doesn’t) that I am currently working on with a pretty good therapist. I also understand that these things take time and learned behaviors are difficult to change. I think my biggest issue is fear. I come from a broken home where dad left when I was 3, and he’s never really been present in my life. I know that a lot of my anxiety stems from that fear of abandonment. I meet a guy who meets a good chunk of the qualities I’ve listed above, and for some reason, it feels like he’s my LAST CHANCE at having a relationship. For some reason, I never believe that I could ever meet someone else, when I know that’s not the case. My mom got remarried at 56. I know it’s possible. It just doesn’t feel that way sometimes, and that’s what I need to work on.

[Lovelorn00]

Hmmm, I'm going to have to re-read (i just skimmed a lot of the recents) to see what the guy has done--originally i didn't think he was such a bad guy--actually the opposite, probably like your friends.

 

IMO, OP though, you are so hard on yourself. You rip yourself to shreds. You gotta look at some part of the evidence: he keeps coming around, meaning he likes you. I think your anxiety is partly because you don't have full and final, the end, conformation of his interest. When would it ever be satisfying enough? We will never know ALL the answers. You are enough though and that should be good enough. I hope you listen to some of the great advice you've been given about anxiety (it sounds like you were). I don't want to see you sabotage good relationships. I think you know that a decent portion of it is self-created problems. You are just attributing it to that there is something wrong with you inherently and there obviously isn't. It sounds like it's "just" the anxiety messing with everything. It's not who you are though. That should show you it will be manageable. Good luck

 

Thanks, Versacehottie. I totally agree with you. Honestly, and I know katiegrl will hate this, but I don't think he's a horrible guy either. I played a part in this for sure. We both did. All I can do is work on my crap, though. That alone would save me a world of trouble in relationships.

[katiegrl]

Thanks, Versacehottie. I totally agree with you. Honestly, and I know katiegrl will hate this, but I don't think he's a horrible guy either. I played a part in this for sure. We both did. All I can do is work on my crap, though. That alone would save me a world of trouble in relationships.

 

I don't think he's a horrible guy LL, and I never said he was.

 

 

I just don't think he's romantically interested in you anymore, that's all. He appears to be apathetic.... based on what his recent actions (or non-actions).

 

 

And I love Versachehottie, but she did not read the entire thread when giving her opinion. She admitted as much herself....

Edited October 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[Eighty_nine]

One issue I take with people suggesting that others 'get help for their anxiety' is that there is really no easy fix for it. In fact, as a mental health professional I think the only long-term solution for anxiety is to face it-- to continue facing your fears repeatedly until you become desensitized to them. sure, identifying that you are anxious helps. Working with a therapist on self-esteem issues help. benzos can be immediate relief during a panic attack. But nothing works like facing your fears.

 

So your fear is this guy is not into you. If you weren't feeling so anxious I'd suggest date him casually, see what happens. But since it IS making you anxious, you need some answers. The thing you're fearing might be exactly right... that he's not so into you. But then you will have experienced it & have the opportunity to deal with it.

 

It does sound like he's keeping you around as a friend or out of guilt. I'd say 90% of time, men do not see women if they're not interested. they don't text, don't make plans. But he may fall into that 10% who feels guilty, or enjoys your company in a platonic way.

 

While we're talking about books, read everything Natalie Lue has ever written. Seriously, it will drastically change your approach to dating.

[Lovelorn00]

Quote in asterisk, you are very naive if you believe that. Considering you have never been sexual with each other ***in person.***

 

Sexting does not mean anything (in fact it sounds pretty cheap) especially when the sexting is not followed up with consistent actions demonstrating a man's interest, like asking you out, planning dates, wanting to spend time together, in person.

 

And not to be judgmental, cause I love my wine and beer too, but when one gets so drunk that they can't even remember if their *date* held their hand, or kissed them, there is a problem.

 

This is not the first time you have mentioned how much you drink either. With him, AND alone. Not good.

 

I recall when I first started dating my fiance, I had a tendency to drink too much too ...getting flat out drunk on several occasions. All in good fun! Or so I presumed.

 

He did not like it, told me he found it a HUGE turn off, and even said had it continued, he may have broken up with me because of it!!

 

I am sorry I am being so hard on you, but sweetie, please please seek help for your anxiety.

 

It is leading you to all sorts of unhealthy things, and it may be clouding your judgment. Not only your judgment about this guy but other things as well.....

 

Plesse get help. I'm worried about you!

 

I will admit that I got a little "turnt up" that night, but we all did. The festival we went to was centered around beer. Therefore, we all drank a lot of beer. I wasn't completely sloshed, but I do remember that there was so much going on, combined with the alcohol, I wasn't really paying attention to whether or not he was being affectionate. That's what I meant by I couldn't remember. IF I drink, I usually only drink on Fridays OR Saturdays, but there are many weekends when I don't. He does the same. The last time I drank alone was weeks ago, and it was one can of beer with some buffalo wings I ordered. Haha He and I have only ever drank together twice, including last weekend, so I doubt he thinks I have a problem with it. Duly noted, though. Drunkenness is not attractive on anyone, and I definitely need to tone it down next time.

[katiegrl]

One issue I take with people suggesting that others 'get help for their anxiety' is that there is really no easy fix for it. In fact, as a mental health professional I think the only long-term solution for anxiety is to face it-- to continue facing your fears repeatedly until you become desensitized to them. sure, identifying that you are anxious helps. Working with a therapist on self-esteem issues help. benzos can be immediate relief during a panic attack. But nothing works like facing your fears.

 

So your fear is this guy is not into you. If you weren't feeling so anxious I'd suggest date him casually, see what happens. But since it IS making you anxious, you need some answers. The thing you're fearing might be exactly right... that he's not so into you. But then you will have experienced it & have the opportunity to deal with it.

 

It does sound like he's keeping you around as a friend or out of guilt. I'd say 90% of time, men do not see women if they're not interested. they don't text, don't make plans. But he may fall into that 10% who feels guilty, or enjoys your company in a platonic way.

 

While we're talking about books, read everything Natalie Lue has ever written. Seriously, it will drastically change your approach to dating.

 

 

Agree...

 

 

And to LL... if you tell me he has contacted you and asked you out on a date this weekend.... I would definitely re-think my position on that!!

 

 

But as it stands now, being that HE has not initiated anything with you going on two weeks now (and actually broke the date you had with him after the dog bite).... and wasn't even inclined to ask you to the festival last weekend (and only took you because YOU brought it up and then announced you had no one to go with) I maintain my position that he's friend-zoning you. With some cheap sexting thrown in for good measure. Ugh.

 

 

I'm sorry but that's how I feel.

 

 

And I am guessing the reason he couldn't make out was because of a canker sore (or so he told you).

 

 

Canker sores are not contagious for the record.

 

 

And I suspect he may have even been fibbing about it anyway.

 

 

I mean, what about light kissing and touching... to express affection? You said you were drunk and don't remember.... whatever.

 

 

Yes I am being debbie downer, but I like to call it like I see it.

 

 

As I have said before many times, YOU deserve way WAY better than this!

 

 

I wish you realized that too....

Edited October 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[kpl]

The list is a good idea. That's something I've been meaning to do anyway. Here goes:

 

 

NEEDS:

- Someone understanding and patient

- Stellar sense of humor, understands mine

- Follows through on commitments, keeps his word

- Communicates openly and honestly

- Makes me a priority (I like this one)

 

WANTS:

- Maybe a tinge of extroversion to balance out my introverted tendencies

- Tall, muscular, and able to grow a hefty beard

- Possesses a child-like imagination

- Loves horror/sci-fi movies

- Has excellent hygiene

 

I’m hung up on this guy, because he actually possesses MOST of these qualities. A lot of guys I’ve been out with don’t even come close. Obviously, the whole communication thing and making me a priority thing – not so much anymore. That’s what’s so upsetting. He was totally on top of that in the beginning.

 

Your needs on that list are bare minimum. Basically you are asking for someone who is consistent, honest, and respectful. BARE MINIMUM. Sometimes I like to think about whether I would give friendships as many chances as I have given men. If you had a friend who wasn't consistent, lied, or disrespected you would you stay? Probably not and you probably wouldn't be worried about making other friends either.

 

Your life and who you let in it is important and you should protect yourself from ppl who don't mean you well. That's why getting caught up on the play by play on whether this guy is right for you doesn't make sense. If he is all of these things on that list and you are still miserable you need to either 1) figure out what else is missing from that list or 2) figure out why this isn't enough. I suspect he doesn't quite fill this list as well you think. And the same way you found friends that love and support you is the same way you can find a partner to do the same.

 

There is no need to hold on to someone like he is the last man on earth. I know it can be hard to stay positive but you have to have faith in yourself and believe you are a catch. You can not expect any man to make you a priority if you don't make yourself one. Think about what you are asking on this, are you ready and capable to do the same. Will you be able to communicate openly and honestly. Only when you can do those things will you be ready for the kind of guy you want. I would let this guy go just simply b/c it's too much "stuff" here. It would be 10x easier to go be the person you want to date and find them, b/c this scene will 100% turn out differently.

Edited October 14, 2015 by kpl
missed a word

[Lovelorn00]

One issue I take with people suggesting that others 'get help for their anxiety' is that there is really no easy fix for it. In fact, as a mental health professional I think the only long-term solution for anxiety is to face it-- to continue facing your fears repeatedly until you become desensitized to them. sure, identifying that you are anxious helps. Working with a therapist on self-esteem issues help. benzos can be immediate relief during a panic attack. But nothing works like facing your fears.

 

So your fear is this guy is not into you. If you weren't feeling so anxious I'd suggest date him casually, see what happens. But since it IS making you anxious, you need some answers. The thing you're fearing might be exactly right... that he's not so into you. But then you will have experienced it & have the opportunity to deal with it.

 

It does sound like he's keeping you around as a friend or out of guilt. I'd say 90% of time, men do not see women if they're not interested. they don't text, don't make plans. But he may fall into that 10% who feels guilty, or enjoys your company in a platonic way.

 

While we're talking about books, read everything Natalie Lue has ever written. Seriously, it will drastically change your approach to dating.

 

EXACTLY. I’ve been trying for years to get this crap under control. I’m not sure it’s ever been as bad as with this guy, but it’s been close. I’ve been on meds before. I’ve been in therapy for a long time. I got issues, and while I’m super quick to beat myself up over them, I will also admit that I’ve come a long way with the help of therapy. The reason I’m so upset over this guy is because I thought I WAS starting to get this under control. Before I met him, I was multi-dating, seeing other people, not putting all of my happiness eggs in one basket. Things were fine until the fear and anxiety began to rear its ugly head. “WTF? Why are YOU here?” I’m screaming to myself. It’s just so frustrating.

 

You’re right. Exposure therapy usually works pretty well for me. The only issue is that it takes me a while to reach that point. Like a person who is afraid of heights being told to jump off the high dive, it takes some time to get there. However, I’m very quickly getting to the point where I don’t wanna deal with it anymore. Or deal with him anymore and the way he makes me feel. I’m getting to the point where the sassy, straight-forward girl that I usually am will speak up and say something to him about it. I’m just not there quite yet. I’ve only got one toe off the diving board. This forum is helpful in that it’s pushing me to go ahead and take that jump.

 

I’ve read a lot of Natalie’s stuff and even follow her on Instagram. For some reason, her tone doesn’t resonate well with me. I get what she’s saying, but I always feel like I’m getting barked at when I read her stuff.

[katiegrl]

 

I’ve read a lot of Natalie’s stuff and even follow her on Instagram. For some reason, her tone doesn’t resonate well with me. I get what she’s saying, but I always feel like I’m getting barked at when I read her stuff.

 

 

Oh know...I feel like that's what I've been doing too!!

 

 

Just know I mean well and want what's BEST for you...

[Lovelorn00]

Agree...

 

 

And to LL... if you tell me he has contacted you and asked you out on a date this weekend.... I would definitely re-think my position on that!!

 

 

But as it stands now, being that HE has not initiated anything with you going on two weeks now (and actually broke the date you had with him after the dog bite).... and wasn't even inclined to ask you to the festival last weekend (and only took you because YOU brought it up and then announced you had no one to go with) I maintain my position that he's friend-zoning you. With some cheap sexting thrown in for good measure. Ugh.

 

 

I'm sorry but that's how I feel.

 

 

And I am guessing the reason he couldn't make out was because of a canker sore (or so he told you).

 

 

Canker sores are not contagious for the record.

 

 

And I suspect he may have even been fibbing about it anyway.

 

 

I mean, what about light kissing and touching... to express affection? You said you were drunk and don't remember.... whatever.

 

 

Yes I am being debbie downer, but I like to call it like I see it.

 

 

As I have said before many times, YOU deserve way WAY better than this!

 

 

I wish you realized that too....

 

Your memory is uncanny. Haha! How are you remember all this stuff? Sheesh!!

I don’t disagree with you at all. Yes, it does indeed sound like he’s friend-zoning me out of guilt. As much as it sucks, I’m going to back off. We’ve talked since last weekend, but no plans have been mentioned. All he ever really mentions is how overwhelmed he is with work. So, I’m going to leave him alone. Let him deal with his stuff like I need to deal with mine.

 

 

 

And maybe I need to stop listening to my married girlfriends who also went through this same anxiety with their husbands. Maybe it really does just boil down to timings. If it does, then man, my timing is the absolute WORST.

[kpl]

Your memory is uncanny. Haha! How are you remember all this stuff? Sheesh!!

I don’t disagree with you at all. Yes, it does indeed sound like he’s friend-zoning me out of guilt. As much as it sucks, I’m going to back off. We’ve talked since last weekend, but no plans have been mentioned. All he ever really mentions is how overwhelmed he is with work. So, I’m going to leave him alone. Let him deal with his stuff like I need to deal with mine.

 

 

 

And maybe I need to stop listening to my married girlfriends who also went through this same anxiety with their husbands. Maybe it really does just boil down to timings. If it does, then man, my timing is the absolute WORST.

 

I think married girlfriends mean well. but all of our experiences are a bit biased. I have a married friend who is convinced all guys in my city (live in a large city) don't want commitment, to never grow up, and to sleep around with as many women as possible. The commitment factor was typically the least of my concerns with men so anytime a guy was willing to stick it out no matter how he treated me she would always say give him a chance. That doesn't make her a bad person just a person who projects her own experiences into her advice...which 99% of us do. It's just always best to consider the source.

[Lovelorn00]

Your needs on that list are bare minimum. Basically you are asking for someone who is consistent, honest, and respectful. BARE MINIMUM. Sometimes I like to think about whether I would give friendships as many chances as I have given men. If you had a friend who wasn't consistent, lied, or disrespected you would you stay? Probably not and you probably wouldn't be worried about making other friends either.

 

Your life and who you let in it is important and you should protect yourself from ppl who don't mean you well. That's why getting caught up on the play by play on whether this guy is right for you doesn't make sense. If he is all of these things on that list and you are still miserable you need to either 1) figure out what else is missing from that list or 2) figure out why this isn't enough. I suspect he doesn't quite fill this list as well you think. And the same way you found friends that love and support you is the same way you can find a partner to do the same.

 

There is no need to hold on to someone like he is the last man on earth. I know it can be hard to stay positive but you have to have faith in yourself and believe you are a catch. You can not expect any man to make you a priority if you don't make yourself one. Think about what you are asking on this, are you ready and capable to do the same. Will you be able to communicate openly and honestly. Only when you can do those things will you be ready for the kind of guy you want. I would let this guy go just simply b/c it's too much "stuff" here. It would be 10x easier to go be the person you want to date and find them, b/c this scene will 100% turn out differently.

 

My best friend is actually like this. She never calls me back in a reasonable amount of time. She never responds to texts. She's never lied to me, but on paper, she has a lot of the same qualities as this guy. Haha! However, she truly is my best friend in the whole world and I know, without a doubt, she would bend over backwards for me if I needed it, and I'd do the same for her.

 

Yes, this list is the bare minimum, but I was just mimicking what losangelena wrote and kept it small. As mentioned earlier, he USED to have these qualities, but obviously, he's lacking the most important ones now. That's what sucks.

[katiegrl]

Your memory is uncanny. Haha! How are you remember all this stuff? Sheesh!!

I don’t disagree with you at all. Yes, it does indeed sound like he’s friend-zoning me out of guilt. As much as it sucks, I’m going to back off. We’ve talked since last weekend, but no plans have been mentioned. All he ever really mentions is how overwhelmed he is with work. So, I’m going to leave him alone. Let him deal with his stuff like I need to deal with mine.

 

And maybe I need to stop listening to my married girlfriends who also went through this same anxiety with their husbands. Maybe it really does just boil down to timings. If it does, then man, my timing is the absolute WORST.

 

I think that's smart!

 

 

And you know, you don't have to immediately respond to each and every text he sends you either (if that's what you're doing).

 

 

In fact, you don't need to respond to them at all if you don't want to. Or respond to a few, but not every one.

 

 

Let him wonder about you a little bit.

 

 

JMO, but I think that might be why he feels sort of stuck. Can't move forward, but can't pull ALL the way back either (end it completely).

 

 

Basically, he is stuck in limbo.

 

 

You need to shake it up a little bit LL, pull back. Don't always be so available to answer his texts or calls... every single time.

 

 

Again, let him wonder about you! What you're doing, who you're with, etc..

 

 

Some may call it game-playing....well yeah it is sort of a game, but a necessary one.

 

 

And men play their own games too.... what's that saying "all's fair in love and war"?

 

 

Take care of YOU, protect your heart!

 

 

He has essentially stopped pursuing you.... so YOU need to respond to that accordingly, by pulling back too....

 

 

Keep us posted!

Edited October 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

Yes, this list is the bare minimum, but I was just mimicking what losangelena wrote and kept it small. As mentioned earlier, he USED to have these qualities, but obviously, he's lacking the most important ones now. That's what sucks.

 

Mine was just an example! I'm not about to splash an entire list like that onto the internet.

[kpl]

Your needs on that list are bare minimum. Basically you are asking for someone who is consistent, honest, and respectful. BARE MINIMUM. Sometimes I like to think about whether I would give friendships as many chances as I have given men. If you had a friend who wasn't consistent, lied, or disrespected you would you stay? Probably not and you probably wouldn't be worried about making other friends either.

 

Your life and who you let in it is important and you should protect yourself from ppl who don't mean you well. That's why getting caught up on the play by play on whether this guy is right for you doesn't make sense. If he is all of these things on that list and you are still miserable you need to either 1) figure out what else is missing from that list or 2) figure out why this isn't enough. I suspect he doesn't quite fill this list as well you think. And the same way you found friends that love and support you is the same way you can find a partner to do the same.

 

There is no need to hold on to someone like he is the last man on earth. I know it can be hard to stay positive but you have to have faith in yourself and believe you are a catch. You can not expect any man to make you a priority if you don't make yourself one. Think about what you are asking on this, are you ready and capable to do the same. Will you be able to communicate openly and honestly. Only when you can do those things will you be ready for the kind of guy you want. I would let this guy go just simply b/c it's too much "stuff" here. It would be 10x easier to go be the person you want to date and find them, b/c this scene will 100% turn out differently.

 

I think what I mostly meant is that person seems easy to find.

[Versacehottie]

One issue I take with people suggesting that others 'get help for their anxiety' is that there is really no easy fix for it. In fact, as a mental health professional I think the only long-term solution for anxiety is to face it-- to continue facing your fears repeatedly until you become desensitized to them. sure, identifying that you are anxious helps. Working with a therapist on self-esteem issues help. benzos can be immediate relief during a panic attack. But nothing works like facing your fears.

 

So your fear is this guy is not into you. If you weren't feeling so anxious I'd suggest date him casually, see what happens. But since it IS making you anxious, you need some answers. The thing you're fearing might be exactly right... that he's not so into you. But then you will have experienced it & have the opportunity to deal with it.

 

It does sound like he's keeping you around as a friend or out of guilt. I'd say 90% of time, men do not see women if they're not interested. they don't text, don't make plans. But he may fall into that 10% who feels guilty, or enjoys your company in a platonic way.

 

While we're talking about books, read everything Natalie Lue has ever written. Seriously, it will drastically change your approach to dating.

 

I agree with a lot of what you have said here. ESPECIALLY just exposing yourself to life. I think the worst thing someone can do when they have an anxiety that something is wrong with them is to go hide and "fix" it and until it's "fixed" stop living their lives. That just perpetuates the belief that something is wrong with you inherently. Nothing is. You just need better coping tools and to experience life (ie, expose yourself to it). I think that's what lissvarna is saying, and if so, that's also what I believe.

 

Everyone has problems and "issues". OP seems to get into a cycle that doesn't serve what she wants in life and paralyzing her some. Therefore further reinforcing the belief that she is not good enough or has something that needs to be fixed. You just need some more tools for life (like from your therapist you like) and then put them into action and start interpreting the "results" you get differently.

 

A fact I read from a famous positivity psychologist says that people with good coping skills tend to attribute outcomes in their life as a result of their contribution (ie who they are) and the bad things that happen to them as caused by outside forces/people and give that a very short attention span. That's why if you aren't able to "do" this type of thinking, you (the general you) will get depressed or anxious. Negative thinkers blame themselves for the bad things that happen to them in life and attribute good things to outside forces/people rather than they cause the good things. It's a thinking shift. They also mentally turn things into castastrophies (can't spell that, it must be someone else's fault!) and see them as long-lasting rather than a brief blip.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Versacehottie

[Lovelorn00]

I think what I mostly meant is that person seems easy to find.

 

That person is incredibly difficult to find, at least where I live. And I date A LOT.

[Lovelorn00]

I think that's smart!

 

 

And you know, you don't have to immediately respond to each and every text he sends you either (if that's what you're doing).

 

 

In fact, you don't need to respond to them at all if you don't want to. Or respond to a few, but not every one.

 

 

Let him wonder about you a little bit.

 

 

JMO, but I think that might be why he feels sort of stuck. Can't move forward, but can't pull ALL the way back either (end it completely).

 

 

Basically, he is stuck in limbo.

 

 

You need to shake it up a little bit LL, pull back. Don't always be so available to answer his texts or calls... every single time.

 

 

Again, let him wonder about you! What you're doing, who you're with, etc..

 

 

Some may call it game-playing....well yeah it is sort of a game, but a necessary one.

 

 

And men play their own games too.... what's that saying "all's fair in love and war"?

 

 

Take care of YOU, protect your heart!

 

 

He has essentially stopped pursuing you.... so YOU need to respond to that accordingly, by pulling back too....

 

 

Keep us posted!

 

Oh, katiegrl. I’ve been playing that game with him from day one. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if my game-playing is what got me into this mess in the first place. I never text him first. For the first two months, I let him initiate communication every… single… day, and he did. I let him initiate all of our dates, and he did. He initiated everything. Paid for everything. Of course, it was pretty easy for me, because when I first met him, I was casually seeing someone else (multi-dating), so I was genuinely busy spending time with that guy and living my life. This guy was an afterthought.

 

Now that he’s the only person I’m seeing and now that I’m actually interested in him, he’s lost interest. A part of me does indeed believe it’s because the chase is gone. He got me, now he’s done. But I’ve also had a lot of folks tell me that he may have lost interest because I wasn’t putting forth enough effort on my end. The game-playing can only work to a certain point. At some point, the other person needs to step up and meet the other person halfway.

[Lovelorn00]

I wanted to add that, though we’ve been chatting quite a bit, he has not brought up weekend plans. However, I’m not going to hold my breath. He told me last week that this week was going to be a hellish one for him work-wise and that he’d likely be working all weekend. I don’t think he’s lying, because he’s told me that he works a lot on the first day we met and has even sent me screenshots of massive piles of papers on his desk.

 

But to your point, katiegrl, he will indeed be wondering about me this weekend, because I’m keeping myself busy with fun and friends. House party tomorrow, dance party on Saturday, nature hike on Sunday. I’m doing me all the way, girl.

[katiegrl]

Oh, katiegrl. I’ve been playing that game with him from day one. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if my game-playing is what got me into this mess in the first place. I never text him first. For the first two months, I let him initiate communication every… single… day, and he did. I let him initiate all of our dates, and he did. He initiated everything. Paid for everything. Of course, it was pretty easy for me, because when I first met him, I was casually seeing someone else (multi-dating), so I was genuinely busy spending time with that guy and living my life. This guy was an afterthought.

 

Now that he’s the only person I’m seeing and now that I’m actually interested in him, he’s lost interest. A part of me does indeed believe it’s because the chase is gone. He got me, now he’s done. But I’ve also had a lot of folks tell me that he may have lost interest because I wasn’t putting forth enough effort on my end. The game-playing can only work to a certain point. At some point, the other person needs to step up and meet the other person halfway.

 

My belief is there should always be a balance. He initiates at very very beginning, then you start to reciprocate.

 

However, there are some men who really enjoy the chase and excitement of a new relationship. And once the chase ends, they start to lose interest.

 

Not sure if you ever mentioned this, but what is his dating history? Any long term relationships? How long and why did they end?

 

Anyhoo, if my memory serves me correctly, this all started when you opened up stating "you are so incredibly handsome, and your kisses make me giddy."

 

He pulled back immediately after that and it's gone downhill from there. Giving you some BS story about his phone suddenly dying. Apparently he couldn't charge it for 24 hours? Please.

 

This was very telling = red flag no. 1. And when you felt him pulling back, instead of pulling back yourself, you moved forward, then the dig bite, he breaks the next date, and has not initiated anything since!

 

Lovelorn, I think despite your not initiating, you were responding plenty and he KNEW you were (are) into him. He'd have to be a complete moron not to know that!

 

So please don't beat yourself up about not initiating in the beginning...okay?

 

Who knows what's going on with him....he could be a commitment phobe, doesn't matter.

 

He has lost interest, and in response, continue pulling back or just wish him well and walk away quietly.

 

Work on yourself and your own issues, let HIM deal with his.

 

I am sorry this doesn't appear to be working out....

 

Someone better for you is out there!!! But for now please work on yourself, and perhaps next time you might choose a better man...for YOU!

 

Not men who lose interest quickly as soon as you move forward... ugh.

 

Wish you the best LL and pleased keep us posted!

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

I wanted to add that, though we’ve been chatting quite a bit, he has not brought up weekend plans. However, I’m not going to hold my breath. He told me last week that this week was going to be a hellish one for him work-wise and that he’d likely be working all weekend. I don’t think he’s lying, because he’s told me that he works a lot on the first day we met and has even sent me screenshots of massive piles of papers on his desk.

 

But to your point, katiegrl, he will indeed be wondering about me this weekend, because I’m keeping myself busy with fun and friends. House party tomorrow, dance party on Saturday, nature hike on Sunday. I’m doing me all the way, girl.

 

But who cares if he's lying? The real question is—do you want to be with someone who treats you the way he's treating you?

 

Glad you're keeping yourself busy. Continue keeping your independence.

[katiegrl]

I wanted to add that, though we’ve been chatting quite a bit, he has not brought up weekend plans. However, I’m not going to hold my breath. He told me last week that this week was going to be a hellish one for him work-wise and that he’d likely be working all weekend. I don’t think he’s lying, because he’s told me that he works a lot on the first day we met and has even sent me screenshots of massive piles of papers on his desk.

 

 

 

I'm always baffled when people post about their partners announcing they're too busy to get together .... and then sending screenshots of stuff they're doing.... almost as if to PROVE they're not lying.

 

 

To ME, this would indicate they are lying ..... and are attempting to cover their arse...

 

 

I mean what other point would there be to sending the screen shots?

 

 

Are you really that interested to see the piles of work on his desk?

 

 

Plus it doesn't even mean he's working.... just means he has piles of shyt on his desk that needs to be done.... my desk looks like a hurricane hit it at times.... doesn't mean I'm working late.

 

 

Apologies for nitpicking .... I just think he's pulling the slow fade. Texting occasionally but NOT asking you out. Very typical of a man who's slowing fading out.... soon the texts will become less and less until there's NOTHING left, and the RL dies of attrition.

 

 

Anyhoo, like losangelina said, it doesn't really matter.... to reiterate, just pull back... do not initiate any texts with him (or anything else) -- let HIM step up to plate if he's interested.

 

In the meantime, go out and have fun, meet other men, date other men!! And have a blast! Either he'll wonder about you, miss you....or he won't.

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to "he's lying," he's just not making any effort.