Anxiety’s Getting The Best Of Me

[Stage5Clinger]

I think you twisted his arm into an invite. Had he really wanted to invite you it would have been in his devious works all along and the hour prelude to an almost invite would have been unnecessary. If a guy doesn't appreciate you then why should you appreciate him? I realize logic does not dictate emotion but sometimes you need to consider how actions make you feel in the long run.

[Celeste.Carol]

Please do not become his doormat. Tell him you really value your time and made other plans. Then disappear or pull way back. He will come to you stronger if he really wants it.

[StocksnBlondes]

I feel like I'm watching an episode of "As the world turns"

[jdubinva]

Unfortunately, it's all too real to LL. It's kind of exhausting to read but somehow compelling.

 

LL, are your local friends aware of the situation?

[Jejangles]

LL, I'm convinced this guy has nothing to offer you. He blows so hot and cold, and uhms and ahs so much, it makes my anxiety go off and I'm not even dating him! I mean how does he go from "we're all going to a festival" to "do you want to come?" to "everyone is bailing" to "I'll let you know the plan" all in one day? Then he emotionally dumps on you on how tough everything is and how emotionally overwhelmed he is.

 

I know you feel invested, but I really think you just need to cut this off. It's damaging you and whether it's your anxiety causing the issues (I don't think it is) or he is just not able to progress the relationship because of his own issues, this is not a healthy dynamic between the two of you.

[Lovelorn00]

Why do I have a feeling you're overreacting over every.single.little.thing. I do this sometimes too, but jeeze! None like this! You couldn't even look at his response because you were scared it wasn't gonna be what you wanted? That's a bit much. ANd I wouldn't just assume that him being overwhelmed has anything to do with you, unless he said so. He included you in his plans, and everything is going good with you seeing him consistently so why overthink things? You should breathe, relax, let nature take its course. I feel like sooner or later all of this anxiety will start showing through and he would sense it and it will not be good. I pray to God I'm wrong.

 

I'm praying to God that you're wrong, too. I like to think that I'm really good at hiding my crazy - at least in the first few months of dating. So, I'm really hoping none of this has come through in my behavior towards him. And you're right - it is a bit much. Part of the way I deal with the anxiety when it gets so bad that I can barely function is to ignore the source of the anxiety. So, I knew I had a text from him, but I ignored it. Because if I don't know the answer, it can't hurt as much, right? (wrong)

[Lovelorn00]

I agree! No offense to you LL, but I'm exhausted just reading all this.

 

 

I can't imagine actually living it!

 

 

What are you getting from this except anxiety and frustration?

 

 

Is this enjoyable to you?

 

 

Both of you are sending mixed messages.

 

 

I mean, when he asked you if you thought HE was being weird, you replied "Oh No!! I meant...."

 

 

That wasn't true, was it. He IS being weird, and if had been ME, I would have said "YES you're being weird.... what's up with that?"

 

 

Something like that.

 

 

I mean why lie about it?

 

 

You are never gonna get anywhere with ANY man if you lie about your feelings and are too afraid to be up front and honest.

 

 

Like I said, in another post, STOP walking on eggshells with him! Stop being afraid to rock the boat when something is bothering you.

 

 

He is sensing it, and am guessing it's causing him to not trust you (emotionally) and reconsidering dating you.

 

 

You're being dishonest IMO.

 

 

Sorry this was somewhat harsh, but come on girl! Seriously.

 

None taken! My best girlfriend says the same thing. Talking to me about dating stuff is "exhausting" to her, because I go 'round and 'round in circles. And I completely understand. I wish I wasn't this way.

 

IF (and that's a very hopeful IF) he doesn't flake on me this weekend and we do end up seeing each other in some capacity, I'm going to say something. I've damn near reached my limit with how anxious he makes me, and I think it's worth putting it out there on the table and telling him how I feel. Not in a "I'm crazy and have issues" kinda way, but in a "this is what I'm looking for" kinda way.

[Lovelorn00]

LL you aren't any clearer about things than before this entire exchange of info and convo with him.

 

I feel like I'm in a vortex so can't imagine what you're feeling ... Do you feel dizzy from this while thing? What a bunch of drama.

 

Lucky you're single and no kids ...those of us single with kids couldn't deal with this stuff I'm sure ...it's like a war zone ... I'd personally have to bow out of the craziness but that's because I have to be emotionally present for my kids.

 

Did you press him further about his meaning of "I'll have to get back with you etc" ? Or whatever he said ...

 

I would have pressed just for some clarification as his communication tends toward the oblique or maybe fuzzy ...obfuscate ?? ...can't think of the word that best describes his communications. In any case ... you're getting more bold with him instead of tip toeing around so keep it up ...force those issues ... be assertive you will says Yoda.

 

Yes, it's completely ridiculous, this whole thing. Like I mentioned before, I'm starting to reach my breaking point with him, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the walking on eggshells thing anyway. I didn't ask him for clarification on what he meant by getting back to me with the plan, because the convo shifted. This weekend will be telling, though. I don't expect to see him, since he's so "overwhelmed" with everything. But if I do, we will definitely need to have a conversation about this.

[Lovelorn00]

LL ...your fan club is all in agreement. We're all exhausted. Are you exhausted?

 

Ha! Yes, yes! I'm exhausted. Y'all are exhausted. My friends are exhausted.

Honestly, that's the whole reason I joined this site in the first place. My friends are over it. I can't even talk to them about this stuff anymore. They roll their eyes and tell me to stop it. They try to give me advice, but I end up back in the anxiety pit anyway.

 

I just... really want a nice, stable, committed relationship with someone who cares about me. I see it all around me every day, and I'm so jealous. It's like these women found the magic formula to getting a guy to stick with them. I don't get it.

[Lovelorn00]

Unfortunately, it's all too real to LL. It's kind of exhausting to read but somehow compelling.

 

LL, are your local friends aware of the situation?

 

Yes, that's why I'm here. They can't handle it anymore. Haha

[Lovelorn00]

LL, I'm convinced this guy has nothing to offer you. He blows so hot and cold, and uhms and ahs so much, it makes my anxiety go off and I'm not even dating him! I mean how does he go from "we're all going to a festival" to "do you want to come?" to "everyone is bailing" to "I'll let you know the plan" all in one day? Then he emotionally dumps on you on how tough everything is and how emotionally overwhelmed he is.

 

I know you feel invested, but I really think you just need to cut this off. It's damaging you and whether it's your anxiety causing the issues (I don't think it is) or he is just not able to progress the relationship because of his own issues, this is not a healthy dynamic between the two of you.

 

I know. I knoooooww. The bottom line is this doesn't feel great. It feels awful. Is it because of me or because of him? Who knows? But I do know that if I continue this way, it'll kill me. But when I'm around him, I feel wonderful. We have a good time. We take each other's minds off of the stresses of work and life. We play and dream and imagine together. I just really thought I had a good guy - a real catch. It really seemed that way at first. I know everyone says I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. Men seem so fickle, and I feel like I have to engage in a delicate balancing act just to keep one interested in me long enough to know the real me. The part of my personality that isn't crazy and anxious and weird and actually fun and awesome. I rarely get to that point, and it sucks.

 

I haven't communicated any of this to him. He knows that I have nervous tendencies, because we talked about it briefly once, and he really wanted to know more about it. Asked me where it came from and what he could do to help. That made me fall for him even harder. So, yeah, I messed around and got a little too invested too quickly. I really, REALLY know better, but I let it happen anyway.

[StocksnBlondes]

Unfortunately, it's all too real to LL. It's kind of exhausting to read but somehow compelling.

 

LL, are your local friends aware of the situation?

 

I know jd ... But while many of us see the obvious (like we do on these soap operas) the OP is living the experience and we'd like to be able to reach out and say "nooooooo! Don't believe him. Don't go for it!" We can't ...we just watch the whole plane head straight toward the mountain to sure destruction.

 

The OP is a real person to me and my momma bear wants to reach out and comfort her while giving the guy a swipe of my paw...something his enabling momma never did or else he wouldn't behave in this manner. And ya I speak from experience. I only have boys but believe me ...I raise them in such a manner that this behavior would just be unacceptable ...I digress.

 

FWIW ...I don't even believe this guy blows hot and cold ...I'm not even sure he has a pulse ...or a heart. I would personally be scared.

 

If it were me ...I'd drop this guy ...then I'd get an attorney of my own to draft a letter about the dog bite ...handle it ...get a settlement (it's a facial wound and she's a young woman!!!) and move on. This guy's got a dark heart ...and it's not thinly veiled to those of us who see who he really is.

[StocksnBlondes]

OP ... This forum is a great place to anonymously process your relationship experience with the members here ...many who impress me with their level of emotional intelligence ... With that said ...please look back at what you've shared about how you're feeling and how your observations (and I'm impressed with how acute those observations are because it allows the reader/observer to really SEE your experience as clearly as we can from this venue) have led to our conclusions ...so you can see that in these pages there is one of the big lessons of your life here ...that if you cannot get passed these lessons and move forward ...you will continue in the same doldrum ...sailing on the seas atop the SS Lovelorn ...going no where. You are the protagonist ... this guy is an antagonist ... It's as clear as day to me. We as observers may also serve as antagonists because we're not "on board" with you and can clearly see what's going on and challenging your beliefs.

 

Can you see which lessons those are?

 

 

You'll get through this LL ... Faith hope and hugs to you:)

Edited October 9, 2015 by StocksnBlondes

[katiegrl]

Ha! Yes, yes! I'm exhausted. Y'all are exhausted. My friends are exhausted.

Honestly, that's the whole reason I joined this site in the first place. My friends are over it. I can't even talk to them about this stuff anymore. They roll their eyes and tell me to stop it. They try to give me advice, but I end up back in the anxiety pit anyway.

 

I just... really want a nice, stable, committed relationship with someone who cares about me. I see it all around me every day, and I'm so jealous. It's like these women found the magic formula to getting a guy to stick with them. I don't get it.

 

The *magic formula* is emotional and intellectual HONESTY.

 

Two things you have yet to be with this guy, and most likely guys you have dated previously, which is why they don't stick around.

 

You are essentially a *fake* and *phony* with these guys, pretending you're this cool, laid back, easy-going chick, okay and *cool* with their non-commital, elusive behavior, but that is a lie.

 

You are NOT okay with it (no woman looking for a RL would be) and you know what? These guys can all sense that, no matter how hard you try to hide it ....and girl, it's turning them off!

 

Your walking on eggshells with them is causing them to walk on eggshells with you ....again a huge turn off for most men.

Edited October 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[acrosstheuniverse]

OP have you had any therapy for your anxiety? You don't have to let it affect your life so much. There are ways to manage it.

[harcourt]

Have you two advanced your physical relationship at all? Is there any passion? To me, it reads like you're both friend zoning each other.

[losangelena]

I just... really want a nice, stable, committed relationship with someone who cares about me. I see it all around me every day, and I'm so jealous. It's like these women found the magic formula to getting a guy to stick with them. I don't get it.

 

OP, I hear you, but a relationship like this is NOT something that happens by some magical formula. It comes from a willingness and ability to be open and honest about your feelings, your thoughts, your wants and your needs. It sounds to me like you're sticking your toe into that pool (telling him his kisses make you weak in the knees), but then you pull it right back out again because you're afraid of how he might react.

 

 

You are essentially a *fake* and *phony* with these guys, pretending you're this cool, laid back, easy-going chick, okay and *cool* with their non-committal, elusive behavior, but that is a lie.

 

Your walking on eggshells with them is causing them to walk on eggshells with you ....again a huge turn off for most men.

 

And I agree (great post, Katie!), that your tepid responses and your tip-toeing around this man has put him on tenterhooks as well. The kind of relationship you want can't be created between two people who refuse to speak up for themselves or let themselves be truly known and truly seen. You want the reward without being willing to put in the work yourself, yet every three days you say, "yes, I'm going to speak up and tell him something," and then you come back here and say you couldn't do it. Each time you do that, you erode your own self-esteem and your confidence that you can make it work.

 

But that's the thing, you CAN actually make it work. It's a process that takes RISK and vulnerability. Look up Brené Brown's talks on YouTube. She has a quote that I love: "Vulnerability is life's great dare," meaning that the willingness to stick one's neck out can be hugely rewarding, despite the scariness of being seen. My therapist is always telling me to move away from ambiguity and towards specificity, that ambiguity promotes anxiety and specificity diminishes it. The fact that you still don't really know what's going on with this guy is creating a HUGE amount of anxiety for you, so much so that you're afraid to look at his texts. Yet, one little question from you to seek clarity will hugely alleviate your anxiety. If he's not into you, at this point, so what? You've already inaccurately named the demise of your relationship about three times in this thread alone. You're right, you don't know if he wants a relationship with you, but instead of finding out, you keep yourself locked in this increasing spiral of anxiety. It's awful to watch you go through it, because you have the ability to alleviate it for yourself, yet you're refusing to do it.

 

I don't mean to rag on you OP. I speak from experience. I just spent a year with a man with much of the same dynamic (though to a lesser degree), and I've seen where a relationship like that can lead. I can honestly say that I don't want to do that again.

 

I am certain that you're capable of making these kinds of changes for yourself and getting the kind of relationship you want. You may not see it at the moment, it's true. But you're not going to get there unless you're willing to make changes in how you choose to interact with men.

Edited October 9, 2015 by losangelena

[jen1447]

I hate to contribute to your anxiety but it sounds like he was lying about his friends bailing explanation. (Truth is simple, lies are complicated. His explanation was complicated.)

 

Also, he may be worried you're gonna sue him over the dog bite. Seriously. That's what ppl usually do when they get bitten by dogs. (Homeowners insurance takes the hit.)

[katiegrl]

I hate to contribute to your anxiety but it sounds like he was lying about his friends bailing explanation. (Truth is simple, lies are complicated. His explanation was complicated.)

 

Also, he may be worried you're gonna sue him over the dog bite. Seriously. That's what ppl usually do when they get bitten by dogs. (Homeowners insurance takes the hit.)

 

I had not thought of that cuz I have been so focused on LL's feelings and behavior, but jen I agree!!

 

His friends suddenly bailed on him within an hour of telling you he was going with them? Come on.

 

I also think he fears you will sue and report the dog, which is why he is so *overwhelmed.*

 

He may have consulted an attorney who advised him to appease you, pay for your med bills,, act concerned, etc. I work in the legal field, so I have some insight on that.

 

Your RL was on shaky ground before the dog bite, I see no hope now. This incident will always be hanging over your respective heads,, and he may feel one wrong move from him, and you're off to a lawyer...and to report the bite.

 

Please walk away from this LL, what once *was* ...no longer *is*.

 

Feelings change, and unfortunately it sounds like he wants out ..... but because of the dog bite, he is not sure what the best course of action is .... to prevent a lawsuit.

 

Sorry....

Edited October 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[bettermistakes]

To add onto what losangelena said, Brene Brown is wonderful! You should get your hands on a copy of The Gifts of Imperfection. Or start with her TED Talks online. Shame, authenticity, being whole-hearted, how vulnerability = courage. You need to get in that area and be vulnerable - let yourself be seen (this is a giant paraphrase from her). Regardless of the outcome, it will be SO empowering. You need to regain control and stop defining yourself (and your worth) in terms of some guy. Say what's in your heart. Frame it as a character-building opportunity for yourself rather than a DTR talk. Focus on the fact that this is a chance to practice being vulnerable and authentic. It's terrifying, but you can do it!

[losangelena]

I had not thought of that cuz I have been so focused on LL's feelings and behavior, but jen I agree!!

 

His friends suddenly bailed on him within an hour of telling you he was going with them? Come on.

 

I also think he fears you will sue and report the dog, which is why he is so *overwhelmed.*

 

He may have consulted an attorney who advised him to appease you, pay for your med bills,, act concerned, etc. I work in the legal field, so I have some insight on that.

 

Your RL was on shaky ground before the dog bite, I see no hope now. This incident will always be hanging over your respective heads,, and he may feel one wrong move from him, and you're off to a lawyer...and to report the bite.

 

Please walk away from this LL, what once *was* ...no longer *is*.

 

Feelings change, and unfortunately it sounds like he wants out ..... but because of the dog bite, he is not sure what the best course of action is .... to prevent a lawsuit.

 

Sorry....

 

I dunno about this, actually. Her possibly suing over the dog bite could be forefront in his mind, but I don't think he would continue trying to see her as an appeasement. He doesn't seem to be doing ENOUGH in that regard if that truly is his angle.

 

I also doing think her text "guilted" him into inviting her. If he truly didn't want her to go, I think he would have just not even brought it up. In my experience, men ultimately don't do what they don't want to do. Maybe he's feeling as if she doesn't want to continue, especially after getting bitten by his dog.

 

He is acting quite tepid, that's for sure. But why, I'm not willing to speculate.

 

Bottom line, OP will not get what she wants if she continues acting in the manner to which she is accustom.

[katiegrl]

I dunno about this, actually. Her possibly suing over the dog bite could be forefront in his mind, but I don't think he would continue trying to see her as an appeasement. He doesn't seem to be doing ENOUGH in that regard if that truly is his angle.

 

I also doing think her text "guilted" him into inviting her. If he truly didn't want her to go, I think he would have just not even brought it up. In my experience, men ultimately don't do what they don't want to do. Maybe he's feeling as if she doesn't want to continue, especially after getting bitten by his dog.

 

He is acting quite tepid, that's for sure. But why, I'm not willing to speculate.

 

Bottom line, OP will not get what she wants if she continues acting in the manner to which she is accustom.

 

LA, she brought the festival up, and he is NOT trying to see her....

 

He only invited her after she brought it up and told him she had no one to go with.

 

From their original convo, it did not appear he had any intention of inviting her at all, he bought his own ticket and was going with friends.

 

After he invited her, he immediately rewrites history, saying friends bailed, only his parents now and will let her know the plan... all within one hour.

 

All the while behaving elusively and telling her he is "overwhelmed." and acting *weird* which he himself admitted.

 

This does not sound like a guy who is interested in continuing to date her IMO.

[losangelena]

I agree, I never said he sounded particularly enthusiastic. But his squirrelly behavior started before the dog bite incident.

 

Again, the particulars with this guys interest me less than with how OP is choosing to navigate her interactions with him.

[katiegrl]

I agree, I never said he sounded particularly enthusiastic. But his squirrelly behavior started before the dog bite incident.

 

Again, the particulars with this guys interest me less than with how OP is choosing to navigate her interactions with him.

 

 

Well, whatever advice she is getting here with respect to how she interacts with men.... should be applied to her NEXT relationship, because IMO this one is pretty much done.

 

 

I think his behavior was squirrelly (love that word BTW) before the dog bite incident, which behavior left her feeling anxious, on edge, questioning things and wondering if he was ever even gonna ask her out again.

 

 

That is NOT indicative of a man all that interested in a woman IMO. Sure he likes her fine, and no doubt would have continued dating her had the dog bite incident not happened, until he met the woman he WAS interested in having a RL with.

 

 

She's a "good for now" girl - only now she may not even be that.

 

 

I am so sorry to be this harsh, but it does not appear she is "getting it."

 

 

And since I really like her and don't wish to see get even more hurt than she's already been, I want her to walk away from this guy, so she can focus on herself, becoming stronger, less anxious, MORE comfortable in her own skin, so that the NEXT guy she meets, she can be somewhat "normal" with (for lack of a better word) and can have that RL she so desperately wants with a man who adores her and does not leaving her feeling anxious, off balance, on edge and questioning things all the time! That's NOT how it works!

 

 

She's a beautiful person and deserves it!

Edited October 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

I know jd ... But while many of us see the obvious (like we do on these soap operas) the OP is living the experience and we'd like to be able to reach out and say "nooooooo! Don't believe him. Don't go for it!" We can't ...we just watch the whole plane head straight toward the mountain to sure destruction.

 

The OP is a real person to me and my momma bear wants to reach out and comfort her while giving the guy a swipe of my paw...something his enabling momma never did or else he wouldn't behave in this manner. And ya I speak from experience. I only have boys but believe me ...I raise them in such a manner that this behavior would just be unacceptable ...I digress.

 

FWIW ...I don't even believe this guy blows hot and cold ...I'm not even sure he has a pulse ...or a heart. I would personally be scared.

 

If it were me ...I'd drop this guy ...then I'd get an attorney of my own to draft a letter about the dog bite ...handle it ...get a settlement (it's a facial wound and she's a young woman!!!) and move on. This guy's got a dark heart ...and it's not thinly veiled to those of us who see who he really is.

 

Aw, thanks, StocksnBlondes. I'm just glad that I found a place where people understand. I haven't reached a conclusion about how I feel about the guy, but I think what's clear here is that I need to work on myself. Looking back at my posts over the last couple of years, what I'm going through with this guy is part of a pattern. I can't put all the blame on him for that. I just can't. As the saying goes, "If you're getting the same results, do something different," or whatever. With this guy, I didn't do anything different, so the fact that I expected a better outcome with him is crazy. I need to do some major work on myself.