Anxiety’s Getting The Best Of Me

[katiegrl]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to "he's lying," he's just not making any effort.

 

I would.... when a man is interested, there is no such thing as "too busy." Come on now....

 

 

Again he has NOT initiated anything in over two weeks.

 

 

Between that and the BS story about his phone dying.... personally I don't trust him, but if LL wants to believe he's telling the truth, that he's just too busy working to see her AT ALL over the weekend, not even for a quick bite to eat, or walk in the park, something..... then that's her prerogative.

 

 

For me? I would have been outta there a LONG time ago....

[losangelena]

For me? I would have been outta there a LONG time ago....

 

Yep. What's most distressing about this thread is that, to me, it sounds a if OP is trying to keep us convinced that this is a "good guy" and one worthy of her continued concern.

 

Of course the choice is up to her, and yeah it's hard to give up sometimes, but I feel as if she'd have better results if SHE took the initiative to put the kibosh on this relationship, take what she's learned, and move on to the next guy. I don't think she should wait around until it's deader than dead—nexting him will at least leave her self-esteem in tact.

 

I am kind of getting commitmentphobe vibes off this guy. I picked up a book about this the other day, "Men Who Can't Love," by Steven Carter, and while it's illuminated a lot of what happened with my ex, I think it could apply to OP's situation as well. Whatever his case is, the advice remains the same—she will have the best results if she pulls back and maintains her independence.

Edited October 15, 2015 by losangelena

[katiegrl]

 

I am kind of getting commitmentphobe vibes off this guy. I picked up a book about this the other day, "Men Who Can't Love," by Steven Carter, and while it's illuminated a lot of what happened with my ex, I think it could apply to OP's situation as well. Whatever his case is, the advice remains the same—she will have the best results if she pulls back and maintains her independence.

 

 

Absolutely! A MUST read for every woman, especially one dealing with an ambivalent man...

 

 

The title is cheesy but the book is super informative, it's also a super enjoyable read!

[Lovelorn00]

Yep. What's most distressing about this thread is that, to me, it sounds a if OP is trying to keep us convinced that this is a "good guy" and one worthy of her continued concern.

 

Of course the choice is up to her, and yeah it's hard to give up sometimes, but I feel as if she'd have better results if SHE took the initiative to put the kibosh on this relationship, take what she's learned, and move on to the next guy. I don't think she should wait around until it's deader than dead—nexting him will at least leave her self-esteem in tact.

 

I am kind of getting commitmentphobe vibes off this guy. I picked up a book about this the other day, "Men Who Can't Love," by Steven Carter, and while it's illuminated a lot of what happened with my ex, I think it could apply to OP's situation as well. Whatever his case is, the advice remains the same—she will have the best results if she pulls back and maintains her independence.

 

Eh. My self-esteem has already taken the hit. That's probably why I'm still holding on to the little shreds he's giving me. I'm done dating after this. I just can't anymore. To think that the world is riddled with men like this. Men who can't love and men who don't care and men who just hop from one girl to the next and men who trick you into falling for them only to pull away. It's depressing as f***, and I don't want any part of it. I have a better chance at hitting the Powerball or being struck by lightning than finding lasting love at this point.

[Lovelorn00]

I would.... when a man is interested, there is no such thing as "too busy." Come on now....

 

 

Again he has NOT initiated anything in over two weeks.

 

 

Between that and the BS story about his phone dying.... personally I don't trust him, but if LL wants to believe he's telling the truth, that he's just too busy working to see her AT ALL over the weekend, not even for a quick bite to eat, or walk in the park, something..... then that's her prerogative.

 

 

For me? I would have been outta there a LONG time ago....

 

I was actually just talking to a co-worker of mine about this. She and her guy have been dating for 3+ years. I asked her if there was ever such a thing as "too busy," and she said yes, even in the early stages. In fact, she won't be seeing her guy for the next three weeks due to work schedules and such. I asked her if they scheduled a day to see each other once things have calmed and she said no.

 

I get that most of this guy's actions seem a little shady, and I agree - he's doesn't appear to be making that much effort, but keep in mind that the picture of our "relationship" has been relayed to you through the lens of an anxious person who tends to think negatively about these things anyway.

[Jejangles]

I was actually just talking to a co-worker of mine about this. She and her guy have been dating for 3+ years. I asked her if there was ever such a thing as "too busy," and she said yes, even in the early stages. In fact, she won't be seeing her guy for the next three weeks due to work schedules and such. I asked her if they scheduled a day to see each other once things have calmed and she said no.

 

I get that most of this guy's actions seem a little shady, and I agree - he's doesn't appear to be making that much effort, but keep in mind that the picture of our "relationship" has been relayed to you through the lens of an anxious person who tends to think negatively about these things anyway.

 

LL, how can you compare a 3 year committed relationship to your two month casual dating relationship? if he is too busy to see you right now, at this stage in your relationship, he should be setting up a date in the future when he will be less busy. That's how you show interest. Endless texting with no firm plans is an indicator of low to casual interest.

 

I know you said Natalie Lue is a little too strident for you, but please read this post, it's the one that made me realise the guy I was dating for 4 months was emotionally unavailable (at that time in his life, not necessarily forever!) Any of this sound at least a little like the guy you are dating? Is He Emotionally Unavailable? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

And I can say this now - the guy I dated who was EU was a good person, that's why I dated him for 4 months! He was kind, thoughtful, thought up fun activities etc. He made it clear he liked me a lot through both his words and actions. He just couldn't step up at that time in his life due to tough circumstances and possibly some stuff that had happened in his past. For all I know, he has since met the love of his life and was available to her, but he was not available to me at the time we dated and that's all I care about.

[Truth34]

Eh. My self-esteem has already taken the hit. That's probably why I'm still holding on to the little shreds he's giving me. I'm done dating after this. I just can't anymore. To think that the world is riddled with men like this. Men who can't love and men who don't care and men who just hop from one girl to the next and men who trick you into falling for them only to pull away. It's depressing as f***, and I don't want any part of it. I have a better chance at hitting the Powerball or being struck by lightning than finding lasting love at this point.

 

My thoughts arent quite that drastic yet but I can completely understand where youre coming from. Except I'd replace all of your He/Men with She/Women.

 

You will succeed. I will succeed. There isnt another choice, girl.

[katiegrl]

Eh. My self-esteem has already taken the hit. That's probably why I'm still holding on to the little shreds he's giving me. I'm done dating after this. I just can't anymore. To think that the world is riddled with men like this. Men who can't love and men who don't care and men who just hop from one girl to the next and men who trick you into falling for them only to pull away. It's depressing as f***, and I don't want any part of it. I have a better chance at hitting the Powerball or being struck by lightning than finding lasting love at this point.

 

 

LL, first off I am sorry you're hurting ((hugs)).

 

 

Second, there are good guys out there, I found one and we're getting married next year...

 

 

You just have to know how to find them... and have the strength to walk away from any man who is not giving you what you want, expect and need from a RL.

 

 

You have been feeling anxious with this guy from the get go....there was a reason for that! Pay attention to your own feelings and how you respond to certain actions. If there is anxiety, explore why. 9 x out of 10, it's the man causing it.... don't ignore that !

 

 

Lastly, the only thing holding on to what few "scraps" he's tossing you will accomplish is making you feel WORSE, lowering your self-esteem even lower than it is already.

 

 

Again, I am so sorry you're hurting.... it will get better, I promise! BTDT!

 

 

And in the meantime, read read read. Some of it may sound preachy, but knowledge is power, and the more knowledge you have about men, their behavior, about your own responses to their behavior, the better able you will be to find the right man for you.

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

Eh. My self-esteem has already taken the hit. That's probably why I'm still holding on to the little shreds he's giving me. I'm done dating after this. I just can't anymore. To think that the world is riddled with men like this. Men who can't love and men who don't care and men who just hop from one girl to the next and men who trick you into falling for them only to pull away. It's depressing as f***, and I don't want any part of it. I have a better chance at hitting the Powerball or being struck by lightning than finding lasting love at this point.

 

I highly doubt that's how you really feel, and furthermore this kind of defeatist attitude is not going to get you anywhere. I think there is a way to navigate around men like that to those who are sincere in their interest and who will push past any fears of commitment they may have. Through wants/needs, assertiveness, whatever you want to call it—doing that will allow you to minimize your anxiety and not get hung up on men like this.

 

But I am not going to try and convince you; certainly at this point you sound over it.

[katiegrl]

I was actually just talking to a co-worker of mine about this. She and her guy have been dating for 3+ years. I asked her if there was ever such a thing as "too busy," and she said yes, even in the early stages. In fact, she won't be seeing her guy for the next three weeks due to work schedules and such. I asked her if they scheduled a day to see each other once things have calmed and she said no.

 

I get that most of this guy's actions seem a little shady, and I agree - he's doesn't appear to be making that much effort, but keep in mind that the picture of our "relationship" has been relayed to you through the lens of an anxious person who tends to think negatively about these things anyway.

 

 

You may be anxious, but in addition to expressing your feelings.... you are relaying FACTS, are you not?

 

 

Not to harp, but the facts, as presented by you in this thread and your previous thread, re his behavior and how he's been treating you, clearly indicate (to me anyway) that he's on his way out and lost interest.

 

 

And you can't possible compare a three year committed established RL, to what you're experiencing with this guy. You're not even in a relationship....you are (or were) casually dating, and THAT isn't even happening anymore.

 

 

Not sure why you can't see it or accept it... it's is just so clear to me and others responding in this thread.

 

 

I dunno perhaps you're projecting your own feelings on to him.... that is very common. Because the alternative (accepting he's lost interest) is just too painful for you to deal with right now.

 

 

In any event, your pulling back is good. No texting or calling, or initiating.

 

 

Wait to see how he responds. Either he will step UP or just fade OUT for good.

 

 

And if he texts you, you might want to think about not responding. Let him wonder. I would. He's been tossing you scraps... you toss them right back.

 

 

You deserve better!

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[Hope87]

I think your concerns are extremely valid and warranted. The fact that you are anxious by nature doesn't mean your interpretation of the events that have transpired somehow misguided or erroneous. Truth is dating shouldn't be half as difficult as it's made out to be sometimes ( typically when you're involved with the wrong person). When a guy is serious about you, or genuinely interested in exploring the option of getting serious about you, ( emotional available, serious minded, possess the required and desirable traits for a partner etc), you will have fewer doubts. You won't have to wait 2 weeks to receive an invitation to hang out for example. You won't have to spend so much time analysing every thing he does or omits to do because his actions would demonstrate that he is keyed in.

 

 

In addition to the book by Steve Carter ( Men who can't love) which another poster has highlighted, I want to recommend another book to you. It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" and it's written by two authors namely Amir Levin and Rachel Heller. The book provides amazing insight into the attachment styles of people which are categorised into three broad groups: Anxious attachment style, secure attachment style and avoidsnt attachment style. In a nutshell, the ideal partner to be paired with is one who exhibits a secure attachment style. They are independent yet embrace relationships and intimacy and their calming effect is so powerful that a person who possesses an anxious attachment style may actually become elevated to the status of that of a secure attachment personality type. . It is worth a read and will make you realise that you're not crazy. The authors also strongly advise anxious driven people to refrain from getting paired with a person who exhibits avoidant personality traits. Such people have intimacy issues ie demonstrate a fear of establishing and sustaining real intimacy which is reflected in their attitudes to relationships for example push-pull dynamics, getting cold once the object of affection has been won over etc. Needless to say, they exacerbate the anxieties and fears of people with anxiety avoidant personalities etc.

 

 

Please read it when you can, I think you'll learn a lot.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Hope87

[Lois_Griffin]

Why are people assuming this guy isn't capable of loving someone or being in a committed relationship with a woman? Why should the OP read some self help book about men who can't love?

 

It simply sounds like this guy isn't interested in loving or - having - a committed relationship with the OP, is all. And she keeps trying to read between the lines for hidden meaning that he wants it when he clearly has shown he doesn't. It ain't rocket science.

 

As far as sexting with him - that means crap. He was horny one night and liked the stimulation you offered up to him. If he hadn't been sexting you he probably would have been watching porn for his JO session. That's hardly a declaration of interest or love.

 

Your problem isn't a man whose incapable of loving. It's the fact that you refuse to see he's not interested in loving you. I don't mean to be harsh but he's shown you this over and over and over but you just refuse to acknowledge it.

[katiegrl]

Why are people assuming this guy isn't capable of loving someone or being in a committed relationship with a woman? Why should the OP read some self help book about men who can't love?

 

It simply sounds like this guy isn't interested in loving or - having - a committed relationship with the OP, is all. And she keeps trying to read between the lines for hidden meaning that he wants it when he clearly has shown he doesn't. It ain't rocket science.

 

As far as sexting with him - that means crap. He was horny one night and liked the stimulation you offered up to him. If he hadn't been sexting you he probably would have been watching porn for his JO session. That's hardly a declaration of interest or love.

 

Your problem isn't a man whose incapable of loving. It's the fact that you refuse to see he's not interested in loving you. I don't mean to be harsh but he's shown you this over and over and over but you just refuse to acknowledge it.

 

 

That is precisely why she needs to read those books (the ones recommended). Because she's NOT "acknowledging it."

 

 

Those books will help her and give her to tools which will allow her TO "acknowledge it."

 

 

She needs to learn how to recognize when a guy she's dating is NO LONGER into her, so she can accept it and MOVE ON.

 

 

Natalie Lue and Steven Carter, among others, will help her learn those things....

 

 

And yes I agree with you...with ANOTHER woman, he WILL be "available" to her...and will NOT be "too busy." I stated that earlier in this thread.

 

 

There is no such thing as "too busy" when a man is into you!

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

LL, how can you compare a 3 year committed relationship to your two month casual dating relationship? if he is too busy to see you right now, at this stage in your relationship, he should be setting up a date in the future when he will be less busy. That's how you show interest. Endless texting with no firm plans is an indicator of low to casual interest.

 

I know you said Natalie Lue is a little too strident for you, but please read this post, it's the one that made me realise the guy I was dating for 4 months was emotionally unavailable (at that time in his life, not necessarily forever!) Any of this sound at least a little like the guy you are dating? Is He Emotionally Unavailable? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

And I can say this now - the guy I dated who was EU was a good person, that's why I dated him for 4 months! He was kind, thoughtful, thought up fun activities etc. He made it clear he liked me a lot through both his words and actions. He just couldn't step up at that time in his life due to tough circumstances and possibly some stuff that had happened in his past. For all I know, he has since met the love of his life and was available to her, but he was not available to me at the time we dated and that's all I care about.

 

Oh, I know. I'm not comparing my relationship to hers at all. I should've clarified. I'm saying that people have their "stuff" no matter what stage of dating they're in. Her relationship with her guy is nothing like mine.

 

I read the article. My guy does indeed sound like he's emotionally unavailable. Funny how all the men I meet are emotionally unavailable up until the next girl comes along. I'm the girl you date right before you meet the girl you end up marrying, apparently. Timing is definitely not my friend.

[katiegrl]

Oh, I know. I'm not comparing my relationship to hers at all. I should've clarified. I'm saying that people have their "stuff" no matter what stage of dating they're in. Her relationship with her guy is nothing like mine.

 

I read the article. My guy does indeed sound like he's emotionally unavailable. Funny how all the men I meet are emotionally unavailable up until the next girl comes along. I'm the girl you date right before you meet the girl you end up marrying, apparently. Timing is definitely not my friend.

 

No it's not the timing LL.... there is something about you that eventually turns these guys off. It's happened too many damn times to ignore that.

 

 

Not to be harsh but honestly, I want this to sink in so you can begin introspecting about what's going on within you... your behavior and what type of vibes you're sending these guys.

 

 

It's all pretty much been outlined in this thread - your lack of intellectual and emotional HONESTY, vulnerability -- your misconception that you need to be this "cool chick" who just goes along with their agenda.... putting your own needs and desires on the back burner. NOT speaking up and STANDING UP for what YOU expect, need and desire.

 

 

Men can SENSE all that --- and it causes them to lose excitement about you, become bored, NOT trust you, and turns them off.

 

 

THAT is what you need to understand and as Lois G said, ACKNOWLEDGE, before you have a snowball's chance in hell of making the necessary changes within you to make ANY relationship work.

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[kpl]

These men may or may not be emotionally unavailable, but really who cares.

 

The more time we all focus on what this guy did or didn't do to you, LL, the harder it is to really think about what you are doing to you. We don't even need to paint him as anything, bad or good, you are not happy. I think right now just focus on the list idea losangelena gave you and work on being the kind of woman who can get that man.

 

I look at it like this, there are times when I feel lazy and not good about myself and i meet someone and i don't trust it b/c I wonder why would someone want me in this state and usually they are lazy and unsure of themselves too. When I put in the effort, when I'm feeling good i meet much better prospects. I know it sounds too simple but it is very possible. Continue focusing on yourself being the best person you can be to make you happy and your guy the guy will be attracted to you.

[katiegrl]

I know it sounds too simple but it is very possible. Continue focusing on yourself being the best person you can be to make you happy and your guy the guy will be attracted to you.

 

 

Completely agree. And to add to that.....

 

 

With this guy, he's probably wondering why the hell you are NOT walking away. Men KNOW when they're not stepping up, they're not stupid.

 

 

In his mind, your NOT walking away indicates (to him) that you don't value yourself, you don't respect yourself.... so how can HE value you and respect you when you don't value and respect yourself!

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

I also want to respond to a previous question someone (I think it was katiegrl) asked. I don't want to scroll back through and quote it, because it’s starting to hurt reading this stuff.

 

 

 

However, this guy has been in a serious relationship before. At least one that lasted a couple of years, and that one ended a year ago in November. He’s mentioned that he’s been on a few dates here and there using the OLD site that we met on, but that he’s never gotten past one date with any of these girls. I’m also getting the impression that he dated someone briefly (not sure how long) earlier this year. Like maybe April or May.

[katiegrl]

I also want to respond to a previous question someone (I think it was katiegrl) asked. I don't want to scroll back through and quote it, because it’s starting to hurt reading this stuff.

 

 

 

However, this guy has been in a serious relationship before. At least one that lasted a couple of years, and that one ended a year ago in November. He’s mentioned that he’s been on a few dates here and there using the OLD site that we met on, but that he’s never gotten past one date with any of these girls. I’m also getting the impression that he dated someone briefly (not sure how long) earlier this year. Like maybe April or May.

 

 

Well since you had at least half dozen dates with him (in what two months?)...that would indicate he was certainly interested in you at some point anyway.

 

*Some* interest anyway.... as 6-7 dates in two months is not anything to write home about IMO. That's less than one date per week.

 

 

That said, LL you need to focus on what's happening NOW.... not what happened and how he treated you when you FIRST started dating.

 

 

Feelings are fragile in these early stages and can change on a dime.

Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

These men may or may not be emotionally unavailable, but really who cares.

 

The more time we all focus on what this guy did or didn't do to you, LL, the harder it is to really think about what you are doing to you. We don't even need to paint him as anything, bad or good, you are not happy. I think right now just focus on the list idea losangelena gave you and work on being the kind of woman who can get that man.

 

I look at it like this, there are times when I feel lazy and not good about myself and i meet someone and i don't trust it b/c I wonder why would someone want me in this state and usually they are lazy and unsure of themselves too. When I put in the effort, when I'm feeling good i meet much better prospects. I know it sounds too simple but it is very possible. Continue focusing on yourself being the best person you can be to make you happy and your guy the guy will be attracted to you.

 

Beautifully said. Thank you.

[Lovelorn00]

Okay, I get it. Here’s what I’m taking away from this rather brutally honest exchange haha:

 

· It’s me – I’m an anxious attacher who needs therapy/medication

 

AND

 

· It’s him – he’s emotionally unavailable and has no interest in me romantically

 

Got it.

[kpl]

Okay, I get it. Here’s what I’m taking away from this rather brutally honest exchange haha:

 

· It’s me – I’m an anxious attacher who needs therapy/medication

 

AND

 

· It’s him – he’s emotionally unavailable and has no interest in me romantically

 

Got it.

 

I really wouldn't be that hard on yourself or him for that matter.

[Lovelorn00]

I really wouldn't be that hard on yourself or him for that matter.

 

Can one be honest with oneself without being hard on oneself?

[Hope87]

Why are people assuming this guy isn't capable of loving someone or being in a committed relationship with a woman? Why should the OP read some self help book about men who can't love?

 

It simply sounds like this guy isn't interested in loving or - having - a committed relationship with the OP, is all. And she keeps trying to read between the lines for hidden meaning that he wants it when he clearly has shown he doesn't. It ain't rocket science.

 

As far as sexting with him - that means crap. He was horny one night and liked the stimulation you offered up to him. If he hadn't been sexting you he probably would have been watching porn for his JO session. That's hardly a declaration of interest or love.

 

Your problem isn't a man whose incapable of loving. It's the fact that you refuse to see he's not interested in loving you. I don't mean to be harsh but he's shown you this over and over and over but you just refuse to acknowledge it.

 

The "Attachment" book is particularly relevant to the OP because it will help her attain a better understanding of her intrinsic traits and attributes in order to guide her in selecting a better and more suitable partne, taking into consideration, the core and design of her build-up. The book achieves this without making anxious people feel like they are the sole reason for the demise of their relationships and avoids disparaging their inherent personality traits which are deeply rooted in biology. OP stated earlier on that she has a habit of dating men who aren't really into her. She's also indicated that the ambivalence, indifference, hot-cold/push-pull dynamics typically associated with and demonstrated by these men tend to heighten and aggravate her anxiety levels. This is in concordance with the main elements of the book which highlights that unfortunately, people with anxiety personality traits are far more likely to date people with avoidant personality attachment style traits and as a result, fail to get their emotional needs met ultimately culminating in extreme dissatisfaction and disappointment. Avoidant personality types for example perceive closeness as a threat to their independence and tend to minimise intimacy whereas anxious attachment styles crave strong emotional bonds. It is therefore clear to see why pairing of these two individuals would almost certainly not produce positive outcomes, except certain steps are taken to create a good balance. The book is instrumental in teaching one about him or herself, helping one attain a better understanding of the reasons why he or she reacts and functions in the manner that they do and crucially, steers one away from selecting partners who intensifyor aggravate anxiety in relationships.

 

The book also teaches people how to respond to certain situations and I think it's a great dating guide in general. of A lot of heartache and grief can be averted by taking proactive measure to avoid entering/ pursuing relationships with certain types of people who exhibits certain traits. I have no doubt that if OP were paired with a person who embodies a secure attachment style, she'd probably become calmer and relaxed. I'm recommending this book to her so she can apply in her broader dating life. The OP has made some self-denigrating remarks about herself and I think this book will prove useful in terms of underscoring that her anxious nature doesn't make her unlovable, that certain types of partners are simply not worth investing in, that she must pay closer attention to the traits of people she meets in order to identify red flags which will inevitably sink the relationship and opt for a partner with a secure attachment style who is more likely to reciprocate love and intimacy and minimise agitation levels. It's a very empowering message as it points out the fact that sometimes the decisions we make can have a significant influence on the prospects of our lives. It's not always as simple as "move on, he's not into you ". Sometimes we are unconsciously drawn to/ gravitate towards the wrong types of people and this must be addressed otherwise this trend will keep repeating itself and will inevitably batter ones self value and self esteem in.tbe long term.

[Lovelorn00]

The "Attachment" book is particularly relevant to the OP because it will help her attain a better understanding of her intrinsic traits and attributes in order to guide her in selecting a better and more suitable partne, taking into consideration, the core and design of her build-up. The book achieves this without making anxious people feel like they are the sole reason for the demise of their relationships and avoids disparaging their inherent personality traits which are deeply rooted in biology. OP stated earlier on that she has a habit of dating men who aren't really into her. She's also indicated that the ambivalence, indifference, hot-cold/push-pull dynamics typically associated with and demonstrated by these men tend to heighten and aggravate her anxiety levels. This is in concordance with the main elements of the book which highlights that unfortunately, people with anxiety personality traits are far more likely to date people with avoidant personality attachment style traits and as a result, fail to get their emotional needs met ultimately culminating in extreme dissatisfaction and disappointment. Avoidant personality types for example perceive closeness as a threat to their independence and tend to minimise intimacy whereas anxious attachment styles crave strong emotional bonds. It is therefore clear to see why pairing of these two individuals would almost certainly not produce positive outcomes, except certain steps are taken to create a good balance. The book is instrumental in teaching one about him or herself, helping one attain a better understanding of the reasons why he or she reacts and functions in the manner that they do and crucially, steers one away from selecting partners who intensifyor aggravate anxiety in relationships.

 

The book also teaches people how to respond to certain situations and I think it's a great dating guide in general. of A lot of heartache and grief can be averted by taking proactive measure to avoid entering/ pursuing relationships with certain types of people who exhibits certain traits. I have no doubt that if OP were paired with a person who embodies a secure attachment style, she'd probably become calmer and relaxed. I'm recommending this book to her so she can apply in her broader dating life. The OP has made some self-denigrating remarks about herself and I think this book will prove useful in terms of underscoring that her anxious nature doesn't make her unlovable, that certain types of partners are simply not worth investing in, that she must pay closer attention to the traits of people she meets in order to identify red flags which will inevitably sink the relationship and opt for a partner with a secure attachment style who is more likely to reciprocate love and intimacy and minimise agitation levels. It's a very empowering message as it points out the fact that sometimes the decisions we make can have a significant influence on the prospects of our lives. It's not always as simple as "move on, he's not into you ". Sometimes we are unconsciously drawn to/ gravitate towards the wrong types of people and this must be addressed otherwise this trend will keep repeating itself and will inevitably batter ones self value and self esteem in.tbe long term.

 

Thanks, Hope87. That book was indeed a good suggestion, and I’ve actually been reading it, as someone suggested it to me when I first started back posting here a few months ago. I haven’t finished it, however, because it began to rub me the wrong way. As far as the book’s description of anxious attachment styles, it was spot on. That’s definitely me. However, it goes on to say that I’m mentally wired to be more attracted to the avoidant type. My boss’s wife likes to say that I have a “broken picker” haha. That’s where I stopped reading. I felt as if the book was saying I was basically doomed to continue going after the avoidant personality types, simply because that’s who I’m attracted to. So what’s a girl to do? Date someone she’s not attracted to? I’ve actually tried that with a couple of guys. A few years back, I dated a guy I wasn’t attracted to, but he treated me like a queen. It didn’t work out, because the attraction just wasn’t there, and he could sense it. There’s more to a relationship than “he treats me nice.” And I don’t mean just physically. Physically, he was okay. There just wasn’t anything there, no matter how badly I wanted there to be.

 

The other issue I have with the book is that it teaches the anxious person to be a “red flag” spotter. The problem is that not everything an anxious person sees as a red flag is actually a red flag. This is the stuff of 10-page threads on this forum. The anxious person tends to over-analyze and creates red flags that aren’t actually there. I know the goal of the book is to teach the anxious attacher how to spot an avoidant as early as possible, but I think that creates the risk of ruling out guys who are actually decent.

 

Again, to be fair, I haven’t finished the book, but I plan to. I haven’t read the part about “what to do” if you find yourself in an anxious/avoidant relationship or how to respond to certain situations. I feel like that info would indeed be particularly useful to me.