Anxiety’s Getting The Best Of Me

[Lovelorn00]

But to answer your question, you pull back (i.e. not responding immediately - maybe waiting a day -- because although he's texting you occasionally and making casual references to some upcoming event he's planning on attending, he's not putting much of anything else into this -- so why should you jump like a puppy and be "available" to answer every singal text? When HE is not "available" (to go on actual dates) with you?

 

First bold - I've been doing this since the day that I met him, and I haven't the energy to continue playing games with him anymore, because it clearly didn't work.

 

Second bold - I'm not. Throughout the couple of months that I've been seeing him, I have been the one who has been the least responsive via text. Yes, I answer him. Eventually. Last night, it took me a couple of hours to respond simply because I was busy doing something else. I often don't even respond until the next morning. So, no puppy jumping here.

[losangelena]

Sorry, had to add… if anyone is picking up on any emotional changes on my part, I can’t say that’s entirely inaccurate. The whole reason I post here is to gain a little insight into this whole dating mess. Through book suggestions, article suggestions, advice, etc., I’ve drawn some conclusions of my own since I started this thread. I’d be kind of worried if my emotions WEREN’T changing. There are days that are harder to deal with than others when it comes to the ending of my “relationship” with this guy, so that might also be it. There’s also the fact that my real-life girlfriends (there are about 5 married ones) are all offering advice that contradict most of what’s being said here, so you’re not the only confused one. Haha

 

Of course you should be changing your mind about things as you go on.

 

I'm curious to hear what your thought process has been, and also what kind of advice your friends are giving you. Obviously you don't have to share if you don't want to, but it may be illuminating.

[katiegrl]

Sorry, had to add… if anyone is picking up on any emotional changes on my part, I can’t say that’s entirely inaccurate. The whole reason I post here is to gain a little insight into this whole dating mess. Through book suggestions, article suggestions, advice, etc., I’ve drawn some conclusions of my own since I started this thread. I’d be kind of worried if my emotions WEREN’T changing. There are days that are harder to deal with than others when it comes to the ending of my “relationship” with this guy, so that might also be it. There’s also the fact that my real-life girlfriends (there are about 5 married ones) are all offering advice that contradict most of what’s being said here, so you’re not the only confused one. Haha

 

Well I am engaged to be married, for whatever that's worth. Five very happy years together.... knock wood.

 

 

Before him I was engaged to a guy (I broke the engagement).... who after three months dating, told me he was ambivalent about me, the RL and needed space.

 

 

I left him alone, complete no contact (although he did continue to text me to see how I was, etc.)... but I did not respond.

 

 

After three weeks of complete no contact, he returned telling me he realized he was in love with me, we eventually got back together (not right away as I wasn't inclined to jump back in just cause HE was ready now....lol)....we dated for FOUR YEARS, he asked me to marry him, we got engaged, but I broke the engagement for reasons other than him pulling away and needing space four years prior.

 

 

It was a great RL though....he was my best friend for a long long time.

 

 

Just wanted to post that FWIW.

 

 

[StBreton]

I don't even want to give him that much, to be honest. I've already assumed that he doesn't want to go out again. I've already started my grieving process and chalked him up to being a slow fader. I understand that asking him point-blank about hanging out again would be an effective way to finalize this thing, but for me, that would be like sticking my finger in a fresh wound. It's easier for me to just fade as slowly as he is.

 

LL ...I've been following this for a while. IMO ...this "slow fade" would be painful ... Like the needle they use to draw blood ...I just want that thing out of me STAT!

[kpl]

Thanks, kpl. This is something I'll bring up at my next session.

 

Just a note too...I practiced therapy and termination to me always starts on day 1. When going to your therapist you can mention you don't feel confident in your skills to handle your anxiety out of session and if the two of you can review progress. Constantly reviewing progress is also important. Asking for specific skills you can use on your own will help you.

[kpl]

I think something that is also hard is trying to figure what a relationship with anxiety looks like and trying to figure out if it would look different than what has been happening.

 

I do believe you can meet someone you care about and is crazy about you and still struggle with anxious feelings. I have had anxiety for so long and I am currently dating someone and those feelings didnt' go away. This guy isn't doing anything to make me feel like I should be anxious. He probably does more than most guys would do b/c I still have moments where I feel insecure and uneasy. Him staying present and being consistent has helped me tremendously and he is also very calm and patient with me. That's why with anxiety it is important to make it a personal thing you work on and not relate it to anyone else and just date ppl who don't exacerbate it.

 

I used to be drawn to men who were not crazy about me. I had to change what I found to be attractive. So inconsistency, someone making me feel more anxious are all big turnoffs for me, I instantly lose interest. Lovel mentioned something similar in their post. You shouldn't even want a guy that isn't crazy about you, it's like why are you attracted to someone who isn't crazy about you. Someone showing up for you should be sexyl! So even if your "picker" may be broken you have to look at your list and start to change what attracts you to someone. I ramble a lot so I help this makes sense. hahaha.

[mrldii]

OP, I agree with many of the posts...but I especially agree with one that you, yourself, made:

 

...I received many responses that (correctly) ascertained that my feelings may be coming from severe dating anxiety and my tendency to think negatively about these situations, so I really don’t know if I can trust myself anymore...

 

Either This Guy is incapable of loving, or he's incapable of loving you, specifically. Regardless, what IS clear is that you will be anxious and over-analyze everything that happens to ensure that your self-fulfilling prophecy of 'This Relationship is Doomed' does come to pass.

 

Someone [professionally] suggested that there is no therapy for this and that getting over anxiety takes repeated exposure to the trigger to overcome it/them. I'm assuming you're old enough to have tried that, and still find yourself spiraling out of control in intimate relationships. Because this is a problem within yourself, it does not matter what The *Perfect* Guy does, you will still find issues with it.

 

In the immortal words of Dr. Phil, "How's that workin' for ya?" and "What are YOU getting out of this?"

 

In any event, you need to take a serious time-out from dating men with the intention of establishing a relationship with one of them until you get a handle on your anxieties which are self-sabotaging your claimed desire TO be in a relationship with someone.

 

As YOU stated, "...I really don’t know if I can trust myself anymore". You have no business substituting having faith that someone else will do right by you when you are operating from a space of having absolutely no faith in yourself to do right by you.

 

As a matter of fact, you are absolutely, positively, 100% setting yourself up TO be used, abused, degraded and discarded by another when placing all of the faith in them for yourself because you have none of your own for yourself.

 

Therapy? Oh, yeah. Extensive and protracted. Unless, of course, you enjoy being disappointed and let down by how the men you choose [end up] treat(ing) you.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Lovelorn00]

Of course you should be changing your mind about things as you go on.

 

I'm curious to hear what your thought process has been, and also what kind of advice your friends are giving you. Obviously you don't have to share if you don't want to, but it may be illuminating.

 

My thought process, for the most part, has vacillated between “this dude couldn’t care less” to “maybe he is genuinely overwhelmed.” It’s been between hope and despair, if I’m being totally honest. Most of the responses here seem to indicate the former, yet all of my married (or LTR) girlfriends seem to think he’s genuinely just too overwhelmed. They also seem to think that I’m expecting way too much from him way too early, and each of them have told me numerous stories about how their husbands behaved similarly in the beginning (much like katiegrl’s story of her ex-fiancée). Two of my girlfriends have very similar personalities to mine, and they both could relate to the feelings of anxiety when they first began dating their husbands. They could remember the long hours crying to their girlfriends on the phone or the gut-wrenching feelings of despair when their guys didn’t behave in a certain way towards them. They sometimes chuckle while I’m pouring my heart out to them about my situation almost as if to say, “Well, duh! That’s just how guys are!”

 

However, both sides seem to agree that backing off is the best thing to do right now, which I have. Not only for him, but also for me. It’s been a few weeks since I first noticed his loss of interest, and it hasn’t gotten any better. So, I’m just going to continue going through the process of grieving the loss. I’m taking it day by day and trying to live in the moment as much as possible. It’s all I can do.

[Lovelorn00]

Well I am engaged to be married, for whatever that's worth. Five very happy years together.... knock wood.

 

 

Before him I was engaged to a guy (I broke the engagement).... who after three months dating, told me he was ambivalent about me, the RL and needed space.

 

 

I left him alone, complete no contact (although he did continue to text me to see how I was, etc.)... but I did not respond.

 

 

After three weeks of complete no contact, he returned telling me he realized he was in love with me, we eventually got back together (not right away as I wasn't inclined to jump back in just cause HE was ready now....lol)....we dated for FOUR YEARS, he asked me to marry him, we got engaged, but I broke the engagement for reasons other than him pulling away and needing space four years prior.

 

 

It was a great RL though....he was my best friend for a long long time.

 

 

Just wanted to post that FWIW.

 

 

 

Thanks, katiegrl. This is an interesting story. Just curious - what did you say to him after your no-contact period? How did you let him know that his behavior wasn't okay with you?

[Lovelorn00]

LL ...I've been following this for a while. IMO ...this "slow fade" would be painful ... Like the needle they use to draw blood ...I just want that thing out of me STAT!

 

Haha Yeah, I know. I reckon I'm just a glutton for punishment.

[Lovelorn00]

I do believe you can meet someone you care about and is crazy about you and still struggle with anxious feelings.

 

Yes, I completely agree. If the perfect, secure man were to walk in right now and sweep me off my feet, I'd still feel those feelings of anxiety. I think it has less to do with him and more to do with my own issues with anxiety.

 

You shouldn't even want a guy that isn't crazy about you, it's like why are you attracted to someone who isn't crazy about you. Someone showing up for you should be sexyl! So even if your "picker" may be broken you have to look at your list and start to change what attracts you to someone. I ramble a lot so I help this makes sense. hahaha.

 

I think this might be a tad oversimplified, but I see what you're saying. It goes a little deeper than that. This guy, in the beginning, was crazy about me (or at least he appeared to be), and it felt absolutely wonderful. This, in turn, made me crazy about him, because his actions indicated that he was someone who exhibited a lot of the qualities that I find attractive in a guy.

 

However, I was wrong, and I will freely admit that. I was overly enamored with the person he wanted me to think he was, and now I know that he's not. So now begins the process of letting go.

 

It’s funny – I went out with some of my girlfriends this weekend, and one of them is single. We began commiserating over the fact that dating in the city I live in is brutal. She complained that she can never get past 3 dates with a guy until he either pulls a slow fade or completely ghosts on her. I laughed, because, although I know firsthand that her situation sucks, I’d almost rather end it after 3 dates than the typical two months that I usually have to go through. For me, two months is enough time for me to start getting my hopes up based on the guy’s initial actions. Within two months, my attraction builds and my “broken picker” thinks it found a keeper. For me, two months is when feelings start getting in the way, and, like clockwork, two months is usually when I get the slow fade or the ghosting. Yeah, I’d rather have the 3 dates. Haha

 

I guess all that to say – the things that I should be attracted to, the things you and others have listed here – the guys I date do exhibit those qualities... in the beginning. That’s part of the reason I get hooked. Attraction is a very difficult thing to define, and I believe there are certain things we can and cannot change. It's biological, it's psychological, etc. So, “changing what I’m attracted to”…. it’s easy to say, but that’s not an easy thing to do.

[losangelena]

My thought process, for the most part, has vacillated between “this dude couldn’t care less” to “maybe he is genuinely overwhelmed.” It’s been between hope and despair, if I’m being totally honest.

 

That's natural, of course.

 

Though, I'm more curious about how YOU feel about HIM, not how he feels about you. A lot of what I've emphasized, or what Katie and other posters have emphasized, is that the focus be taken off this guy and how he may or may not feel about you, and onto how you feel about him and how he's treating you.

 

Does that difference make sense?

 

I'm more interested to know how his behavior makes you feel about him—and not like, "oh, he may still be interested so I'm still interested," but rather, "I don't want to be with someone who is so distant."

 

Maybe you're totally fine with how he's being. I don't know, you haven't outrightly expressed that.

 

Or, does the fact that your friends tell you that you have unrealistic expectations make it feel like this is behavior you have to put up with? That you have to live with a relationship that makes you feel anxious or uncertain? Do you know at what point in their relationships they managed to get over their anxiety or what they did to help it along?

 

By the way, I'm not asking you these things because I think there's a right or wrong answer. I just don't think I've heard your answers to these questions, and they're quite important.

 

I don't know. Obviously your friends know you better and are there with you, but to me it just sounds like you are putting up with a lot of uncertainty and stress when you don't have to be.

[losangelena]

However, I was wrong, and I will freely admit that. I was overly enamored with the person he wanted me to think he was, and now I know that he's not. So now begins the process of letting go.

 

LL, explain what this means.

 

Do you mean letting go of him completely, or letting go of who you THOUGHT he was?

 

Because the last I remember you saying, you said he was still communicating with you even if he was busy and not asking you out.

 

No to rag on you, but I've noticed that you have a pattern of thinking it's just completely over and then he'll throw you a scrap and you say, oh well maybe I was wrong, maybe he's still interested.

 

Cause you just said in your last reply to me that you're vacillating between these two feelings—that maybe he's still interested, but maybe he isn't, but here you're saying you're in the process of letting go.

 

Again, not to rag, I'm just so confused!

 

This may be stating the obvious, but you can choose to move on from him no matter his interest level. Again, if he's not giving you what you need, you can say, "no thanks, I'm done," the next time he comes around.

 

I know you must know that, so I'm curious as to whether or not you're still holding onto a thread of hope. Sorry if I'm just dense, but I don't have a clear sense of what you really want out of this situation or are expecting.

[Lovelorn00]

Maybe you're totally fine with how he's being. I don't know, you haven't outrightly expressed that.

 

I'm not fine with it all, but I'm also not fine with a lot of perceived "red flag" behaviors that a lot of guys exhibit due to anxiety. I'm not fine with my perception of how he's being.

 

Or, does the fact that your friends tell you that you have unrealistic expectations make it feel like this is behavior you have to put up with? That you have to live with a relationship that makes you feel anxious or uncertain? Do you know at what point in their relationships they managed to get over their anxiety or what they did to help it along?

 

Yes, there's a bit of this going on. I'm not sure if they ever found a solution to get over their anxiety at all. Haha I know for a fact that one of them still feels anxiety over her relationship, because like me, she is just an overall anxious person. She feels anxiety over picking the wrong napkin color for Thanksgiving dinner. Like, seriously. If there was an online forum for napkin color anxiety, she'd be the with the 10-page thread on the subject. The others, I think just got to a point where they had enough. Like katiegrl. I've never really asked them specifically what they did, but that's the impression I'm getting. They were assertive (there's that word again) and expressed their needs in the relationship and were willing to walk if they didn't get them. I think that made the difference.

[losangelena]

They were assertive (there's that word again) and expressed their needs in the relationship and were willing to walk if they didn't get them. I think that made the difference.

 

Correct! That made all the difference, I assure you. This is what we've spent the last 12 pages talking about.

[Lovelorn00]

LL, explain what this means.

 

Do you mean letting go of him completely, or letting go of who you THOUGHT he was?

 

Because the last I remember you saying, you said he was still communicating with you even if he was busy and not asking you out.

 

No to rag on you, but I've noticed that you have a pattern of thinking it's just completely over and then he'll throw you a scrap and you say, oh well maybe I was wrong, maybe he's still interested.

 

Cause you just said in your last reply to me that you're vacillating between these two feelings—that maybe he's still interested, but maybe he isn't, but here you're saying you're in the process of letting go.

 

Again, not to rag, I'm just so confused!

 

This may be stating the obvious, but you can choose to move on from him no matter his interest level. Again, if he's not giving you what you need, you can say, "no thanks, I'm done," the next time he comes around.

 

I know you must know that, so I'm curious as to whether or not you're still holding onto a thread of hope. Sorry if I'm just dense, but I don't have a clear sense of what you really want out of this situation or are expecting.

 

Haha! No, I get it. It's hard to explain. I don't actually want to let go (of him completely), but I know that it's something that I need to do for my emotional well-being. Letting go (walking away - like my girlfriends did) is a weird process for me. A lot like quitting cigarettes or something else addictive. There’s a lot of back-and-forth, but, eventually, it will be done. I’ve started that process, and as the days wear on, my longing for him will diminish. He will slowly be demoted to a mere acquaintance to me. If he contacts me, I will communicate with him, like I do other acquaintances, but I won’t expect anything from him and I won’t initiate anything with him. It’s easier for me to continue the process of letting him go if I believe, in my mind, that it is completely over. Oftentimes, when I exhibit this behavior, it’s a little premature, but it’s a sort of defense mechanism. In this case, it's helpful. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Haha

[kpl]

My thought process, for the most part, has vacillated between “this dude couldn’t care less” to “maybe he is genuinely overwhelmed.” It’s been between hope and despair, if I’m being totally honest. Most of the responses here seem to indicate the former, yet all of my married (or LTR) girlfriends seem to think he’s genuinely just too overwhelmed. They also seem to think that I’m expecting way too much from him way too early, and each of them have told me numerous stories about how their husbands behaved similarly in the beginning (much like katiegrl’s story of her ex-fiancée). Two of my girlfriends have very similar personalities to mine, and they both could relate to the feelings of anxiety when they first began dating their husbands. They could remember the long hours crying to their girlfriends on the phone or the gut-wrenching feelings of despair when their guys didn’t behave in a certain way towards them. They sometimes chuckle while I’m pouring my heart out to them about my situation almost as if to say, “Well, duh! That’s just how guys are!”

 

However, both sides seem to agree that backing off is the best thing to do right now, which I have. Not only for him, but also for me. It’s been a few weeks since I first noticed his loss of interest, and it hasn’t gotten any better. So, I’m just going to continue going through the process of grieving the loss. I’m taking it day by day and trying to live in the moment as much as possible. It’s all I can do.

 

Yeah but you also have to think about at what age did these women meet these men? If these guys were in their mid twenties their behavior is going to be a lot different than a guy in his mid thirties. Mid thirty dating is completely different. Men should have grown up and know how to "behave" by then.

[Lovelorn00]

Yeah but you also have to think about at what age did these women meet these men? If these guys were in their mid twenties their behavior is going to be a lot different than a guy in his mid thirties. Mid thirty dating is completely different. Men should have grown up and know how to "behave" by then.

 

Haha... key word bolded above. I hate to say it, but I have difficulty seeing the differences in maturity levels between mid-twenties guys and mid-thirties guys. Again, there should be a difference, but there's often not. And I'm not just talking about the men I've dated.

[kpl]

Haha... key word bolded above. I hate to say it, but I have difficulty seeing the differences in maturity levels between mid-twenties guys and mid-thirties guys. Again, there should be a difference, but there's often not. And I'm not just talking about the men I've dated.

 

I guess I'm thinking about how one of my married friends tells me all the time men don't want to be committed and they don't want to get married b/c her husband had such a hard time committing to her and I think you guys met at 24 who wanted to really commit to anyone then. They're point of view is limited to what being single was 5 years ago. Even online dating has changed and evolved in that time.

 

Also...to note about something you said earlier about him showing up for you in the beginning and that being attracted. In the future consistency should be part of that attraction equation. So if he was showing up before and then didn't that should be a flag to you - what color who knows - but at least something to watch. I actually think and I may be off that you are in pretty good shape. I would limit talking about singledom to single ppl but you are pretty aware and I think this thread broke down things you need to do to get what you need. It's applying it that becomes an issue.

Edited October 19, 2015 by kpl
clarity

[losangelena]

Haha! No, I get it. It's hard to explain. I don't actually want to let go (of him completely), but I know that it's something that I need to do for my emotional well-being. Letting go (walking away - like my girlfriends did) is a weird process for me. A lot like quitting cigarettes or something else addictive. There’s a lot of back-and-forth, but, eventually, it will be done. I’ve started that process, and as the days wear on, my longing for him will diminish. He will slowly be demoted to a mere acquaintance to me. If he contacts me, I will communicate with him, like I do other acquaintances, but I won’t expect anything from him and I won’t initiate anything with him. It’s easier for me to continue the process of letting him go if I believe, in my mind, that it is completely over. Oftentimes, when I exhibit this behavior, it’s a little premature, but it’s a sort of defense mechanism. In this case, it's helpful. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Haha

 

Yeah, that make total sense, and I'm glad to hear it. It's better than if you were clinging to every scrap he throws you.

 

I agree that getting over someone, even if it's someone you saw for just a couple of months, can be a process. I think a lot of times on here, the advice is just to suddenly go NC like the person never existed, and that's hard to do, it is.

 

Thanks for clarifying your position. I agree with kpl—your thought process is sound (regardless of your anxiety) and I think you're very aware; it's the application part that I'm worried about as well. But time will tell.

[Lovelorn00]

I guess I'm thinking about how one of my married friends tells me all the time men don't want to be committed and they don't want to get married b/c her husband had such a hard time committing to her and I think you guys met at 24 who wanted to really commit to anyone then. They're point of view is limited to what being single was 5 years ago. Even online dating has changed and evolved in that time.

 

Also...to note about something you said earlier about him showing up for you in the beginning and that being attracted. In the future consistency should be part of that attraction equation. So if he was showing up before and then didn't that should be a flag to you - what color who knows - but at least something to watch. I actually think and I may be off that you are in pretty good shape. I would limit talking about singledom to single ppl but you are pretty aware and I think this thread broke down things you need to do to get what you need. It's applying it that becomes an issue.

 

Yes, that’s very true. Dating in general has changed quite a bit over the years, especially with the proliferation of OLD. What they went through with their 20-something-year-old dudes should be different than what I’m going through with my 30-year-old guy, but there are sooooooo many similarities. Not just to how their dudes behaved in the beginning, but also to how their dudes behave now (now that the honeymoon phase is over). One of my girlfriends just got married last year, but they have been together for years. Whenever I complain to her about this stuff, oftentimes, her response is, “Eh. My husband does that all the time.” Her husband is 27. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe we’re comparing apples to apples. Maybe when it comes to men, 30 is the new 25. Maybe the maturity doesn’t actually kick in until they’re in their 50’s. Haha I don’t know.

 

Yes, your observations are spot on. I know what I need to do for me to get through this. Some days, I’m angry. Some days, I’m hurt and sad over it. Some days I have moments of weakness where I want to reach out to him to tell him he’s a d**k, but ultimately, I know that the best course of action is to leave him alone.

[Lovelorn00]

Yeah, that make total sense, and I'm glad to hear it. It's better than if you were clinging to every scrap he throws you.

This is where staying in the moment helps, because Lord knows I want to cling to every scrap he throws me. When he contacts me, my heart soars, but I'm learning to squash that feeling, and I'm getting quicker with it each time. Soon, it'll have no effect on me.

[StBreton]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/501695-when-rains-pours-48.html#post6520719

 

LL ... Please read post 711 for inspiration

[Versacehottie]

My thought process, for the most part, has vacillated between “this dude couldn’t care less” to “maybe he is genuinely overwhelmed.” It’s been between hope and despair, if I’m being totally honest. Most of the responses here seem to indicate the former, yet all of my married (or LTR) girlfriends seem to think he’s genuinely just too overwhelmed. They also seem to think that I’m expecting way too much from him way too early, and each of them have told me numerous stories about how their husbands behaved similarly in the beginning (much like katiegrl’s story of her ex-fiancée). Two of my girlfriends have very similar personalities to mine, and they both could relate to the feelings of anxiety when they first began dating their husbands. They could remember the long hours crying to their girlfriends on the phone or the gut-wrenching feelings of despair when their guys didn’t behave in a certain way towards them. They sometimes chuckle while I’m pouring my heart out to them about my situation almost as if to say, “Well, duh! That’s just how guys are!”

 

However, both sides seem to agree that backing off is the best thing to do right now, which I have. Not only for him, but also for me. It’s been a few weeks since I first noticed his loss of interest, and it hasn’t gotten any better. So, I’m just going to continue going through the process of grieving the loss. I’m taking it day by day and trying to live in the moment as much as possible. It’s all I can do.

 

I generally think stable friends in good relationships give pretty good advice. If not about relationships, definitely about you They know you better than a bunch of strangers on the internet. Sometimes though friends advice about relationships in general can be too swayed to their experience or kinda a prejudice or negative bias they have about you or why your previous relationships were not successful. Like if they are secretly thinking you always mess up relationships because you are too picky or too anxious (which I don't think btw). And sometimes they can clearly see what guy is going to be great for you. So if a chorus of friends are saying the same thing separately, there's probably some truth to it.

 

The responses here seem to indicate the former because if you haven't noticed a lot of people here tend to jump to the negative--sorry to those that don't or say negative when it's appropriate!! It's risky thing posting a concern here because it can almost create more self-doubt. Hopefully you have the good sense to cherry pick pertinent and helpful information, not just the stuff that backs up the answer you'd LIKE to hear but effective stuff. But it can totally be hard: most people come here because they are in a romantic crisis or are unsure already and who wouldn't be emotional about what's going on in their dating life and then get even more confused and down by the responses.

 

Like I said before, I'd honestly have to go back and re-read and update myself on what he's been doing to you or whatever lately. I'm not caught up. But I thought it was good before and maybe partly if it changed was a vicious cycle of you changing a bit, and him retaliating and so on. All of my friends that are married WERE a little more on pins and needles and just invested in the one that became the ONE. I think when you "know", especially if the guy is not moving it along, it's kinda torturous!!

 

Backing off is good as both sides can agree. And then be responsive and happy when you talk to him. Just a note about pouring your heart out to your girlfriends, I think it's good to pick one or two trusted and truly helpful ones who also don't gossip about it and make your dating "stuff" the subject of conversation or gossip. You want something to fuel your anxiety? Well tell all your girlfriends, have their bf's and husbands chime in and then if it fails (this one or other ones) you feel like a loser, which will just make the next one harder. It feels good in the moment to tell all your gf's and poll everyone and get their advice but sometimes it really doesn't help in long run with your self-perception, etc. If that applies to your situation, just pick one or two.

 

Haven't you ever noticed that the most perfect seeming girlfriends with great relationships don't talk much if at all about the bad stuff with their guy or in their lives. In a way that doesn't give that stuff "life"; doesn't perpetuate it. If part of your "story" is becoming--she's always blowing it with guys because she's so anxious--guess what will get perpetuated in your head and in your friends perception of you if you talk about it too much--those fears, that anxiety. You're really just letting it out; it's not who you are but it does kinda become a perception (internally and externally) which you then have to battle and fight being "the truth". So careful who you tell all this stuff to. It can take on a life of it's own. You're doing the right thing. Time will tell. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

That's natural, of course.

 

Though, I'm more curious about how YOU feel about HIM, not how he feels about you. A lot of what I've emphasized, or what Katie and other posters have emphasized, is that the focus be taken off this guy and how he may or may not feel about you, and onto how you feel about him and how he's treating you.

 

Does that difference make sense?

 

I'm more interested to know how his behavior makes you feel about him—and not like, "oh, he may still be interested so I'm still interested," but rather, "I don't want to be with someone who is so distant."

 

Maybe you're totally fine with how he's being. I don't know, you haven't outrightly expressed that.

 

Or, does the fact that your friends tell you that you have unrealistic expectations make it feel like this is behavior you have to put up with? That you have to live with a relationship that makes you feel anxious or uncertain? Do you know at what point in their relationships they managed to get over their anxiety or what they did to help it along?

 

By the way, I'm not asking you these things because I think there's a right or wrong answer. I just don't think I've heard your answers to these questions, and they're quite important.

 

I don't know. Obviously your friends know you better and are there with you, but to me it just sounds like you are putting up with a lot of uncertainty and stress when you don't have to be.

 

I totally agree with this "shifting" in thinking because importantly it alleviates anxiety!!! Part of the reason people feel anxious is because they perceive they have little control and are waiting for someone to pick them. Put yourself into the mindset of the chooser, evaluating him, putting yourself first and it should calm you down over time as you get used to it and it becomes your common way of thinking. If you think like this, YOU are making the choices too in the relationship, not just waiting. It gives you power and control, not to mention strength and draws people to you. It should help with your anxiety. Speak to your therapist about it and i'm sure he/she can explain why but it's a fact.