Newly 2nd Married couple, issues

[toma1]

O.K. we met and totally fell in love, she was a dream, beautiful, a great fit with my personality, we had such a connection. When we did meet she was always very un-trusting, as she didn’t believe any guy could be good, and that I would change. I was persistent and proved that who she met on day one was who she had in month 2 and 3 and so on. We dated and got married in 8 months. We both knew that we wanted to be with each other. I moved in with her and her two daughters who, and we all get along amazingly.

 

This issue popped up because before I met her I had been facebook messaging and getting my coffee from a younger girl at the local dunkin donuts shop. We became acquaintances, and NEVER hung out other the seeing her in the gym on occasion and the dunkin donuts. A second girl I had messaged was pretty much the same story, but I never saw her out of her place of work and in fact hadn’t seen her in years. Ages were I think 26 and maybe 28 and I was 40.

 

To add to this one girl (the one I only messaged) I somehow ended up “following her” on Facebook years before. When I was still married so at that time my wife thought there was something going on between us, but there wasn’t. If she would have just kept the same faith.

 

(I admit just talking to them is wrong, especially when married)

 

Fast forward through separation and divorce from a 4 time serial cheater, a great engagement and a great marriage with a new wonderful woman and these two girls from my past pop up in my new wives mind causing some severe anxiety and trust issues.

 

My wife is bigger (her words, she gorgeous) than these two girls (but carrys it amazing), these girls have what she says “perfect” bodies. So she does not understand how I was interested in one of them right before her and I met but now find her to be sexy and beautiful. She has used the words that I am settling, said that there ages bother her and that because I followed on of the on FB that she has a trust issue.

 

I have done absolutely nothing for her to even question my loyalty in the last year (when we met), and in fact she has even said that, and she said she cannot match what I show her in affection and attentiveness. My new motto when I met her was to remember all the little things.

 

But now there is this awkward air hanging over us, The words “Your Settling” is a killer for me because I know deep down in my heart that I would never. I feel like everything I do right now, is being portrayed as a game move. So I second guess everything and everything she does.

 

This just started like a week ago, we have been amazing. I mean sure I have some issues with guys of her past and she is on constant contact every day with her ex husband because of the kids (but sometimes its more than just kid stuff and there is joking) but I let it all go. Because I know in the end where we are.

 

How do I address the “how could you look at someone like that but find me sexy and beautiful” statement and how do I address the “settling” statement. I feel whatever I say is just water under the bridge.

Edited October 8, 2015 by toma1

[MightyPen]

O.K. we met and totally fell in love, she was a dream, beautiful, a great fit with my personality, we had such a connection. When we did meet she was always very un-trusting, as she didn’t believe any guy could be good, and that I would change. I was persistent and proved that who she met on day one was who she had in month 2 and 3 and so on. We dated and got married in 8 months. We both knew that we wanted to be with each other. I moved in with her and her two daughters who, and we all get along amazingly.

 

This issue popped up because before I met her I had been facebook messaging and getting my coffee from a younger girl at the local dunkin donuts shop. We became acquaintances, and NEVER hung out other the seeing her in the gym on occasion and the dunkin donuts. A second girl I had messaged was pretty much the same story, but I never saw her out of her place of work and in fact hadn’t seen her in years. Ages were I think 26 and maybe 28 and I was 40.

 

To add to this one girl (the one I only messaged) I somehow ended up “following her” on Facebook years before. When I was still married so at that time my wife thought there was something going on between us, but there wasn’t. If she would have just kept the same faith.

 

(I admit just talking to them is wrong, especially when married)

 

Fast forward through separation and divorce from a 4 time serial cheater, a great engagement and a great marriage with a new wonderful woman and these two girls from my past pop up in my new wives mind causing some severe anxiety and trust issues.

 

My wife is bigger (her words, she gorgeous) than these two girls (but carrys it amazing), these girls have what she says “perfect” bodies. So she does not understand how I was interested in one of them right before her and I met but now find her to be sexy and beautiful. She has used the words that I am settling, said that there ages bother her and that when that because I followed on of the on FB that she has a trust issue.

 

I have done absolutely nothing for her to even question my loyalty in the last year (when we met), and in fact she has even said that, and she said she cannot match what I show her in affection and attentiveness. My new motto when I met her was to remember all the little things.

 

But now there is this awkward air hanging over us, The words “Your Settling” is a killer for me because I know deep down in my heart that I would never. I feel like everything I do right now, is being portrayed as a game move. So I second guess everything and everything she does.

 

This just started like a week ago, we have been amazing. I mean sure I have some issues with guys of her past and she is on constant contact every day with her ex husband because of the kids (but sometimes its more than just kid stuff and there is joking) but I let it all go. Because I know in the end where we are.

 

How do I address the “how could you look at someone like that but find me sexy and beautiful” statement and how do I address the “settling” statement. I feel whatever I say is just water under the bridge.

 

 

She sounds very insecure. Did you sense any insecurity from her before the "FB girls" issue sprang up?

 

I'd just keep showing her the attention you're currently giving her. We're all entitled to be attracted to all sorts of different types of people in our lifetimes. 99.8% of men aren't married to supermodels but does that mean we aren't attracted to super models? We'd be lying if we said no to that. It doesn't mean we can't find "non-model" women to be sexy or attractive.

 

Hell, break this down and explain it to her if she responds to logic and reason.

[OnlyBelieve]

Keep supporting her with your affection and comforting words. Let her know it was everything about her that attracted you to her. Her heart, personality & beauty, there's no one out there that can replace her.

 

I would let her know that you chose her for your wife because of how much you love her and you don't want to live without her. You didn't settle. Maybe telling her when she says "settle" it hurts you that she thinks little of herself. Keep boosting her up.

 

It's going to work out.

 

Blessings,

[toma1]

She is super hard on herself, she has gained about 20 pounds sense we met. So its hitting her hard, she's tried to lose weight but its a little harder these days.

[pondhawk]

It sounds like she was burned in the past. I was and those were the exact same thoughts/statements I had in my new marriage.

 

Time is the only healer. Your relationship is relatively new. She doesn't know what to expect because there isn't history yet. The longer she is with you and the longer she sees how true you are, the more comfortable she will feel. She will not be so edgy around the topic, with every passing day that you show you're a man of your word.

 

As far as:

“how could you look at someone like that but find me sexy and beautiful”

 

Try this: Your personality and physical appearance is way more attractive than some younger person who does not have the right personality. They can be gorgeous, but if their personality is ugly it cancels out their shallow good looks. I need substance, not a shallow. You have everything I want and need.

 

As far as “settling”...

 

Try: The thought of "settling" came from your mind not mine. That is your thought not mine. I did not settle and I never will.

 

I hope this helps!!

Edited October 8, 2015 by pondhawk

[OldRover]

Yes, perhaps she was burnt in the past, maybe more than once, and has developed a "non trust" for all men. That can be changed over time, but you may want to get some counseling and find out her reasons. Could be some personality issues that could be more serious.

 

Not easy to solve, but worth it. Keep us posted.

[OnlyBelieve]

You may have to help her in her weight loss but don't call it "let's lose weight". That sometimes adds on stress if it was not successful before.

 

Go out for daily walks with her just to chat. Go grocery shopping with a list of things that can change to healthier eating. For breakfast, both of you have spinach omelets or oatmeal with walnuts and raisins. Pack lunches if you work outside of the home and share how it taste. Have tuna on top of a salad, etc. Do it as team work and she will begin to see results and feel motivated.

 

I would tell her that for the rest of this year you want to begin eating healthier.

Go out on dates, set which day every week that you two go out. At least once a month, plan a date at a romantic place, tell her the dress attire (get dressed up) and when she does, just tell her she looks beautiful.

 

She needs your support. One step at a time. Whatever you decide, keep it consistent.

 

It's all going to work out. You seem to be a very good person.

Don't give up during the challenging and difficult times. It will come just keep your hope and faith that it's going to get better.

[toma1]

Well, it has been a long few days, but it seems we are some what past it. Def. still on her mind, but I think its more of just the fear. She realizes that she is being a bit over anxious about it, and that she is so afraid of losing the love and connection that she has waited her whole life for.

 

Yes she has def. been burned in the past, and is a product of a 12 year physical, verbal and mental abusive marriage. She has already changed so much in the last year and is far more responsive to affection as she has come to trust me. She still has her moments, but it is to be expected.

 

This though took me by surprise as I just do not ever give her a reason to think otherwise as I am the product of a 3peat cheating ex-spouse, and I know the devastation it causes in one's mind.

 

I have reassured her in multiple ways that she is the one, and although I do believe she believes that she is still afraid I am not who I say I am.

[toma1]

You may have to help her in her weight loss but don't call it "let's lose weight". That sometimes adds on stress if it was not successful before.

 

Go out for daily walks with her just to chat. Go grocery shopping with a list of things that can change to healthier eating. For breakfast, both of you have spinach omelets or oatmeal with walnuts and raisins. Pack lunches if you work outside of the home and share how it taste. Have tuna on top of a salad, etc. Do it as team work and she will begin to see results and feel motivated.

 

I would tell her that for the rest of this year you want to begin eating healthier.

Go out on dates, set which day every week that you two go out. At least once a month, plan a date at a romantic place, tell her the dress attire (get dressed up) and when she does, just tell her she looks beautiful.

 

She needs your support. One step at a time. Whatever you decide, keep it consistent.

 

It's all going to work out. You seem to be a very good person.

Don't give up during the challenging and difficult times. It will come just keep your hope and faith that it's going to get better.

 

Well therein lies the problem, she is not an unhealthier eater, by any stretch. We do try to do as much exercising as possible, walks hikes etc. She does run a daycare out of our home and on a normal basis and has 4-6 kids a day plus her two (15 & 11). So at the end of the day she is spent. I am overly supportive of the weight situation, and I have done pretty much what you have described, viewing my role as a partner in the weight loss plan.

 

As for going on dates, we certainly do, her daughters go with their dad two nights a week, so we def. have our nights.

 

As I told her today there hasn't been one thing that I have seen her in that I have not had my breath taking away. One of my favorite outfits includes just a simple long sleeve GAP t-shirt and her leggings. I'm constantly telling her she is beautiful (I know this isn't always the best either) but sometimes I just can't help it!

 

As for standing by it, for sure, neither one of us takes marriage lightly, this is just a bump that I needed some advice on, as she seemed to be so stuck on the fact that there was no way a person could be attracted to two different body styles. I can truly say I have never been more attracted to someone in my life, and I know that it runs far deeper than physical, but that is where she is stuck right now.

[perol]

She is super hard on herself, she has gained about 20 pounds sense we met. So its hitting her hard, she's tried to lose weight but its a little harder these days.

 

Why has she gained 20 lbs since you met and why is it so much harder to lose it now?

 

You've been together a relatively short time.

 

Marrying someone after knowing them such a short time is a huge mistake because you really don't know them all that well no matter how much you think you do.

[toma1]

Why has she gained 20 lbs since you met and why is it so much harder to lose it now?

 

You've been together a relatively short time.

 

Marrying someone after knowing them such a short time is a huge mistake because you really don't know them all that well no matter how much you think you do.

 

Well, I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion. Yes it was a short period, but there is something to be said about “when you know it’s right”. We certainly could have dated another year or two or three, but the end result would have been the same. Marriage.

 

To be honest, I was married for a long time to my ex, and all these years later I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did. We learn new things about people every day, jeez after knowing my sister for all of our lives I have found out things about her I have never known. As I said neither one of us, takes marriage lightly, nor did we take divorce lightly.

 

Enough on that, as for her gaining the 20lbs, as I said we do tend to go out, when her girls aren’t with us, and we do drink. So she has been drinking more in the past year than she had been. She believes that this is the problem. She has always had to work at her weight, and she is almost 40, and weight does tend to get a little harder to lose as we get older. The weight does not bother me at all, she is tall and carries it amazingly, but I know it bothers her.

[d0nnivain]

Be patient with her. Tell her she's beautiful randomly during the day.

 

 

Make a point to go for a walk after dinner. Plan active family activities for the weekends. Make sure you are doing stuff which should help with her weight. Don't mention that though.

 

 

When she asks how could you like / look at them but still fall in love with her, get her to agree that she likes two very different foods, say ice cream & spicy tacos. It's the same thing. Both are delicious but in a different way. Then remind her you married her. You love her & they are nothing.

 

 

Meanwhile unfriend these chicks on FB. If your wife is upset figure out what is more important to you, your wife or the chick you used to get your coffee from? It's not about power. It's not about control. It's about making a small sacrifice for the woman you love. If she was asking you to unfriend your BFF of 20+ years I would give different advice but these girls are at best casual acquaintances.

[toma1]

Be patient with her. Tell her she's beautiful randomly during the day.

 

 

Make a point to go for a walk after dinner. Plan active family activities for the weekends. Make sure you are doing stuff which should help with her weight. Don't mention that though.

 

 

When she asks how could you like / look at them but still fall in love with her, get her to agree that she likes two very different foods, say ice cream & spicy tacos. It's the same thing. Both are delicious but in a different way. Then remind her you married her. You love her & they are nothing.

 

 

Meanwhile unfriend these chicks on FB. If your wife is upset figure out what is more important to you, your wife or the chick you used to get your coffee from? It's not about power. It's not about control. It's about making a small sacrifice for the woman you love. If she was asking you to unfriend your BFF of 20+ years I would give different advice but these girls are at best casual acquaintances.

 

Oh goodness, they were unfriended a long time ago lol! She totally comes first!

[qubist]

Toma1: you seem to be a good man, please understand that insecurity is affecting her judgement. You have to continue supporting her. You are investing in a letter lover, a good marriage and an amazing relationship. Just keep up the effort and help her fight her insecurities once you do that you will get you payback on your investment

[OnlyBelieve]

It's all going to work out! Keep doing what you are doing. I hope all the responses were very helpful to you. Sometimes you just need a reminder that you are doing a great job in your role as a supportive husband.

This too shall pass. God bless!!