What do you say if someone asked if you cheated before?

[RedRobin]

Thank you for the replies. I just hope to get a second chance in a relationship, if not with this guy (he's not my bf yet) then with someone else; be a better gf, what I couldn't be to my ex bf.

 

As for now, things seem ok and he still wants to see me.

 

See, there is the problem. You don't even know the guy and you are acting like you are less than him. See how that works?

 

Do you really think it is possible to be in a healthy relationship with anyone while you feel that way, or put yourself across that way? I don't, and I reject any guy who tries to weasel me into a position of 'less than', no matter what it is about.

 

i don't do that to other people and I don't want it tried with me, even if whatever I answer passes muster. They come across as intrusive and not trustworthy themselves. Don't you think?

[TunaCat]

Just curious how old are you?

 

Late 20's.

[todreaminblue]

i dont find that question offensive or invasive.....deb

[autumnnight]

Lie by commission is to say something that is false.

 

 

Lie by omission is to lie by leaving out the truth.

 

 

By refusing to answer his questioned you have lied again.

 

They've had 3 dates. She owes him nothing yet.

 

The cookie cutter doesn't fit this cookie

[autumnnight]

i dont find that question offensive or invasive.....deb

 

I don't find the question offensive either.

 

I do wonder about the timing of these things.

 

Modern daters seem to think that they should roll out the "life history" questionnaire on the first date to rule out every possible dealbreaker under the sun....that is, after they've drawn out the emailing and messaging for as long as possible....so that they will never have to go on a second date with anyone who might not be "the one."

 

Instant gratification, instant success, no bumps in the road, no effort in the relationship, no baggage, no imperfections......

 

Not realistic.

[understand50]

I think the question should wait until you are talking Marriage or LTA. Yes, I would want to know if a woman I was going to marry, or I was committing to, had cheated in the past, but depending on how they were living their life and the circumstance, it would not be a deal breaker.

 

I think a long conversation on both sides is needed before you commit. I could and would, look past issue in the her past, if I believe she would not let cheating happen in the future. Also a good understanding of what the consequences would be if it happened in the "our" marriage on both side would be understood.

 

BTW, from their posts and writing only, if I met several WS I "know" from Love Shack, I would consider them as partners, if life put us together in that manner. Growing from past mistakes, and living a moral life going forward, would count for much. Luckily, I am married and committed, so do not have to look, past thinking about this question as a thought experiment.

 

Just my two cents.

[salparadise]

I think the question should wait until you are talking Marriage.

 

 

I usually ask sooner... right after the questions about midgets and circus performers.

[neowulf]

*shrug*

 

Honestly? I answer the question.

 

There's no point hiding the things that made you who and what you are.

If you cheated in the past, own it. Admit to it and what you took from the experience.

 

Show that you've grown since then.

 

Or, hide it and hope that it never comes out. Of course lying to someone in the early days isn't exactly a great bedrock for a successful relationship

[madjac74]

 

Some people have the fortitude and principle to never cheat.

 

People have that until they cheat or they die. Until then you can't say anyone "has the fortitude or principal to NEVER cheat"

 

Those who cheat probably figure they will NEVER get caught either

[autumnnight]

People have that until they cheat or they die. Until then you can't say anyone "has the fortitude or principal to NEVER cheat"

 

Those who cheat probably figure they will NEVER get caught either

 

Exactly. I'd rather dated someone who has cheated and changed than someone who is arrogant and condescending and morally superior.

[Frank2thepoint]

I know quite a few people who knew they would never cheat because of how good they were......until they did.

 

"Pride goes before the fall" is a well known saying for a reason.

 

People have that until they cheat or they die. Until then you can't say anyone "has the fortitude or principal to NEVER cheat"

 

Those who cheat probably figure they will NEVER get caught either

 

There is no pride involved. It's a personal code, like being a pacifist. It's not complicated. Nor is it something to view with suspicion like you two are inferring. There are people that end a relationship rather than cheat.

[sandylee1]

Not answering the question would tell me all I needed to know if I were him. If you hadn't cheated ' no would be the obvious answer.

[SocialButterfly]

You all have interesting perspective and well I'm not done reading all the posts; still reading some. I'll keep in mind what RedRobin said. I think there is a point, I have to move on and not beat myself with my past mistake. There is nothing I can do about it but learn from it. After all I did undergo a couple of counseling sessions in the past, years ago. At the time I was trying to understand how I would do something like that.

I would answer that question with absolute honesty. There are certain things a person has a right to know about another if they are to consider them for a relationship. I have cheated before, I used to be a bit of a douche back in my early 20's. Since then, I grew up a little, and I have been faithful to every other woman I have been with in the past decade or so. Still, if someone were to next me because I have cheated on women before, they have the right to make that decision.

I've grown up too since then. If the question is asked again at some point, then yes I won't avoid it again.

understand50, yes I'm still looking for to a LTR that leads to one day settling down. I do want kids in the future. Not now as I'm seeking my Master's at the moment.

 

So far the date was ok, we're taking things at our own pace. He got out of a rocky relationship early this year.

[SocialButterfly]

Not answering the question would tell me all I needed to know if I were him. If you hadn't cheated ' no would be the obvious answer.

I know but I just wasn't ready to answer that question. I was trying to move on from my past mistake. I'll answer it honestly if it were asked again.

[SocialButterfly]

Those who cheat probably figure they will NEVER get caught either

Yes, that was my then 19 year-old self. I did get caught though but that's not the reason I was regretful back then; my then bf thought I was just sorry I got caught though.

 

Afterwards, I did spend a while not dating anyone and basically trying to run away from this past.

[carhill]

What do you say if someone asked if you cheated before?

 

"What do you mean by that? Each person defines cheating in a relationship differently so I'd like to know your definition."

 

Then I'd listen. I'd see the question as an excellent opportunity to discuss relationship boundaries.