In desperate need for wisdoms of people who moved on from infidelity

[allofyou]

I had an affair, got caught, and now am given a second chance.

 

We are both very young (23). Without going into too much detail of the infidelity, I cheated on him 6 months ago. The affair lasted three weeks. Two weeks after D day, he returned. His anger did not last long. It took me a long long time to realise how much he really loves me.

 

No one is responsible for my infidelity apart from myself. I was extremely unhappy about my relationship. I had long-lasting depression from my previous breakup, work, and family for 3 years. In hindsight, I should've handled it in a totally different way rather than sneaking off to another man just to feel desirable.

 

I was remorseful for 6 months. I felt ashamed. Felt [] and believed I deserve no one. After the D day, he was heart broken and really needed support so he told two of his best friends and his parents. I believed there is no way I could still face his friends and parents and get along with them even if this relationship did work out in the end.

 

It was very difficult for me in the past 6 months. It wasn;t because I lost him. It was because I felt disgusted by myself on top of on-going depression. He insisted to stay and work on our relationship. He believes after this our relationship would be so much stronger. In the past 6 months he barely mentioned how he was still shocked by D day. He told me everyday i am his best friend and he loves me more than anything in the world, whenever I wanted to give up because I could not handle the emotional trauma of having betrayed him. And he still tells me everyday how he enjoys sex with me with passion.

 

3 weeks ago, I had a mental breakdown. I was convinced that he didn't want to work on our relationship anymore and that he is just staying because he got used to me. And i also truly believe he deserves better. I went NC for 3 weeks. Then he called me crying and asking to see me. He had a major breakdown and told me how hard life is without me. He also finally opened up that he still feels haunted by D day everyday. I felt so stupid for focusing on my guilt and depression rather than his sorrow.

 

I genuinely don't know where to go from here. I have read some articles online but I am still pretty clueless. And we can't afford counseling.

 

I guess a lot of people would ask us to move on as we are still young. At this point, we still want to be together and want to work on things. If things don;t work out in the end, we can say at least we tried.

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ladydesigner]

(((allofyou))) you certainly sound remorseful and that is a very good thing for reconciliation. It sounds like you both communicate and are a support to each other. If your relationship is important to both of you, then you will continue to heal each other and learn from this.

 

There are a couple of books out there that might be of interest:

 

"Not Just Friends" By Shirley Glass

 

"How to Heal Your Spouse After Your Affair" by linda MacDonald

[autumnnight]

Ladydesigner has given you some very supportive, compassionate, and valuable words. Those two books, along with Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley will be great resources.

 

You know your husband, and your husband knows you. If you both want to work toward reconciling, go to it with all your heart.

[road]

Google for a books about surviving an affair.

[Mr Blunt]

Find out how you can forgive yourself and then build yourself up so that you later can help him more.

 

 

You both are weak and need all the help that you can get. Diligently seek good help then be relentless in you acting on all the steps to forgiving yourself and building yourself back up.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

One of the very first questions BSs want answered is "Why?". You haven't told us Why you cheated.

 

Also, "How" you got caught can play a huge role in the reconciliation process (or divorce).

 

I assume that you two are married, but the "my previous breakup" comment makes me wonder if that is the case. I can't imagine someone who is married still depressed about a previous breakup?

[NotCamelot]

First: it takes a LONG, LONG time to recover from this. 6 months is just barely past the shocking reveal.

 

 

Second: take it from a BS, as bad as you tell us you feel, he feels many times worse than you do. His hurt is much deeper than you can imagine. Though it may not show, he is hurting 24/7. You gave the things he treasured most to someone else (you, your love, your body, your soul). There really is nothing worse that you could have done to him. Remember that.

 

 

Third: to reconcile, you need to show him, everyday and everyway, that he is what you want and what you desire. You have already shown him that you preferred another man, at least for a period of time. That is a HUGE blow to a man.

 

 

Fourth: Make new memories to give you both something to hold on to and they will begin to be stronger than the bad memories of the past.

 

 

Five: if you are have mental breakdowns, get professional help immediately. A professional counselor is needed by many, and gives you a neutral outlet to work through the many problems that the A causes for both sides.

 

 

Don't expect this to heal quickly. I remember being told here that it takes 3 - 5 years. I can tell you from experience that it is true. You have to be in it for the long haul. You need to make a choice.

 

 

Your words make it sound like your husband (?) really is in love with you. Love can fix a lot. It really can. Showing remorse will go a long way toward healing for both of you. He must know that you are truly sorry.

 

 

Don't expect him to ever forget this, nor will you. You can move past it and create a great life together, but it will take work. And the work should be on you. You are the one to carry the load to make the relationship work - at least for now. You broke it, you have to be responsible for what you did. When he sees that and feels that, you will see things moving forward.

 

 

Read the "sticky" at the top of this forum. There is a lot of info there that will help.

 

 

And, you are in a good place here. There are people here that understand, from both sides - betrayed and betrayer. A lot of the advice is good, some not. Use what works for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

No one is responsible for my infidelity apart from myself. I was extremely unhappy about my relationship. I had long-lasting depression from my previous breakup, work, and family for 3 years. In hindsight, I should've handled it in a totally different way rather than sneaking off to another man just to feel desirable.

 

Recovering from infidelity is very difficult even for those in "good" relationships.

 

Your BF (you don't mention marriage) has been hurt and you should own that. But if you were "extremely unhappy" before you cheated, what has changed that makes your relationship worth saving?

 

You risk hurting him again on top of what's already happened if your only motivation is guilt over what's occurred. To make it work long-term, you both have to really want to be there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[harrybrown]

If you can't tell him that you will never cheat on him again, file for D if you are married. Or break up with him if you are not married.

 

It is horrible to go thru the pain of one long betrayal and get hit with another one.

 

Do get tested for stds. write him a timeline of your A. hold nothing back.

 

If you did things with the OM that you never did with him, tell him.

 

Honesty is extremely important. If he keeps finding out new things about your A, it takes him back to the pain in the beginning.

 

You have been given a wonderful gift to R. Do not throw this gift away, if you care at all for him.

[allofyou]

One of the very first questions BSs want answered is "Why?". You haven't told us Why you cheated.

 

Also, "How" you got caught can play a huge role in the reconciliation process (or divorce).

 

I assume that you two are married, but the "my previous breakup" comment makes me wonder if that is the case. I can't imagine someone who is married still depressed about a previous breakup?

 

 

No we are not married. We talked about it in a serious manner before.

 

As I mentioned, I have been dealing with depression for 3 years. I have been refusing to see a counselor as I dont want to trust a stranger who doesn't know my life. I might have to now.

 

He, on the other hand, has always been trouble-free. He hasn't even visited a doctor for as long as he can remember. It really was difficult to fall in love with someone who cannot understand what you are going through. I have raised the issue of him not understanding my depression and how difficult my life has been. I love him and know he loves me. But i don't feel loved. I have never given up on life but i struggled a lot.

 

There was one time i had a mental breakdown out of a blue. I locked myself in his room and felt so scared and helpless. I ripped all our pics and just kept crying.

 

As disgusting as it may sound, all i thought about was my bf when i had intercourse with the other man. I did not love him but he understood me. He is a gentle soul and I felt so bad for hurting him too.

 

I did tell my bf about the big 'Why'. But he somehow thinks that the whole thing is all his fault. In order to correct this, I decided not to talk about the 'why' anymore. I just don;t want people to think I am making excuses for my own mistakes.

 

I don't understand my infidelity. I think people are right about 'if you can't love yourself, you can't learn how to love people'.

 

I find it really difficult to fix him whereas i can't fix myself. I know it may be wise to fix myself before reconciling with him. But he is going through probably the most difficult time of his life. i dont want to leave him alone.

[allofyou]

But if you were "extremely unhappy" before you cheated, what has changed that makes your relationship worth saving?

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I think this is the question people asked the most. I was unhappy but I had good memories too. i knew I wasn't happy due to my depression and him not understanding my problems (you can refer to my response above).

 

I was suicidal for a few times during our relationship (not because of him) but i felt safe with him. When i dont think about my problems and why he can't relate to my problems and just enjoy my time with him, it was the happiest time of my life.

 

As I am typing this, i feel like I dont understand my own world. Everything seems so complicated.

[allofyou]

Don't expect him to ever forget this, nor will you. You can move past it and create a great life together, but it will take work. And the work should be on you. You are the one to carry the load to make the relationship work - at least for now. You broke it, you have to be responsible for what you did. When he sees that and feels that, you will see things moving forward.

.

 

 

I don't know how to work on it. He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever but sometimes his actions say he wants to give up

[allofyou]

He, on the other hand, has always been trouble-free. He hasn't even visited a doctor for as long as he can remember. It really was difficult to fall in love with someone who cannot understand what you are going through. I have raised the issue of him not understanding my depression and how difficult my life has been. I love him and know he loves me. But i don't feel loved. I have never given up on life but i struggled a lot.

 

 

I meant to say ''it really was difficult to have a relationship with someone who ...''

[66Charger]

Allofyou, would it be difficult for you to have a relationship with your BF if you found out he had a serious illness, say a treatable cancer? By your words , because you could not " identify" with his illness, thats a problem. Why is that? Isnt that a bit unfair to put on him or anybody? That he is willing to stand by you, even though he doesnt completely understand your illness should be counted as a huge blessing, not a detriment.

 

If you continue to push him away, soon, he will be gone and you depression will deepen.

 

You need to think about what your "love" for your BF really means. If you cannot love right now, then let him go.

Edited October 9, 2015 by 66Charger

[drifter777]

No kids, not married - save yourself and your BF more pain and drama and go your separate ways.

[Lion Heart]

Hi allofyou

 

I think you're amazing to be honest. To be 23 and even though you had an affair (which is selfish, devastating and lacks empathy) you appear to have maturity about the situation. I imagine it must be incredibly overwhelming dealing with SO much ie depression, other issues and now the fallout from your affair. I understand you don't have money for IC atm. I'm glad you're here, asking incredible questions. Yes I agree with a previous poster, you'll get very wise advice and some others too but just take what you can and keep posting.

 

LS is an incredible resource and above all else could contribute to yours and your bfs healing. Many places here have links and the more you read, the more you may understand.

 

There is What a Wayward Spouse Needs to do .... I know you're not married but you're attached to your bf, it could help give you guidelines.

 

Honesty and complete transparency is tantamount at this time (and always). Hopefully you've already been 100% honest?

 

I'll echo what others have. You are not married. You felt and feel as though this bf doesn't understand you because of your depression. Depression is a VERY difficult thing to understand even for those experiencing it! You were extremely unhappy and maybe you're seeing your relationship in a very different light now? IDK. People who cheat often justify their infidelity by exaggerating the "bad" ness in their relationship and resulting actions are a consequence. In reality if it WAS that bad the relationship should have ended.

 

It's this you need to think long and hard about. Do YOU see yourself with this bf for the long term? Not what HE wants but what YOU want. You are not doing him ANY favours at all if you can't actually see a real future in your eyes. It would be best for him to let him go. If you still feel unfulfilled and unloved then this guy isn't for you. No matter how great you think he is in all other ways.

 

I think you need time alone. You are now in a messy situation that is difficult for people twice your age to overcome. You cite depression as a result of a PREVIOUS relationship? The time to heal and recover was before beginning another one if at all possible. Recovery is important. Do everything you can for your own recovery because you can't be good for anyone else and you're ripping yourself off by travelling through life this way at such a young age. There are many websites for support on depression. Maybe your GP can support you? Alot of people who recover well from depression do so with a combination of meds and therapy. Then wean off slowly from the meds as they feel better. Just be careful. Writing in a Diary about how you're feeling and what makes you feel better may really help you.

 

Good luck. You appear to have a clever mind and I'm sure you'll make good decisions over time. Please learn from this experience of infidelity and resultant heart break. You may never want to do it again if you delve deep enough into bfs despair.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[allofyou]

Thank you Lion Heart.

I really don;t have anywhere else to turn to.

The reason why I can't afford counseling is I am paying for medication and consultation fees for my other physical health problems.

 

I learned to think more calmly recently which helped prevent me from having mental breakdowns.

I am putting a lot of pressure on myself I am not sure if it's because of preexisting mental issues. I always feel stressed about our reconciliaton. I know he is willing to work it out but i always have many big 'what ifs' such as what if he revenage-cheats on me, what if after months and years of effort he decides to think it's time to call it a day, what if the reconciliation is not working etc.

 

Recently we don't talk as much as we used to. I am not sure if it's because we are both busy or we are both unsure about this relationship. i am trying to calm myself down and not push him too hard

[Spectre]

I think you should just break up. If the guy meant that much to you then you would not of cheated on him. I always take issue with people who say these affairs will make their relationships "stronger". Just..ugh. Yeah, and taking steroids can make a person stronger as well, but it doesn't mean it is frickin healthy.