DanOz123 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My wife and I (both 38 years old) have been married for 8 years now and we have 3 amazing kids (all under the age of 8). We really could not ask for more. Like any couple, we have gone through our ups and downs throughout our marriage. We made a point to see a counselor through our ups and downs just so that we have someone to talk to (like a 3rd party). In terms of children, our original plan was to have back-to-back kids which I must admit was tough at first but we managed to work things out over the years. About 4 years ago, my wife shared with me her dream of having a 3rd child. It took me a long time to come around and agree to this. We talked, argued, went to see a counselor. After some soul searching, I decided to compromise and decided to say yes to baby number 3. Part of the agreement was to stop after our 3rd and for me to get a vasectomy. Naturally she was ecstatic and promised me the world! Once our 3rd was about 6 months old, with the consent of the wife and as agreed, I went ahead to get the vasectomy. Fast forward to 3 years later, we have an amazing family and no regrets about having a 3rd. She is an amazing little girl. Recently my wife shared with me her dream / desire to have a 4th. She asked me if I could make the ultimate sacrifice to reverse the vasectomy, try for a baby and get a vasectomy again. I have been going back and forth for over a month now with my wife about this. Clearly we have different views on this matter and I frankly feel trapped. Unless I say yes (she refers to as having an open mind and trying), there is no way out of this difference. She continues to tell me this is her dream and I am the roadblock to that. She is disappointed in me that I am not even trying. Personally, I feel that I compromised with having a third child and now she is moving the goal post on me. Everything she is promising and telling me now is a recurring pattern from the time we were discussing about having our 3rd child. She is asking me to make the ultimate sacrifice, again she said the same thing the last time around. How do I know this will not stop after the 4th? She keeps making me all these promises which I have heard before. I went from the guy that made the ultimate sacrifice with having our 3rd (top of the mountain) to the negative/no-can-do person blocking her dream and that I do not love her enough to pursue this dream (I am at the bottom of the mountain all of sudden... How can this be???). I am feeling very frustrated with the situation. All I want is my wife, back on the path we were on and enjoy the family/life we have now. Also to continue to work on our marriage and deal with all the ups/down coming our way raising our amazing three children. Up to this point, I have listened to her, we exchanged views many times and we even went to see the doctor to inquire about the reversal of the vasectomy. The bottom line is, I do not want another child, which I have made clear to my wife. I would like her to honor her word/promise to stop after our 3rd child and I feel that it is her turn to compromise and make the sacrifice just like I had to dig deep to come around to change my mind 4 years ago. I understand she is not feeling this way on purpose and I would like to support her 100% to overcome this together. At this point, we are both just hitting a brick wall and I am so lost, not knowing what to do. I am getting the silent treatment now and she is really upset with me. I just don’t understand why I am in this position? Doesn’t her word/promise from 4 years ago mean anything anymore? I have shared with my reasons for not wanting another child and reminded her about what we agreed on. She seems to think people are entitled to change their mind and I am fine with that. It just baffles me that she can be so casual about going back on her word and I’m all of a sudden the bad guy. At the same time, I think we need to address this void she feels. Clearly, if we were to have a 4th child, this desire of wanting another baby will not go away. Everything I’ve said to her makes logical sense to me but she just doesn’t seem to see my point of view. Or perhaps she is simply blinded by wanting another baby? Any advice or insight on this would be greatly appreciated. Dan Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You gave her the world with number three. I think it's highly unfair that she's asking this of you. You're right - who's to say there won't be a 5th, and 6th? It's an extremely delicate procedure to reverse a vasectomy. Why would she put you though that? It's your body, and it's expensive. I'm not even sure what the success rate is. Since you have a counselor on board, I think it's time for another visit. Your wife is being selfish. Best of luck. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Three was the compromise...now she is just taking advantage of your easy going nature. This is where you remind her of her promises and your compromise the last time and you end the discussion. This is manipulation tactics and frankly I find them to be unkind and unhealthy for your marriage. No waffling and no more discussions...this was settled long ago with child number three as your compromise. Vasectomies aren't something as simple to undo as people think and it is very selfish of her to ask you to keep having children though you compromised on the last one. I'm all about family, but when you start to feel manipulated and uncomfortable, it is time to stop. Just say no, compromise was already used up with child 3 and end this discussion/manipulation for good...firmly. Concentrate on the children you have, they grow up fast and cost and arm and leg for college. Good luck, Grumps Edited October 9, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanOz123 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you both for your input. Everything you say makes sense to me and most people I speak to. She just simply doesn't see that way and now I am being labeled as the "bad guy" that is not open minded, the one that does not try... I hope we can move forward and go back to the how things were. I think there is an underlying issue which needs to be addresses. Clearly these feeling are not going away and this is a recurring pattern from when we were talking about having a 3rd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 It sounds crazy, but some women become addicted to being pregnant and having kids - she sounds like one of them. I'll never understand that as my motto is 'one and done' and I simply couldn't fathom having 4 kids, but there are women like that out there. She won't stop at 4 either. I absolutely would NOT have another kid. That's A LOT of kids. I am SO not the poster that's always recommending therapy for everything but a hang nail, but in you case, I think maybe she needs it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 6 weeks after our second child was born my husband got a vasectomy. We were 27 and 24. There were many times over the years that i yearned for another baby....but in the end...was very glad he had gotten the vasectomy so we could not have another child. I do believe most women...not all certainly....but many especially those in child bearing years....who just want a tiny baby..one more time. But common sense does say sometimes enough is enough. I promise after baby number four gets bigger...she will still yearn for another...tiny baby. Especially if she is around other ladies who are still having tiny babies. You made the decision together to have the vasectomy. It is not fair to now change her mind.... It is also not an easy process to reverse....and there are no guarantees it will work. She should enjoy the beautiful babies she has...and wait to be a grandmother to enjoy her tiny babies again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Some women are idk if addicted is the right word, but they are addicted to having babies. Like the part where they carry them, and the first year. They have to get another baby growing in them to feed their (again maybe wrong word) addiction. My cousin's wife is like this. They have 4 kids already, and she did something pretty shady to now be pregnant with their 5th. They both don't make that much money. Were struggling with 4, but her addiction to having a baby trumped her good senses. You might talk to her about this? I have no advice on what to say though. Good luck man Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 That is a terrible situation. It is unacceptable for her to blame you and make you out to be the bad guy. Bottom line: it is your body and no one not even your wife gets to pressure you about such a fundamental choice. I would not remind her of her promise but simply tell her that you will not agree to reversing a vasectomy and are not onboard to have a fourth child. And I would draw a line at how many times you will have the discussion. Perhaps insist that future conversations have to be with a therapist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You might also remind her that your family cannot only be about "her" dreams. I mean, srsly??? That is a SERIOUS level of selfishness you are dealing with. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 She didn't want 3 children to begin with or 4 a couple of years ago, so why is this all of the sudden her dream? What will change in her life with having a 4th child? What is she missing in her life now? These are the really key questions you guys need to find out, because if she is this desperate to have a 4th child when she didn't want one before, you need to understand what that underlying reason is, because it's probably more important than this actual decision. Has being a "mommy" of a young child maybe become such a large part of her identity, that she doesn't know how to let that go, as her 3rd child grows up? Maybe if she loves being around children that much, a day home would be a good idea? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Of course she can try and re-write that part of the marital contract.. it is a desire of hers and she is making her feelings be known to you, but .... she needs to also abide by and accept your feelings on that negotiated portion of the marital contract. I would think being the bad guy would be the last thing on your mind since the vasectomy has already been performed hence you are the dealer of the cards.. stop feeling guilty, you already have 3 children. Enforcing a HEALTHY boundary that was agreed upon is also a HEALTHY thing to do... I do agree that maybe some counseling might help her figure out that having 3 kids is a blessing and having 4 kids isn't the right thing to do for the marriage as well as help you both work thru this bump... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You must stand up to her and be firm that you do not want and will not have another child. You are happy with your family as is. You compromised previously and had a agreement, and now you expect her to honor it. If she wants, you'll go to counseling with her to help her get over the desire (more like obsession, but be nice!). If all that fails, then tell her that you don't want to stand in her way and that if another child is necessary to make her happy, you will divorce her so she can be free to pursue that with someone else. Then do it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 This will never end until you say no and then stop talking about it. Mother Nature instills in women a deep instinctual drive that makes them always want one more child in case the next famine or plague kills off the ones she already has. It's a deep instinctual drive. It can't be reasoned with. It can't be negotiated. You can't change her mind. Just stop talking about it. When she brings it up listen to what she has to say, smile and nod your head and let her know that you heard her and understand her desire. ......and then stop talking and go back to what you were doing. If she asks you if you'll reverse your vasectomy, say no and then go back to what you were doing. Stop talking about this and stop entertaining he idea, it is giving r false and unrealistic hopes. If she were 25 you would have to be prepared for her to leave and find another man. But at 38 with 3 young kids, no other man will father kids with her (they'll hook up with when the bar closes, but Noone will marry her to have more kids with her) This is a boundary issue. You must maintain your own boundaries. Be compassionate and understanding and respectful, but be firm. This will pass in a handful of years as she approaches menopause. This is Mother Natures last "surge" of maternal hormones to have one more offspring before the baby factory closes up shop. Don't fall for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 No. In this situation she is being patently unfair. Period. I think many women, as they know the door of childbearing is closing, wish for "just one more." I know I did. I had to have surgery in my 30's due to a cancer that left me almost completely unlikely to ever be pregnant again. I already had my children, but I mourned....off and on for years. She is trying to change the rules AFTER you have already made one compromise. This is on her. Stand firm. And if she is that set on it and you DO think about it....there is always adoption. DNA ISN'T everything. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 OP - this is a couple decision. Having remarried to a man who had a vasectomy it is a very involved, costly process that the success rate has to be taken into consideration. We decided to not go with the reversal and went to IVF which is a whole other host of cost, concerns, and impact. But it is most decidedly a joint decision. At the end of the day while she is claiming it is unfair of you to not consider it, she is equally, or more so since she has changed her mind, to ask you to consider it. Maybe a few sessions in MC to help mediate the issue and see if you two can come to an understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I disagree with MC for this situation. I think MC will give give her a platform to state her case and make her arguments and give her hope. The counselor' s role in MC is open lines of communication and help each other understand the other's position and come up with some kind of resolution strategy which is often compromise. This is a boundary issue. This is a subject matter that is not based on reason or rationalization or any kind of nuts and bolts problem. A 38 year woman with 3 kids under 8 is akin to a toddler wanting to play in the street. You don't go to counseling to learn how to communicate about and come up with a compromise and mutually agreed upon solution. You simply say 'no' and then not enable them to do it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I disagree with MC for this situation. I think MC will give give her a platform to state her case and make her arguments and give her hope. The counselor' s role in MC is open lines of communication and help each other understand the other's position and come up with some kind of resolution strategy which is often compromise. This is a boundary issue. This is a subject matter that is not based on reason or rationalization or any kind of nuts and bolts problem. A 38 year woman with 3 kids under 8 is akin to a toddler wanting to play in the street. You don't go to counseling to learn how to communicate about and come up with a compromise and mutually agreed upon solution. You simply say 'no' and then not enable them to do it. I disagree based on my experience with marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is there as a mediator to work on the issues in the couple. It can be about seeing each other's point of view, it can be about making one party see where they are being unfair and how the couple can handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Do you think the fact that your youngest is on the brink of preschool/kindergarten has anything to do with it? Is she scared of what's going to happen when all the kids are at school? (Will she need to get a job, etc). I only have one child, but when she started school I did feel like I lost my sense of purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Do you think the fact that your youngest is on the brink of preschool/kindergarten has anything to do with it? Is she scared of what's going to happen when all the kids are at school? (Will she need to get a job, etc). I only have one child, but when she started school I did feel like I lost my sense of purpose. schools need lots of help like volunteers for copying, math help in classroom, cutting art project stuff ...grading papers ...if your wife is worrying about her sense of purpose (ask her) suggest ways to shift her focus I'd just tell her No about a 4th ... Like others have said ...when will she finally be satisfied. I too love babies but stopped at 2 very energetic boys ...and I so wanted a girl but I'm completely happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 This thread brings up some painful memories, literally. I guess I have that easy-going nature that Grumpy referenced, because in your shoes I caved. Let me tell you brother, a vasectomy is nothing compared to the reversal. I mean, damn. I have no regrets, but if you're sure that you're done, stay done. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 So your wife thinks people have a right to change their mind but does she not also think they have a right not to change their mind? Her desire to have another child is causing her to talk selfish nonsense. You two had an agreement and she is not honouring it. Does she not have an expectation for people to keep their word? How would she like it if you suddenly changed your mind about promises you have made to her? I agree that this proves it will never end. After a 4th baby she will want a 5th and when she gets too old to have babies she will want to adopt or foster, because she is selfishly using little human beings to fill a void inside of her. I would recommend counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I wouldn't even discuss it with her anymore. This is not a reasonable request. So, why try to reason with her? I would just smile and keep going. But, I would NOT be having another child. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Stand your ground. After 3 kids, I went through a similar discussion with my normally reasonable wife - as many have noted, for some women it's hormonally driven and not based on logic or circumstance. My wife scratches her itch by volunteering at the local Children's Hospital. There are a heartbreaking number of babies, both in the NICU and healthy units, in need human contact in every form. She can rock, hold, feed, diaper and nurture to her heart's content. Be prepared, some of the situations and back stories will test your faith in humanity. Though I doubt with 3 kids your wife has much spare time, might be something for her to consider when your youngest starts school... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 There's something else going on with her.. she needs IC not MC. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) I don't think there is anything wrong with her that would require counseling.. she wants another kid to satisfy her internal needs, she doesn't want one so they can go out and rob banks for their parents All she did was discuss her feelings with her husband, the guilt trip is being applied too but that doesn't require counseling... I think the MC might be needed to help the marriage over this bump since they are not seeing eye to eye and this might become a wedge rather than something to grow from. Edited October 9, 2015 by Art_Critic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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