For those that ended up with your MM

[HappyNow70]

All your dreams finally came true....he left her and you now have your man all to yourself. Or do you? I'm sure MANY would say its Karma. It is deserved.

 

Anyone else have a hard time constantly wondering if he will now do it to you? I have no reason to think so at this juncture, but its always in the back of my mind. You have seen that he is capable of lying and manipulating. How do you get past this fear and build a real relationship?

[Got it]

All your dreams finally came true....he left her and you now have your man all to yourself. Or do you? I'm sure MANY would say its Karma. It is deserved.

 

Anyone else have a hard time constantly wondering if he will now do it to you? I have no reason to think so at this juncture, but its always in the back of my mind. You have seen that he is capable of lying and manipulating. How do you get past this fear and build a real relationship?

 

Yeah not sure if I viewed it so . . . . extreme?

 

Anyway, we both did IC and couples counseling together while in the affair and then afterwards. We established the boundaries and transparency we wanted in our relationship and we have both committed to working on it everyday. So, based on the lessons we both learned in the past, neither one of us wants to hide anything. Part of our complaint in our past relationships were living separate lives. So we have compete access to each other's technology, to each other, etc.

 

We really don't have a fear of the other person cheating. Sure we know it could happen but it could happen with anyone. We work on today and go from there. I don't know, it just hasn't been an issue. I trust my gut, and I trust even if he did I would be fine. I have always been able to discuss anything with him, no subject off limits.

 

Why are you worried he is going to cheat? Are you seeing coping mechanisms/signs that he is making unhealthy decisions? Does he hide things from you? Have you two tried counseling? I found that to be very helpful. And since I cheated as well, I can't assume he is any more capable than myself.

 

In regards to building a relationship, some of it is just time and the rest is honesty, transparency, and effort. You build the relationship you want.

[HappyNow70]

Thank you for the response. I guess I'm just having a bad day so to speak with respect to the extremeness.

 

Absolutely no reason to think he is cheating now. I just think about how he used to lie to her to be with me and it makes me sick. I still feel the guilt for the whole situation. I know I need to look forward rather than back. Like you said, anyone can cheat. It was just so EASY for him. I never want to be what his x-wife was.

 

We are actually seeing a counselor now, and he has basically said I have to just make the choice to trust him. (and him me). Easier said than done though I guess. I just still get so angry sometimes.

[Got it]

Thank you for the response. I guess I'm just having a bad day so to speak with respect to the extremeness.

 

Absolutely no reason to think he is cheating now. I just think about how he used to lie to her to be with me and it makes me sick. I still feel the guilt for the whole situation. I know I need to look forward rather than back. Like you said, anyone can cheat. It was just so EASY for him. I never want to be what his x-wife was.

 

We are actually seeing a counselor now, and he has basically said I have to just make the choice to trust him. (and him me). Easier said than done though I guess. I just still get so angry sometimes.

 

He should be open to discussing these feelings. I think if there is push back then that is a red flag. You both are figuring out your relationship and like a couple in reconciliation there are similarities. It isn't a snap of the fingers and requires both parties, but especially the WS, to really work on themselves to figure out why they have/had the coping mechanism that they did and what they want for the future. It is about learning healthier mechanisms to deal with issues and it requires work.

[Poppy47]

Thank you for the response. I guess I'm just having a bad day so to speak with respect to the extremeness.

 

Absolutely no reason to think he is cheating now. I just think about how he used to lie to her to be with me and it makes me sick. I still feel the guilt for the whole situation. I know I need to look forward rather than back. Like you said, anyone can cheat. It was just so EASY for him. I never want to be what his x-wife was.

 

We are actually seeing a counselor now, and he has basically said I have to just make the choice to trust him. (and him me). Easier said than done though I guess. I just still get so angry sometimes.

 

Have you ever told him what you just wrote here?

 

If so how did he react?

 

Poppy.

[HappyNow70]

Yes I have told him. He initially was very understanding, but now I think he just wants to forget about it. He wants to move forward with our relationship not dwell on the mistakes he made in the past. I get that.....I just think its so hard to KNOW the person in front of you is such a good liar...Like I said in my original post...probably Karma for starting a relationship in such a horrible way.

 

It is definitely an obstacle for me. Now that I "have" him a lightbulb goes off that I am now the wife and vulnerable.

 

We will continue to go to counseling. I honestly think if I could understand the "why" of what he (we) did I could cope with it better. I need to know why it happened in the first place in his previous marriage and why he is SO SURE it won't happen again.

[Got it]

Yes I have told him. He initially was very understanding, but now I think he just wants to forget about it. He wants to move forward with our relationship not dwell on the mistakes he made in the past. I get that.....I just think its so hard to KNOW the person in front of you is such a good liar...Like I said in my original post...probably Karma for starting a relationship in such a horrible way.

 

It is definitely an obstacle for me. Now that I "have" him a lightbulb goes off that I am now the wife and vulnerable.

 

We will continue to go to counseling. I honestly think if I could understand the "why" of what he (we) did I could cope with it better. I need to know why it happened in the first place in his previous marriage and why he is SO SURE it won't happen again.

 

Why did it happen with you? This is something that my husband and I have discussed at length but ultimately why it happened was because we allowed it. There was the line. Saw the line crossed it. Now there are reasons why cross the line was easier definitely. But it really comes down to respecting the line no matter what.

 

Does he discuss his whys with you? Any changes in his behaviors that he wants to do to be different?

 

You talk about this lightbulb, did it not go off prior to marrying? How long did you two date prior to marriage? I would definitely recommend continuing therapy. Trying to rugsweep it doesn't work and why you may feel uncomfortable.

[Karmacharm]

Yes I have told him. He initially was very understanding, but now I think he just wants to forget about it. He wants to move forward with our relationship not dwell on the mistakes he made in the past. I get that.....I just think its so hard to KNOW the person in front of you is such a good liar...Like I said in my original post...probably Karma for starting a relationship in such a horrible way.

 

It is definitely an obstacle for me. Now that I "have" him a lightbulb goes off that I am now the wife and vulnerable.

 

We will continue to go to counseling. I honestly think if I could understand the "why" of what he (we) did I could cope with it better. I need to know why it happened in the first place in his previous marriage and why he is SO SURE it won't happen again.

 

 

I truly hope it works out for you but someone once told me: if he can do it with you, he can do it to you.

 

 

Be careful, be cautious. I'm glad I didn't end up with my MM because I would be wondering also.

 

 

Good luck.

[cocorico]

All your dreams finally came true....he left her and you now have your man all to yourself. Or do you? I'm sure MANY would say its Karma. It is deserved.

 

Anyone else have a hard time constantly wondering if he will now do it to you?

 

Nope, can't say I "constantly wonder" or that I've ever had a "hard time".

 

It would be foolish in *any* R to assume that your partner would never be tempted to stray, or that you wouldn't be, but those are the risks of allowing yourself to become vulnerable, as one does to at least some degree, in a R.

 

Of course, he's crossed the line before. But having seen how and why it came to that, what it took to Dee him to that position, and the cost to himself involved, I'm no more concerned than I would be in any other R, and a lot less concerned than I would be with someone who swore blind that they simply don't have it in them to do such a thing. I'd far more readily trust someone who has tested their own limitations, explored their own psychology, and done the work to develop healthier behaviours - than someone who smugly assumes themself to be above human weakness.

 

 

A I have no reason to think so at this juncture, but its always in the back of my mind. You have seen that he is capable of lying and manipulating. How do you get past this fear and build a real relationship?

 

If you have such problems with trust, your R will not be sustainable - any more than a fBS who struggles to put their WS's behaviour behind them. You - both - need to ask yourselves if this is the R you want to be in,mans to be honest about the answers you give and receive. It's far better to bail early on from a R you are not fully committed to, than to persist against your better judgment and invest time, energy and other resources that you later regret.

 

But if you are both fully committed to making it work, then there are many things you can do. There is a whole history surrounding recovering Rs after infidelity, and you can shop around and find a guru to suit your every need. There are websites, books, programmes and groups, and any number of counsellors for yourselves as individuals and as a couple. shop around and find something that works for you.

 

But if you want to make to work, you have to invest. And that means making the choice to stop the "constant wondering" and to actively work at building trust. Continuing with one foot out the door simply condemns your R from the outset.

[wanderingxsoulz]

I never wanted my xMM to leave his family. I am too young for commitment this serious even though my feelings were genuine and honestly, I didn't think we would work in real life, when the fantasy and thrill wore off.

 

Another reason was because I'm the terribly insecure sort who could already see myself panicking about whether he's cheating on me. Knowing him, he probably would.

 

I would never want to be in the position of his wife.

[HappyNow70]

Thank your for all the responses.

 

We will continue to go to counseling. I guess I just need to be sure we did our best to find out the why behind what he did, and address that.

 

In other words, our R is great right now, but I'm afraid his coping mechanism to stress is emotionless sex with a stranger. He is SO SURE he will never cheat again but, what if he didn't deal with why he was such a creep to begin with?

 

Again, thank you for all the responses.

[Got it]

Thank your for all the responses.

 

We will continue to go to counseling. I guess I just need to be sure we did our best to find out the why behind what he did, and address that.

 

In other words, our R is great right now, but I'm afraid his coping mechanism to stress is emotionless sex with a stranger. He is SO SURE he will never cheat again but, what if he didn't deal with why he was such a creep to begin with?

 

Again, thank you for all the responses.

 

Did you two start as emotionless sex as strangers?

[minimariah]

I honestly think if I could understand the "why" of what he (we) did I could cope with it better. I need to know why it happened in the first place in his previous marriage and why he is SO SURE it won't happen again.

 

maybe he is sure because he knows what is like to be vulnerable to an affair now and knows how to prevent and avoid it. WHY did he do it? well, probably because exiting a long marriage isn't easy and folks rarely do it without the help of a third party.

 

it's not karma. i think that's an issue you have to address - you seem to think that you "deserve" to feel the way you feel right now. i'm not going to repeat what others had said, you got some awesome advice - i learned that, in life, we can't know anything for sure. you choose to trust your husband, you work on your relationship and you hope for the best.

 

he can cheat. who knows? you can cheat. or maybe you'll live happily ever after & be faithful to each other until the day you die. you take a leap of faith and you see where life takes you. don't beat yourself up over something that MIGHT happen.