Give it another shot?

[blackendangel13]

Ok so here is the deal; I need some advice on this. My ex and I were together for a year and a half. The first 9 months were paradise and I even moved to the same city he was in to be with him. After those 9 months I started to have the worst year of my life. I had health scares and lost 2 close members of my family. Through this my boyfriend was EXTREMELY selfish and spent most of his time with friends when I needed him. I would always get upset about him blowing me off and I started to resent him for it and resent myself for not having the strength to walk away.

 

He had a best friend, who he lived with, that constantly came between us. He always picked fights with him and me so I came out looking like an a**h*** in my ex's eyes. When I brought this up to my ex he said "well you just don't like ___", which isn't the case. When my ex wasn't around we got along. I just said I didn't like the position that he was putting me in and found it very unfair because he would side with his best friend everytime.

 

Anyhow we broke up in July, a week after I lost my grandmother. He came over and initiated the same song and dance about being a bad boyfriend and I had heard it so many times I simply said "then don't be with me". It was a very hard goodbye, we both cried, then I threw him out of my house. He wanted to be friends and we can't. I tried for awhile and we'd end up sleeping together and he'd be leading me on. He kept saying that he needed to get his **** together and then see how he felt about us.

 

So I finally cut off all contact in August of last year. Since then we have seen each other at places a few times. I'd avoid those places if I knew he was there. In October we were at a bar together and he tried talking to me. He asked how I was and I told him "The best I've ever f-ing been" and walked away. Around my birthday and Christmas he wrote me emails to which I angrily responded to leave me alone because I wanted to live my life. I told him I hated the person I was with him, which looking now, it probably wasn't him that made me that way. He quit writing after a few angry replies from me and once where I said nothing. Pretty much the emails were about how I was the last girlfriend he ever wanted and didn't want to be with anyone else. He just needed to figure stuff out and apologizing for being a bad boyfriend and hurting me, though not really fessing up to what he did.

 

I got into another relationship for 6 months. He started writing me again about a month ago after we almost bumped into me at a store by my house where I was rushing out of. Another angry reply from me with a note at the bottom that wasn't so angry. He replied back but only addressed the good part saying he thought about it and the better part of him realized I was hurt and to not to try to justify his actions.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago. It was a decent break-up, we still talk as friends, but we just were not "in-love" with each other. The day after we broke up I received another email from my ex, and due to my mood I didn't send a ****ty email back. He asked to read my stories (I am writing a collection of autobiographical stories at the moment) because he wanted to understand how bad he hurt me so he will never do it again. I don't know if I am ready for that.

 

So I guess I am asking what you guys think of this? Could he have changed? Should I maybe VERY slowly let him back in? I have never and probably will never again love someone like I loved him. Maybe he is just sending the emails because he feels sorry for himself and can't stand to have someone not like him. But do you think by now (almost a year later) if this was the case he would have given up? I said some very mean things which I felt were justified at the time. Maybe I am just lonely from the break-up. Any insight would be a world of help to me.

[Jilly10340]

Trust me, you'll love someone again, probably more then you loved him.

 

In my experience, people don't change. If you break up with someone once, it won't work out the second time (or the third in my case) for all the same reasons it didn't work out the first time.

 

If you really think he may have changed, then give him a chance to see what happens. But don't waste a year and a half of your life giving someone chances that they didn't deserve in the first place. That was my mistake. Now I'm with someone that I care about so much, and I shake my head at how much time I wasted on loving my ex, when there was a wonderful guy waiting just around the corner for me.

 

Good luck!

[outdated]

If you don't think that you'll ever love someone as much, and I don't know if that's true, but if you feel that way, then let him back in slowly. There must have been something that has bound you two together. And I think you're right when you say that if it didn't mean anything to him he would've given up a long time ago. And people DO change. I see it everyday. That is a case to case basis, because some people never will. If it's worth it to you then do it. But make sure you've reflected on what it truly is you want from this.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi angel,

 

I know you feel now like you won't/can't love anyone else like you loved your ex.

 

I have felt that way before.

 

First love of my life--absolutely devastating breakup. Took nine months to heal. Was utterly convinced no one else could ever have my heart the way he did. I loved and admired him despite some very s***ty and disrespectful behavior on his part.

 

Know what? I did love someone else the same way. More, even. (And yes, that guy dumped me too. But the point is, I LOVED AGAIN...and I know I will love again after I heal from this breakup.)

 

I would strongly discourage you from letting this guy back in. Read your own words: you had health scares and lost two members of your family, and your ex was a selfish bastard during those very tough times!

 

His "I'm sorry, I was a crap boyfriend" song and dance now ring very hollow to me. If he doesn't have any specific remorse over specific bad behaviors, and demonstrates no actual change in his life, then you can bank on the fact that he's just saying words that he thinks will convince you to let him back in. And he will not have changed in any meaningful way.

 

You are most likely just experiencing some delayed grief/mourning over the original breakup, and may be mistaking or interpreting those feelings through the lens of "maybe we should get back together."

 

I would place odds 95% on him not having changed and if you let him back in, he'll only hurt you again.

 

Sorry for the harsh words. You'll of course do what feels right and best to you, and that's perfectly okay! I took back my crap ex-ex twice before we finally called it quits for good. I guess I had to learn some lessons the hard way.

[blackendangel13]

Thank you all so much for the advice. Believe me, everything you all have said I have thought. On one hand he has apologized extensively for what he did, but he quit apologizing when I told him basically he was full of ****. I am in the same boat with most that I think most people do not change. I guess thinking more rationally about it now, it was never a need for him to change. It was more of an issue that he needed to grow up. I think this year apart has helped that, but it could be wrong.

 

This relationship destroyed me. When we broke up I had to deal with all the grief of losing my family and him and moving to this new place, but I have delt with that. I have grieved through writing and bettering myself. I am a much better person now and better equipped to handle a relationship in general. I did love my last boyfriend, it just wasn't the same kind of love I had with my ex. We didn't click like that and didn't connect on this crazy level that I did with my ex.

 

As far as when I say I will never love another like I loved my ex, thats because I don't let myself become that dependent on another person. I have learned to be my own support group and not take crap from ANYONE. This is why I think maybe just maybe, we could salvage something. Its been over a year people's lives can change dramatically in a year and I am living proof. I guess I will just need to take some time to think on why I want to do it and wait till I am strong enough not to get swept up and take baby steps.

 

Thanks everyone for the support and advice.

[blackendangel13]

Well all, after some deep thought, I have decided to let it/him go. My ex and I were on civil terms and I decided to include him in a bulk email I sent telling my friends that my phone was going to be shut off while I was moving. He replied back with :

 

the fact that i was included in that bulk e-mail

surprises me. Thanks?

 

I think I am just lonely and thought maybe we could recapture something that meant so much to me. I can see from this, regardless if he meant it to sound as rude as it does, that he is still the same guy. If he cared that much about showing me he changed he would have jumped for joy at the fact that I contacted him, especially about something like my phone number. I think I am just lonely and feeling rejected from my last relationship (not him). O well, there is hope. I got a new number yesterday!

[Tyric]

Well, I think you've probably made the right decision. Still, sometimes it's hard to tell sarcasm through text.

[blackendangel13]

That is very true, but we are nowhere near on the comfort level to be using sarcasm with each other. If he is, he is just using it to mask his feelings and I don't want to play games anymore. I thought I was trying to bridge the gap a little and he should have been thrilled but instead he just comes off sounding like a dick. O well. Other fish, one will swim by soon.