Am I off base here? (Girlfriend with late night guy friend)

[Techmonkey]

So I live with this girl. We've been dating for about five months. She has a guy friend that she'd be involved with physically from time to time. Nothing serious, as he's big on open relationships and non-commitment. When we started dating she told him she was in a monogamous relationship (me). She's still friends with him and communicates with him regularly. No big worry on my part. He still occasionally fishes for the possibility of sex with her, but she's not hidden this from me (been open about it) and told me it's not a thing that's going to happen. No big worry as she's being open and honest. Still....

 

Yesterday she tells me he's back in town after an extended absence and that he wants to hang out. Then I find out that he wants her to come over and hang out at his place late at night. She goes over there at 11:00PM and stays until 2:00AM. She tells me this morning that they talked, fell asleep, and just "laid around". That he just needed to talk to someone who cares for him.

 

She's completely transparent about this. Which is great, but she's also incredulous and feels I'm being overly possessive and insecure by being concerned about this. I'm not being demanding or telling her not to hang out with her friend, but I am telling her that that particular situation made me worry. She feels that maybe she shouldn't be so honest with me if i'm not going to trust her anyhow.

 

I'm just not sure what to think. I feel justified. She feels I'm bieng mistrusting and that offends her.

[fish1978]

Well, I think u have every right to be a bit worried and/or mad. She is with you now, and she should understand that you have a problem with your GF leaving the house late at night to go to another mans house. A man that has been more than a friend...

 

I think you must talk to her and tell her that you have a problem with ths.

 

 

I mean why couldnt they meet at the cafeteria near your house or whatever?

Next time just tell him to come over to your place.

 

Stay cool. Be precise and exact.

[Qboro90]

This is absurd. Just because she's being open and honest with you when telling you about another guy who is actively trying to be physical with her doesn't mean that makes it ok for her to do anything she wants. That's like saying "oh yea he kissed me but I'm telling you about it so you have no right to be mad and you should be happy I didn't lie and hide it from you".

 

You have every right to tell her that it's not ok with you and makes you very uncomfortable that she still talks and sees this guy. Especially at 11pm at night till 2am. If she's naive enough to think that a boyfriend would be ok with that then she needs to re evaluate the relationship. Would she be ok with you going over to an ex lovers house at midnight, cuddling with them and then acting like she has no right to be upset about it?

 

She's manipulating you. Time for you to take a stand and demand respect. In all honesty the guy she went to see probably made a move on her and something definitely happened physically. She wouldn't have went there if she didn't want to. It doesn't seem like this girl wants to be in a serious monogomous relationship right now if she's doing things like this.

[GunslingerRoland]

So I live with this girl. We've been dating for about five months. She has a guy friend that she'd be involved with physically from time to time.

 

My first question would be why do you guys live together so fast? Are you sure she is into you, or are you just a free apartment?

 

My second question would be, why do you tolerate this for even one second. That isn't a friend of hers, that is a lover of hers. He can't be in the picture if she's committed to you. You need to put your foot down.

[road]

No man should date a woman that will not go NC with her EX lovers. And, your GF takes this one step further by hanging out at his place in the middle of the night and "just" falling asleep.

 

 

When visiting a friends house you get tired you end the evening and go home before you can not stay awake.

 

 

Even if nothing happened the way things took place leaves me to only think the worse.

 

 

Another red flag is that when your GF said I am better off not telling you is her keeping secrets and the start of lying to you. That is enough reason that you should dump her.

[Try]

So I live with this girl. We've been dating for about five months. She has a guy friend that she'd be involved with physically from time to time. Nothing serious, as he's big on open relationships and non-commitment. When we started dating she told him she was in a monogamous relationship (me). She's still friends with him and communicates with him regularly. No big worry on my part. He still occasionally fishes for the possibility of sex with her, but she's not hidden this from me (been open about it) and told me it's not a thing that's going to happen. No big worry as she's being open and honest. Still....

 

Yesterday she tells me he's back in town after an extended absence and that he wants to hang out. Then I find out that he wants her to come over and hang out at his place late at night. She goes over there at 11:00PM and stays until 2:00AM. She tells me this morning that they talked, fell asleep, and just "laid around".

She goes over to spend time alone with her ex-lover, who actively "fishes for the possibility of sex with her", and then sleeps at his place until 2:00 am, and she thinks this is OK? Are you kidding me? Add to this the fact that the guy is "big on open relationships", and this is just nuts. She has very weak boundaries, and does not share your values in understanding what a "monogamous relationship" is all about.

 

Stop questioning yourself on this. Stop letting her push you around by pretending that she did nothing wrong. You should be offended that she is trying to be the one offended. She is playing you by going with the best defense is a good offense approach (common among cheaters BTW). She either comes clean and says that she is sorry, or you dump her.

Edited October 9, 2015 by Try

[MrMeh]

You both feel differently about the same issue. Objectively, you two are not compatible when it comes to boundaries on other relationships.

If no solution is found then just cut the string and find somebody that shares this opinion with you.

[candie13]

I think that would be ok if they were in a bar chatting... his place, given that they slept together - makes it suspicious. I'd be pissed too, actually.

[Techmonkey]

According to her they were laying around on couches. Not in bed. She's really of the mind that "Either you trust me or you don't.". She simply can't understand why I mistrust the situation. That is the aspect that pisses me off the most. That I'm wrong to call out the situation as "bad taste" regardless of trust. I believe her that she didn't have sex with him. But to just casually allow that situation to happen was poor/selfish thinking on her part.

 

Either way to have to argue about whether my misgivings are tantamount to paranoid possessiveness and her having no give on her side really makes me frustrated.

[kgcolonel]

Is your GF strong minded? I once had a GF how befriended a guy at school that had been out of the country for two years and had just enrolled at her university. She kept saying that he was really interesting and was really deep minded. My red flags began to go off but I bit my tongue.

 

After a while, she was asking me about my favorite childhood story and I asked why. She told me that they were talking and that he had "analyzed" her's and he was spot on in her mental make up. When she disclosed my response, he attempted to make me out to feel insecure etc..... He began to work to assure her that he was only after a friendship. She was in school without any transportation and at one point was invited to his place for a homecooked dinner. She asked me what I thought and I told her that he was up to no good and that this was a very bad idea (I was 100 miles away at a different university).

 

She decided to "trust" him and went to have dinner with him courtesy of him picking her up at her apartment. Needless to say, there was an attempted rape that night and (if she wasn't actually raped as she may have been too ashamed to admit it) she was fortunate to get him to drive her back to her place.

 

There are other reasons this may not be a great idea other than trusting the commitment to fidelity of your GF.

 

This is an actual story.

[Stage5Clinger]

I would escape this situation immediately. Have you no self-respect?

[Techmonkey]

I think you are underestimating your GF. A lot of guys would rather believe their GF is just dumb, or clueless to the fact that their behavior is bullsh*t, but the reality is that they generally know what the deal is. She knows that what she is doing is wrong, but it's easy for her to get away with it by acting like you should just blindly trust her. You are being played.

 

It's possible. She's very sensitive about being mistrusted. She's also still in constant daily communication with her former boyfriend (another person from her former casual lover) of eight years who dumped her. My voicing concerns about **** like this is "wearing thin". I do know that I've had more relationship stress in the last five months than I have in any of my previous relationships. I guess that right there says a lot regardless of whether anything is actually happening or not. I will say that she is deliberately honest and I've known her about ten years. It's interesting how romantic entanglement changes perspectives.

[chapter44]

I am not going to assume your GF is cheating but I do find her behavior concerning. You seem to be a gracious and secure man but I think the majority of people would find her behavior inappropriate. Visiting an ex fling at his house until 2:00 in the morning and falling asleep on the couch shows a total lack of regard for her live-in boyfriend regardless of how honest she was about it. You should be her priority not her past fling who is now a friend or her ex of 8 years which she is still in contact with.

Read any of the threads on here and you will find the majority of unfaithful partners deny they are doing anything wrong and then accuse their partners of being paranoid or untrusting - its a very common theme. I would say trust your instincts because 99.9% of the time it is dead on.

[bubbaganoosh]

Maybe you should sit her down in front of the computer and ask her to type in the word Monogamous and let her read it then ask her if she understands the meaning.

 

Then ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and if she says she would be cool with it then don't believe her because she hasn't had to deal with it.

 

All in all just let her know that it's flat out disrespect and if she's going to start lying rather then acting like she's in a monogamous then there isn't any reason to keep this going and be firm with it. She wants her cake and eat it too.

[S2B]

Disrespect is still the same thing whether she's honest about it or not.

 

Why didn't she see him at your place; in front of you?

 

You don't trust her because she doesn't do thing to earn trust!

 

When any person doesn't earn my trust - I have no use for them. They are a time waster trying to plead their case with their own brand of bs.

 

 

She's drama. Why would that even be appealing? She needs to keep in touch with all these past lovers? Let her! She can be single and see whoever she wants...she's got plenty of backup plans in line for herself.

 

 

Does she pay rent? Half of all expenses?

[lolablue17]

It's not a matter of trust. tell her you trust her completely. But I see her a beginning of a red flag....

 

When she says that "maybe she shouldn't have been honest with you..." even if it's been said only as an argument, she is doing few things.

 

1. It means she doesn't treat honesty as a "MUST" element in a relationship, but as a permission she has "to be or not to be honest", and according to her it's legitimate to change that decision at any given moment.

 

2. She put it as she's doing you a favor by being honest. What about your honesty? If she stops being honest, she's jeopardizing her own happiness by taking risk that you will stop being honest with her, and from that moment you're both "on the highway to hell". So, by being honest she doesn't do anything that you don't do!

 

3. This is the worst - No matter how you look at it, actually she made a threat. "If you don't change your reaction, I will stop being honest with you". In all my relationships in all my life - When I hear a threat, I'm gone!

 

I have a rule in life - No one can maintain communication with me with threats. NEVER.

[S2B]

What could she possibly need to communicate with her exes every day for?

 

What's her motivation? What is she getting out of it? Why can't she let go of what's in the past?

 

 

All the things you've listed do not indicate that she's worthy of being trusted.

 

When there's drama than someone is creating - it's designed to cover things up. What's she covering up? Why the drama if she's so honest?

 

Why is that something you want in your life?

[Darren Steez]

So I live with this girl. We've been dating for about five months. She has a guy friend that she'd be involved with physically from time to time. Nothing serious, as he's big on open relationships and non-commitment. When we started dating she told him she was in a monogamous relationship (me). She's still friends with him and communicates with him regularly. No big worry on my part. He still occasionally fishes for the possibility of sex with her, but she's not hidden this from me (been open about it) and told me it's not a thing that's going to happen. No big worry as she's being open and honest. Still....

 

Yesterday she tells me he's back in town after an extended absence and that he wants to hang out. Then I find out that he wants her to come over and hang out at his place late at night. She goes over there at 11:00PM and stays until 2:00AM. She tells me this morning that they talked, fell asleep, and just "laid around". That he just needed to talk to someone who cares for him.

 

She's completely transparent about this. Which is great, but she's also incredulous and feels I'm being overly possessive and insecure by being concerned about this. I'm not being demanding or telling her not to hang out with her friend, but I am telling her that that particular situation made me worry. She feels that maybe she shouldn't be so honest with me if i'm not going to trust her anyhow.

 

I'm just not sure what to think. I feel justified. She feels I'm bieng mistrusting and that offends her.

 

Bro bro bro *shaking my head* Dude?

 

What is it that they have to talk about at 11pm that they can't talk about over the phone? Add to that they didn't even talk that much..lay around then fell asleep!!? And you bought that?

 

So you bought the whole I'm not hiding anything from you gig, why should she hide it? It takes more effort to lie that I'm going over to bang someone at 11pm than telling you I'm just going to "hang out" now she's done the clincher and told you "See look what I get for being honest with you"

 

Yes you're a dumb dumb for not trusting your girl to hang out with a guy she bangs on and off at 11pm at night.

 

Now we've got that out of the way, would you kindly take the time to buy this bridge I have to sell to you?

 

Break up with her like yesterday pal. She clearly doesn't need your permission to go and bang this dude. All that's left is whether you keep buying this crap and allowing it to happen under your nose.

[Winterina]

The fact that she is angry that you don't trust her is also a sign that she just does not care about your feelings at all.

She is immature for relationships if she thinks this is ok.

 

If she wants you to trust her (and I think you have been more than flexible) then she has to act in a trustworthy way.

 

You are in for a lot of trouble with this girl.

[Maggie4]

She is exploiting your trust, and using it to do whatever she wants. I'm sorry to say I don't think she cares about you. That's the bottom line. When she meets the right man for her, she will not do this to him, not because she's afraid he'll leave her, but because she will not hurt him.

[kgcolonel]

I can't help but to ask a couple of questions here:

 

What is your ultimate goal with this girl? Is it have a good time with her while it lasts or is it long-term with a potential marriage / union even a consideration?

 

The fact that you have expressed that this situation with the "guy friend" makes you uncomfortable (at least uncomfortable) and she either challenges you to accept it or ....... her actions and words indicate that she places a higher value on the relationship with him than she does in your relationship. This doesn't make her the bad person, as she is being honest through her actions but it does identify incompatibility between you and her. She wants to fly as close to the flame (meeting him at his place alone late at night instead of looking for a way to visit with him in a place that would put you at ease).

 

She states that you are controlling but in fact I see it as just the opposite, she is going to do exactly what she wants without consideration of your feelings and you can either like it or lump it..... Mature couples work together to find solutions, not stick to the I'm right you're wrong standoffs.

 

I see a open conversation with her as a "where are we headed" type and followed by the "here is what I am looking for what are you looking for" discussion.

 

If this is a simple, "let's have fun while we can, then discard the above.

 

Hope it works out for you two.

Edited October 10, 2015 by kgcolonel

[Try]

"Either you trust me or you don't."

The next time that she says "either you trust me or you don't", you need to answer back with saying that "either you care about how I feel on this or you don't", and then tell her that you are "really getting tired of having to explain this to her again and again when most people on their own would understand what is so wrong with her actions". This is called turning the tables.

 

How does a cheater say "f*ck you"? They say "trust me".

Edited October 10, 2015 by Try

[Try]

She's also still in constant daily communication with her former boyfriend (another person from her former casual lover) of eight years who dumped her.

She sleeps over at a former lovers house and is in daily contact with another former lover that dumped her? She is keeping herself in the game with these other men that have a romantic interest in her. Dating involves spending time with someone that has the potential to develop into a romantic relationship. Many dates do not end in sex, so even if she is not having sex with them right now, she is still dating them, and keeping her options open with them.

 

Being in a monogamous relationship means that you take yourself off the circuit and focus all of your energy on this one relationship. She is not willing to do that. Face the fact that she is not in love with you, so you do not have any leverage with her on this. From her point of view, you are just a temporary relationship that is convenient as long as you know your place. This is not a knock on you, it just is what it is. How you handle this is what determines who you are.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is shocking. I actually have a similar friend, we were friends before we dated, had an open relationship for six months, ended that when we met partners who wanted to be monogamous and have remained close friends ever since. We slept together last time we were both single again too, but from that experience I know I'd never do it again, it was awful for several reasons.

 

I see him sometimes, during the afternoon or early evening, I invite my boyfriend (he doesn't come as he thinks it'd be awkward but swears he is happy for me to go as he trusts me), we meet in a public place like a bar, we have a chat for an hour or two and go our separate ways. If it bothered my boyfriend, although I'd be sad to lose him from my life (we are in touch only once every couple months really and meet up a few times per year) I'd understand and be happy to do so.

 

If I went over to his apartment, that late, there's no way that wouldn't have an overtone of 'we are going to be intimate again'. Your girlfriend has serious boundary issues and will try and get away with anything she likes in future as long as she claims that 'nothing happened' with the guy. It's not about 'something happened' as in kissing, sex, 'something happening' is going to your ex lover's apartment late at night for intimate talking without taking your partner along.

 

Also... daily contact with an ex? Why did you get involved with this car crash again?

[smackie9]

Boundaries people boundaries! there needs to be boundaries!!

 

Previous interaction and behavior should be adjusted/changed when you are in a relationship. Staying out till 3 am all drunk, or hanging out one on one with ex lovers etc. It's just not appropriate and it's disrespectful.

 

Your GF is carrying on like when she was single.....time for a talk. If she throws that, you don't trust me crap excuse at you, you say out to the curb you go!