Am I off base here? (Girlfriend with late night guy friend)

[Spectre]

I'm sorry but her saying she will still hang out with him, but just not alone or at night is NOT good enough, period. Either this guy is out of her life forever or you should be out.

 

I mean it takes some damn audacity for her to say she will continue to hang with him. After what she pulled? No, any sane female would recognize she is just playing with fire by having this prick in her life. It's the friend or the boyfriend and this honestly should be a no brainer as to who you pick.

 

So she messes up and the only thing she is willing to do is not hang around alone at night. Aww, how special she is and how considerate of your feelings. Truly this is someone who will one day make a great wife. I know it turns me on when I point out a girl is acting shady and she says "maybe I just won't be honest with you anymore". Just yum..so much love I feel when a girl says that. It's just so chalk full of respect, love, and understanding.

 

Hell OP please break up with your girl because she sounds super awesome to the point where *I* want to date her. You just do not deserve a diamond in the rough such as this. You will never learn to appreciate her dishonesty or overall shady ways, set her free so a real man can step up and give her what she deserves: not ever questioning a single shady thing she does. I'd treat her well, I'd always wear nothing but white shirts so everyone could see with crystal clarity the boot marks on my back.

 

Love..love will keep us together(love and dishonesty). Stop, cuz I really love you, stop..I've been cheating on you. Look in your heart and know love will keep us together.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Spectre

[crederer]

I don't know any guy that would tolerate this. Even if she isn't cheating (I'm pretty sure she is) it's disrespectful as hell to do this to you. Do you not feel emasculated? To have your gf go over to a guys place she's had sex with, him trying to have sex with her now, while you sit at home diddling your thumbs?

[Spectre]

I don't know any guy that would tolerate this. Even if she isn't cheating (I'm pretty sure she is) it's disrespectful as hell to do this to you. Do you not feel emasculated? To have your gf go over to a guys place she's had sex with, him trying to have sex with her now, while you sit at home diddling your thumbs?

 

Some guys have been conditioned to be saps and think that behavior like this isn't shady it is just her being a healthy independent woman who is not sexually repressed.

 

All the cool kids are hanging out alone with men they used to bang and then whining when called on it by their boyfriends. Then to show lots of people are popping the crazy pills these days..some people don't think this girl did anything wrong even if she didn't cheat.

[kismetkismet]

It's my opinion that people's sexuality in regards to monogamy/polyamory is similar to people's sexuality in terms of their homosexuality/heterosexuality/bisexuality. Just as people are naturally attracted to certain genders, some people are naturally inclined towards particular relationship structures (though i think there is more a combo of nature AND nurture, whereas sexuality is more nature).

 

Anyway.. my point is that if she is used to non-traditional relationship structures, the chances of her being happy and comfortable in a strictly traditional monogamous relationship is unlikely. Not impossible, but it could be a strain, she might feel restricted and not fulfilled. I'm not saying that you have to put up with that kind of behaviour, but in her mind she does not see attachment and possession of other people the same way as you might. I personally would not date someone that was in polyamorous relationships even if they promised to be monogamous with me. Because i think it's an innate inclination to be either monogamous or otherwise...

 

so with that said.. it's up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. I would personally be deeply upset if my boyfriend did something like that. But if you aren't, and you trust her, then that is up to your relationship. You have to decide on some boundaries together and think about what you are truly comfortable with, where you can compromise and where you cannot. You can't place your own restrictions on someone else that they're not happy with, it won't end well.

 

It's not about what is right or wrong here really, it's about whether or not your relationship styles and emotional needs are compatible.

[Spectre]

I don't think this is about lifestyles, rather just selfishness. This girl thinks she can do what she wants with the ex bang buddy because she was honest about initially hanging out with him. Then she comes with the "oh maybe I shouldn't be honest" as if trying to paint herself as some poor victim who is a champion for honesty and integrity and the big bad boyfriend who dared question her just candle handle her truth.

 

She's good at manipulation I will give her that. It's going to be unfortunate for whoever ends up with her next.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Spectre

[kismetkismet]

I totally agree that the "maybe i shouldn't be honest" thing is manipulative and ****ty for sure. I know a lot of people that don't have the same level of attachment and jealousy as some and people that would be pretty much ok with that sort of thing. There are a fair number of polyamorous people around here and people don't necessarily adhere to traditional dating expectations. But that doesn't make it ok for YOU. I would absolutely hate that sort of behaviour and wouldn't put up with it. Because that's not the kind of relationship i want.. my point was more that.. if that is her mindset now, and if she has a history of polyamory/non-monogamy, she is unlikely to change it.

[JS84]

Have no idea how there are men out there who put up with **** like this...

[smackie9]

OP is long gone....it's been over a month since he last posted (OCT 9th).

[Spectre]

Have no idea how there are men out there who put up with **** like this...

 

There is no nice way to say this: some people are stupid, too stupid to leave a horrid thing, too stupid to see they are better off dating a blow up doll. They just want to be with what they are comfortable with..you see because going out and finding a non shady partner to be with is just too much effort.

[siankat]

i dont think anyone should be put in the position to have to ask for boundaries. she should assert them even if its just to show that friend that her respecting her relationship with you takes priority, and not attending to his whims and needs that conflict with maintaining integrity and respect in her own relationship

 

As she hasn't done that. Like someone else said, assert your boundaries of what is ok and what is not, and let her know that it is important to you.

 

Reasonable considerate people respond to reasonable boundaries

[siankat]

My partner is someone i have known for 12 years and we have been dating for 1.5 years so i know what you mean about your perspective of a situation changing based on the nature of your relationship i.e. something you could take at face value when her friend, you feel threatened by as her boyfriend. it takes a lifetime to get to know someone. Time will tell. Just try not to lose sight of your self respect and ergo judgement in the meantime as when the time comes to decide is she okay for you or not, you want to be able to make the best decision that accurately reflects whats going on

[jalexander]

Sorry, posted to the wrong board.

Edited November 15, 2015 by jalexander
wrong board

[m.snow]

Even tho the guy is clearly out of her league? And even tho the OP, who knows his partner much better than any of us do, is convinced she isn't cheating?

 

Nope, this is a jealously issue, pure and simple. As the OP openly admitted.

 

And yes, I have a guy friend who I often play fight and wrestle with, and I have gotten a bruise or two. That means I'm cheating on my fiance? Perhaps I'm missing something here. Playful fighting with a friend is not sex, therefore it's not "cheating". Duh.

 

And the fact that his gf is being totally open about her time with him should remove any red flags. As long as she makes time for OP and her relationship with him, what's the problem?

 

were talking about a "strictly" monogamous relationship here.

 

did you have a past sexual relationship with your guy friend?

how would your boyfriend react if you spent the night at his place knowing that you and your guy friend had a sexual past?

 

and if the tables were turned and your boyfriend asked to spend the night with his ex-girlfriend, how would you feel.

 

In all of this as Adults we must learn "Sensibility!"