Am I off base here? (Girlfriend with late night guy friend)

[warshaw]

Youve been dating 5 months and you already live together?

 

You barely know a person after 5 months.

 

This is the sort of problem that arises when you move too fast.

 

She's most likely cheating on you and you're stuck in the same apartment.

 

Good luck with that.

[Keke1]

So I live with this girl. We've been dating for about five months. She has a guy friend that she'd be involved with physically from time to time. Nothing serious, as he's big on open relationships and non-commitment. When we started dating she told him she was in a monogamous relationship (me). She's still friends with him and communicates with him regularly. No big worry on my part. He still occasionally fishes for the possibility of sex with her, but she's not hidden this from me (been open about it) and told me it's not a thing that's going to happen. No big worry as she's being open and honest. Still....

 

Yesterday she tells me he's back in town after an extended absence and that he wants to hang out. Then I find out that he wants her to come over and hang out at his place late at night. She goes over there at 11:00PM and stays until 2:00AM. She tells me this morning that they talked, fell asleep, and just "laid around". That he just needed to talk to someone who cares for him.

 

She's completely transparent about this. Which is great, but she's also incredulous and feels I'm being overly possessive and insecure by being concerned about this. I'm not being demanding or telling her not to hang out with her friend, but I am telling her that that particular situation made me worry. She feels that maybe she shouldn't be so honest with me if i'm not going to trust her anyhow.

 

I'm just not sure what to think. I feel justified. She feels I'm bieng mistrusting and that offends her.

 

One word or three. Whichever works best.

Leave or Kick her out

[DKT3]

Here is the thing, if your girlfriend had bad intentions with this guy its unlikely she would be drawing attention in this area. So I believe that she hasn't slept with him YET. The problem is, this is how most affairs start, that is not having intent of it becoming an affair.

 

Your girlffiend is taking this as an attack on her and not seeing it as being about how it makes you feel. There in lays the issue.

 

I see only one option here, because this goes beyond her male "friend" and into her not respecting your feelings. You have to explain to her that it isn't that your saying she is or will cheat, your simply not comfortable with her hanging out with an ex f*ck buddy during prime hook up hours in private. Besides, he is still fishing for sex and hitting on her which show he doesn't respect you or your relationship. If you give in here you are laying down a foundation where she doesn't feel she needs to respect your feeling.

 

Given the way she is reacting and commenting it will likely end your relationship which is a good thing. She lacks boundaires, and is some what emotionally manipulating and bullying you by making you feel bad for calling her actions into question, and her actions are at least highly disrespectful. No need to ask the question how she would handle you doing the same because we all know the answer to that.

 

Stand your ground, if not there is a very good chance you will be back here with a thread titled "I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING WITH HER EX" You don't want to join this club, it sucks.

[Jersey born raised]

Look if you value somrthingn you take steps to portect it. Look her other guy does not get saying no. Anything he say is to protect that point of view.

 

It is time to have let's just be friends and move on. Politely and friendly turn down sex. Say, we just don't fit, this is not want either of us want and get her out the door. Don't argue, just be friendly and push her out.

 

Learn from this.

[Spectre]

Here is the thing, if your girlfriend had bad intentions with this guy its unlikely she would be drawing attention in this area. So I believe that she hasn't slept with him YET. The problem is, this is how most affairs start, that is not having intent of it becoming an affair.

 

Your girlffiend is taking this as an attack on her and not seeing it as being about how it makes you feel. There in lays the issue.

 

I see only one option here, because this goes beyond her male "friend" and into her not respecting your feelings. You have to explain to her that it isn't that your saying she is or will cheat, your simply not comfortable with her hanging out with an ex f*ck buddy during prime hook up hours in private. Besides, he is still fishing for sex and hitting on her which show he doesn't respect you or your relationship. If you give in here you are laying down a foundation where she doesn't feel she needs to respect your feeling.

 

Given the way she is reacting and commenting it will likely end your relationship which is a good thing. She lacks boundaires, and is some what emotionally manipulating and bullying you by making you feel bad for calling her actions into question, and her actions are at least highly disrespectful. No need to ask the question how she would handle you doing the same because we all know the answer to that.

 

Stand your ground, if not there is a very good chance you will be back here with a thread titled "I JUST FOUND OUT MY WIFE IS CHEATING WITH HER EX" You don't want to join this club, it sucks.

 

I have to disagree with you a bit. Come on now..she stayed with this guy until 2 am and they just "laid around" and this was a former sex buddy. For me that is more then just "lacking boundaries". She planned this, she didn't just run into this guy randomly.

 

Then her reaction is getting defensive and trying to turn it around on him which for me is a classic reaction that cheaters tend to do. In a sense this girl lies with the truth. She is open about it..to an extent. But she still ends up "falling asleep" there, but oh the guy just needed someone to talk to. The same guy who occasionally tries to still screw her even though she told him she had a boyfriend. That fact right there should of made her exclude this guy from her life since a true friend wouldn't do that. Yet she goes out to hang out with him alone.

 

I find it really hard to believe that this girl didn't do something inappropriate with this guy. Was it full on sex? I can't say, but just the facts we have point to her doing something more then just laying down and talking.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

OP hasn't posted for a week.......he long gone.

[Spectre]

You never know, sometimes people come back and give updates after a week or two.

[jmiller1991]

I find it really hard to believe that this girl didn't do something inappropriate with this guy. Was it full on sex? I can't say, but just the facts we have point to her doing something more then just laying down and talking.

 

Even tho the guy is clearly out of her league? And even tho the OP, who knows his partner much better than any of us do, is convinced she isn't cheating?

 

Nope, this is a jealously issue, pure and simple. As the OP openly admitted.

 

And yes, I have a guy friend who I often play fight and wrestle with, and I have gotten a bruise or two. That means I'm cheating on my fiance? Perhaps I'm missing something here. Playful fighting with a friend is not sex, therefore it's not "cheating". Duh.

 

And the fact that his gf is being totally open about her time with him should remove any red flags. As long as she makes time for OP and her relationship with him, what's the problem?

[salparadise]

She has a guy friend that she'd be involved with physically from time to time. [...]

 

Then I find out that he wants her to come over and hang out at his place late at night. She goes over there at 11:00PM and stays until 2:00AM. She tells me this morning that they talked, fell asleep, and just "laid around". That he just needed to talk to someone who cares for him.

 

Life is just too short to put up with this crap from a woman. She has no boundaries, and no consideration for how it makes you feel. It's all about her doing what she wants... in this case, going to her former-hookup's place alone at exactly the time she should be sliding into bed with you... and staying three hours, which is exactly how much time it takes to say howdy-do, a round or three of phukking, a bit of cuddling and get dressed and leave.

 

When I start dating someone I listen carefully for clues about boundaries, empathy, and consideration. If a woman is even communicating with a guy whom she allowed to put his penis in her vagina at one time or another (coparenting notwithstanding), that's really all I need to know about her.

 

I don't need to try and decipher whether they're still doing the horizontal bop or just flirting and carrying on, or providing emotional support... the stuff they expect you to accept based on assurances, disclosure, etc.

 

The bottom line is... it makes for a sh*tty relationship and a sh*tty life, and the sooner you cut your losses and move on the better off you'll be. Asking them to change who they are or to change their behavior is just pissing in the wind.

[Spectre]

Even tho the guy is clearly out of her league?

 

You mean the guy she used to bang is out of her league? How do you figure? Say things that make sense.

 

And even tho the OP, who knows his partner much better than any of us do, is convinced she isn't cheating?

 

Uh dude, I see it all the time on this board. Some guys just can't accept this stuff.

 

Nope, this is a jealously issue, pure and simple. As the OP openly admitted.

 

And yes, I have a guy friend who I often play fight and wrestle with, and I have gotten a bruise or two. That means I'm cheating on my fiance? Perhaps I'm missing something here. Playful fighting with a friend is not sex, therefore it's not "cheating". Duh.

 

And the fact that his gf is being totally open about her time with him should remove any red flags. As long as she makes time for OP and her relationship with him, what's the problem?

 

Uh why are you talking about play fighting? You do know the OP's girl used to bang the guy she hung out with..right? I don't know why you are talking about wrestling. Surely you couldn't of thought the OP meant play fighting. You seem very very confused. Perhaps you read a different thread or something.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

You never know, sometimes people come back and give updates after a week or two.

What to see people arguing the same point over and over again?

 

The OP isn't going to stick around possibly, and like most will start a new thread on another site.

[Spectre]

What to see people arguing the same point over and over again?

 

The OP isn't going to stick around possibly, and like most will start a new thread on another site.

 

I've seen it happen a bunch before..people return after a few weeks. It is why I will never understand the mentality of "OP has been gone for a few days, close the thread!!" some people have here. I realize this specific OP has been gone more then a few days, but I have 100% seen a mere few days pass and people go "oh well close the thread he isn't coming back".

 

If he doesn't come back then...meh? Nothing has really been lost.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Spectre

[JealousAndInsecure]

Even tho the guy is clearly out of her league? And even tho the OP, who knows his partner much better than any of us do, is convinced she isn't cheating?

 

Nope, this is a jealously issue, pure and simple. As the OP openly admitted.

 

And yes, I have a guy friend who I often play fight and wrestle with, and I have gotten a bruise or two. That means I'm cheating on my fiance? Perhaps I'm missing something here. Playful fighting with a friend is not sex, therefore it's not "cheating". Duh.

 

And the fact that his gf is being totally open about her time with him should remove any red flags. As long as she makes time for OP and her relationship with him, what's the problem?

 

We had some pretty long discussion about this. Her previous boyfriend repeatedly cheated and lied to her, so she feels very strongly about not withholding information or lying. My biggest issue with this was the lack of consideration for pushing trust with such a sketch sounding situation. She's come around to admit that regardless of whether I should implicitly trust her, it was in bad taste to let that situation happen and that, while she will still hang out with him, she won't be there with him late at night. Her former boyfriend (whom she never cheated on) didn't care what she did or who she hung around with so she'd hang with this other person at any hours, and in the months after he (former boyfriend) dumped her she had no reason to limit her when she would hang out with him and watch movies, chat, etc.. I do believe her that she's not physically involved with him due to the openness. I may be wrong in the long run. I guess we'll see.

[JealousAndInsecure]

Life is just too short to put up with this crap from a woman. She has no boundaries, and no consideration for how it makes you feel.

 

<snip>

 

The bottom line is... it makes for a sh*tty relationship and a sh*tty life, and the sooner you cut your losses and move on the better off you'll be. Asking them to change who they are or to change their behavior is just pissing in the wind.

 

This may very well be what kills it. Clear boundaries and sensitivity for how the other person feels are mandatory.

[JealousAndInsecure]

Also.. I am OP. Forgot my login info.

[kgcolonel]

OP, hold your ground and stick to what YOU want in a relationship. If this one doesn't work there will be other opportunities. Doesn't make her a bad person but not a good fit for you (if her boundries don't match yours). For me, I'm with you, this would make me uncomfortable but that's based only on what you've shared about her. YOU definitely know her better.

 

I truly wish you luck and hope this doesn't turn into a heartbreaker.

[smackie9]

We had some pretty long discussion about this. Her previous boyfriend repeatedly cheated and lied to her, so she feels very strongly about not withholding information or lying. My biggest issue with this was the lack of consideration for pushing trust with such a sketch sounding situation. She's come around to admit that regardless of whether I should implicitly trust her, it was in bad taste to let that situation happen and that, while she will still hang out with him, she won't be there with him late at night. Her former boyfriend (whom she never cheated on) didn't care what she did or who she hung around with so she'd hang with this other person at any hours, and in the months after he (former boyfriend) dumped her she had no reason to limit her when she would hang out with him and watch movies, chat, etc.. I do believe her that she's not physically involved with him due to the openness. I may be wrong in the long run. I guess we'll see.

 

Simple open communication is all you have to do, never "assume" they know. Once you both agree on the expectations and boundaries you both need, there will be no more issues. Speak up but also expect her to speak up too. You both are still getting to know each other and it is crucial to understand where you both are coming from. I hope things work out better for you.

[autumnnight]

She feels that maybe she shouldn't be so honest with me if i'm not going to trust her anyhow.

 

THIS veiled threat makes her view very clear. If this is her response to your legitimate need to feel safe, something is very off.

[Chi townD]

I agree with the other poster that said if they met up at a bar or a late night coffee shop, that would be one thing. But, to be alone at his place with a person she used to be intimate with....that's crossing a line. And a good rule of thumb, cheaters will only confess to what you can prove. And since you have no idea what happened between closed doors, then she's going to tell you that nothing happened because you can't prove otherwise. What's also a solid deal for her is, is that this guy isn't interested in her for a relationship. Just someone to have sex with. So, she knows this guy isn't going to "rock the boat" with her current relationship.

 

 

Now, am I positive that she physically cheated on you? Nope. But, it doesn't look good. But, in a way, she did cheat on you. She spent the night with another dude. She cheated you out of a night to be with her. To lounge around and cuddle (just like she did with him). She cheated you out of that. if the shoe was on the other foot, to you HONESTLY believe that you spent the night in private with a girl you used to sleep with and you told her that nothing happen, do you really believe she would buy that?!?!?

 

 

I'm not a betting man, but my money would be on that you would be single right now.

[Jersey born raised]

Who,s place is where you live? Apt - who on then lease. Hone- who is OM the deed.

 

More invovled then trust, Compare it to taking a shower daily at this point.

[qubist]

OP: no one here can confirm for sure that had sex, only the 2 of them know the answer to that, but it is obvious that she isn't considering your feelings in regard to their friendship. At best she is immature and not a long term relationship material, at worst she is cheating on you with this guy.

I personally find it hard to believe she isn't involved with him sexually for the following reasons:

1- you said that the guy is known for open relationship and she admited he had asked her for sex in the past, which tells he has no respect for you monogamist relationship.

2- staying at his place till 2 is not normal in the standards of anybody I have met.

3- in your other thread you talked about her keeping all her phone and computer conversation secrete and insist on keeping them away from you. This to me the mother of all red flags.

Life is short, I wouldn't pull up with this. if I were you I would demand she cut all ties with this guy period. You can't force her to do it but you can control what you can do. Which is leaving her because in that case she is either a cheater or not ready for serious relationship

[Qboro90]

Sorry but there's no chance she's spending so much time in contact with and alone at other guys houses without hooking up with them. You can believe the slimmest of slim chances that it's totally platonic but if you want to deal with reality then ditch this chick ASAP cuz she's cheating on you and manipulating you to think you're the one with issues.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry but her saying she will still hang out with him, but just not alone or at night is NOT good enough, period. Either this guy is out of her life forever or you should be out.

 

I mean it takes some damn audacity for her to say she will continue to hang with him. After what she pulled? No, any sane female would recognize she is just playing with fire by having this prick in her life. It's the friend or the boyfriend and this honestly should be a no brainer as to who you pick.

 

So she messes up and the only thing she is willing to do is not hang around alone at night. Aww, how special she is and how considerate of your feelings. Truly this is someone who will one day make a great wife. I know it turns me on when I point out a girl is acting shady and she says "maybe I just won't be honest with you anymore". Just yum..so much love I feel when a girl says that. It's just so chalk full of respect, love, and understanding.

 

Hell OP please break up with your girl because she sounds super awesome to the point where *I* want to date her. You just do not deserve a diamond in the rough such as this. You will never learn to appreciate her dishonesty or overall shady ways, set her free so a real man can step up and give her what she deserves: not ever questioning a single shady thing she does. I'd treat her well, I'd always wear nothing but white shirts so everyone could see with crystal clarity the boot marks on my back.

 

Love..love will keep us together(love and dishonesty). Stop, cuz I really love you, stop..I've been cheating on you. Look in your heart and know love will keep us together.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Spectre

[crederer]

I don't know any guy that would tolerate this. Even if she isn't cheating (I'm pretty sure she is) it's disrespectful as hell to do this to you. Do you not feel emasculated? To have your gf go over to a guys place she's had sex with, him trying to have sex with her now, while you sit at home diddling your thumbs?

[Spectre]

I don't know any guy that would tolerate this. Even if she isn't cheating (I'm pretty sure she is) it's disrespectful as hell to do this to you. Do you not feel emasculated? To have your gf go over to a guys place she's had sex with, him trying to have sex with her now, while you sit at home diddling your thumbs?

 

Some guys have been conditioned to be saps and think that behavior like this isn't shady it is just her being a healthy independent woman who is not sexually repressed.

 

All the cool kids are hanging out alone with men they used to bang and then whining when called on it by their boyfriends. Then to show lots of people are popping the crazy pills these days..some people don't think this girl did anything wrong even if she didn't cheat.