Does she like me like that? Do I like her like that?

[Gary E]

Or am I losing what little grip I have left?

 

Here's the story, friends. I'm 39, male, and have been divorced for two years, no children. I have a female friend, 36, also divorced, and has a teenage son who now lives with his father in another state. She and I have been friends for 5-6 years. At first it was more of a casual friendship, we met through mutual friends, that kind of thing. We've never even lived in the same city. But she was a great source of support to me when I was going through my divorce and we've become significantly closer since then. (She also tried setting me up with a friend of hers, let's just say it didn't work out.)

 

Over the last year we've become even closer. I've always been one of those guys who has as many girl friends as guy friends, and we confide in each other a lot. She tells me all about her constant and short-lived relationships; she's very outgoing and can strike up a conversation with anyone, which leads to a lot of dates. Thing is, she never seems able to hang on to anyone. Her love life is a soap opera. She's had me read long text message conversations she's had with guys who gave her the runaround; she wears her heart on her sleeve and I think it freaks guys out. Or maybe they just get tired of listening to her talk all the time.

 

But for all the things that drive you crazy about her, she's also a very strong, determined woman. She was married at 19, gave birth to her son on her wedding night, moved to another country with her husband for a while, came back here, got a college degree, got a divorce, and soldiered on as a single mother. She is one of the most resilient people I've ever met. I told her recently that I admire her because "you just take blow after blow and just keep going. I stub my toe and I want to give up on everything."

 

A couple months ago we got together so she could support me at something I was doing. (Oh hell, no one on here knows me, so I'll just tell you. I used to dream of being a stand-up comic and dabbled with it when I was in college, and for the first time in almost 20 years I tried my hand at it again at an "open mic" night, and I was damn good at it if I do say so myself.) We went to some bars and clubs and everywhere we went she would just start talking to people and say, "This is my friend, he's doing a stand-up act later tonight!" And I felt even closer yet. She told me I should come move to her city; she even suggested I move into the same apartment complex where she lives. And I was really excited about the idea. I could use a fresh start, and the thought of being near her all the time, to the point that I could just walk over to her place at any time seemed like a great idea.

 

A while back I told her how I felt about her. I told her I loved her. As a friend, that is, and I meant it. I wanted her to know that I cared deeply for her, but as a sister. (Or at least what I think that would feel like since I myself never had a sister, just a brother.) I told her I want her to be happy and I will always be there for her. But I wanted to make it clear that it wasn't a romantic thing, because 1) I didn't feel that way and 2) I lost one other very good friend I had many moons ago when I told her I felt that way about her.

 

Anyway, our mutual friends began to notice we were becoming closer; I heard "is she your girlfriend or what?!" more than once. Then I was talking to another female friend of mine (who doesn't know her) and told her how this gal was telling that she likes it when men are kinda rough with her; i.e., she likes guys to pull her hair (a little) during sex. And this friend told me, "Maybe she's telling you she wants you to pull her hair." (wink wink nudge nudge say no more!)

 

But then again, she's just someone who's like that. She's open about sex stuff, and to be honest, so am I. I've been told "TMI!" my share of times.

 

BUT...

 

In the last month or so the feelings have started to change. I'm starting to feel like I like her that way. This connection between us is so strong. Last Saturday night we were texting back and forth and I just opened up to her about so many things. I told her flat out, "I feel like I can tell you anything." And I kept telling myself it was just how deep our friendship is, but part of me is saying it's more than that. Even though I was happy as heck for her that she was so excited about this guy she was dating. A couple days later, she found out said guy was married... to his second wife... who he started having an affair with while he was married to his first wife. She was crushed, and I was more than happy to help her through it. I just keep having this brotherly instinct over her... but I'm afraid it's becoming more than that.

 

Then again, there are things I don't like about her. We both have very strong political views, and hers are the polar opposite of mine. I had to "unfollow" her a while on Facebook because she kept posting statements I found offensive. Recently she posted one of these things and "tagged" me on it, asking if I agreed. I just said something funny and left it at that.

 

Another thing is she's become religious and goes to church every week. I was raised in a particular religion, and even went to a religious school for many years, but I am definitely not religious anymore. I'm not quite an atheist, I guess I don't know what I believe. But I DON'T go to church, and that's final. (The weird thing is that for someone so religious, she's rather... loose, if you know what I mean. She'll go to bed with a guy on the second date. Me, I get embarrassed asking a waitress at a restaurant for more bread.)

 

Thirdly, one time when I was visiting her I was absolutely horrified with how she treated her son. She wasn't abusive, mind you, but she just treated him like a child, and I don't say that flippantly. I felt so bad for this poor kid, and I wasn't the least bit surprised when he announced that he was going to go with his dad and stepmom and half-siblings when they moved to the other state. My GOD did she embarrass him!!!

 

And yet, I can't help but feel this feeling that maybe there's more between us. It's very possible she does not feel that way at all. Or it's possible that she's denying it to herself like I am. Or that one day she'll be talking to one of her friends who'll say, "have you ever thought you'd like him to pull your hair?" and all of a sudden she'll start to think of me that way. Or maybe I'm just a confused, lonely man on the verge of a midlife crisis who is looking to grab onto the closest thing he sees to a sure thing right now.

 

What I'm trying to say is that if there's something here, I don't want to walk away from it out of fear or because of what happened with the other girl many years ago. If it's not right, I'm fine with that. But I also don't know what to make of this. So any help would be appreciated.

 

It just occurred to me, though, that maybe the answer is to move to her city and see what it's like being near her more often. I do that a lot; ask people for advice and then figure it out myself while I'm asking them.

 

Thoughts?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

You don't sound compatible and you two have put each other deep in your respective friend zones.

[casey.lives]

It sounds like you need to keep observing things, there's nothing compelling.

[Gary E]

Yeah, the more I think about it the more it seems like a bad idea. I just had to "talk" about it in order to sort it all out. For all her faults she's a deep, caring, wonderful person but the differences between us are too great. We've got a "Will and Grace" thing going on. Except that I'm not gay.

[GypsyGirl966]

One of the best things you can do to sort something out is to talk it out or write it out. Staying trapped in one's head is almost always a bad idea. You just took a fairly comprehensive inventory of your friendship and feelings about her here. Good for you.

 

The thing that caught my attention the most is that you are horrified with how she treated her son, and that her relationships are short-lived. You also view her as strong and tenacious, and yourself as prone to being a 'quitter'. Huge pause here, would being romantically involved with her result in her building you up and showing you how to be more confident and resilient in life, or would she 'run over the top' of you?

 

On the other areas of concern, I personally look for people with similar religious and political views. I expect there to always be some divergence of beliefs, that's reality, but the polar opposite is begging for constant conflict and disrespect, IMHO.

 

For me, religion in particular, is a non-starter. I am an agnostic pluralist, where I look for the good in all religions but choose to follow none. I will not date anyone who follows a faith that is an either / or belief system and requires recruitment. In other words, the faiths that dictate they are 'the one true way' and that doing god's work requires that they 'show me the way'. Relationships are hard enough without one person continually subtly disrespecting the other's belief system by trying to "recruit" that person to a new belief system.

 

Just my $.02.

[Gary E]

Well I do think she would help me be more resilient, because she's doing that already. But again, the more I think about it, the more I think we're better off strictly as friends. It's strange though... most times when people suggest to me that I start exercising, lose weight, etc., my first response is:

But for some reason, when she tells me I should exercise and lose weight, I'm like, "You're totally right. I should." Granted, I haven't actually joined a gym yet or anything, but I'm at least thinking about it a lot more than I usually do. I may just convince myself to do it. (She's told me that if I move over by her she's going to drag me to the gym with her by my hair if she has to.) My childish, stubborn reflex to ignore unsolicited advice vanishes around her. I don't know why. Like I said, there's this deep bond between us that's so strong, that's why maybe it was meant to be romance.

 

BUT... like you said, the politics/religion thing is just too much to overcome. That was one good thing about my marriage was that we had the same views in both those departments. I have no problem with religion if it brings people peace and happiness in their lives. Unfortunately all too often it is used to damage peoples' lives, and that's what I can't forgive. At the height of the AIDS epidemic in the '80s, we were told at the religious school I went to that this was God's way of punishing homosexuals. I am not making that up.

 

As for the thing with her son, I would LOVE to be his stepdad. He is a cool kid with a good head on his shoulders considering all he's been through in his young life. But after the way she treated him that night, I just don't think I could ever see myself with her. Then again now that he is almost an adult she won't treat him like that anymore. But based on my own experiences in life, she probably will.

 

I still very much want to move over by her and be around her more. The questions about falling in love with her, I think I was just working out my own emotions because I realize now it couldn't be. I may be wrong; maybe if we're around each other more things will wind up going in that direction. But I'm NOT moving over there expecting that or even hoping to make it happen. I love her as a person, I really do. But I think that's all it will ever be.

[Truth34]

One thing that I think about in this situation is this:

 

You two are the best of friends and get along great. While getting romantic with such a friend has its amazing perks, it can also ruin everything if stuff starts to go sideways. Then you have lost your friend, your support, and your lover. Talk about a trifecta.

 

But the upside is amazing. Its just a tough pill to swallow, knowing the immense crumbling that could occur.