Do we have a shot at a second chance?

[isthmus]

Like most people here, I'm feeling pretty heartbroken over a recent break up and looking to get some perspective. Our story is a little unusual, which only makes things more confusing. Apologies in advance if it's a little long.

 

We're both in our mid to late 20s, and were friends for about 4 years. There was some mild flirting at this point, but nothing more, as I was about to move overseas for two years to study. I left, but from the moment I left, we started messaging every day, good morning and good night texts every day, and slowly fell for each other. I visited home after about 6 months, and the first time we saw each other, we spent the night together and then saw each other every day for the two weeks I was home.. we were both blissfully happy and it was clear we wanted to be together.

 

I went back overseas again and after another 6 months, he came and visited me and we travelled together for a month. Everything was fine and we'd never had a problem with the long distance... we messaged all day and every day. Until a few months later. He got drunk at a party at his house, and slept with an old work colleague of his. Needless to say, my world came crashing down.

 

He immediately confessed, didn't try to make any excuses, and told me everything I wanted to know. He said he would do anything to make it up to me. I decided to try to forgive him, because I know people make mistakes, and I know he was truly remorseful. He cut all contact with her, and made a lot of sacrifices for me. We both put a lot of effort into our relationship to make it work, given it was long distance, and now we had this infidelity to deal with as well. He would make time to call me every day, watch movies or tv shows with me, read books with me, let me know where he was going and who with, leave early from nights out with friends to talk to me etc etc.

 

My anger slowly faded, but it still affected me a lot. We started fighting all the time, even though in my head, I really believed he would never do it again and had really learnt his lesson. There were just a lot of emotional triggers and we would both end up getting upset.

 

We did this for a whole year. Fighting constantly, but at the same time... falling more in love with each other, against all odds. I never thought it possible at the time, but I actually fell in love with him after he had cheated. We were madly in love and it amazed me that we could fight through long distance and trust issues and still feel so strongly for each other. But we couldn't figure out a way to stop fighting. Deep down, I think he began to resent me for all the 'sacrifices' he'd had to make to 'make up' for his mistake. Looking back, we should've taken a break from each other at least for some time, but we were both so afraid to lose each other.

 

Anyway, when I came home after two years, we were still fighting, but still seeing each other every day. I guess in both our heads we thought this might be a 'fresh start' for us to stop the cycle of fighting... but it wasn't. I was struggling with the reality of coming home, being unemployed, finding a home etc. It was a stressful time and our relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand it.

 

Two months after I got home, he finally got tired of all the fighting, being upset and crying all the time. He broke it off. I was devastated.

 

It's only been two weeks since we broke up, and we have been in contact but haven't seen each other. During this time, I've decided that I do want him back... but he seems closed to the possibility because 'nothing has changed to stop us from being destructive'.

 

But to me, having this break/space is a change. It's our chance for a new start, if only a slow one.. so we can start building a new relationship and leave the bad parts behind. Am I being delusional in thinking we can start again? I feel like all our problems stemmed from that 'one event', we'd never got the chance to see how we'd be as a couple, in the same city, without this event hanging over us. Despite his mistake, I still think he is a good person, the best person I've been with, and has really made me feel loved.

 

Do you think our relationship has a chance for a 'reset'?

[Candle037]

I would stay away for a while and get some perspective. You do need a break and it sounds like a cycle you and him got involved in for fighting. Take some time to take care of you and in the future whatever you both want will happen. There is never a reset button unless both parties agree to work on issues. I think a breather will help you out to find out what you want and your boundaries.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wait, so he cheats on you, and you're the one who is supposed to be begging him for a chance??? Sure, you were angry, but considering what he's done, it's not even a tiny amount of what he deserves for what he's done (alcohol is not an excuse for cheating). Now he is acting all hurt? Because you got angry and fought? I think you should not give your feelings away to someone who doesn't value you much to understand where you're coming from, what you're dealing with, and to take responsibility for his actions and to truly be apologetic and act like he really regrets it.

[kendahke]

Do you think our relationship has a chance for a 'reset'?

 

No because he doesn't want to reset it.

 

He got drunk at a party at his house, and slept with an old work colleague of his. I decided to try to forgive him, because I know people make mistakes

 

A mistake is using salt instead of sugar in the cake recipe. Screwing someone who you know is not your girlfriend when you're supposed to be in a committed relationship is not a mistake. You cannot be that close to or inside of another human being and not know they aren't your girlfriend. Being drunk is no excuse.