Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Inquiring minds want to know. How was the kiss? Strangely enough it was good Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 RW, may I be blunt? You are way over-thinking this! You dated him a few times, you don't like him (for whatever reasons), so just tell him you're not feeling it and don't want to pursue it further. Bam, done. Why all this over-analyzation? Wasted energy IMO. He is not the guy for you, you did good job weeding him out early. Seriously, who cares if he has Aspergers, or is a misogynist, or just an awkward boob? Does it matter? You're just not feeling it, which is your prerogative! No wonder my fiance finds me such a breath of fresh air. Some people really know how to make mountains out of molehills. Just tell him you're not feeling it, wish him well and move on, sheesh! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 RW, may I be blunt? You are way over-thinking this! You dated him a few times, you don't like him (for whatever reasons), so just tell him you're not feeling it and don't want to pursue it further. Bam, done. Why all this over-analyzation? Wasted energy IMO. He is not the guy for you, you did good job weeding him out early. Seriously, who cares if he has Aspergers, or is a misogynist, or just an awkward boob? Does it matter? You're just not feeling it, which is your prerogative! No wonder my fiance finds me such a breath of fresh air. Some people really know how to make mountains out of molehills. Just tell him you're not feeling it, wish him well and move on, sheesh! Because 1) I like to learn from my mistakes and poor choices 2) I'm interested in human behaviour 3) I think there's a lesson to be learned in every experience and 4) I'm not shallow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) Because 1) I like to learn from my mistakes and poor choices 2) I'm interested in human behaviour 3) I think there's a lesson to be learned in every experience and 4) I'm not shallow You can still do all that without shaming a guy to the nth degree on a freaking message board...for six pages. And for the record, I am the same as you...in that I like to learn from mistakes and experiences and grow stronger and more insightful as a result. That is not what you are doing here IMO. You are shaming him. And trashing him which is not right, no matter how you want to spin it. JMO. Good luck. Edited October 10, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 He said that if he was dating offline women would be less likely to get away with ghosting him as he might easily bump into them socially and they wouldn't be able to escape from him LOL, he DOES have a way with words, doesn't he? Ok, but seriously, quite probably you are picking up on a cluster of things in regards to his way of thinking, his habits and mannerisms and just overall awkwardness that make you not want date him. I think once you get to the point where you don't want to kiss him ever again, you have your answer--you should break it off. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Just do the right thing for you and to be kind to him when you break up. Disappearing on him, making him wait for an answer about when or if you agree to tomorrow are both not that kind. You can do your internal analysis and learn from the experience afterward. There seems to be no question that you are sure you don't want to keep dating him. I think the only part you are hesitating on is breaking the news to him. It's not easy but important to be the person you want to be in these moments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 LOL, he DOES have a way with words, doesn't he? Ok, but seriously, quite probably you are picking up on a cluster of things in regards to his way of thinking, his habits and mannerisms and just overall awkwardness that make you not want date him. I think once you get to the point where you don't want to kiss him ever again, you have your answer--you should break it off. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Just do the right thing for you and to be kind to him when you break up. Disappearing on him, making him wait for an answer about when or if you agree to tomorrow are both not that kind. You can do your internal analysis and learn from the experience afterward. There seems to be no question that you are sure you don't want to keep dating him. I think the only part you are hesitating on is breaking the news to him. It's not easy but important to be the person you want to be in these moments. This makes perfect sense. It's a bit late here to call him. Texting him seems a bit cold though Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 well yeah, just do it in the morning tomorrow. It will be like you are answering the question about getting together, as in "actually I don't think that's a good idea. I've been thinking" and then what I said before or your own version of. I wouldn't text him; that is cold--unless he bombards you with texts to find out what's going on tomorrow or what's up with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Because 1) I like to learn from my mistakes and poor choices 2) I'm interested in human behaviour 3) I think there's a lesson to be learned in every experience and 4) I'm not shallow Regarding poor choice, review his profile to see why you thought he was compatible. He's not being paid to take part in a social experiment so don't use him as one. Lesson is to not keep seeing someone you don't like. Because you don't want to seem shallow you are trying to justify not seeing him while the truth is you just don't like him and that's fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Regarding poor choice, review his profile to see why you thought he was compatible. He's not being paid to take part in a social experiment so don't use him as one. Lesson is to not keep seeing someone you don't like. Because you don't want to seem shallow you are trying to justify not seeing him while the truth is you just don't like him and that's fine. You are wrong. I have not just taken a random disliking to a great person. Instead there are some blatant red flags here and that is why I have decided not to continue dating him. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You are wrong. I have not just taken a random disliking to a great person. Instead there are some blatant red flags here and that is why I have decided not to continue dating him. I never said anything about a random dislike. If we don't like someone there is usually a good reason for it. His personality sounds really off. I wouldn't like him either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I never said anything about a random dislike. If we don't like someone there is usually a good reason for it. His personality sounds really off. I wouldn't like him either. Correct. I have no need to "justify" deciding to break up with him to strangers on an Internet forum. I posted to try to get feedback from people who might have experienced anything similar or have insight into why somebody would behave like this. To me it is also healthy to examine why I tolerated things for as long as 4 dates given that upon reflection there were some red flags re his strange behaviour right from date #1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 . To me it is also healthy to examine why I tolerated things for as long as 4 dates given that upon reflection there were some red flags re his strange behaviour right from date #1 Yip, that's probably where you need to look most. Sounds like you have lots of options. So it does seem strange to me you would tolerate it. Just end it though. Dragging it out at this stage isnt helpful or fair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Yip, that's probably where you need to look most. Sounds like you have lots of options. So it does seem strange to me you would tolerate it. Just end it though. Dragging it out at this stage isnt helpful or fair. I have a history of giving people too much benefit of the doubt for too long, both in romantic and platonic relationships. I'm going to examine why I do this. It's not for any lack of other friends or other potential romantic partners. I tend to keep thinking the person deserves more and more chances Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) I have a history of giving people too much benefit of the doubt for too long, both in romantic and platonic relationships. I'm going to examine why I do this. It's not for any lack of other friends or other potential romantic partners. I tend to keep thinking the person deserves more and more chances I suspect it's because you are a nice person, and don't like nor want to hurt anyone's feelings. You are not alone feeling that way, many people continue dating others they don't like and even stay in bad relationships because they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings. But what you don't realize (hopefuy you do now) is that continuing to date someone you don't like is the opposite of nice. It's cruel because you are misleading him. He thinks he has a chance with you, because why else would you continue to date him if you did not like him? So his feelings grow, he becomes more invested, not realizing that the truth is you don't like him and really want to dump him! I know this is not your intention ...but RoseW, what you are doing is actually mean. It is unfair to him, which is why I was hard on you earlier. So yes, big big lesson learned here. After two dates, if you are not feeling it, send a text saying "I enjoyed meeting you, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further. Good luck and wish you the best." Or words to that effect. That would be the kindest and fair thing to do. Life is full of lessons. Good luck..... Edited October 10, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) One final observation. In trying to explain his behaviour he's said that he stopped using his OLD account as soon as he met me. That could be read as meaning the person is so struck by you he has no interest in shopping around. But clearly in this case it seems to mean I'm the only woman he's net all year who didn't instantly reject him Edited October 10, 2015 by RoseWater Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 One final observation. In trying to explain his behaviour he's said that he stopped using his OLD account as soon as he met me. That could be read as meaning the person is so struck by you he has no interest in shopping around. But clearly in this case it seems to mean I'm the only woman he's net all year who didn't instantly reject him �� Welllllll, I wouldn't jump to conclusions about what he really meant with that action unless he told you what he meant by it. That's exactly what got you to start this thread in the first place. Filling in the blanks for the guy you are dating rather than ask for clarification. So this guy is a dud for you--but here's the real deal, some guy you like in the future is going to say the "wrong" thing or something that if you are filling in the blanks for him that you are going to totally misread. With this guy, maybe he meant it in the most positive of ways--like you are so amazing, I didn't want to meet any other girls. Your interpretation of his statement is insight into what your beliefs are about yourself, deep down. You don't think much of this guy, so just find it insulting. But if he had been a different guy, one you really liked, you see how jumping to the conclusion can cause you to sabatogue relationships you care about and hurt your self-esteem. Just as easy to belief a guy who stops looking online is totally into you--maybe that's overly healthy LOL. OR you can just ask the person to clarify what they truly meant. One of the best things you can do to protect your self esteem is worry about you and what you want and take other people's statements as relatively neutral or black/white. If you are assuming they mean something more--just ask. All relationships, even good ones, working on communication is a constant task. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I have a history of giving people too much benefit of the doubt for too long, both in romantic and platonic relationships. I'm going to examine why I do this. It's not for any lack of other friends or other potential romantic partners. I tend to keep thinking the person deserves more and more chances Because you have faith in Humanity and WANT to trust that people can step up to the plate and come up with the goods. You put your faith in them time and time again... I do too, actually. I feel the same way. As my mother once accused me (as if it was a negative trait!) "The trouble (trouble!) with you, *TaraMaiden*, is that you see the Good in everybody....!" I frankly don't view that as a 'troublesome' negative trait, and will continue to do so, because it's paid off more times than it has failed. Don't you drop it either, ok? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I've told him I don't want to continue things. Unfortunately he is insisting on meeting up. Most recent message from him, "it matters to me that those words do not remain a barrier between us" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) Because you have faith in Humanity and WANT to trust that people can step up to the plate and come up with the goods. You put your faith in them time and time again... I do too, actually. I feel the same way. As my mother once accused me (as if it was a negative trait!) "The trouble (trouble!) with you, *TaraMaiden*, is that you see the Good in everybody....!" I frankly don't view that as a 'troublesome' negative trait, and will continue to do so, because it's paid off more times than it has failed. Don't you drop it either, ok? Tara, seeing the good in people IS a positive trait! Problem here is that RoseW does not see any good in him, as evidenced by her posts in this thread describing him... and how he made her feel. She did at first but those feelings vanished after their second or third date. But she continued to date him anyway. Had one (or two) more dates, which isn't horrible, but was still misleading... and gave him hope she may be "the one." Rose, I am happy to hear you ended it ..... you did the right thing! If he keeps pestering you for answers, it's okay to block him.... Please know that. Edited October 11, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Disconnect Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I've told him I don't want to continue things. Unfortunately he is insisting on meeting up. Most recent message from him, "it matters to me that those words do not remain a barrier between us" Uh-oh. Think you'll go? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I've only read a very few posts. He just sounds manipulative & controlling to me. I wouldn't have anything to do with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I've only read a very few posts. He just sounds manipulative & controlling to me. I wouldn't have anything to do with him. Which of his actions made you think manipulative/controlling Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Uh-oh. Think you'll go? There's doesn't seem to be anything to gain by meeting up. I've no idea what he means about a 'barrier' Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I've told him I don't want to continue things. Unfortunately he is insisting on meeting up. Most recent message from him, "it matters to me that those words do not remain a barrier between us" He can't "insist" on you meeting, that's BS. Just explain that you have already told him it's over. And you are sorry but if he continues to contact you will block him. Then follow through if he does. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Which of his actions made you think manipulative/controlling Well the line about how you shouldn't be allowed to see other profiles. And him insisting that you have to meet even though you've told him it's over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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