Guy says he's dating me because he can't get anybody else

[TaraMaiden2]

He can't "insist" on you meeting, that's BS.

Just explain that you have already told him it's over. And you are sorry but if he continues to contact you will block him. Then follow through if he does.

 

I agree.

THis would point to Aspergers again. Doesn't compute/absorb 'no' for an answer... Insists that his way is the way to go...I mean, why would you not see that? Of course, it's logical, right?

 

Don't contact him again at all, and don't respond to any of his approaches.

You've said no, and that's that.

[RoseWater]

further messages:

 

"what I meant is that I don't find very often women that I like going out with and I was surprised that it was easier for you. But then I thought that of course you would have many more chances than I do and I felt a bit embarrassed.

 

"And by this I mean that it is rare for me to meet someone who excites me and makes me curious, not that I don't have many options."

[TaraMaiden2]

'How to contradict yourself and shoot yourself in the foot' lesson 101......

 

.... not that I don't have many options."

 

*snort*

[GemmaUK]

Well the line about how you shouldn't be allowed to see other profiles. And him insisting that you have to meet even though you've told him it's over.

 

Yes, that's exactly it.

 

OP, you've already told him you don't want to continue so just block his number.

[RoseWater]

blocking a person is so ruthless lol

 

He's now messaged that his ex wife turned out to be a lesbian and is now in a serious relationship with a woman.

[RoseWater]

'How to contradict yourself and shoot yourself in the foot' lesson 101......

 

 

 

*snort*

 

I'm so confused now. Maybe I'm even being gaslighted.

[RedRobin]

Did you meet him on Tinder? I don't know about the prostitutes, but I wouldn't be surprised. It is mostly for people who want hookups. If he was on Tinder trying to find a relationship... Then no wonder.

 

About your situation... I doubt his intentions are nefarious. It sounds like you just want a reason to next him... You actually don't need a big reason. If you aren't comfortable for any reason, that's enough.

[RoseWater]

Did you meet him on Tinder? I don't know about the prostitutes, but I wouldn't be surprised. It is mostly for people who want hookups. If he was on Tinder trying to find a relationship... Then no wonder.

 

About your situation... I doubt his intentions are nefarious. It sounds like you just want a reason to next him... You actually don't need a big reason. If you aren't comfortable for any reason, that's enough.

 

True, I don't need a big reason. But with that said I think his behaviour/comments in the past 48 hours = quite a big reason.

 

Slightly off topic but he's also now messaged me to say that he has a history of inadvertently saying offensive things. He says his job is now in jeopardy after he insulted a bunch of his bosses during a meeting. He says he makes comments others interpret as offensive quite frequently.

[TaraMaiden2]

....

Slightly off topic but he's also now messaged me to say that he has a history of inadvertently saying offensive things. He says his job is now in jeopardy after he insulted a bunch of his bosses during a meeting. He says he makes comments others interpret as offensive quite frequently.

 

If that doesn't scream 'Aspergers' I honestly don't know what does.

In your shoes (and I'm not suggesting you do this) I would be tempted to actually ask him whether it's something he's considered....

[RoseWater]

If that doesn't scream 'Aspergers' I honestly don't know what does.

In your shoes (and I'm not suggesting you do this) I would be tempted to actually ask him whether it's something he's considered....

 

I did just ask him! He's denying it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I did just ask him! He's denying it.

 

In that case it's one of three things:

 

1. He's been diagnosed, and he's lying;
   
2. He has/has not been diagnosed, and is in denial;
   
3. He hasn't/he isn't and he's just an idiot.
   

[losangelena]

If that doesn't scream 'Aspergers' I honestly don't know what does.

In your shoes (and I'm not suggesting you do this) I would be tempted to actually ask him whether it's something he's considered....

 

I agree that I think he has aspergers, but I also think that suggesting someone is suffering from a mental or mood disorder, especially in this context, would be met with a lot of hostility. It's not OP's place.

 

Besides, I would be willing to put money on the notion that he is well-aware. He should absolutely be telling OP this, but sometimes people don't reveal those things because they feel it'll drive the other person away (as if the antisocial behavior wasn't enough).

 

I'm sorry you're having so much back and forth this is guy, OP. The only thing I'd suggest is that, since you've explained it to him nicely, and he isn't leaving you alone, that you're completely within your rights to block him. Is any of his despairing really going to get you to change your mind?

[losangelena]

Welp, never mind, too late.

 

OP, you've told him you're over it. Why are you continuing to interact with him? I think that could potentially give some mixed messages.

[RoseWater]

I agree that I think he has aspergers, but I also think that suggesting someone is suffering from a mental or mood disorder, especially in this context, would be met with a lot of hostility. It's not OP's place.

 

Besides, I would be willing to put money on the notion that he is well-aware. He should absolutely be telling OP this, but sometimes people don't reveal those things because they feel it'll drive the other person away (as if the antisocial behavior wasn't enough).

 

I'm sorry you're having so much back and forth this is guy, OP. The only thing I'd suggest is that, since you've explained it to him nicely, and he isn't leaving you alone, that you're completely within your rights to block him. Is any of his despairing really going to get you to change your mind?

 

No, it's not! :bunny:

Edited October 11, 2015 by RoseWater

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree that I think he has aspergers, but I also think that suggesting someone is suffering from a mental or mood disorder, especially in this context, would be met with a lot of hostility. It's not OP's place.

I have to agree. That's why I said that in her shoes I'd be tempted. I don't think weighing everything up, I would have done so. That is just prolonging the agony, and continuing contact with no real purpose. That's why I stated I wasn't suggesting she actually did it....

 

Besides, I would be willing to put money on the notion that he is well-aware. He should absolutely be telling OP this, but sometimes people don't reveal those things because they feel it'll drive the other person away (as if the antisocial behavior wasn't enough).

Quite. Lose/Lose situation....

[RoseWater]

I have to agree. That's why I said that in her shoes I'd be tempted. I don't think weighing everything up, I would have done so. That is just prolonging the agony, and continuing contact with no real purpose. That's why I stated I wasn't suggesting she actually did it....

 

Quite. Lose/Lose situation....

 

After he messaged that detail about his issues at his job my curiosity got the better of me and I just had to ask about the Aspergers thing.

[Disconnect]

I think you should leave it be now, OP. Say you need to go out or something if he's blowing up your phone. Then just ignore anything else he sends.

[losangelena]

After he messaged that detail about his issues at his job my curiosity got the better of me and I just had to ask about the Aspergers thing.

 

OK, but time to put the kibosh on, please. Every time you ask him another question, he thinks he can possibly convince you back. Talk about cruel!

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, I'm sorry, that's just silly.

Really, if after all those red flags you're incapable of quashing that curiosity, seems you're more fascinated by this guy than you first admitted.

 

That's just playing mind-games now, and I don't think he's adequately equipped to be able to do that to any advantage.

 

leave him alone now.

Seriously.

[GemmaUK]

OK, but time to put the kibosh on, please. Every time you ask him another question, he thinks he can possibly convince you back. Talk about cruel!

 

Agreed, leading him on is more cruel than blocking him whether he has any condition or not. .

[road]

I've been on 4 dates with a man I initially thought was gentle, kind and sensitive. On our 4th date I asked him if he'd met many women via the dating sites before. His response was: "Most women I meet just disappear and stop talking to me after a while. I don't think people should be allowed all these options and choice. There will always be somebody younger and more beautiful online. So people should not be given all those options. It's very bad."

 

He went on to say that once you start talking to somebody you click with, you should not be allowed to access profiles of other people as it's unnatural. He also said that in real life it wouldn't happen because none of us would be approached often and we'd meet hardly anyone who'd even give us the time of day. At this point I told him I get approached by men frequently. He looked surprised and sceptical and then said "that is very unusual."

 

In summary, he seemed to be saying most women show no interest in him or drop him quickly without explanation. Further, he seems to imply he is dating me because no other woman is willing to give him the time of day. That's not very flattering, is it? Especially given that I have other options.

 

To give some background. We met through an online dating site. He is 43, intelligent and extremely socially awkward and shy. Average height and average looking. I am 37, attractive, slim, somewhat introverted but socially confident.

 

My dating history is that I've gotten plenty of attention from men but was looking for a man who had some substance to him, meaning somebody who is kind, intelligent and thoughtful rather than just good looking and confident.

 

This guy and I clicked on the first date. The phone contact in between dates has been frequent and very positive. On the 2nd date he was awkward and weird. He looked terrified. But the 3rd date was great. Fast forward to our 4th date, yesterday.

 

He was extremely socially awkward and had the demeanour of a terrified deer. He kept staring at me then looking away in a bashful way, like a giggly schoolgirl kind of. There were loads of awkward silences. It was like he had no initiative all of a sudden. At one point we were at a gallery and he just stood there staring straight ahead in awkward silence until I said "shall we move on then?"

 

Then we went to dinner. During the dinner he said the other people's chatter in the restaurant was very distracting and made him feel anxious. He'd do stuff like grab the bottle and pour some for himself but none for me. Kept looking at me furtively and then looking away.

 

He left me feeling like he doesn't feel I have any value at all and that I was merely the only woman around willing to bother with him.

 

Or am I being too harsh?

 

 

When I saw this thread yesterday I could not get my post to go through. I know a lot has been said since then. Though I still want to address this opening post.

 

 

You question whether he is into you. Well based on what you said I say he is.

 

 

He keeps asking you out on dates.

 

 

The problem is he has no dating skills and his social skills are weak. Many men post on LS how hard is it for them to get dates on OLD. If this man had no problems getting dates he would not be on OLD.

 

 

He assumes that OLD must be hard for women as well. You had to correct that. As soon as you told him you get a lot's of responses from OLD. All you did was ramp up his insecurities to the point of him constantly worrying that, oh boy, here's where I get dumped again.

 

And, just when he has finally gotten a very attractive woman to go out with him. To me you are looking at this the wrong way. He is not implying that he is dating you because you because no other woman will date him.

 

 

That fact may be true that he can not get anyone to date him. What that fact does not show is that if he did not find you attractive in looks and as a person he would not be dating you. He is dating you because he wants to.

 

 

If I was single based on your brief description I would to date a woman that is attractive, slim, socially confident. And so does your BF.

 

 

Men basically can not be changed though they can be given lessons on how to be better.

 

 

Bad teacher, call him out for not pouring you wine.

 

 

God teacher, you see him pouring himself wine, you do not sit back and say nothing to test him to see if he will fill your glass too. You move your glass next to his and say can I have some more please.

 

 

Then as he is filling your glass you slip in the lesson: I like it very much when a man does things for me, thank you.

 

 

He is desperate to have a woman to share his life with. He keeps striking out.

 

 

I think you should stick with him a bit and see if you can guide him to be a better man. Him wanting a relationship with you will motivate him to man up and get there.

 

 

Though as others have pointed out he may have some impairment.

[kendahke]

He likely doesn't have issues but a disability...very different.

 

that distinction is non sequitur--if the woman doesn't want to be bothered, she's not obligated to be bothered.

 

On a first date if they don't raise any red flags you should give people a second date.

No. If the woman feels like going on a second date, then she should make plans. If she doesn't want a second date, she's not obligated to go on one. Like I said, she doesn't owe him anything.

 

People are swamped with all the options they want to find the perfect match. One date just doesn't do it. People are too quick to pass over people because they have all these other online options.

THEY ARE NOT OWED A SECOND DATE. PERIOD. FIN. FULL STOP.

[kendahke]

True, I don't need a big reason. But with that said I think his behaviour/comments in the past 48 hours = quite a big reason.

 

Slightly off topic but he's also now messaged me to say that he has a history of inadvertently saying offensive things. He says his job is now in jeopardy after he insulted a bunch of his bosses during a meeting. He says he makes comments others interpret as offensive quite frequently.

 

If he's that unaware at his age that he puts his means of support in jeopardy, then yeah... boy bye.

[MidwestUSA]

blocking a person is so ruthless lol

 

He's now messaged that his ex wife turned out to be a lesbian and is now in a serious relationship with a woman.

 

If I were in your shoes (and I'm glad I'm not), I'd be tempted to ask if the girls might want a threesome.

 

Okay, don't do that.

 

Just thought the thread could use a light moment.

 

Again, if my job was in jeopardy because of my own behavior, it's not something I'd readily admit to to someone I might want to pursue. He spills everything, doesn't he?!

[joseb]

I'm starting to wonder if he is some sort of compulsive liar.