Guy says he's dating me because he can't get anybody else

[RoseWater]

I'm socially awkward with new people, and she usually asks me tough questions on first dates and get nervous. I never show my best even though I want to show my best. There usually isn't a first few dates but just one short date. One wanted out after 20 minutes so she could do her laundry. I don't know what I did wrong but was nervous. The players I know of have all succeeded and have always been desired.

 

That is really shocking. What led up to her wanting to bail and do her washing after just 20 minutes? Were you having normal conversation?

[kpl]

Guys who are socially awkward are out but somehow the smooth good looking guy who uses women as notches on his bedpost always does well. Of course I'm taking it personally because that guy is a lot like me, except has been married before.

 

i have had my own issues with anxiety so I typically like dating socially awkward people. I don't think it's the awkwardness that is this guy's problem though. His attitude is just mopey and leaning towards bitter. For most, a good partner and someone really interested in you can ease the anxiety slowly over time.

 

Also Rose Water, my guy friends tell me all the time there are prostitutes on TINDER and one was "duped" by one. I thought that was common knowledge. Don't turn is social awkwardness into some OMG he is a complete weirdo you aren't interested...move on. The guy sounds like he is going through some stuff with women in general, I don't think it was about you. It is very hard to appreciate anyone when you don't appreciate yourself.

[Disconnect]

Did you have therapy to get over your social anxiety? I have very mild social anxiety but it doesn't negatively impact my life and I'm still able to do the things I want to do, thankfully.

 

Yes . I had CBT weekly for about 12 weeks, as I recall. It was just a cycle / loop I'd got stuck in where I had a lot of physical anxiety symptoms, doing ordinary / mundane things. Managed to just break the cycle. Turning 30 helped a lot too, maybe that sounds silly, I just seemed to feel more self-assured and cared less about what people think of me.

 

I'm so glad yours is mild and doesn't stop you. x

[Gaeta]

Rosewater: You are blowing this out of proportion. You had 3 perfect dates then he got anxious on your 4th date because it's probably when he is usually being dumped. He's not the only one having huge anxiety after the 3rd date.

 

He is tired of online and the game on there, he should have shed this frustration on a friend not on his date but it's done, it's a faux pas but nothing to be hanging this man on public place. Then he kept the gravy for himself? oh my lord! really honey? you're thinking of dumping the man because on 4th date he did not service you with the gravy? are you looking for excuses to dump him?

 

He sounds sincere in his explanation.

 

Don't look for perfection you will never find it. You had a great time with him date 1-2-3, go on 5th date and see how that goes.

 

As for his philosophy on how online dating should work just laugh it off. It's just talk. I dated a man once that did not believe dinosaurs ever existed and dictature would bring peace to the world. I laughed at him at every opportunity I had and it became an inside joke between us. When you're out in public with this man and he looks at another woman make sure to bring back his comment and tease him with it.

[Disconnect]

Guys commonly accept women with social anxiety but good luck finding a women who accepts it in a guy.

 

Are you sure you're 44?

 

I know women that have accepted it in guys. You need to get out more.

[RoseWater]

Sadly that's what I assume too. Look at all the guys that have good looking faces and athletic figures and are good with words. Of course I'm being settled for because most all women desire these guys but there isn't enough to go around. I don't handed stand how women call that sick, yet give a ive men chance after chance to reform.

 

You assume that if a woman agrees to date you she must not have other options?

[RoseWater]

You're taking all this way too personally. It's online dating. People like different things and you actually don't know why women choose those other men.

 

Which is exactly what is doing Rosewater's guy in. He's stuck in his own storyline and is putting her down and losing her in the process. If he could get out of his own defeatist thoughts, he would stand a chance here. Instead, he's too wrapped up in himself to actually get to know her (or even pour her some wine!). So now she's going to walk away and he will read this as something that confirms his beliefs.

 

He's stuck. But it's not women's fault, it's his own doing.

 

You are right. And I doubt he can see anything wrong with his behaviour on last night's date.

[h0000]

You assume that if a woman agrees to date you she must not have other options?

 

Some guys think "wow im so lucky such a fine woman is willing to date me"

Some guys think "well im pretty sh*t. If she's willing to date me she mustn't be that great herself either/ she probably doesn't have many options either"

[RoseWater]

Some guys think "wow im so lucky such a fine woman is willing to date me"

Some guys think "well im pretty sh*t. If she's willing to date me she mustn't be that great herself either/ she probably doesn't have many options either"

 

This is 100% the vibe I am getting from him. And I don't see how this would change. If I carried on dating him presumably he would bring me down.

[h0000]

This is 100% the vibe I am getting from him. And I don't see how this would change. If I carried on dating him presumably he would bring me down.

 

I actually don't think thats how he thinks after you posting his explanation. Seems like he just worded things wrong.

 

Usually people who thinks like that treats you pretty bad as well. Does he treat you bad?

 

But it does seem he lacks confidence himself.

[kendahke]

he is the common denominator in his interactions with women, so maybe he needs some professional help with his social anxiety and to stop putting the onus on women to forego their right to their preferences and choices just because he doesn't know how to act.

[RoseWater]

I actually don't think thats how he thinks after you posting his explanation. Seems like he just worded things wrong.

 

Usually people who thinks like that treats you pretty bad as well. Does he treat you bad?

 

But it does seem he lacks confidence himself.

 

He doesn't treat me 'badly' as in he's generally not rude or anything. He treats me like somebody who has no other options in the dating arena. As if we are two losers together.

[TaraMaiden2]

He also said a lot of the women on Tinder are "professionals". I asked him what he meant. He said the women are prostitutes. He then went into detail about how these prostitutes had very beautifully presented photos "not like the unflattering photos you and I post on there". .....Another weird detail that is niggling me since our date last night.

 

What...?!

 

Say....WHAT - ?!

 

Your photo was 'unflattering'....?!!?

 

No.

Just..... No. Forget it.

He's massively insecure and must believe you're the same.

Why else would someone like you have agreed to date him...?

 

WHat is it about him that the prostitutes don't want, by the way?

[RoseWater]

he is the common denominator in his interactions with women, so maybe he needs some professional help with his social anxiety and to stop putting the onus on women to forego their right to their preferences and choices just because he doesn't know how to act.

 

This.:bunny:

[RoseWater]

What...?!

 

Say....WHAT - ?!

 

Your photo was 'unflattering'....?!!?

 

No.

Just..... No. Forget it.

He's massively insecure and must believe you're the same.

Why else would someone like you have agreed to date him...?

 

WHat is it about him that the prostitutes don't want, by the way?

 

My photo was taken by my brother who's a professional photographer. It's a very nice photo. Which worries me, because it means this guy is judging everything through his own insecure and rather warped filter. Actually, this guy's own photo was flattering as well. That's why I swiped.

[RoseWater]

I was just cleaning up some stuff in my kitchen when I had a thought. Last night on our date I felt this really weird strong sensation of extreme tiredness sweep over me within minutes of meeting up with him. Initially I thought maybe I hadn't had enough sleep the night before (although I did get 8 hours). But I realise now that my energy tanked almost to zero within minutes or seconds of meeting up with him. I felt overwhelmingly tired. That's very unlike me, I am a lively person.

 

That is such a bad sign.

[TaraMaiden2]

I just think that in comparison to the things you like about him (not sure what they are, I think I missed that in your posts) there are just too many red flags signalling something like too much hard work and drama....

[TaraMaiden2]

I was just cleaning up some stuff in my kitchen when I had a thought. Last night on our date I felt this really weird strong sensation of extreme tiredness sweep over me within minutes of meeting up with him. Initially I thought maybe I hadn't had enough sleep the night before (although I did get 8 hours). But I realise now that my energy tanked almost to zero within minutes or seconds of meeting up with him. I felt overwhelmingly tired. That's very unlike me, I am a lively person.

 

That is such a bad sign.

 

Oh.

My.

Goodness.

 

YES.

 

That is an absolutely crystal-clear sign of being in the presence of an Emotional Vampire.

[Disconnect]

I can't believe he said that about your photo.

 

It's just another planet...

 

OP, have you read the 'worst date you've ever been on thread' yet? Yours wouldn't be too out of place there.

[RoseWater]

I can't believe he said that about your photo.

 

It's just another planet...

 

OP, have you read the 'worst date you've ever been on thread' yet? Yours wouldn't be too out of place there.

 

The photo comment wasn't even especially bad in comparison to all the other stuff he said!

[losangelena]

def doesn't sound like aspergers at all. He sounds like he may just be a little defeated right now. I am sure it stems from his divorce, just didn't sound like he bounced back well.

 

I beg to differ about the aspergers thing. To me it sounds like he's definitely on the spectrum.

 

He's socially awkward, has no verbal filter, distracted by loud noises, has weird physical ticks, is better over text. I don't know if any of those were obvious during their first three dates, but to me it sounds quite obvious. Not that it makes me an expert or anything, but I went on a date once with a guy who has aspergers. It was about the first thing out of his mouth when we sat down, I guess as a way to warn me. He started off fine, but got increasingly distracted by the end, to the point where he was talking to other people.

 

No matter though, OP, I think you're taking this way too personally. I don't think he was trying to take you down a peg, I just think he made some comments that later caused to stick his foot in his mouth.

 

Like usual with early dating, if you come across behavior that's unacceptable, you cut ties and move on. You're never going to understand what exactly he means about the Tinder prostitute comment, so speculating is a bit of a waste of time.

 

If you're over it, cut ties and move on. If you want to give him another chance, do so.

[xxoo]

Whether this guy is intentionally knocking you down or truly socially clueless, the issues are his and his alone.

 

I'd be losing interest fast. Are you? If so, just stop seeing him. There is no reason to carry his comments with you, other than as funny stories of dating nightmares. Don't waste energy trying to understand everyone you meet, and certainly don't let the opinions of random people you meet (and reject) influence your opinion of yourself.

[RoseWater]

I beg to differ about the aspergers thing. To me it sounds like he's definitely on the spectrum.

 

He's socially awkward, has no verbal filter, distracted by loud noises, has weird physical ticks, is better over text. I don't know if any of those were obvious during their first three dates, but to me it sounds quite obvious. Not that it makes me an expert or anything, but I went on a date once with a guy who has aspergers. It was about the first thing out of his mouth when we sat down, I guess as a way to warn me. He started off fine, but got increasingly distracted by the end, to the point where he was talking to other people.

 

No matter though, OP, I think you're taking this way too personally. I don't think he was trying to take you down a peg, I just think he made some comments that later caused to stick his foot in his mouth.

 

Like usual with early dating, if you come across behavior that's unacceptable, you cut ties and move on. You're never going to understand what exactly he means about the Tinder prostitute comment, so speculating is a bit of a waste of time.

 

If you're over it, cut ties and move on. If you want to give him another chance, do so.

 

I can't think of a compelling reason to give him another chance. So I will not see him again.

[RoseWater]

Whether this guy is intentionally knocking you down or truly socially clueless, the issues are his and his alone.

 

I'd be losing interest fast. Are you? If so, just stop seeing him. There is no reason to carry his comments with you, other than as funny stories of dating nightmares. Don't waste energy trying to understand everyone you meet, and certainly don't let the opinions of random people you meet (and reject) influence your opinion of yourself.

 

I have lost interest. There is no way I could ever kiss him again. While I will not be able to fully understand his actions, I prefer to at least figure some of it out to help me know what to avoid in guys I will meet in the future.

[xxoo]

I have lost interest. There is no way I could ever kiss him again. While I will not be able to fully understand his actions, I prefer to at least figure some of it out to help me know what to avoid in guys I will meet in the future.

 

I think you did well recognizing this one. 4 dates? That's a good balance between giving someone a decent chance and not wasting time and investment on the wrong person. That's the purpose of dating.