Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I beg to differ about the aspergers thing. To me it sounds like he's definitely on the spectrum. He's socially awkward, has no verbal filter, distracted by loud noises, has weird physical ticks, is better over text. I don't know if any of those were obvious during their first three dates, but to me it sounds quite obvious. Not that it makes me an expert or anything, but I went on a date once with a guy who has aspergers. It was about the first thing out of his mouth when we sat down, I guess as a way to warn me. He started off fine, but got increasingly distracted by the end, to the point where he was talking to other people. No matter though, OP, I think you're taking this way too personally. I don't think he was trying to take you down a peg, I just think he made some comments that later caused to stick his foot in his mouth. Like usual with early dating, if you come across behavior that's unacceptable, you cut ties and move on. You're never going to understand what exactly he means about the Tinder prostitute comment, so speculating is a bit of a waste of time. If you're over it, cut ties and move on. If you want to give him another chance, do so. Who was he talking to? Strangers? As for this guy on each date he has very suddenly become distracted and had to get up and immediately leave whatever venue we are in to walk around or something. On the 2nd date at one point he was just standing staring into space, completely unable to hear me or interact at all. And he wasn't at all drunk or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Who was he talking to? Strangers? As for this guy on each date he has very suddenly become distracted and had to get up and immediately leave whatever venue we are in to walk around or something. On the 2nd date at one point he was just standing staring into space, completely unable to hear me or interact at all. And he wasn't at all drunk or anything. Yes, strangers. RoseWater, this guy totally sounds like he has at least mild aspergers. Again, we don't know unless he says something, but to be distracted/anxious enough by crowd noise that he has to go walk it off? Even if he ISN'T on the spectrum, that is behavior that's difficult to deal with in a dating situation. I can see how the process could be frustrating for him. I don't think many women want to deal with it. It's not like there's anything wrong with being someone with aspergers or dating someone who has it, but it just makes it that much more difficult. The first piece of advice I read on one website about it said, "don't take anything personally!" True, but very difficult. I think you did right by moving on. That's your preference, so don't worry about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 It's really odd. I don't know anything much about aspergers and autism but does any of his behaviour suggest traits relating to either of these? He also reacts very negatively to any form of chatter and gets distracted and will want to immediately leave the restaurant and go for a walk. It's like he can't focus and is so distracted that he can't even eat or talk or behave normally. Well when I first read the title of your post, it's a no-brainer: that's an immediate drop him/get out of there. However, I think he just didn't express himself well and doesn't mean it in the way you are taking it. Bottom line though: i think that there are enough things that you have pointed out that would make it very difficult to have a relationship with him. Not that he's a bad person but you've already pointed out things that I don't think you could you really live with if you were to become serious or LTR, right? The social awkwardness, inability to concentrate, the "pouring" incident (which would be more of a red flag to me than his comment which i just think got all jumbled up--because not pouring for you shows he is not thinking of you, is self-centered; this is a clear message of that whereas the comment is not so clear but also may be saying that he can only see things from his perspective). Unless you are smitten, I would let him go just because he's not good enough for YOU, not because of the comment. Guys we love say stupid things all the time and straighten them out much like this guy did. But I don't think you feel enough there that all the other things he is make this worth it for you. He's not a bad person, he's just not up to your standards. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 i've given socially awkward men chances before and i think a lot of their weirdness comes from too much time alone. they have an over-abundance of theories on everything, including dating and relationships. they seem to be experts on dating - or believe they are - because they have studied it from a distance. they don't actually know much, and i have felt more like an experiment for them, or addition to some study. he is probably clueless about how you feel. but.. i don't think he's entirely wrong to assume that someone awkward and introverted would not be approached often, it makes sense that your own introversion would ward off suitors too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 He has asked for us to meet up tomorrow to discuss things in person. I can't bring myself to meet though. I just want to move on. But without hurting his feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 i've given socially awkward men chances before and i think a lot of their weirdness comes from too much time alone. they have an over-abundance of theories on everything, including dating and relationships. they seem to be experts on dating - or believe they are - because they have studied it from a distance. they don't actually know much, and i have felt more like an experiment for them, or addition to some study. he is probably clueless about how you feel. but.. i don't think he's entirely wrong to assume that someone awkward and introverted would not be approached often, it makes sense that your own introversion would ward off suitors too. My experience as an introverted yet sociable woman is that this trait does not ward men off at all. It would take a whole lot more than a degree of introversion for men to decide not to pursue a woman they find physically attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 He has asked for us to meet up tomorrow to discuss things in person. I can't bring myself to meet though. I just want to move on. But without hurting his feelings. If you really feel that sure and strongly, just tell him today that you don't see it working out between you two. Make sure you are direct and clear. I think a phone call is fine. If you want to be kind, that is the thing to do: be direct so they can move on too. Since he is likely to in his own head blame it on bad comment incident--and have major regrets and try to fix that--what you want to do is tell him that's not the reason itself, it just got you to think about the relationship's potential and you don't think there is enough there between you two. And then wish him best in future and in finding the right person for him. That's what I would do. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Tobin Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 There's good reason why women date him a few times and disappear. Welcome to the club Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 My experience as an introverted yet sociable woman is that this trait does not ward men off at all. It would take a whole lot more than a degree of introversion for men to decide not to pursue a woman they find physically attractive. are the guys actually asking you out though? there is a difference between being approached and flirted with and being asked out on dates. if you're that physically attractive i'm not certain you'd need this socially inept guy at all because you'd be capable of meeting someone less awkward, right? just saying that i can see where his comment comes from because it makes logical sense. which is probably how he is figuring stuff out.. cerebrally and not socially. either way it doesn't sound like you like him at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I found it especially strange that he can be sitting opposite a woman who is obviously not physically unattractive and express such shock that she gets approached by men. And that combined with him grabbing the bottle and pouring only for himself. Prior to this his manners had been on point. Something really seems not right here. Let me try and explain this to you.... With him....he likely has some form of aspergers/ASD. One potention so condition of this is not liking loud noises. In aspergers social awkwardness is typical. What he was saying about OLD is true.... You tend to have more people who aren't serious about it who next people for no or minor reasons. Numerous times people date and pass over very good people because they aren't perfect fantasy. Had they met the old fashioned way without online dating they likely would have had multiple dates and likeky have a Long term relationship. But one is very picky and the greener grass take over. This is seen in economic behavior theory with shoppers: 1. Seen the food sampling table at the supermarket? You sample 4-6 flavor so you likely pick one and repeat purchase. You have something like 15-25 flavors the shopper can't pick one and don't buy. 2. There are two type of shoppers...maximizers and satisfiers. A maximizer will see a blouse they like at one store but they wonder if this is the best option. The maximizer runs to 6-8 other mall stores to see what they have. After searching the maximizer decides and goes to buy the one they want. In the meantime a satisfiers goes into just one store sees the same blouse and buys it. The maximizer is left empty handed because the satisfiers took the only one in that size. These two pieces are also found in OLD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 My experience as an introverted yet sociable woman is that this trait does not ward men off at all. It would take a whole lot more than a degree of introversion for men to decide not to pursue a woman they find physically attractive. Being introverted as a woman is ok because you expect the man to approach you. You get men of a certain personality type who are willing to approach you. I likely wouldn't call you sociable...that's extrovert behavior. Instead with introverts you are sociable among your group of friends but not with random strangers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I would also like to know why he seems to have such detailed knowledge of the prostitutes he claims use Tinder to search for clients. He did tell me he was sure male prostitutes probably operated on Tinder as well. When I explained to him that male prostitutes might not get much trade from female Tinder users because casual sex would be really easy to come by for women, he seemed surprised. He said, "if that level of attention is easy for you you must be very unusual." It's like he thinks I must be undesirable to men otherwise I wouldn't have chosen him! It's well documented that Tinder gas a good number of escorts/prostitutes Tinder Is Full of Robot Prostitutes Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 He has asked for us to meet up tomorrow to discuss things in person. I can't bring myself to meet though. I just want to move on. But without hurting his feelings. his feelings are his to manage. Your job is to stand in your truth and speak it. You don't owe him a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 It's well documented that Tinder gas a good number of escorts/prostitutes Tinder Is Full of Robot Prostitutes and also catfish. Tinder and Badoo are infested with scammers. It's very rare that you meet someone who is real on those OLD sites. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You tend to have more people who aren't serious about it who next people for no or minor reasons. Numerous times people date and pass over very good people because they aren't perfect fantasy. Had they met the old fashioned way without online dating they likely would have had multiple dates and likeky have a Long term relationship. But one is very picky and the greener grass take over. Hardly! If they met in person and not on OLD, they'd see that the guy has issues and most likely would not want to continue further. Also, they aren't obligated to go further *if that is what they choose*. They don't owe the guy a relationship just because he's got social awkwardness and he's lonely. No one is owed anything when it comes to dating. No. Not in a million years will I agree that a woman is obligated to give up her autonomy and submit to some guy just because he likes her. Every person is entitled to their preferences and they are entitled to be picky when it comes to whom they choose to share their intimacy with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I only read the first two paragraphs. It's obvious why these woman end up dropping him like a hot potato.....he's not socially developed, he is clueless on how to behave. He missed his chance to fix this issue in his early teens-20's, now in middle age, it is doubtful behavioral therapy will work. His behavior is locked in. It's up to you on how yo are going to end it. If it were me I would tell him straight up in the most intelligent way possible. And maybe with that information he may seek some help or read some self help books, or at least the mystery will be over for him, that it's not because these women were exposed to more and better options, but that he is frickin weird. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Hardly! If they met in person and not on OLD, they'd see that the guy has issues and most likely would not want to continue further. Also, they aren't obligated to go further *if that is what they choose*. They don't owe the guy a relationship just because he's got social awkwardness and he's lonely. No one is owed anything when it comes to dating. No. Not in a million years will I agree that a woman is obligated to give up her autonomy and submit to some guy just because he likes her. Every person is entitled to their preferences and they are entitled to be picky when it comes to whom they choose to share their intimacy with. I'm not saying that...... Did you read my first post. He likely doesn't have issues but a disability...very different. On a first date if they don't raise any red flags you should give people a second date. The first meeting for many involves nervousness snd anxiety..those aren't red flags. Read paradox of choice.....same concepts apply to online dating. People are swamped with all the options they want to find the perfect match. One date just doesn't do it. People are too quick to pass over people because they have all these other online options. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 OP, another possibility is that this man has swallowed The Red Pill. G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kpl Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 He has asked for us to meet up tomorrow to discuss things in person. I can't bring myself to meet though. I just want to move on. But without hurting his feelings. I do not understand this at all. Why in the world would you care if you hurt his feelings after you have torn this guy apart...practically diagnosed him and claimed he insulted every fiber of your being. I just never get why ppl continue to see ppl who they have a strong aversion to, after the first date. Is it because it gives you something to do? I get that ppl try to see if it is going anywhere but at some point ....I would think after date 2 you have to say this doesn't feel right. Mulling over it and building a strong case against this guy and his personal issues seems unfair. You don't always need a reason to dislike someone it could just not feel right and move on. If you have been in a relationship before you would have to know what seems to make sense and what doesn't, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I have lost interest. There is no way I could ever kiss him again. While I will not be able to fully understand his actions, I prefer to at least figure some of it out to help me know what to avoid in guys I will meet in the future. Inquiring minds want to know. How was the kiss? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Inquiring minds want to know. How was the kiss? I'm not in the 'inquiring minds' camp..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 There's good reason why women date him a few times and disappear. Welcome to the club Have you dated him? ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 are the guys actually asking you out though? there is a difference between being approached and flirted with and being asked out on dates. if you're that physically attractive i'm not certain you'd need this socially inept guy at all because you'd be capable of meeting someone less awkward, right? just saying that i can see where his comment comes from because it makes logical sense. which is probably how he is figuring stuff out.. cerebrally and not socially. either way it doesn't sound like you like him at this point. Of course they are asking me out. Introversion just means you tend not to like large crowds and hectic social environments, not that you lack social skills. Only those very close to me would even realise I'm an introvert Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Being introverted as a woman is ok because you expect the man to approach you. You get men of a certain personality type who are willing to approach you. I likely wouldn't call you sociable...that's extrovert behavior. Instead with introverts you are sociable among your group of friends but not with random strangers. I speak to strangers quite often if I get a good vibe from them. Introversion doesn't mean you lack social skills. It often means that your ideal situation is plenty of solitude/quiet and it's typical to hate super hectic environments like nightclubs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Hardly! If they met in person and not on OLD, they'd see that the guy has issues and most likely would not want to continue further. Also, they aren't obligated to go further *if that is what they choose*. They don't owe the guy a relationship just because he's got social awkwardness and he's lonely. No one is owed anything when it comes to dating. No. Not in a million years will I agree that a woman is obligated to give up her autonomy and submit to some guy just because he likes her. Every person is entitled to their preferences and they are entitled to be picky when it comes to whom they choose to share their intimacy with. He said that if he was dating offline women would be less likely to get away with ghosting him as he might easily bump into them socially and they wouldn't be able to escape from him Link to post Share on other sites
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