Should I stop being so jealous over what my boyfriend does?

[Ashley S]

So, me and my boyfriend are on good terms, cause the reason why he was distant is because he had a big surprise for me, to take me to NJ. Anyways, things have been good, but what bothers me is that he has a lot of female friends, and he is not known for being a player. All the guys, and his friends say he's not the player type, and every girl he slept with was his girlfriend, he is not one to have friends with benefits or anything like that etc. Ok, so he's known for being a loyal dude.

 

However, he did tell me he gets along with females better, and was always closer to females. Well, we went to a bar, to have one drink. There was nothing but old people there, and two young girls come in, and they sat next to us, and he started talking to them. He wasn't flirting, but they quickly left, and he was like "Damn, the only two young people in the bar left." I said "Well, since you are so hellbent on those girls, why don't you chase after them, and get their numbers?" He said "No, I just like to socialize, you need to stop being so insecure." I am insecure for some reason, but I have extreme loyalty, I don't talk to guys, and try to strike up a conversation with guys, so it bothers me that he does that to females, and he has female friends a lot of them, I don't tell him it bothers me though cause I am afraid to be a labeled as a "psycho insecure girlfriend". I am new to relationships, this is my first one. Should I let it go? He claims that he only wants me, and I am going to be the one he marries, and he only cares about me, etc. He confesses his feelings, and they are deep to me all the time, so should I stop being jealous over this? Is he just the type of guy that is close with females? I can take critisizm, so am I right for acting this way? Or am I am being jealous ? Tell me what you think, cause I don't know if I am just insecure or something. Thanks.

Edited October 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lchf]

Well has he been inappropriate with any of his female friends? Has he given you a reason to mistrust him? I'm also a guy with more female friends than male friends. How long have you guys been an item anyway? I swear I've seen more threads from you but I don't think I've read them. Also the lack of communication about how you feel on your side is a mistake in my opinion, assuming you guys aren't really a new couple. I also don't agree with the way you handled the situation at the bar. That definitely sounded a little sarcastic and jealous to me, and I would not appreciate it if my girlfriend said that to me. If you were secure in your relationship and in yourself you wouldn't feel the need to withhold how you feel to him.

 

But then again OP, I judge people by actions and not by words. He may profess his feelings for you etc and that's all well and good. But his actions speak volumes over what he says.

Edited October 10, 2015 by lchf

[TunaCat]

Honestly OP? You do sound insecure & jealous to me.

 

Look, I have several guy friends (I'm a woman) and I have never been inappropriate with them. Not once. It doesn't sound like this guy was inappropriate with these girls either.

 

You need to be able to communicate openly about how you feel about this. Maybe you aren't all that comfortable with a guy you're dating, having lots of female friends. Now feeling that way is not wrong, but neither is him wanting to be friends with these women.

 

It sounds like you two are incompatible.

[anna121]

From the sitch as you described, you were unreasonable.

 

But it can be very hard to change one's feelings. You need to seriously consider whether you can make each other happy. It is not fair to expect him to make such a drastic change in his personality. Expecting him to abide by your "I never talk to guys" is a bit much.

 

Equally, it may not be realistic to expect you to change how you feel.

[Winterina]

The fact that he has female friends says nothing in itself. How is he behaving with them and what do they share with each other is more important.

 

But the situation in the bar - you were right. If he just started flirting with two chicks right in front of you he is blatantly rude and disrespectful.

He did not seem to enjoy your company as he needed action from other people, thus him saying 'damn, the only two young people left..."...

And if you were ignored while his flirting was going on then I feel sorry you had to go through it.

 

Trust your feelings and if you feel something is wrong then it is wrong.

[xcupid]

Insecure and jealous. If you keep that up he won't stay around very long. If you trust him then let it go.

[Oli.]

You're not jealous, you're boyfriend should respect you enough to give you his full attention when you're out on a date together and shouldn't feel the need to talk to random girls.

[Raena]

Someone else said it best... actions speak louder than words. Him chatting it up with 2 females and ignoring you and then complaining when they left says a lot about how he feels about your company. He should be more than happy to be with just you and not feel the need to have other "young" people to chat with. Chatting with them if they happen to be there and he's just being friendly is one thing, but ignoring you to do it and then complaining when they leave is another.

 

The problem with insecurities like this is they don't go away when you have a man acting like that. He isn't making it clear to you that he doesn't "need" the attention of other women.

 

Him having female friends isn't the issue really... it's how he's treating you.

[smackie9]

Ashley you know the drill.....if it doesn't feel right then it's not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ashley, you have created many threads about your boyfriend. It is very clear you don't feel good in this relationship, and based on what you've shared about him (not here, but previous threads) you have a valid reason not to fully trust this guy.

 

It's very obvious you are insecure, but he hasn't shown himself to be the most trustworthy of boyfriends either. This is not a healthy dynamic and it's not all because of you and your general anxiety.

[Heer]

Hi Ashley!! I feel that you and your bf might have differences between interacting with people of the opposite sex. Its ok for your bf to have female friends and you don't need to show "extreme loyalty" and "not speaking to guys". Its fun and healthy to socialize with people that isn't your bf and its probably a good way to make new friends and experience new experiences!!

 

Good luck!! (PS: I love your highlights. I always chicken out when my girlfriends ask me to get highlights or get a new hair color :()

[Nikki Sahagin]

There is nothing wrong with having male or female friends when in a rel but if it doesn't feel right to you, that's enough.

[kendahke]

So, me and my boyfriend are on good terms, cause the reason why he was distant is because he had a big surprise for me, to take me to NJ. Anyways, things have been good, but what bothers me is that he has a lot of female friends, and he is not known for being a player. All the guys, and his friends say he's not the player type, and every girl he slept with was his girlfriend, he is not one to have friends with benefits or anything like that etc. Ok, so he's known for being a loyal dude.

 

However, he did tell me he gets along with females better, and was always closer to females. Well, we went to a bar, to have one drink. There was nothing but old people there, and two young girls come in, and they sat next to us, and he started talking to them. He wasn't flirting, but they quickly left, and he was like "Damn, the only two young people in the bar left." I said "Well, since you are so hellbent on those girls, why don't you chase after them, and get their numbers?" He said "No, I just like to socialize, you need to stop being so insecure." I am insecure for some reason, but I have extreme loyalty, I don't talk to guys, and try to strike up a conversation with guys, so it bothers me that he does that to females, and he has female friends a lot of them, I don't tell him it bothers me though cause I am afraid to be a labeled as a "psycho insecure girlfriend". I am new to relationships, this is my first one. Should I let it go? He claims that he only wants me, and I am going to be the one he marries, and he only cares about me, etc. He confesses his feelings, and they are deep to me all the time, so should I stop being jealous over this? Is he just the type of guy that is close with females? I can take critisizm, so am I right for acting this way? Or am I am being jealous ? Tell me what you think, cause I don't know if I am just insecure or something. Thanks.

 

1. Get away from the thinking of "well I don't do x, so he shouldn't do x either". What he does and what you do are two separate things. If his behavior doesn't jive with yours, then it's a point of power struggle incompatibility that you two are going to argue and fight over again and again and that mess gets real old real fast. Either accept who he is and how he is or bounce, especially if you've brought it up to him already and he's told you to go walk it off. He's not going to change tack.

 

2. Get a handle on your insecurity. Either you believe that who you are is more than enough for anyone or you don't and if you don't, work on that until you do. If he can't appreciate you for who/what you are, then you're with the wrong man and no amount of whining and complaining is going to change that.

 

3. If something bothers you, SPEAK UP! If they dont' like it, then you're with the wrong guy. Stop being lazy. Throw this one back, bait your hook and drop that line in the water again. You can't catch a minnow and then spend your time complaining it's not Chilean Bass. You caught the wrong fish, girl. It's not going to do the job.

 

4. Don't get hung up on a guy who dangles that marriage BS in front of your while telling you to go walk off when his behavior hurts your feelings. He's thinking out loud, not necessarily wanting to bind his life to you forever.

 

5. If what he's doing isn't working, then grow the stones to walk away.

 

6. Be more discerning as to whom you give extreme loyalty. I see that more as a manipulation tactic than a good character trait in this instance. He isn't proving he deserves it.