It's only been 2 months and I might need to move (SF to LA)...but want to keep it up

[tinydancer324]

I've been seeing a guy for 2 months; we were friends for a month before that. We have lots in common and are a great match in a lot of ways. Grew up in the same place, easy to relate to, and the sex is incredible. I have real feelings...

 

7 months ago, I left a marriage that had been over for a long time before that; divorce paperwork has been filed but not cleared. I decided leave where I was (LA) to try living in a new city I'd been curious about (SF), and I got a sublet. I was really sad for a while, tried some dating and had some disasters, but then met the new guy and was so excited to have him as a friend. And felt I could talk to him about what was going on. He has opened up the city for me in many ways, but I don't want to be dependent on him. He has a very well-established life here, and I'm the opposite.

 

It's very promising, but he is definitely a take-it-slow type. He is divorced with a kid. He has known all along that I might not be staying...

 

And now my sublet here in SF is ending, and while I really like him and have some friends here, I feel that, socially and professionally and to heal from my divorce, I kind of need to be based in LA for a while. However, I might have some work reasons to come back to SF regularly, too (I'm self-employed). And I have some family there. He also travels to LA regularly for work (usually just for a day or two, but it's something).

 

It's a 6-hour drive or 45-minute flight. I know plenty of people have relationships and even marriages between the two cities...I just am still in a vulnerable place and I know I need to work on myself and nest, and I don't work in tech, and I don't feel like I have enough of a reason to get an overpriced tiny apartment in the most expensive city in the US.

 

Is it crazy to think I could try to continue dating him anyway? If we got serious, I'd be happy to move back to SF, especially if I can continue to try to spend time and make work contacts there without having to be a total newcomer in this vulnerable state.

 

And--how do I discuss this with him without freaking him out? When I tried to have a "talk" with him after a month, he said that it would put a lot of pressure on it and he didn't want to be the reason for me to stay in a city. But he said he could see it as something long-term and that I was the only person he'd met since his divorce that he felt that way about. But that he wasn't sure he wanted a partner. Which may be him being a dude, or may be the truth.

 

If he were a total romantic and vocal about wanting to be together I might actually stay for him, but if this is going to happen it's going to be a slow burn.

[lchf]

So wait are you guys actually an 'item'? 2 months is a really short space of time to be thinking about long distance. LDRs require committment, communication, sanity, and a large amount of security in yourself and your relationship with your partner. He's right; it will add a lot of pressure onto it and quite frankly if it's only been 2 months it's unlikely to work out for you. These are early days and it doesn't seem like you've built a foundation on which you can lean on yet. Granted 45min flight isn't too bad. My gf is a 10 hour flight away, but we were together for 2.5 years before long distance.

[madjac74]

I don't see any reason why you can't go about your business and work on yourself and keep in touch with him to see how things progress. Yes this relationship may fade away if you move back to LA but what are you losing? a 3 month relationship?

 

Yes a new relationship after the difficulties of a divorce (also called a rebound) are something we cling to and are afraid to give up on but you will meet other people and have other relationships. It's more important for you to just be happy with yourself right now.