Between a rock & a hard place...

[Tarnished]

MM & I have been on & off for two years with a few DDays in there. We are both still in our marriages (both with kids) & our feelings for each other are the strongest they've ever been. It's much more emotional than physical because we are lucky to only see each once a fortnight & that is during working hours where we can't be overly intimate.

 

Our feelings are now such that we want to see more of each other but circumstance prevents it so instead we talk every work day via ph. We are getting to the point where tough decisions need to be made about leaving our families to be together, or trying to give each other up...

 

The biggest issue we have that we cannot overcome however is that he is not prepared to leave his kids & be a part time parent. He says he wants me there when he comes home at night but he just couldn't live without seeing his kids.

 

He keeps saying maybe he needs time to decide but after every thing we've been through together, I believe he should know by now if he wants to make a new life with me.

 

Many times I've tried to say the ph calls & irregular catch ups aren't enough for me now & I want more. I try to leave because I know he will never leave his kids, but he pulls me back every time!!!

 

I'm getting really frustrated with this whole thing & his indecision...

 

(And I should add my husband & I are completely honest - he knows everything that is going on & whilst he doesn't want to lose our family, he knows we can't ever be truly happy together again so is allowing me to try & sort this out. MM's wife knows nothing about what is happening now & thinks he's no longer in contact with me...)

[Poppy47]

I think MM's wife should be brought into the whole discussion. It's not fair to leave her out of it.

 

I don't like your chances of MM leaving if he hasn't even told her yet.

 

Men , it seems, are less likely to leave a marriage. There is too much for them to lose if you aren't a better proposition than the wife. Actually I would say, if he hasn't left or made a plan to move by now, it won't happen.

 

Sorry to seem so negative, but he seems to be making excuses.

 

Poppy.

[privategal]

Seems he is addicted to the emotional bond and cant leave it alone but his reality is he has a family and is trying to say left and right he cant go.

Lust for him...love for you maybe?

He craves that forbidden intimacy he may have lost through parenting and real life responsibility with his wife but wont leave because his family is his true heart.

What he gets from you is desire.

He craves that but thats not true love.

Your willing to trade it all if he could be all in...but he cant.

It doesn't look like hes leaving.

Whenever you make up after periods of stress and NC the love seems strong and thats what people become addicted to.

[lemondrop21]

I respectfully disagree a bit with private in that I think it very well could be love on his end, but it may not matter anyway. It seems like his indecision is actually a decision - by saying he can't imagine not seeing his kids every day, and by not telling his wife, and by making no moves towards a future, he is making a decision. If his marriage was dead before you, then kids may be what was propping him up emotionally before you came along, so if you think about it, they have a longer relationship history with him than you (it may be an unhealthy degree of attachment on his end, or not, who's to say?).

 

This situation is rough, I'm so sorry for what you're going through and hope you are able to find peace and a resolution sometime soon. Sounds like you're getting to the point where the pain of ambiguity is worse than the pain of letting him go from your life.

[Daisy2013]

I understand your frustration and I know the pain his indecision causes. He could very well love you, but likely isn't going to give up the life he has. These men tend to be cowards. Your story, in a nutshell, is similar to mine. I've waited longer, though. And I lost. I was told that there is this line that God, his kids (grown), wife, work and church (a teacher and deacon in our church) are all above, and then there is me, below this line. He said that all of those others expected him to be something and he had to be what they all wanted, whether he was happy or not. He's miserable. And that it was highly stressful fitting me in. Doesn't even love his wife, I think. All he will say is she's a "good woman, but not for me." So, I am now at friend and "lover" and he wants to be my friend and relish the memories and still call me every day. WTH...

 

Point is, there will come a time, if this keeps up, that it will destroy you on the inside and you will become a shell of who you are. The on/off and indecision takes its toll. You probably offer him all that you are ... I did ... and his response is "I know you have give me everything (my heart, my love, my support and friendship), but can give you nothing." I keep telling myself that "I suck, I make him miserable." Not a good feeling to think you've mase someone you love feel miserable. Our time, like yours, was very limited, and if he was 10 minutes late getting home, she'd be calling him.

 

"Nothing" is the best most can give. Whether they want to or not. My advice would be to just do it...stop this relationship, as difficult as it is. Trust me, I understand. Just say you can't go on anymore and turn and walk away. Preserve yourself. Don't be like me and wait and wait for nothing. I am a shadow of my former self, empty on the inside, and the only things that keep me going are my kids. If not for them, I'd gladly like to go to sleep forever. Don't do this to yourself.

[bathtub-row]

This is a really tough choice but I think the only real decision here is to let MM go. If the two of you end up together, he will be miserable and regret the decision to be away from his kids. This is not something you want to live with.

 

However, you need to make a decision, too, regardless of how understanding your husband is being about this. Enough is enough. I know it's not easy to let go of someone you love but this is a no-win situation all the way around. You are both adults with kids and spouses, and there are responsibilities that go with that. Sometimes, that means making selfless, hard decisions.

[Eagle's-bargain]

This is a really tough choice but I think the only real decision here is to let MM go.

 

However, you need to make a decision, too, regardless of how understanding your husband is being about this. Enough is enough. I know it's not easy to let go of someone you love but this is a no-win situation all the way around. You are both adults with kids and spouses, and there are responsibilities that go with that. Sometimes, that means making selfless, hard decisions.

 

I agree with the aforementioned quoted section, without the omitted part.