From close to virtually strangers

[A1135]

My relationship with my wife has gotten to the point that I feel like we are two strangers living under the same roof.

 

Some back story, we are both 33 and have been together for 11 years. We have* two boys 3.5yrs and 8 weeks.

 

Now I knew that having another child would be hard work and would take a strain but it feels like so much more than I ever thought possible. Its really highlighting the cracks.

 

I just dont feel close to her at the moment and havent for a while. The whole pregnancy she didnt want to be touched so didnt want hugs or cuddles. We had sex about 4 times during the pregnancy and once since. The quantity of sex has been an issue for many many years and in Jan this year we started therapy as I had simply had enough. Given that she was pregnant we didnt really get to much into the sex side of therapy and are due to start up again in about 6 months. The sessions defiantly helped and made me me feel like at least we were doing something about it.

 

Now i just feel helpless. Even when we do have some time toghther it feels awkward more than anything. Which is something that we didnt even experience when we first met.

 

Between us we have had the flu for the last 3 weeks which hasnt helped, especially with me sleeping in the spare room for a few nights.

 

I have found that i am angry with her and she has taken to arguing alot with me. Like today she went ofhf at me for doing EXACTLY what she asked me to do.

 

I question if I even want to spend time with her, I catch myslef wanting to leave the room when we do get a few minutes together. It even seems hard to think about her romanticly, just strangers.

 

Sorry for the vent!

 

I would like to hear from anyone that has experienced something similar and how you got through it!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sounds like you married someone with a sex drive incompatible from yours. There's no real cure for that except for finding someone else to share your life with. Sucks you had kids with her.

[anika99]

Please be patient and don't give up yet. Your wife is just 8 weeks past childbirth, has a tiny baby to care for and an energetic preschooler as well. That is a lot on her plate at one time. She is probably still feeling hormonal and possibly has some postpartum blues. It's not okay for to be losing her temper with you but I don't think now is the time to be evaluating your marriage or judging your wife's performance as a spouse.

 

I'm not one who believes that kids always take top priority over the spouse but there are times when parents really have no choice but to put the kids first. Newborn babies are one of those times. I remember caring for my second baby while I still had preschooler and I can attest to the fact that it really took everything out of me. Being up several times with the baby every night then still having to get up early every morning with my young son to take care of him too. Having two little human beings relying on me for their every need all while being sleep deprived, breastfeeding (which saps even more energy) and having postpartum hormonal depression at the same time. Whew! It took so much out of me just to face another day sometimes.

 

Be patient. You say the two of you will attend counselling again in about 6 months. By then the baby should be sleeping most nights and your wife will be returning to her prepregnancy self. I know it's hard on you but right now things simply cannot be all about you. For now be a good dad and a supportive spouse and in about 6 months start focusing on improving your marriage.

 

Good luck

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can relate only it was the complete reverse in my marriage. I've written about it many times on here already so I won't bother rehashing it yet again.

 

The best advice I can give you is continue with therapy. If you still love each other and deeply want to make this marriage work do NOT stop turning over every rock until there are none left to turn.

 

At the same time, a marriage only works if you're BOTH working it and that goes for therapy. The real work in therapy begins when you get home and the time between your visits. If neither of you are willing to roll up your sleeves then you might as well throw your money into a waste paper bin and set it on fire. It is absolutely pointless.

 

I might even suggest seeking individual therapy if you can swing it financially. There are a lot of great things that come from couple's therapy but when you're the one that seems to have come upon this impasse in your life and you're desperately seeking some guidance, individual therapy is an excellent way to sort through a lot of that internal chaos. Once you've managed to clear the brush you will be better able to make very thoughtful and honest decisions regarding your marriage and your life.

 

Above all else COMMUNICATION is paramount. So many couples are either really bad at it or are so afraid of the answers they don't even bother to try. Coming on here and venting and sharing and asking for advice can be helpful and enlightening but it alone can't save your marriage. Only you and your wife can do that and only by talking openly and honestly with one another.

 

Good luck to you.

[S2B]

Looks like you had the same issue you wrote about 3 years ago. Yet you went ahead and had another child with her...? Are you positive the baby is yours?

 

Go back to counseling. Be perfectly clear what you need. Don't compromise. If she won't make effort she's leaving you no options.

 

Tell her up front. If this doesn't change along with your attitude we won't be married much longer.

 

Life is too short and you've been miserable for at least three years.

 

Tell her what's on the plate - change and start participating or the marriage will end.

 

I hope she makes effort and takes action to change.

 

 

I can't help thinking if you rarely have sex then how did she get pregnant? It's just a logical question under the circumstances.

 

 

You two are incompatible with sex - she may not be capable of giving more and if that's the case then you need to accept that this just isn't a good match.

 

Please don't have more kids - not when the parents struggle to be compatible and may end the marriage.

[oldshirt]

first step is get the plumbing disconnected so this doesn't happen again.

 

 

Seeing how you have a very young child and an 8 week baby, all bets are off on how life is going to be at your house for awhile.

 

 

I wouldn't make any rash decisions or take any major actions (other than the vasectomy) for at least a year or so after the birth of your baby.

 

 

If you leave her or file for divorce of find a girlfriend on the side, you will be raked over the coals by courts, the judge, her friends and family and everyone will pretty much demonize you and rub your face in the dirt and make you eat worms.

 

 

My wife's sexdrive started to trickle back approx a year after our kids were born and didn't really kick in in earnest until about 2 years after our second.

 

 

She at least tried to keep me from climbing the walls and she tried to be at least somewhat affectionate however.

 

 

As sucky as this sounds for you now, my advice is to suck it up and find some good porn to spank to for now and start planning your moves for about a year out. Be as good of a supportive husband and father now so that her resentment and bitterness doesn't grow any more than it has to. Hit the gym and get as fit and buff as you can and stay as sharp looking and well dressed as you can so that you are still an attractive man that a normal, healthy woman would want in first place.

 

 

Then at the year mark if you are still roommates and you are a fit, healthy attractive man that wouldn't have any trouble finding a replacement for her, then present her with the ultimatum that she either steps up to the plate as a wife, lover and friend in a full service marriage or you move on.

 

 

It sucks now but you need to look at this as a marathon that will be won by strategy, planning and step-by-step execution and not sprint with a quick fix.

 

 

If you bail now, your name will be mud and she will do everything in her power to soak you for as much child support and spousal support she can and the courts will be happy to ablige her.

 

 

Plan this out for a year or more and work with an attorney and accountant etc and set some long range goals.

[Grumpybutfun]

How about you treat her like you love her? How about you stop thinking about your pecker all the time? You have two children under five. One is a newborn. If you are tired, she must be falling down exhausted. Even one child will do that to you. She is their entire world. So instead of worrying about poor you, who Needs to get attention and feels awkward, how about you take care of the mother of your kids? Going without sex stinks, but the reasons you are going without sex is because you are myopic and selfish and she can't take care of another child right now. Her plate is full. She needs you to help her. She needs you to be loving towards her, to step up and be the man who carries some of her load. I remember newborns, they were needy...took up all of my wife's energy. I went without sex and sleep and food and being the center of my wife's universe. I adapted, helped her! supported her fully so she could support our kids fully and all of it came back in months. When I went to sea for our country, she adapted, helped me, supported me so that I could support my command though it wasn't easy for her being alone with small kids. I sacrificed and so did she for our kids and our country. It is normal.

I am just going to leave this here, though I doubt you can see the validity of not being another burden for her right now. Treat your wife like someone you love, not someone who needs her to take care of you right now. She already has enough on her plate without adding another needy human.

You arent having sex because you are building a wall with your resentments that your already exhausted wife isn't doing more to make sure you are ok. She needs to feel like you are her rock. She needs to feel valued and loved for something other than your needs receptacle. When we try to make our women understand the connection of sex for us without communicating care and trust and kindness, it just becomes another chore for her to fulfill. She doesn't understand this is our love language and sees it as another horny man trying to get laid.

Your needs right now are taking a backseat to the needs of YOUR children because she is spent. She has been spent since your first child came. Try some compassion and kindness and make this time about your wife and kids....romance her when you two get the chance...make her feel as though she is the best thing that ever happened to you instead of letting sexual frustration and exhaustion make you into an angry, resentful man who blames all of his problems in the mother of two tiny little beings who depend on her for everything. I have three and they love me, but my beautiful girl is their world.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited October 11, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[Mr. Lucky]

Your needs right now are taking a backseat to the needs of YOUR children because she is spent. She has been spent since your first child came. Try some compassion and kindness and make this time about your wife and kids....romance her when you two get the chance...make her feel as though she is the best thing that ever happened to you instead of letting sexual frustration and exhaustion make you into an angry, resentful man who blames all of his problems in the mother of two tiny little beings who depend on her for everything. I have three and they love me, but my beautiful girl is their world.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Was going to post something similar but couldn't have written any better than this. I don't know of anyone who's life - and priorities - didn't change with the birth of their kids.

 

You're a little behind the curve ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[A1135]

Thanks everyone for your input. I might not have been to clear about the type of intamacy I am missing its not about the sex, in that is a very long game plan that we are working on positively with the therapist. Its more the cuddles, the little touch on the shoulder as we walk past etc.

 

Some of the message from your posts still rings true, Grumpy you did sum it up well, that combined with some of the insight from the mums helped with an attitude adjustment on my behalf.