Asking a married man to borrow money.. Is it ok?

[DanielleSmith56]

I've never met his wife/Family, we use to flirt frequently... I asked for a very small amount and he said he didn't have it at the time but if he didn't he could care less if I paid it back or not.. He seems like a genuine friend.. Is it a good idea or do you think this individual may be expecting something... He is 13-15 years my senior... I am in my 20s..

[mystikmind2005]

The easiest way to tell if it is ok - would both of you be comfortable with his wife knowing about it? That's your answer right there.

[Try]

I asked for a very small amount and he said he didn't have it at the time but if he didn't he could care less if I paid it back or not.

Judge people by their actions and not their words. You asked him to lend you "a very small amount of money" and he said no. End of story. Him telling you how nice he would supposedly be if he had loaned you the money is meaningless.

[DanielleSmith56]

Judge people by their actions and not their words. You asked him to lend you "a very small amount of money" and he said no. End of story. Him telling you how nice he would supposedly be if he had loaned you the money is meaningless.

 

You are right.

[stillafool]

I've never met his wife/Family, we use to flirt frequently... I asked for a very small amount and he said he didn't have it at the time but if he didn't he could care less if I paid it back or not.. He seems like a genuine friend.. Is it a good idea or do you think this individual may be expecting something... He is 13-15 years my senior... I am in my 20s..

 

I'm a woman and I will lend money to people $5 - $10 and not expect a payback. Especially young people because they're broke. I don't think it's a good idea to make it a habit. He isn't your Dad ya know. Don't you have gfs you can borrow from?

[Toodaloo]

He isn't your Dad ya know. Don't you have gfs you can borrow from?

 

Can't you get a job?

[Spectre]

Are you in a relationship with anyone?

[Rephinican]

Yup, I think she is. Her other thread was on whether or not her boyfriend should help pay for birth control injections. So I think that's a pretty definite "yes" to the relationship question...

[jmiller1991]

I don't really have a problem with this. If you need the money, and someone is willing to help, what's wrong with that? Yes, they might expect, or rather hope, that it might lead to something, but so what? You know you're not going to compromise yourself like that, and you certainly don't owe them any sex in exchange, unless of course you have specifically agreed to that. To me, it's just a "side benefit" to flirting - some guys will respond by being VERY nice and generous to you. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as certain lines are not crossed.

 

The only problem I see with it, is that these kind of guys will usually not expect or demand you pay them back, which, let's face it, will often mean that you do not. And not only is that wrong, but it also leaves open a sort of "debt" that the guy could later demand be "paid" in an inappropriate manner.

 

This is what happened to me growing up. Although my fiance has money, when we first started dating, he didn't have access to his parents money yet, so I was always broke. The guys I flirted with knew that, and they would offer to help. Naturally, I accepted, thinking I could pay it back someday, but of course I never could. And afterwards I did notice that a lot of these guys would start insinuating that there were other "ways" I could make it right, although they never straight up asked. And while I did not of course have sex with them, I admit I did feel a little pressured. Especially considering that one of them bought me a nice car, another loaned me around 5k, and I "accidently" maxed out a credit card a guy let me borrow (3k+). Not chump change, so I definitely felt a little uncomfortable sometimes around them. But after awhile it seemed to pass, and I think most of them just forgot about it or let it go. But this is definitely something to be aware of, even tho I think it's ok, as long as you don't let it get too out of hand.

Edited October 16, 2015 by jmiller1991
typo

[Spectre]

If she has a boyfriend..the boyfriend knows she is borrowing money from another man, right?

[Rephinican]

I don't really have a problem with this. If you need the money, and someone is willing to help, what's wrong with that? Yes, they might expect, or rather hope, that it might lead to something, but so what? You know you're not going to compromise yourself like that, and you certainly don't owe them any sex in exchange, unless of course you have specifically agreed to that. To me, it's just a "side benefit" to flirting - some guys will respond by being VERY nice and generous to you. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as certain lines are not crossed.

 

The only problem I see with it, is that these kind of guys will usually not expect or demand you pay them back, which, let's face it, will often mean that you do not. And not only is that wrong, but it also leaves open a sort of "debt" that the guy could later demand be "paid" in an inappropriate manner.

 

This is what happened to me growing up. Although my fiance has money, when we first started dating, he didn't have access to his parents money yet, so I was always broke. The guys I flirted with knew that, and they would offer to help. Naturally, I accepted, thinking I could pay it back someday, but of course I never could. And afterwards I did notice that a lot of these guys would start insinuating that there were other "ways" I could make it right, although they never straight up asked. And while I did not of course have sex with them, I admit I did feel a little pressured. Especially considering that one of them bought me a nice car, another loaned me around 5k, and I "accidently" maxed out a credit card a guy let me borrow (3k+). Not chump change, so I definitely felt a little uncomfortable sometimes around them. But after awhile it seemed to pass, and I think most of them just forgot about it or let it go. But this is definitely something to be aware of, even tho I think it's ok, as long as you don't let it get too out of hand.

 

I fail to see how this is anything close to acceptable. If you need money, your initial thought should not be to go and flirt with men so that they will give it to you. Especially if you are in a relationship with another man. That's just skeevy in my opinion. Sure, I completely understand that if you need money and someone offers you shouldn't look a gift-horse in the mouth, and completely agree that just because a guy chooses to pay a girl money that does not mean he is "owed" sex (or literally anything else) but that's not what happened here. The guy didn't offer in this scenario: The OP asked, and the guy refused. In all of your examples jmiller, the men made the initial offer. And whether or not I agree with their actions, that paints a scenario in which you accepted an offer as opposed to made it. That isn't what happened here. And that changes everything. It's not like he just offered out of the blue now, and it's especially not like he was willing to provide her with the small sum of money she asked for initially. Also, this man is married. Sure, he might have some personal sums that he can spend on the OP, or might even control all the money in the relationship, but I'm not sure if his wife would appreciate her husband lending money to a random girl in her 20s. Especially not if the closeness of this girl's relationship to her husband came from mutual flirting. That's just not okay in my book.

 

OP, if you need money for whatever reason ask your boyfriend. If he's not willing to provide it, get a job (if you don't have one) or look for a higher paying job/ take some night classes if you don't have a degree. If all else fails, go to a bank and get a loan to cover your basic expenses while you look for a more steady source of income. DO NOT go and start flirting with random men (especially random MARRIED men) and then ask them for money. It would be different if this guy was an old family friend and offered to help you out because you needed it, but seeing as you were the one who asked in this situation (and you were also involved in the flirting) I don't think it's acceptable in the least. There are other ways to get money that don't involve flirting with other women's husbands and potentially betraying your partner. Have a little bit of class please.

 

-Reph

[Lovemesomehim]

The correct approach is to involve his wife. Out of respect for his marriage is to involve his wife.

[casey.lives]

I'd say hi to a married man but i wouldn't go further than that.

[jmiller1991]

Well, sure, Reph. No, she shouldn't have asked. You are right about that. But if offered, I see nothing wrong with accepting.

 

But please don't say I flirted when I needed money. Of course you shouldn't do that. I never flirted with guys to get money. I just used to flirt a lot, and then guys would make offers after hearing me complain about having no money. I never straight up just asked. That would be inappropriate. I merely took advantage of the situation. I think it was a combination of feeling sorry for me as well as hoping it might lead to something. Either way, I never felt guilty, nor do I think anyone else should either, because there is nothing wrong with accepting help if freely offered.

 

Accepting charity or help is not necessarily "using" or "taking advantage" of people.

[Spectre]

Well, sure, Reph. No, she shouldn't have asked. You are right about that. But if offered, I see nothing wrong with accepting.

 

But please don't say I flirted when I needed money. Of course you shouldn't do that. I never flirted with guys to get money. I just used to flirt a lot, and then guys would make offers after hearing me complain about having no money. I never straight up just asked. That would be inappropriate. I merely took advantage of the situation. I think it was a combination of feeling sorry for me as well as hoping it might lead to something. Either way, I never felt guilty, nor do I think anyone else should either, because there is nothing wrong with accepting help if freely offered.

 

Accepting charity or help is not necessarily "using" or "taking advantage" of people.

 

I don't know you, but what you said sounds a bit manipulative. Like you made sure you complained within earshot of these people so they'd hear you and then offer. This way you don't have to "straight up" ask and yet can still let them know you need money.