Do I sleep with him or not?

[goldengirl11]

Hi

 

To cut it short, I've got myself into a really awkward situation next weekend. Basically, I really really enjoy this man's company, who I've enjoyed talking to and have occasionally met, who I feel share great chemistry with. However, he got married just over a year ago to an old friend he met at university and am hesitant to go through another affair, as went through a lot of heartbreak with someone else.

 

A couple of months ago he told me he was in a couple of shows before Xmas and agreed to go as they're always great fun. He said it would be even better if he could stop over, so because I temporarily moved back to my parents, I provisionally booked a night at a hotel, which he said sounded exciting. Now, for a few weeks, have been getting cold feet about it and would prefer to just see the show and meet for drinks afterwards. I feel guilty though and don't want to look boring and 'lose him.' Any advice? Shall I just say I don't feel ready? I'm in my thirties though!

 

Thanks x

[lemondrop21]

What are your goals here? If it's just to have a one night stand with someone who you suspect you'd have chemistry with, well, that's your call, I'm not here to judge as he's the one who is cheating in this scenario.

 

If you think there's any chance of it turning into a full blown affair then I would question why you are even asking this question on this board, having previously known the pain of an affair as you said. Affairs are addicting though. Any chance you're tempted to get into this because the previous A didn't turn out the way you wanted and you want to prove to yourself that things can go differently this time (aka that you can successfully steal someone's husband, not trying to be mean just honest).

 

Obviously most people on this board will tell you to run for the hills but you already know that.

[Christos]

Hi

 

To cut it short, I've got myself into a really awkward situation next weekend. Basically, I really really enjoy this man's company, who I've enjoyed talking to and have occasionally met, who I feel share great chemistry with. However, he got married just over a year ago to an old friend he met at university and am hesitant to go through another affair, as went through a lot of heartbreak with someone else.

 

A couple of months ago he told me he was in a couple of shows before Xmas and agreed to go as they're always great fun. He said it would be even better if he could stop over, so because I temporarily moved back to my parents, I provisionally booked a night at a hotel, which he said sounded exciting. Now, for a few weeks, have been getting cold feet about it and would prefer to just see the show and meet for drinks afterwards. I feel guilty though and don't want to look boring and 'lose him.' Any advice? Shall I just say I don't feel ready? I'm in my thirties though!

 

Thanks x

 

You should never, ever, and under any circumstances, date a married man. That says a lot about your character.

 

Put yourself into his wife shoes... Do you like enabling this kind of behavior?

 

Do not go out with him. He just wants to have extra-marital sex. Decent married men don't go out with other women. Ask him to let you discuss this with his wife first... But we both know he won't let you do that... I am sure it is "innocent" alright...

 

You are in your thirties. You are in an age where you should really be thinking about marriage and creating a family. And what are you doing? Considering to destroy another woman's marriage?

 

Have a look in the mirror and tell us what do you see. Because all i am seeing by your post, is an immoral person.

[starglider]

It is my observation that healthier people are "boring." I think that if your goal is to heal and grow, you should copy those types of decisions. That means canceling the the hotel. And better yet next time declining the concert.

 

But growth can come with ambivalence and relapse and the desire for that addiction boost of unhealthy connections and bad boundaries. It sounds like you are jonesing for that.

 

Who do you want to be and how do you want to exist in this lifetime?

[goldengirl11]

It is my observation that healthier people are "boring." I think that if your goal is to heal and grow, you should copy those types of decisions. That means canceling the the hotel. And better yet next time declining the concert.

 

But growth can come with ambivalence and relapse and the desire for that addiction boost of unhealthy connections and bad boundaries. It sounds like you are jonesing for that.

 

Who do you want to be and how do you want to exist in this lifetime?

 

I would like to meet the right partner and in time have a family. Yes, he is married and very much enjoy being with him, but I definitely don't want to "waste time," as fear I will miss the boat. He just asked me where I'm staying next Saturday, but not answered yet. I know I can still stay, but surely he will want/expect to then? Sorry!

[jen1447]

Hi

 

To cut it short, I've got myself into a really awkward situation next weekend. Basically, I really really enjoy this man's company, who I've enjoyed talking to and have occasionally met, who I feel share great chemistry with. However, he got married just over a year ago to an old friend he met at university and am hesitant to go through another affair, as went through a lot of heartbreak with someone else.

 

A couple of months ago he told me he was in a couple of shows before Xmas and agreed to go as they're always great fun. He said it would be even better if he could stop over, so because I temporarily moved back to my parents, I provisionally booked a night at a hotel, which he said sounded exciting. Now, for a few weeks, have been getting cold feet about it and would prefer to just see the show and meet for drinks afterwards. I feel guilty though and don't want to look boring and 'lose him.' Any advice? Shall I just say I don't feel ready? I'm in my thirties though!

 

Thanks x

 

Based on what you've said here alone, you really don't want to sleep with him at this point, so you shouldn't. It's never a good reason to do sth for fear of sth else happening. So I'd suggest you do indeed just tell him you're not ready and let the chips fall where they may.

[Dela]

if u have to ask then the answer is NO

[TommyGee]

No judgment here, most marriages are not what they are supposed to be and what they are supposed to be is far from what is right for many people. That being said, if there is no real communication regarding his expectations and your expectations it's a pretty good bet neither will get what they really want, but he'll get a hell of a lot closer.

He's married for a reason, and it doesn't sound like he's been married long enough to have "grown apart" from his spouse. I'd guess a 90 some % chance he just wants to get some "strange." A 10 or so % chance he wants to have a longer lasting affair because he thinks he can balance both a wife and a mistress.

Either way, if you're looking for a nice guy to have a relationship with, better off looking for a single man. Sounds like this guy would be good for you if you were looking for a "friends with benefits" kind of thing.

[carhill]

If the basis for your inquiry is what he's told you, then everything is unverified. Reality could be anything.

 

Should you sleep with him? If it's normal in your culture to have sexual relations with people who are purportedly married, then the decision would turn on whether you find him attractive sexually or not. If such relations are discouraged culturally, then you'll have to decide whether you rebel against such discouragement in addition to the sexual attraction part. Your personal attraction and boundaries decide.

 

If you want to go to the show, he can certainly pick you up at your parents since it's not like he's some stranger and you can introduce him as a married friend who's in town and you're going to a show with. Good transparency there. Whatever happens, happens.

[bathtub-row]

I would like to meet the right partner and in time have a family. Yes, he is married and very much enjoy being with him, but I definitely don't want to "waste time," as fear I will miss the boat. He just asked me where I'm staying next Saturday, but not answered yet. I know I can still stay, but surely he will want/expect to then? Sorry!

 

That "right" partner you meet someday may not be real enthusiastic about being with someone who's past involves relationships with married men. I get it that you might've done it once and realized what a mistake it was. More than once shows really bad discretion. You're risking your reputation with this person. And, yes, men are very old fashioned when it comes to their wives. If I were you, I'd back out of this deal altogether. It has nowhere to go but downhill.

[MissBee]

Hi

 

To cut it short, I've got myself into a really awkward situation next weekend. Basically, I really really enjoy this man's company, who I've enjoyed talking to and have occasionally met, who I feel share great chemistry with. However, he got married just over a year ago to an old friend he met at university and am hesitant to go through another affair, as went through a lot of heartbreak with someone else.

 

A couple of months ago he told me he was in a couple of shows before Xmas and agreed to go as they're always great fun. He said it would be even better if he could stop over, so because I temporarily moved back to my parents, I provisionally booked a night at a hotel, which he said sounded exciting. Now, for a few weeks, have been getting cold feet about it and would prefer to just see the show and meet for drinks afterwards. I feel guilty though and don't want to look boring and 'lose him.' Any advice? Shall I just say I don't feel ready? I'm in my thirties though!

 

Thanks x

 

Look, if you've already gotten your heart broken in an affair, don't play the fool twice. You have all the experiential information on hand already to know for yourself that this often doesn't end well, especially if you actually like the person and it's not just NSA sex.

 

Don't care about looking boring or "losing him", you don't have him. Trust me, I know the temptation is great and it's easy to throw caution to the wind but you will feel far better later on after you've turned this down than if you give into it and are neck deep into an affair again and have the same heartbreak play out.

 

It's not worth it. He's not that great. Believe me.

[mattelipstick]

I say this w/ love... a better use of your time might be seeing a therapist to figure out why you are more prone to sleeping with other peoples' husbands than dating single men, seeing as how you say you want a family of your own.

Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

Why aren't you seeking out relationships with single men? If you have to come to a forum to ask if you should sleep with a man, any man, the answer is NO.

[MissBee]

It took me multiple go-rounds with unavailable men (they weren't all affairs, the A, one FWB thing with a guy with a gf just happened to be I guess the most obvious situation of them being unavailable) before it started to register to me that this was a pattern, a treadmill to nowhere. I said I wanted an actual relationship and to eventually be married with kids (like you also say you do) yet the men I chose were pretty much the LEAST likely candidates for anything like that. I realized I wasn't just "unlucky," the problem was me. For some reason, I only seemed to manage to be attracted to men who were unavailable. It always started off exciting and seemed promising then it would crash and burn...and I would be upset...yet the truth was, it was the SAME situation, just different month or year and different name but same thing.

 

 

The BEST thing you can do for yourself (esp if you fear "missing your chance") is to work on you and delve into why you have this pattern and why after one recent A you're even considering this as an option again. That will help you far better if you turn the focus on you and working through your own patterns rather than worrying about this guy.

Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mattelipstick]

It took me multiple go-rounds with unavailable men (they weren't all affairs, the A, one FWB thing with a guy with a gf just happened to be I guess the most obvious situation of them being unavailable) before it started to register to me that this was a pattern, a treadmill to nowhere. I said I wanted an actual relationship and to eventually be married with kids (like you also say you do) yet the men I chose were pretty much the LEAST likely candidates for anything like that. I realized I wasn't just "unlucky," the problem was me. For some reason, I only seemed to manage to be attracted to men who were unavailable. It always started off exciting and seemed promising then it would crash and burn...and I would be upset...yet the truth was, it was the SAME situation, just different month or year and different name but same thing.

 

 

The BEST thing you can do for yourself (esp if you fear "missing your chance") is to work on you and delve into why you have this pattern and why after one recent A you're even considering this as an option again. That will help you far better if you turn the focus on you and working through your own patterns rather than worrying about this guy.

 

Same. I've never had any dealings with a MM, but I did spend many years saying I wanted a committed relationship, someone to build a life with, etc. -- but repeatedly seeking out relationships that were so obviously going nowhere, right from the very start. That was "safer" than actually having to tie myself to someone and risk it failing, in my subconscious mind. Still struggle a little, but just being aware that I have the issue helps a lot.

Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[veryhappy]

Answer to your question: you don't sleep with him. Easy.

 

You send him a text that you are oh so sick and have to cancel the whole thing (yeah sorry, no flirting). The big red flag is that you are afraid of losing this guy if you don't have sex. That's unhealthy thinking with any guy, but this guy is married. There has been nothing between you two, and he is someone else's so how can you lose him? Married men willing to cheat a dime a dozen. You never ever need to be afraid of not finding one of you wake up one day and decide you really need to have sex with one.

 

Let him go. The holidays are coming and you don't want to do that to your self, do you?

[William]

Regarding any edits or deletions prior to this post, our policy supporting them can be found here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/325385-am-i-posting-right-forum-read-here-update-july-30-2013-a#post5090926

[wanderingxsoulz]

Even just by reading your title and not the story, my answer is PLEASE DON'T. After reading your story, all the more so. I lost my virginity to xMM and I really wish I hadn't.

[waterwoman]

That's an easy one! No.