OW - my aftermath [update: day 205]

[NewLeaf512]

Hope, he IS just a man. There are three freaking BILLIONS of men out there.

 

Life simply cannot be about just any ONE man no matter how good looking/rich/passionate he is...sorry, no one is that special.

 

And if you've been reading posts on this forum, you probably saw that those MMs are just bunch of weak selfish losers, not worth all the pain you lovely ladies put yourself through.

 

Open up, let the life to take you on a new exciting adventure, move jobs if needed, move town, yes you can, and yes, you will laugh again and will be happy again.

 

Dream new dreams, surround yourself with people who want only the best for you, and let the Universe to take care of the rest xoxo

Hi NewLeaf,

 

I've been following your posts and wanted to tell that no matter how bad you feel at the moment, it is not a permanent statement of your future.

I've been battling depression on and off for years and one really evil thing that it does to your mind - it narrows down your vision to the point of where nothing makes any sense anymore, you are stuck being intensely miserable and lose the big picture and all the sense of perspective .

 

 

 

I have to say this post has good intentions I'm sure but has really wound me up. It seems clear to me that you may have followed some post but you have no earthy idea about my story. This Man as you call him is by no mean the heart of my pain and suffering, but merely the latest soul destroying example who ripped the scab off all the rest.

 

Thanks for the post

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I resigned my role and the new super role got, pulled back. I will one day be smiling again but with my life and all my responsibilitie, I can be as happy as I can be.

And that means no more men ever

[NewLeaf512]

Hope, he IS just a man. There are three freaking BILLIONS of men out there.

 

Life simply cannot be about just any ONE man no matter how good looking/rich/passionate he is...sorry, no one is that special.

 

And if you've been reading posts on this forum, you probably saw that those MMs are just bunch of weak selfish losers, not worth all the pain you lovely ladies put yourself through.

 

Open up, let the life to take you on a new exciting adventure, move jobs if needed, move town, yes you can, and yes, you will laugh again and will be happy again.

 

Dream new dreams, surround yourself with people who want only the best for you, and let the Universe to take care of the rest xoxo[/quote

 

SHADOW,

I reposted this because I like its positivity and truth so very much.

 

JUST A MAN... one out of billions...keeping that in mind could bring a lot of fretting and heartache into perspective.

 

Poppy

 

 

He is pain, a figurehead of the latest man pain in my life. The thought of billions more men incites me with panic and fills me with dread

[WakingUp]

Leaf, get serious. You are losing the plot here.

 

It is gone, over, done with. Let it go.

 

Take control girl... this is your life. HE IS NOT YOUR DESTINY.

 

You have much bigger, exciting things to do.

 

Put it in the rear view mirror... and rev the engine.

 

Do not let other people define who you are. Or stop you from getting where you want to be.

 

You DO NOT own their problems.

 

'

[NewLeaf512]

WP

 

I'm not all pining over him. I just need to do self protection. There was a long friendship before too that is lost. Need to focus in work

[NewLeaf512]

Tomorrow I will see a friend for lunch then in the afternoon I will do some charity work

[NewLeaf512]

Ok friend is awol so no lunch

[Shadowburn]

Take yourself out for lunch.

Dress nicely and put lipstick on.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, so start showing it to yourself.

[66Charger]

He is just a man.

 

No he is not and everyone who says this is lying or never loved.

 

There is a woman I know and if she was "just a woman" I would have said "no thank you ma'am a long time ago. She is one of those beautiful flowers that twist a man. Makes you want to run and scream. There are many reasons to just move on. She is such a sassy and demanding woman, I am not sure she realizes who she is talking to. Sometimes I just want to shut her down. Forget she ever existed. Not even remember her name. All this would be so easy if.....

 

She were just a woman...but she is not.

 

And neither is your OM.

 

The difference is he is a danger.

 

A danger to your soul. To your very being. Your feelings for him, although genuine, are not a blessing but a curse. Do not underestimate what love can do to the rest of your life. . Especially wrong love.

 

So, Miss Lady, what price do you pay for your TRUE heartfelt emotions? How much life will you spend on that which cannot be? That which should not have been? At what value do you place yourself and your very chance at a life as it is meant it be lived?

 

I have always thought the OM/OW forum was a bunch of cackling cheaters.

 

But it is not. You ladies write nothing but pain. Its awful reading. I will never understand why you do this to yourselves

 

Perhaps instead you should accept your reality. You love a man that you can not have and should never be with. So go ahead and love him then. But put that love in its context. Understand that it is a part of you and soon will be a past part of you. Accept it. And be ok with your heart, but understand the whole of you is so much more. Then put it in a box and keep it as a memory.

 

Where it belongs.

Edited October 20, 2015 by 66Charger

[HopeForTomorrow]

66 - I bet she knows exactly who she is talking to...

 

New Leaf - You know where to find me. Peace.

[Maddieandtae]

Newleaf, I really feel your disconnect through your posts. I think you definitely are aware that the choice of being involved with a married man is not the root of what could be going on for you. When I was 13 I was raped, I pushed that incident away, when I was 20 I married an abusive partner. He cheated, drank, didn't help support the family and my coping skills crashed. I started smoking at 36, had an affair and finally left our toxic relationship a few months after the affair. My ex committed suicide 3 years after our divorce and last words too me were its your fault. My Mom was diagnosed and died of cancer within 3 months. Its been a tough go, I'm doing it though. I quit smoking, 5 years smoke free and I'm keeping on the healthy journey. You can do it and I pray that you find your connection to the good in your life again.

[NewLeaf512]

Newleaf, I really feel your disconnect through your posts. I think you definitely are aware that the choice of being involved with a married man is not the root of what could be going on for you. When I was 13 I was raped, I pushed that incident away, when I was 20 I married an abusive partner. He cheated, drank, didn't help support the family and my coping skills crashed. I started smoking at 36, had an affair and finally left our toxic relationship a few months after the affair. My ex committed suicide 3 years after our divorce and last words too me were its your fault. My Mom was diagnosed and died of cancer within 3 months. Its been a tough go, I'm doing it though. I quit smoking, 5 years smoke free and I'm keeping on the healthy journey. You can do it and I pray that you find your connection to the good in your life again.

 

I quit smoking but I understand what exactly you have survived. I'm doing the best I can. One foot in front of the other.

[Maddieandtae]

I know you do Newleaf and one foot in front of the other will get you to the place you want to be. You have lifelines here, keep reaching out. It's important to know there is a helping hand to help you threw. If you have trustworthy lifelines in real life keep engaging with them as well. Compassion can take a person far can't it?

[NewLeaf512]

I know you do Newleaf and one foot in front of the other will get you to the place you want to be. You have lifelines here, keep reaching out. It's important to know there is a helping hand to help you threw. If you have trustworthy lifelines in real life keep engaging with them as well. Compassion can take a person far can't it?

 

Have you ever had anyone stop being your friend because of "your story"? I don't even mention it any more. I hope I can find some trustworthy lifelines to use.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm thinking of relocating for a short time to the NL to perfect my Dutch

[NewLeaf512]

Today is the first time I'm really feeling under the weather. It is an awful day Rainey, windy, cold. I'm considering taking a LS break. Watching people including myself relive their pain, and some people keep going back to their painful situations is making me more sad.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Newleaf,

 

Been a little busy with the treatment stuff and haven't been here that often. I am sorry you are feeling crap. I can understand why being on LS can make you feel worse sometimes. I am not at that point, and though it helps in a weird way to know you are not alone by reading everyone's stories, it does break my heart that so many people are hurting in so many ways.

 

You know, its funny, because some people on this forum abbreviate your name and say NL. And now you are talking about moving to NL. Do what you gotta do. Sometimes a change of scenery can be great. Ik hou van jao, girlfriend. My first ever boyfriend in middle school was Dutch. We only ever held hands. And he taught me that phrase.

 

Take care, you.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi Yodel,

 

Thanks for your post. I'm really glad you are off busy getting treat,net for your conditions, it means you are taking care of yourself and for that I am glad.

 

Funny synergy with NL as a nickname and NL as a country. I need to ponder that. ( I believe in signs so not sure what that particular one is saying.)

 

I've been going to IC 2x a week for a while. It's usually 1x per week. I am going to go back to 1x in November. By then we will see if the blue spell has been banished forever.

 

Not sure if it's medicine or healing, whichever it is I will take it, but I'm down to relatively very few emotions about exIdiot. The one I want to grow but is still coming and going is apathy. One is understanding. Not of him, his situation, feelings or state of mind. I'll never know why or understand that. My understanding is just this: If I really, really want something with all my heart, (aside from doing illegal things) there is no impediment big enough, no challenge too seemingly insurmountable to stand in my way I will do everything in my power to try to make my dreams realities. I wasn't that for idiot. He chose what he wanted for whatever reason and he got it. I hope his choice turns up trumps, but I'd be a liar if I said I BELIEVE it will so hope is what I can give.

 

If I'd understood that previously, I'd probably have cried for a week. Now I understand that I recognise I deserve that from someone. ( obviously no more A so a S wouldn't be the challenge) moving, travelling, etc. I'm good enough for someone to put some effort in.

 

 

I know these aren't big strides but, one foot in front of the other.

 

NL

[Maddieandtae]

Hi Newleaf, yes I've lost friends and my Daughter lost a relationship over our shared story. They can be difficult issues for some people to deal with. It's especially hard at times to hear people's thoughts on rape and suicide. Although I'm at a better place in how I respond to those thoughts when shared with me. I've learned I have a choice in whether I will respond back. Sometimes I know I just need to let the remarks go. People have their opinions and I have mine. I hope today is a better day. If you can do the change of scenery you should grab the opportunity to do so

[rhymemepoet]

Hello NL,

 

I've read many of your posts and feel your angst as closely as anyone on here can.

 

Although I was the SOM with a married woman, I very much associate with the feelings exhibited by SOW.

 

I just wanted to say that I understand your posting. I understand the madness of wanting something that you don't want and can't get out of your head. I understand the desire to just scream out just to get this weight off your chest.

 

I'm now over one year from NC. I had all the closure and finality and it still makes me furious that it's over even though there is a part of me that is so glad it's over.

 

I too obsess about the sham marriage she stayed in. I too find myself loathing her husband for being a doormat. I wish I didn't have such mean feelings for such a tormented soul. I realize I'm not as good as I used to be.

 

I've been emotionally and sexually anorexic since the breakup and only recently came out of my shell. I'm craving the emotionally charged sexual high and I'm frustrated.

 

I am envious of you that you are single and will surely find a great guy as soon as you're ready. I however, forfeited my single life after the affair. Funny enough, seeing how cruel MOW was to her husband and that he stayed with her (with no kids involved), made it possible for me to finally forgive my wife enough to move back with her and my two young children.

 

Here's the real rub NL, when I was in affair for three years I remember craving the constant companion that family provides and disparaging affair life for all that it lacked. Now that I'm full of family and constant companionship, all I think about and miss is the passion and emotion of the affair.

 

I don't think there is a point to this message. Just wanting to reach out and let you know we're both crazy because of the affair and it's ok. I think of us like Neo swallowing the red pill by entering into affair territory. Kansas has gone bye bye Dorothy.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Hello NL,

 

I've read many of your posts and feel your angst as closely as anyone on here can.

 

Although I was the SOM with a married woman, I very much associate with the feelings exhibited by SOW.

 

I just wanted to say that I understand your posting. I understand the madness of wanting something that you don't want and can't get out of your head. I understand the desire to just scream out just to get this weight off your chest.

 

I'm now over one year from NC. I had all the closure and finality and it still makes me furious that it's over even though there is a part of me that is so glad it's over.

 

I too obsess about the sham marriage she stayed in. I too find myself loathing her husband for being a doormat. I wish I didn't have such mean feelings for such a tormented soul. I realize I'm not as good as I used to be.

 

I've been emotionally and sexually anorexic since the breakup and only recently came out of my shell. I'm craving the emotionally charged sexual high and I'm frustrated.

 

I am envious of you that you are single and will surely find a great guy as soon as you're ready. I however, forfeited my single life after the affair. Funny enough, seeing how cruel MOW was to her husband and that he stayed with her (with no kids involved), made it possible for me to finally forgive my wife enough to move back with her and my two young children.

 

Here's the real rub NL, when I was in affair for three years I remember craving the constant companion that family provides and disparaging affair life for all that it lacked. Now that I'm full of family and constant companionship, all I think about and miss is the passion and emotion of the affair.

 

I don't think there is a point to this message. Just wanting to reach out and let you know we're both crazy because of the affair and it's ok. I think of us like Neo swallowing the red pill by entering into affair territory. Kansas has gone bye bye Dorothy.

 

NO.

 

New Leaf, no.

 

Send me an email.

[NewLeaf512]

Hello NL,

 

I've read many of your posts and feel your angst as closely as anyone on here can.

 

Although I was the SOM with a married woman, I very much associate with the feelings exhibited by SOW.

 

I just wanted to say that I understand your posting. I understand the madness of wanting something that you don't want and can't get out of your head. I understand the desire to just scream out just to get this weight off your chest.

 

I'm now over one year from NC. I had all the closure and finality and it still makes me furious that it's over even though there is a part of me that is so glad it's over.

 

I too obsess about the sham marriage she stayed in. I too find myself loathing her husband for being a doormat. I wish I didn't have such mean feelings for such a tormented soul. I realize I'm not as good as I used to be.

 

I've been emotionally and sexually anorexic since the breakup and only recently came out of my shell. I'm craving the emotionally charged sexual high and I'm frustrated.

 

I am envious of you that you are single and will surely find a great guy as soon as you're ready. I however, forfeited my single life after the affair. Funny enough, seeing how cruel MOW was to her husband and that he stayed with her (with no kids involved), made it possible for me to finally forgive my wife enough to move back with her and my two young children.

 

Here's the real rub NL, when I was in affair for three years I remember craving the constant companion that family provides and disparaging affair life for all that it lacked. Now that I'm full of family and constant companionship, all I think about and miss is the passion and emotion of the affair.

 

I don't think there is a point to this message. Just wanting to reach out and let you know we're both crazy because of the affair and it's ok. I think of us like Neo swallowing the red pill by entering into affair territory. Kansas has gone bye bye Dorothy.

 

Thanks for your post. As transparent as I've been here there are still some things that are forever private and some can now be shared.

 

A year before the A we were in our way to court, he couldn't be at the bar but was there for support. Out of the Bly he said "I wish my family would disappear. I was shocked and driving. I've seen BS many times and saw her acting nutty as did others but he seemed happy enough so we didn't ask. So I said "just your wife and kids?" I was a bit scared. No wife kids her parents his sibling in laws the cousins ( lots) what about your patents and brother who live 1,5 miles away. I asked if he saw them often. No BS didn't like his parents especially his mum. So how often do you see BS parents and family? "Daily " why I sad? Wh

en he bought his home there was a lot next door. Bs not in employment.

 

She makes him buy it and with 5 b months with FIL, BS brothers, idiot, his brother and Udiots father for free (except material) BS parents lived nice. From then on any house in that street that came up, one of the BS family bought it.

 

Totally surrounded in 2009.

 

When BS was 16 and he was 17 she asked him to a dance "Sadie Hawkins" girl asks the boy idiot heads mum told me they lost their son that night.

 

He got sucked in like the blob. He was Luhteran and hadn't to church in 14 years. He has to convert to date her. She is an Isulin dependic diabetic since the age of 8. And has a pump but drinks like crazy as well as being circ 80 lbs over weight and is 4ft something so you get the picture. She uses it against him "l know I'm drinking so pick me up.2 hours later to say I'm on spirits. Bring more medicine. He's cut international work trips to make him come home. One memorial reason was her BF fell . Idiot says take him to hospital he chanes flights. It's the opening of parliament. Leaves. FIL at home. Idiot says wars happened 3 scratched with plasters , not a stitch!

 

Now as we are on a work engagement which is 2 weeks and that leg thing has him home Saturday morning. And this axe was hopefully settling and not going to trial because I'm

Not able to litigate he is in Nevada, regarding a major royals cutting loose in the clothes he was born in and some security let them bring the phones in,a lot was already leaked... His BS would let him go back to work because youngest who is 18 at the time is scared grandpa will die family first means the case is mine.

[yodelwithyu]

Sounds like big strides to me, NewLeaf. It sounds like you have crossed a threshold and sound much calmer. And you know what? Even if they aren't big strides everyday, one foot in front of the other is still damn sight better than being in a puddle on the floor and stuck in the same place. So you are doing great!

 

What you said about doing anything in your power to get/be with who you want is true. I can't remember, but some article I had read years ago had polled men on different things, and one of the quotes in it was something to the effect "If a man really wants you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you." For some reason the heaven and earth part always stuck with me. And I think it works both ways. If you feel like you are not willing to do that for someone, maybe it is just not worth it. And if you feel like they wouldn't for you, they they aren't worth it! Of course it is easier said than done, but it is what it is.

 

As for the NL thing, I have a good feeling about it, which is why I mentioned it. I don't know if that matters to your sign mojo, but I feel like the change and the pursuit of something (language) will be great for you!!!

[rhymemepoet]

I also want to say that your idea to move to Holland is a great idea. I fell in love with that country immediately. Do you know that they round to the nearest nickel! Brilliant people.

 

Just an aside to turn up all of our spirits; when I was a much younger man I met a Dutch girl online (before online dating was a thing). After two months of infatuated calling (and a $2000 phone bill) I felt like I was in love and I dropped everything to move to Holland.

 

Ok, so it wasn't the smartest thing I ever did, but the result of this adventure was nothing short of miraculous. After six weeks living together in her tiny flat in Gouda, we both realized it was not to be. Long story short, I ended up traveling to Greece and was able to see my yaya for her final days on earth.

 

I witnessed the way she fearlessly left the world and it has been an inspiration on how to live life the best. I learned from her passing that the most important part of life is not looking back when you go through the exit door.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi Newleaf, yes I've lost friends and my Daughter lost a relationship over our shared story. They can be difficult issues for some people to deal with. It's especially hard at times to hear people's thoughts on rape and suicide. Although I'm at a better place in how I respond to those thoughts when shared with me. I've learned I have a choice in whether I will respond back. Sometimes I know I just need to let the remarks go. People have their opinions and I have mine. I hope today is a better day. If you can do the change of scenery you should grab the opportunity to do so

 

I hardly ever tell anyone because most people don't believe me. I feel like o need to have proof. How sick is that? Like why do I care ? It's a part of me, and it has shaped me, for better and worse.

 

NL

[GollumsNightmare]

New Leaf,

 

For your own healing, You have to let that stuff GO.

 

First, your idiot xMM sounds like a real winner and a real whiner. You know everything he told you was to put himself in the best light to you and to put his wife in the worst light, right? He was playing you. It is how he justified his affair. You have to let his stories go because most likely they are very skewed. Sure his wife may be the biggest twit in the world, but you have got to admit you can't believe everything a MM says in the height of an affair. What do you suppose he is telling her about you now? I am sure it is just as skewed and ridiculous.

 

Remember, I have been on both sides of that situation and it hurts all the way around. My H sheepishly told me the stupid stuff he told the OW about me. It was ridiculous, not even remotely true. He couldn't POSSIBLY leave me because he had to "take care" of me. Um, right. She was so independent and I was so dependent. It may have been a self fulfilling prophecy because where once I was completely sassy and independent, the affair felt like he gave me a lobotomy and it has taken two long years to crawl out of this fog. I am not back to my independent self yet, but I am trying.

 

When I was the MOW, I tried to think of anything I could to put my H down and build my AP up. It was a stretch, but it was what I had to do to justify the A.

 

Let go of his lies. They only keep hurting you. Don't continue to compete in your mind with someone with whom you have only heard half truths. I have let go of the things he told me about the OW, too. They were quite derogatory and I realize that truth be told, in our case, we are both middle aged women that are probably more similar than different. I realize in your case you are probably vastly different, but do you truly believe she is the shallow caricature he has made her out to be? Why would he stay, then?

 

I mean this only with the greatest deal of respect. I don't know why I care about your healing, but I honestly do.