Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Or 4 months and 3 weeks. I'm feeling stronger and better. New job starts tomorrow. I should be asleep. It's Nervy. I can see my new Robes from by bed which will get couriered tomorrow morning at 6. The 10 years 301 days that stopped in July, have the last nail hammered in tomorrow at 8 sharpish. I'm no longer she who came before. There are far greater things that lay before us, than those we leave benind. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 Some deep thoughts have come to me and of course I'm not in a place where I can write a post but I will do later this evening. Thanksgiving seems appropriate Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Hope you are enjoying your new job NL! Congratulations on starting off fresh at a new job, with new people and a blank slate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 It seems fitting that on the 150th day (the count includes today), that this post contains the gratitude I have for this place and most of the posters in it. When I started posting about my experiences of an A, and my pain, I did it out of sheer desperation. I was decimated emotionally, my heart was almost fatally wounded, I was half crazy with racing thoughts and at times hysterical with grief sleeping 4 hours a night. No one in my "RL" could understand. I couldn't confess the truth to anyone because I was so emotionally despondent I couldn't form words properly, I was humiliated, I didn't want to trash my career or anyone else's. In this forum I purged my soul and my mind. I vented and moaned. Was heard. Git empathy, sympathy, advice and often a kick up the backside. In this thread I've felt worthless, used, apologetic, remorse, shame, empty, longing and finally acceptance, forgiveness, strength, peace, stillness, but most importantly self-respect. LS has was like a hospital for my psyche as is my therapy. At LS I have been able to also hear others stories and read all kinds of opinions, compliments, insults, sympathy and even their vitriol on all kinds of topics towards all kinds of posters. I hope they have all taken the good and bad and come out wiser than when they first joined. So what about this not so NewLeaf? I'm better. I don't cry every day. I sleep, eat and have a job. In the last month I've smiled and even laughed. The door to the house and I've walked outside willingly. Yoga is something I am really trying and my fingers have found piano keys again. I've gone to therapy and learned more about myself than I thought there was to know about me (and as far as "myself" goes, I should be the authority on the topic!) exMM to my understanding is out there somewhere, living his family life whatever that looks like for him. He hurt me to the core and nearly broke me. I see him for what he was and what he was before I even knew him. In that I also see my part, and who I was. While I wasn't capable of being sexual with a MM I did have a huge EA because I honestly believed he was getting D, and when I started to feel caring towards him after finding him married I should have used my head, thought through what was in front of me and just cut him off completely. My desire to be loved had me lose all reason. My life is going on, and getting better. Slowly. It will continue to do so. The love I had for ExMM is real, the hurt from ExMM is real. Both are fading, both are leaving scars but in remembering lies the self assurance that I will never, ever go back there again. The hand that touched the stove twice now with ExMM is SURE the stove is hot and burns. I'm no longer identifying as an OW, but a woman who is trying to hurt no one and be happy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Happy Thanksgiving lovely lady! (if you go back to my first posts you'll see what a HUGE thing it is for me to use MY term of endearment for very special women). For some reason I've felt an empathy for you from the start. Empathy as a woman hurting. I'm so glad that you're seeing yourself in that way now. You're not an OW!! You're a lovely lady standing proud on a big pile of manure. Your heart & soul touched me. You deserve tons of lovely in your future & I believe you'll get it in abundance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 Happy Thanksgiving lovely lady! (if you go back to my first posts you'll see what a HUGE thing it is for me to use MY term of endearment for very special women). For some reason I've felt an empathy for you from the start. Empathy as a woman hurting. I'm so glad that you're seeing yourself in that way now. You're not an OW!! You're a lovely lady standing proud on a big pile of manure. Your heart & soul touched me. You deserve tons of lovely in your future & I believe you'll get it in abundance. Thank you SL you have been a big support to me even whilst going through your own pain. you are quite a special woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Bravo NL! *applause* Thank you for taking us on your journey. So much to learn and admire in your struggle xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Thank you SolG. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 New Leaf, This what healing looks like. You went through the desperation and pain and now have some residual sadness, but just look at you! You have a strength you forgot you possessed, a will of iron to heal, a wonderful new job, great friends and a bright, bright future. I am sure you have learned a lot about yourself and about how you want your next relationship to work. You are amazing! Being strong isnt about never crying or being despondent. It's about being self-honest, being tough enough to do what's best for you even when you don't want to and sometimes just existing through the bad days to get back to the good days. You are an example to all of us. Be well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 Georgia Girl that's so lovely, I am more whole every day Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Apologies in advance Fusion. I don't think closure comes from within at all. Letting go and acceptance in my eyes do. Closure, no. So, what exactly is "closure". Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulIdiot Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 NewLeaf you give me hope and right now that is probably more than most have been able to do. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 Well I've not posted in awhile. I've been off trying to live the new life I'm creating. It's quite scary, very exciting and way over due. I read some threads recently that have told tales of ex MM with the same traits as my ExMM. I thought all his weirdness and cowardice was unique only to himself. Something strange happened to me this week. A former colleague of mine (and still a colleague of his) rang me to wish me a happy Christmas and congratulate me on my new post. (I know everyone thought I was completely barmy for resigning my role, and now I know I probably was because without this appointment I probably would never have been as successful again) He told me how completely jealous everyone is, and that they all now believe, as did he, that I knew I had "something up my sleeve" when I resigned and I took a few months off to holiday and train before the commencement of my new role. IF THEY ONLY KNEW! He then proceeded to catch me up on goss and I tried to end the call but I heard of who was pregnant, had a bereavement, had been on holiday etc. He dropped the bomb that ExMM eldest had gotten engaged and was due to be married and on and on about new office fittings etc. This is horribly mean an unkind, and I am not ashamed for it. My first thoughts were: At least the plain one got engaged first. Oh dear ExMM worst nightmare. He has no money to pay for a wedding. None. How embarrassing for him. And I have been laughing at the thought of him being humiliated at not having the money to pay for it because he let his BW over spend them into near bankruptcy. When we were friends before all this I used to particularly tell him to get a handle on it and stop it immediately and he was too much of a coward to enforce a budget. I went into my email backup and found an email bcc to me from him about it and I nearly died giggling at what a spineless coward he is. He sounds like he will be strong but he never enforced it. 1. Whether you chose to believe this or not, and I suspect not since you basically called me a liar last week, we are on the verge of bankruptcy. There are a lot of reasons for this and most of it is because I allowed it. This isn't a blame game and we can't go back and undo the things we have done. Just know that we have spent in salary, bonuses and stock more than $4M during my 22 years in practice. In 3 months of the last 12, just outgoings from your account were over $20,000 which is almost as much as your take home for 12 months in a year. We are averaging $2,100 a month in food from grocery and eating out. $25,200 a year. In March of 2015 we spent over $2000 in food and meals out. This is particularly staggering because there were only the 2 of us and it was Lent so I was mostly fasting. we need to immediately reduce this to grocery of $450 and dining out of $50. Manicures and pedicures cost $2400 minimum a year. We currently spend more than $4000 a month more than we earn, we have no savings and no assets. The reason we used to be able to do this was twice a rear I would sell stock to cover the short falls. There is no more stock to sell. -we must immediately cut spending on food - nails have to stop - there were many months with $500 in clothes. That has to stop - I need to pack my lunch - the girls must pay their own cell and car insurance - you must increase your income by $150 a week. Either go f/t or get a part time job - If I tell you we can't afford something we can't. Also please stop telling everyone I am cheap. We have a house with no equity and 2 mortgages and no other assets. - I get you don't want me working during time you want me to spend with you. I have a demanding job. I have to earn $240,000 base at the minimum so we won't lose everything. Please stop moaning about When I think of this it makes me want to vomit. I'm not in America but I don't know any family of 2 people who need to spend $2,000 a month in food. What a completely dysfunctional disaster and I am WELL CLEAR OF IT! Looking back at this makes me realise I made the luckiest escape ever. No matter if I'm alone forever, whatever my relationship status I will never have to deal with crazy again because I know better now. What a blessing I've found in the lovely purge of writing this out to all of you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shinebrightforever Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 So happy to read that moving on has started for you. And good on you that nobody knows everything behind your few months off. You are on a much better path NL. Keep going... Hug. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Hugs, my dear I m happy to read your last posts. U are strong and wonderful! I always knew u are going to get to a better place. God bless u 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Amazing that a grown, well educated and professional man who has his career together cannot seem to get his personal life in order. Goes to show you that there is absolutely no correlation between having your professional life together versus your personal life. My ex is a brilliant attorney and constantly makes high-level, strategic decisions that benefit the company enormously, yet he doesnt have a handle on his personal life. He constantly complains about his finances and I used to tell him that while he's got two young kids and a wife to support, they can scale back on things and make it work. His wife works too but doesn't do as well as him and expects him to float the boat. There's no teamwork in their M in managing their life: she wants a fulltime nanny, trendy clothes, eating out, private schools for kids (versus moving to a suburb with good public schools), premium cable tv, etc. He claims she says yes to everything and he resents that he looks like the bad guy for saying no, especially to the kids. He's still paying off his student loans and doesn't make as much as he should. But no, they don't set budgets (ironically his wife is an accountant). I even used to tell him to pack lunch because he eats out every day and that adds up fast, but he's tried talking to his wife and she won't do it for him (or so he says). In fact, he'd try to do it by following some simple lunch recipe ideas from me but come on, how hard is it to make some extra portions for dinner and pack leftovers for lunch for your hubby?? It's a strange dynamic and one I don't envy. I think some of these MM look at women like us and envy the position we are in and are looking to fulfill the lack of support and teamwork in their marriages. Also, since I am single and don't have kids, my ex used to envy me (sometimes bordering on unhealthy jealousy) because I can do as I please, go on nice vacations, eat out, etc. Unfortunately, these types of men just don't have the balls to get out of their M for a better partnership so they seek out a safety blanket, a happy escape, friendship, and validation - enter a gullible, vulnerable, loving, caring OW. NL, bullet dodged. You are marching on ahead. Edited December 12, 2015 by Lovetoohard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 I agree that my ExMM envied the life I have. He could have had the life I have for himself and his family if he made better choices. Someone on another thread was talking about Esther Perel whom I've not read. She said something along the lines of affairs aren't to escape the spouse but to escape the person the WS had themselves become. That seems about right 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 [quote=NewLeaf512; A former colleague of mine (and still a colleague of his) rang me to wish me a happy Christmas and congratulate me on my new post. He then proceeded to catch me up on goss and dropped the bomb that ExMM eldest had gotten engaged and was due to be married and on and on about new office fittings etc. This is horribly mean an unkind, and I am not ashamed for it. My first thoughts were: At least the plain one got engaged first. It is unkind to ridicule your ex-mm's daughter about her looks. Why would you not feel ashamed for posting such a cruel thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 It is unkind to ridicule your ex-mm's daughter about her looks. Why would you not feel ashamed for posting such a cruel thing? Actually, the not was a mistype. thanks for pointing it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) I agree that my ExMM envied the life I have. He could have had the life I have for himself and his family if he made better choices. Someone on another thread was talking about Esther Perel whom I've not read. She said something along the lines of affairs aren't to escape the spouse but to escape the person the WS had themselves become. That seems about right Well, you tried to help him make better choices, but he didn't want to be helped. His loss. He has to live this life he chose all day, every day. Can you imagine how horrible that must be? So for all the times you feel pain for the way he treated you, think about his lifelong punishment - holding her handbag, mortifying "hold my hand while I poop" or whatever moments, his depleting bank accounts, among other joys that are his M. I chose to move on by letting go of anger to get over the pain - granting my ex forgiveness for his self destructive ways and pitying him for his inability to muster the sense and courage to make choices that lead to a happy and healthy life is what is working for me in getting better. I agree that affairs are not to escape the spouse necessarily but to escape who the WS has become. Thought provoking. Either way you slice it, everyone has a choice to make changes. Edited December 12, 2015 by Lovetoohard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 Well, you tried to help him make better choices, but he didn't want to be helped. His loss. He has to live this life he chose all day, every day. Can you imagine how horrible that must be? So for all the times you feel pain for the way he treated you, think about his lifelong punishment - holding her handbag, mortifying "hold my hand while I poop" or whatever moments, his depleting bank accounts, among other joys that are his M. I chose to move on by letting go of anger to get over the pain - granting my ex forgiveness for his self destructive ways and pitying him for his inability to muster the sense and courage to make choices that lead to a happy and healthy life is what is working for me in getting better. I agree that affairs are not to escape the spouse necessarily but to escape who the WS has become. Thought provoking. Either way you slice it, everyone has a choice to make changes. Im not in excruciating pain anymore. I have painful moments but as you congratulated me on dodging a bullet, that's mostly how I feel. You are right, I get to live my life and he lives in his M which is enough punishment for any person. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that I can have therapy to fix myself and learn from my mistakes. There also isn't a day that goes by when I don't thank the universe for stopping me from making worse mistakes when I couldn't help myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Im not in excruciating pain anymore. NL, I am so pleased to hear this. When the pain has evolved to where it feels dull rather than sharp is such a relief. *sigh* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 NL, I am so pleased to hear this. When the pain has evolved to where it feels dull rather than sharp is such a relief. *sigh* Popsicle thanks! It's even better/ worse. An intermittent medium ache. I went a day without even the ache this week. X 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I agree that my ExMM envied the life I have. He could have had the life I have for himself and his family if he made better choices. Someone on another thread was talking about Esther Perel whom I've not read. She said something along the lines of affairs aren't to escape the spouse but to escape the person the WS had themselves become. That seems about right I love Esther Perel, she is very insightful and I believe this is true too. You should read her book "Mating in Captivity" - it is an open and honest discussion of the challenges that almost all marriages face that people don't want to talk about. My xMM wanted to escape the person he had become too, and engaging with me helped him feel that way. I saw that and knew that I honestly could not help him do that indefinitely like he wanted me to. I mean, maybe if I got paid to do that sort of thing, I could, but I needed something more. I felt like I was doing him a favor towards the end and it was just sad. Sad to see him in such a pitiful position and sad that he turned out to not be as attractive to me as in the beginning. (he seemed to strong to me in the beginning and I loved it) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Yes, you are doing wonderful, NL! If you go back through your old posts it's amazing to see how far along you've come and it will only get better! You went from not being able to do the basic things in life, like eat and sleep normally, to a brand new job, re-engaging with your social circle, taking care of your health and doing all the things that one does to savor life...all without that debilitating heavy ache or searing pain through your chest. You will look back on all this some day in the future and have a good laugh, if you're not already doing it! I'm a philosophical person and believe life works in mysterious ways. We struggle so much to make something work and suffer pain because our efforts are futile, only to realize that there's a bigger force that is working against you to guide you back on the right path. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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