gettingstronger Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Amazing that a grown, well educated and professional man who has his career together cannot seem to get his personal life in order. Goes to show you that there is absolutely no correlation between having your professional life together versus your personal life. My ex is a brilliant attorney and constantly makes high-level, strategic decisions that benefit the company enormously, yet he doesnt have a handle on his personal life. He constantly complains about his finances and I used to tell him that while he's got two young kids and a wife to support, they can scale back on things and make it work. His wife works too but doesn't do as well as him and expects him to float the boat. There's no teamwork in their M in managing their life: she wants a fulltime nanny, trendy clothes, eating out, private schools for kids (versus moving to a suburb with good public schools), premium cable tv, etc. He claims she says yes to everything and he resents that he looks like the bad guy for saying no, especially to the kids. He's still paying off his student loans and doesn't make as much as he should. But no, they don't set budgets (ironically his wife is an accountant). I even used to tell him to pack lunch because he eats out every day and that adds up fast, but he's tried talking to his wife and she won't do it for him (or so he says). In fact, he'd try to do it by following some simple lunch recipe ideas from me but come on, how hard is it to make some extra portions for dinner and pack leftovers for lunch for your hubby?? It's a strange dynamic and one I don't envy. I think some of these MM look at women like us and envy the position we are in and are looking to fulfill the lack of support and teamwork in their marriages. Also, since I am single and don't have kids, my ex used to envy me (sometimes bordering on unhealthy jealousy) because I can do as I please, go on nice vacations, eat out, etc. Unfortunately, these types of men just don't have the balls to get out of their M for a better partnership so they seek out a safety blanket, a happy escape, friendship, and validation - enter a gullible, vulnerable, loving, caring OW. NL, bullet dodged. You are marching on ahead. I don't understand how viewing his life like that helps you heal, it would make me feel worse. I'd feel like he had every reason to leave but chose not to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 I don't understand how viewing his life like that helps you heal, it would make me feel worse. I'd feel like he had every reason to leave but chose not to. Hi gettingstronger That's exactly right he had every reason to leave but couldn't/ wouldn't because he didn't want to. Why he didn't want to is immaterial. It could range from anything on a spectrum of he didn't love me at all and didn't think I was worth it to him being too much of a coward with no self respect. What matters is that for once, he did the right thing. If he chose differently and went through with his D but wasn't 100% certain that what he was doing was what HE wanted, instead of a relatively short bout of excruciating pain, it could have been a lifetime. Without him chosing otherwise I may not have had a chance to go to therapy, yoga, self-reflect, gain new understanding, change behaviours and become a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Why he didn't want to is immaterial. It could range from anything on a spectrum of he didn't love me at all and didn't think I was worth it to him being too much of a coward with no self respect. For men like this I think it's almost never about either of the women - the BS or the OW, or his respective feelings for either. They do what is "best" for themselves, because that's the only person that matters to them. That can be choosing to stay because it's easier/cheaper/whatever or choosing to stay because they now worry about the OW leaving them or choosing to leave because the OW will take care of them, etc. In no way does love enter into it, because it's all about him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I went a day without even the ache this week. X This is so so so good to hear!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 This is so so so good to hear!! Thanks Yodel. I hope to think about it less and less every day. We will see! Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulIdiot Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I went a day without even the ache this week. X Proof that this day is in my future. This makes me happy for both of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 Proof that this day is in my future. This makes me happy for both of us. Day 170. Last day of work before Chrimbo. Therapy was this morning, which was the last of 2015. I've learned a lot this year about myself and the world around me, and I've grown as a woman in many regards. If last year I'd had been told where I would be this year and all I would come to experience, I would have thought it false. In spite of it all or because of it all I am a better person in a better place than I was 1 year ago today. Hanukkah has past, and Christmas is almost here, the anniversary of the shooting, and the New Year all in the next few days. I've never really liked this time of year, but this year I find myself in better spirits than in times gone by. Being mindful and conscious of myself and the world around me and finally after a lifetime of thinking everything bad is always because of something I had done (or not done!) comes the knowledge that I can't change or control anyone or anything but myself. Surprisingly, it's a huge relief. As for exMM I recall that this is his very favourite time of year. I don't wonder if he is enjoying it, but I hope his family is. This year I will too knowing I don't have to be glued to my phone waiting for a text or email or even a call. The bittersweet freedom of all of that isn't lost on me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 and to quote Louise Hay: I love and approve of myself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 NL-I was just conversing about Louise Hay and reading her book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I should hope you approve of yourself Leaf. Enjoy the Festive Season. My family and I are going to a posh Chinese YumCha for lunch. I apologise for losing track of your thread... did you get the job you wanted? Warm Wishes, Poppy.xxx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 I should hope you approve of yourself Leaf. Enjoy the Festive Season. My family and I are going to a posh Chinese YumCha for lunch. I apologise for losing track of your thread... did you get the job you wanted? Warm Wishes, Poppy.xxx Hi Poppy! I did. It's very humbling to have the opportunity I do. The gratitude I have can't be overstated. For whatever reason the universe honoured me with a gift and for that I am very thankful. Have you got your special ensemble ready to go? NL xx xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 NL-I was just conversing about Louise Hay and reading her book. Louise Hay is an embodiment of transcending the past. Many people might find her techniques to be old fashioned, but they resonate clearly to me. How have you found it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 NL~~I love it! I admire her so much. A dear friend/mentor of mine is "new agey" and creative/brilliant. She told me about Louise and encouraged me to read her books. They have had a powerful impact on her. Generally I am a happy, optimistic, joyous person. Lately I have felt stress, personal loses and the chaos in the World have been affecting me internally, so I am learning tools from Louise's wisdom to help me. I love her daily affirmations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 NL~~I love it! I admire her so much. A dear friend/mentor of mine is "new agey" and creative/brilliant. She told me about Louise and encouraged me to read her books. They have had a powerful impact on her. Generally I am a happy, optimistic, joyous person. Lately I have felt stress, personal loses and the chaos in the World have been affecting me internally, so I am learning tools from Louise's wisdom to help me. I love her daily affirmations. You are uniquely you, there will never be another x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 Im having just an eh day. Last Christmas alone hogwash 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Im having just an eh day. Last Christmas alone hogwash Hugs, New Leaf! Don't try to think of it as Christmas alone - you have all of us! And to be honest, I am feeling very meh about Christmas, too - even though I will be with my hubby. I got too excited too early... Do it every year. By the time Christmas rolls around, I am over it. So please don't think all of the coupled-up people are all walking around singing, "Baby, it's cold outside," to each other. Most of us are just slogging through the finish-up-work, wrap gifts, bake more stinking cookies and clean the pine needles up again routine. I was a single girl for a very, very long time. I always felt a little sad and awkward around the holidays - like all of the couples were having fun and I was just on the outside looking in. Now that I am part of a couple - and I love my husband like crazy - I wish desperately that I could have told my single self how much I WASNT missing when I thought I was. Cheers, New Leaf! You have made so much progress on a tough journey that you more than me should celebrate. I wish you and yours the happiest of holidays! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 Hugs, New Leaf! Don't try to think of it as Christmas alone - you have all of us! And to be honest, I am feeling very meh about Christmas, too - even though I will be with my hubby. I got too excited too early... Do it every year. By the time Christmas rolls around, I am over it. So please don't think all of the coupled-up people are all walking around singing, "Baby, it's cold outside," to each other. Most of us are just slogging through the finish-up-work, wrap gifts, bake more stinking cookies and clean the pine needles up again routine. I was a single girl for a very, very long time. I always felt a little sad and awkward around the holidays - like all of the couples were having fun and I was just on the outside looking in. Now that I am part of a couple - and I love my husband like crazy - I wish desperately that I could have told my single self how much I WASNT missing when I thought I was. Cheers, New Leaf! You have made so much progress on a tough journey that you more than me should celebrate. I wish you and yours the happiest of holidays! Thanks Georgia Girl. You pretty much summed it up. Add that to one of the major holidays between now and 3 Jan being the anniversary of my H horrific gun crime and suicide, plus enough fireworks to mean Valium will be daily to try to stop my PTSD having me spend days in a closet, and you get my meh-ness. I need to make some new memories around this time of year and that's why I'm doing couture Christmas lunch. NL x Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 I remembered about your ex when I saw your post. This time of year has to be very triggery for you. Just please don't feel like you're missing out on anything. We all have way too many expectations around the holidays and then it becomes a letdown. I think it's so cool that you are doing a couture lunch. What a great new tradition. And seriously, I was only half-kidding. This may not be the holiday you were looking for, but you do have us and couture. You are a wonderful lady, New Leaf! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 I remembered about your ex when I saw your post. This time of year has to be very triggery for you. Just please don't feel like you're missing out on anything. We all have way too many expectations around the holidays and then it becomes a letdown. I think it's so cool that you are doing a couture lunch. What a great new tradition. And seriously, I was only half-kidding. This may not be the holiday you were looking for, but you do have us and couture. You are a wonderful lady, New Leaf! Thank you Georgia Girl. I'm glad I found this place. My yoga instructor has told me she will come and do a practice with me every day but Christmas so I'm looking forward to that. It's very strange weather here which is actually making it feel less festive. I don't do church related activities. The holiday I give religious significance to just passed but I do like the spirit of the holiday season very much. I am grateful for all my internet friends like you. NL x Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 NL, if you can get away, how about a nice beach vacation post Christmas? There's something so refreshing about getting away from the cliched stuff and going someplace that's good for the soul. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Share Posted December 22, 2015 NL, if you can get away, how about a nice beach vacation post Christmas? There's something so refreshing about getting away from the cliched stuff and going someplace that's good for the soul. A little beach is a good idea. I am planning to go to Ixtapa in February and Thailand for my birthday at Easter. Do you have a favourite beach? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 That's fantastic, NL! Thailand and Ixtapa are fabulous choices. I have several favorites and depending on how much time I have and the proximity to the destination, I tend to do at least one beach vacation per year (usually right after xmas and through NY's) to recharge. I enjoy Cozumel, Belize and Maui. If I had more time, I would go to Thailand or Vietnam again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Share Posted December 24, 2015 That's fantastic, NL! Thailand and Ixtapa are fabulous choices. I have several favorites and depending on how much time I have and the proximity to the destination, I tend to do at least one beach vacation per year (usually right after xmas and through NY's) to recharge. I enjoy Cozumel, Belize and Maui. If I had more time, I would go to Thailand or Vietnam again. I've not been to Belize but I hear it is simply stunning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted December 24, 2015 Author Share Posted December 24, 2015 Well for the first time in a long time I had a bad night. I dreamt of ExMM all night. I even woke up, got water, fell back asleep and the dream picked up right where it left off. buggar Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 It's the time of year. Accept it for what it was (a nightmare!) be glad it's no longer your reality and make sure you take the time today to do at least one thing you really enjoy. Be happy, you're free 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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