OW - my aftermath [update: day 205]

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks all. I'm struggling a bit because my hand will be disfigured and I probably can't play piano

[Lovetoohard]

Were you able to consult with a reconstructive plastic surgeon? This is awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[NewLeaf512]

Were you able to consult with a reconstructive plastic surgeon? This is awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I have a specialist hand reconstruction plastic surgeon but until it has some therapy they wont touch it.

[Poppy47]

Hi New Leaf,

 

It seems ludicrous to wish you a Happy New Year in view of your injury, so best wishes for a speedy rehabilitation.

 

Warmest Regards,

Poppy.

[ShatteredLady]

Nerves recover at a frustratingly slow rate. Ugh!! It's such a bugger!!

 

I've got lots of spine issues including a piece of disc in my S1 nerve root. From watching me walk now you would never guess. Not the slightest limp unless it's a really bad day!

 

Do your therapy & follow instructions for caring for your wounds. It's all about time....

 

This time last year I was so miserable because of the mess my surgeon left my stomach in. Ugh! He even caused another 'gusher' removing staples. I thought I'd never be able to wear a revealing swim cozy again. You can tell that somethings happened there but it's really not that noticeable now.

 

When my Dad was young he had an accident cutting 3 of his fingers (imagine a diagonal line from the tip of middle finger down to the pinky middle joint) It took a long time but the nail came back on his middle & he has no pain at all.

 

Part of his bucket list was learning to play the sax!!! He did it!! He's bloody good! I know that has little relevance to your situation. I'm just showing off because I'm so proud of him! He's also got a degenerative spine (looks like a scenic railway) & took up golf (over age 60) & has a single digit handicap now!!

 

I adore you but I bet you're not completely perfect. We've all got little war wounds from life. We notice them a LOT more than anyone else does.

 

I'm so sorry. Don't rush things & don't cry over milk that hasn't spilt yet....

[NewLeaf512]

Nerves recover at a frustratingly slow rate. Ugh!! It's such a bugger!!

 

I've got lots of spine issues including a piece of disc in my S1 nerve root. From watching me walk now you would never guess. Not the slightest limp unless it's a really bad day!

 

Do your therapy & follow instructions for caring for your wounds. It's all about time....

 

This time last year I was so miserable because of the mess my surgeon left my stomach in. Ugh! He even caused another 'gusher' removing staples. I thought I'd never be able to wear a revealing swim cozy again. You can tell that somethings happened there but it's really not that noticeable now.

 

When my Dad was young he had an accident cutting 3 of his fingers (imagine a diagonal line from the tip of middle finger down to the pinky middle joint) It took a long time but the nail came back on his middle & he has no pain at all.

 

Part of his bucket list was learning to play the sax!!! He did it!! He's bloody good! I know that has little relevance to your situation. I'm just showing off because I'm so proud of him! He's also got a degenerative spine (looks like a scenic railway) & took up golf (over age 60) & has a single digit handicap now!!

 

I adore you but I bet you're not completely perfect. We've all got little war wounds from life. We notice them a LOT more than anyone else does.

 

I'm so sorry. Don't rush things & don't cry over milk that hasn't spilt yet....

 

 

I also have the tube map of London on my chest and almost to my back from a bilateral mastectomy. Not perfect, me. xx

[NewLeaf512]

Deep thought for today:

 

 

was my exMM a psychopath and that is why he disposed of me like trash??

[Ms. Faust]

Possibly a sociopath? I often hear affair partners described as sociopath.

[NewLeaf512]

Possibly a sociopath? I often hear affair partners described as sociopath.

 

 

Thanks Mrs F.

 

I'll have a think

[ShatteredLady]

Did he meet his wife at school?

 

I ask because in all of the analysis I did I realized that I was as responsible for my H's 'nurture' as his parents really! He went from school too uni at 17 & then lived with me.

 

Your plonker is clearly not emotionally developed. When I first posted to you I questioned their 'contact bonding' (sorry, can't remember what you called it). Was that a result of her crazy or church therapy advise to 'manage' him? Had he cheated in any way before?

 

I didn't know if I should post this or not. You can drive yourself crazy trying to analyse bum-holes! I don't know if it's right to encourage you to go there again....but I don't think much is going to stop you.

 

The problem is they truly believe so much of what they say & do. It's not all lies. Not in their heads. Not at the time.

 

He's clearly lacking in normal human empathy. My H says that the nightmare/fantasy thrill of it all turned him into an insect! He felt like he was just reacting in the moment & focusing so much on how to 'survive' in the moment that he didn't truly think about even what he was planning for the future.

 

I know! He's a highly intelligent man. He's a bloody project manager!!! How can he professionally analyse & plan everything from every angle but couldn't see the gaping holes in his fantasy? He was going to move to this snowy place in the middle of nowhere...he HATES the cold & he hates being alone AND he's got children!! AND he's got an ailing father, twin sister etc etc... WTF?!?

 

What stops people taking big steps in life? FEAR!

 

At what point did his wife find out everything & how long was it until he turned? I think analyzing the wife's control & his weakness would get you further if you need to do this. From what you've said he's lacking emotional maturity. You knew her before. You knew THEM before....was she born crazy or was she as 'nurtured' by a life with him as he was with her? Know what I mean?

[ShatteredLady]

Your front, my back & we've got a map of the greater London area!!

[ShatteredLady]

Search - How to Tell a Sociopath from a Psychopath. He's definitely more the latter than the former from what I understand. His 'crime' was organized & truly lacked empathy.

 

"Psychopaths, on the other hand, are unable to form emotional attachments or feel real empathy with others, although they often have disarming or even charming personalities. Psychopaths are very manipulative and can easily gain people’s trust. They learn to mimic emotions, despite their inability to actually feel them, and will appear normal to unsuspecting people. Psychopaths are often well educated and hold steady jobs. Some are so good at manipulation and mimicry that they have families and other long-term relationships without those around them ever suspecting their true nature."

Edited January 6, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[winterkeep]

Deep thought for today:

 

 

was my exMM a psychopath and that is why he disposed of me like trash??

 

There would be a whole cluster of behaviours if he were a psychopath that go beyond his ability to detach from you quickly. His behaviour toward you at the end was very cruel but may also have been an attempt to quickly gain favour and save himself.

 

It's not that I am doubting you, often it is only those who are close that can identify a true psychopath (which is used interchangeably with malignant narcissist being the most severe form of NPD). I do get concerned when I hear the diagnosis thrown around on forums as it detracts from true victim identification and understanding of impact these people can have in their victims lives.

 

There are most definitely MM on this site who I would say with confidence are true narcs or psychopaths, yours isn't one of them from what I've read - although he is a massive jerk who does not deserve you! I ask this next question with caution as frankly I believe that you are far enough in your healing that it has become about you, bringing the focus back on him until you have reached complete detachment may be detrimental, but what in his behaviour do you believe made him a psychopath?

 

Again don't feel you need to answer now, you'd be better off taking that energy and using it to think about the next outfit you're planning to buy!

[winterkeep]

Possibly a sociopath? I often hear affair partners described as sociopath.

 

A sociopath is typically very disordered, they usually have a cluster of psychological co-morbidities and lack formal education and/or employment. Think of your unemployed to lower end of the working class criminal with poor impulse control, uncontrolled addictions and chaotic behaviour.

 

I can't imagine NL with a man like that!

[winterkeep]

Also! I forgot to say I'm so sorry about your hand, you poor thing its often one thing after the other isn't it?

 

Not to minimalise but it's VERY early in your recovery and your physician will likely have given you the worst case scenario so that you can think they're God when you make a full recovery..just joking ..so you have grounded expectations of the outcome.

 

I'm assuming that being in the UK you have easy access to allied health services? You are a very determined woman, if anyone will dance again it will be you

 

I hope you didn't find my response on psychopaths condescending, I didn't mean for it to be, but really you are doing so well in your recovery why make it about him again - he's not worth it!

 

Like people you see being strung along in damaging relationships for years, the same patterns emerge on relationship support boards. People may be physically out of the relationship but remain emotionally stuck and cast in a victim role of their own making for years. I'm visiting less and less here for that reason, this needs to be about me and not him although people such as you and LemonDrop keep me coming back to see just how well you are going!

[NewLeaf512]

Did he meet his wife at school?

 

I ask because in all of the analysis I did I realized that I was as responsible for my H's 'nurture' as his parents really! He went from school too uni at 17 & then lived with me.

 

Your plonker is clearly not emotionally developed. When I first posted to you I questioned their 'contact bonding' (sorry, can't remember what you called it). Was that a result of her crazy or church therapy advise to 'manage' him? Had he cheated in any way before?

 

I didn't know if I should post this or not. You can drive yourself crazy trying to analyse bum-holes! I don't know if it's right to encourage you to go there again....but I don't think much is going to stop you.

 

The problem is they truly believe so much of what they say & do. It's not all lies. Not in their heads. Not at the time.

 

He's clearly lacking in normal human empathy. My H says that the nightmare/fantasy thrill of it all turned him into an insect! He felt like he was just reacting in the moment & focusing so much on how to 'survive' in the moment that he didn't truly think about even what he was planning for the future.

 

I know! He's a highly intelligent man. He's a bloody project manager!!! How can he professionally analyse & plan everything from every angle but couldn't see the gaping holes in his fantasy? He was going to move to this snowy place in the middle of nowhere...he HATES the cold & he hates being alone AND he's got children!! AND he's got an ailing father, twin sister etc etc... WTF?!?

 

What stops people taking big steps in life? FEAR!

 

At what point did his wife find out everything & how long was it until he turned? I think analyzing the wife's control & his weakness would get you further if you need to do this. From what you've said he's lacking emotional maturity. You knew her before. You knew THEM before....was she born crazy or was she as 'nurtured' by a life with him as he was with her? Know what I mean?

 

She asked him to a dance when she was 16 and he was 18. The next day she told him that she was his gf and she told him she wanted to marry him on Sadie Hawkins day. She told me this 7 years ago.

 

Attachment marriage and it's down to her issues.

 

He told he and told me he told her and then never spoke to me again. Total turn around? An hour.

 

Xx

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry...just to be clear... He planned to leave her & move to UK (or were you moving too USA?). You helped organize divorce. He planned to tell her everything & leave? He told you he had told her the plan? Then NOTHING after an hour?

 

What was he planning to do about his kids?

 

So...something happened (her reaction) in that hour for him to go completely NC?

 

I'd say she's got him by the balls but I'm not sure he's got any!

 

Has he ever had an A or EA since he was 18?

 

Has SHE ever contacted you?

 

 

I know it's not considered 'healthy' to do this but I can't stop myself analyzing behavior so I can't 'cast the first stone'. I've described my d-day but it's night & day with your situation so I don't think that could help much.

 

Did he have plans about his kids?

[NewLeaf512]

Sorry...just to be clear... He planned to leave her & move to UK (or were you moving too USA?). You helped organize divorce. He planned to tell her everything & leave? He told you he had told her the plan? Then NOTHING after an hour?

 

What was he planning to do about his kids?

 

So...something happened (her reaction) in that hour for him to go completely NC?

 

I'd say she's got him by the balls but I'm not sure he's got any!

 

Has he ever had an A or EA since he was 18?

 

Has SHE ever contacted you?

 

 

I know it's not considered 'healthy' to do this but I can't stop myself analyzing behavior so I can't 'cast the first stone'. I've described my d-day but it's night & day with your situation so I don't think that could help much.

 

Did he have plans about his kids?

 

He did tell her I heard her. they have a law stating he had to live apart for a year and I had a place for him as well as advancing him the $$ for his D. His kids are all over 20. The youngest told him to get a D because "mom is way too needy and acts like A juvinile and is driving is all crazy"

 

Neither she nor he ever directly contacted me again.

 

X

[ShatteredLady]

Did you need him to leave the USA? Would you of moved here for him?

 

Just tell me if you want me to stop doing this lovely.

 

Logic states that she hit him with 'something' that made him bottle it.

 

He planned to leave. Mustered the balls to have the conversation. Telephoned you....did he say he'd spoken (you could hear her in the background) AND was leaving as planned? Or was he sounding doubtful, mind changed?

 

Was she freaking in the background?

 

Change, real change is terrifying but in my experience the moment you choose to talk is the moment of change. Saying the words is the hard bit...then you walk out the door.

 

I don't think you'll ever know exactly why but logic & knowledge can eliminate many of the probabilities.

 

I'm so sorry lovely lady. You didn't deserve this. It's beyond cowardly. Is it truly important to you now, after all of your progress, to figure out which of the lame, soulless reasons he chose to do this to you?

 

Is it possible that she reminded him of who he truly is & made him realize that if he did have you 24/7 you would of dumped him?

[bathtub-row]

He's not a sociopath or a psycho. He's an arse!

 

There isn't a nice word for what he did you.

 

You need to make sure your hand heals so that you can slap the patookie out of him if you accidentally run into him!

[NewLeaf512]

He's not a sociopath or a psycho. He's an arse!

 

There isn't a nice word for what he did you.

 

You need to make sure your hand heals so that you can slap the patookie out of him if you accidentally run into him!

 

This made me cackle with laughter. I'd never ever hit someone unless I was fighting for my life but the thought of it is satisfying!

[NewLeaf512]

Did you need him to leave the USA? Would you of moved here for him?

 

Just tell me if you want me to stop doing this lovely.

 

Logic states that she hit him with 'something' that made him bottle it.

 

He planned to leave. Mustered the balls to have the conversation. Telephoned you....did he say he'd spoken (you could hear her in the background) AND was leaving as planned? Or was he sounding doubtful, mind changed?

 

Was she freaking in the background?

 

Change, real change is terrifying but in my experience the moment you choose to talk is the moment of change. Saying the words is the hard bit...then you walk out the door.

 

I don't think you'll ever know exactly why but logic & knowledge can eliminate many of the probabilities.

 

I'm so sorry lovely lady. You didn't deserve this. It's beyond cowardly. Is it truly important to you now, after all of your progress, to figure out which of the lame, soulless reasons he chose to do this to you?

 

Is it possible that she reminded him of who he truly is & made him realize that if he did have you 24/7 you would of dumped him?

 

Darling Girl

 

I wish I could say that he had the balls to tell her, I forced it because I told him I would tell her. In fact I wrote him before and told him "stop being Hamlet". So I ungraciously broke the mistress code and rand. I could hear hear crying which was awful. He said "I've told her, I've told her everything, even about the lawyer"

 

Then he put the phone down. That was it,

[Popsicle]

Deep thought for today:

 

 

was my exMM a psychopath and that is why he disposed of me like trash??

 

I don't think so. I just think reality hit him and he got scared.

[NewLeaf512]

I don't think so. I just think reality hit him and he got scared.

 

The reality of being a douche? Anyone has the right to change their mind about things any time. To do what he did makes him a butt

[NewLeaf512]

There would be a whole cluster of behaviours if he were a psychopath that go beyond his ability to detach from you quickly. His behaviour toward you at the end was very cruel but may also have been an attempt to quickly gain favour and save himself.

 

It's not that I am doubting you, often it is only those who are close that can identify a true psychopath (which is used interchangeably with malignant narcissist being the most severe form of NPD). I do get concerned when I hear the diagnosis thrown around on forums as it detracts from true victim identification and understanding of impact these people can have in their victims lives.

 

There are most definitely MM on this site who I would say with confidence are true narcs or psychopaths, yours isn't one of them from what I've read - although he is a massive jerk who does not deserve you! I ask this next question with caution as frankly I believe that you are far enough in your healing that it has become about you, bringing the focus back on him until you have reached complete detachment may be detrimental, but what in his behaviour do you believe made him a psychopath?

 

Again don't feel you need to answer now, you'd be better off taking that energy and using it to think about the next outfit you're planning to buy!

 

Hi Winterkeep

 

You raise a good point. The amateur PD diagnosises are bandied about too often with ease. My mother is a diagnosed BPD so I understand what you mean.

 

It's taken me overnight to write back because I was thinking about the benefit of modifying behaviour to break pathways being created by visiting here and giving the pain more energy. This has a lot of merit and I am going to come here less so that I can turn my focus to more important things that give me pleasure like learning vegan cookery, high fashion, travel, makeup, diet, gardening and horseback riding (particularly dressage).

 

This forum has provided me a place to go through a lot of this pretty horrible process and has found me friends in places I never thought possible. I also appreciate the mods who I often irritated by not understanding the rules, who knew it wasn't out of malice.

 

I don't know if I will ever fully recover from the heartbreak of this man. I bought it all. I was naïve. I've not had much experience with men and I honestly believed every word. Coming off the catastrophe with my H, it cut me in half emotionally. I loved him with all my heart, knowing now I was a fool doesn't make it disappear, and a part of me will always love the fantasy of what I thought I had, much like one would love a favourite book.

 

So to all of the people like you WK, SL, BR, Yodel, Lovestoohard, OneLuv, Popsicle, PreRaph, Lemondrop, BeautifulIdiot and anyone else who wants to keep in touch with me, I will be checking PM's and posting much less.

 

It's fitting to do this on day 190. 6 months and 6 days, 273,600 minutes, and 27 weeks and 1 days since ExMM gave me the only real gifts he ever gave me: my freedom and my dignity.

 

Leafy X