Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Newleaf, I'm sorry this is a sad day for you. But your user name shows you do have optimism that you can turn over a newleaf. Yes, you can. I think all of us on this board must share a common trait of having self esteem issues and this is why we behave in inappropriate ways. This is an old wound from an early age in our life. NPD and narcissists all have a core issue of low self esteem, low self worth and consequently I'm convinced we all have some form of attachment disorder - whether it is avoidant (push away) or anxious-avoidant (pull-push). The solution is we grow up and face that deficit inside. There are ways to build up our sense of self worth without engaging others for this need. We can learn to see ourselves, and to let that be enough. That can fill us up. Getting inappropriate messages from other men is a sign you are still putting out these signals and others who are damaged respond. I face up that I'm still doing this too. I'm getting in these situations now with other married men (being invited to go on a day trip by car to an art event in the city, getting told by another he "loves me" when inviting me to go to a concert on his extra ticket, getting told I have beautiful eyes by another MM). "Gosh! How did this happen" is my naive and still unhealthy, BS response. "Uggh, stop engaging unavailable men in boosting up your self esteem" is my healthier response. "Just stop it!!!" I've had a lifetime of thinking that I'm just being friendly, but no, I'm damaged and am using playful banter out of boredom or to make life more fun or to try to get a fix of being "seen" in a way that is setting a terrible model for my daughter of how to interact in this world. Face yourself, grow up, heal, stop sending out signals, be kind to yourself if you relapse but try the next day not to make the same mistake again. Learn to see your own NP or BPD traits (it can be on a continuum) and try to imitate how healthy people are in the world in terms of their boundaries and style of interaction. There is still a "you" there if you learn better boundaries and how to carry yourself. I still backslide daily. Just at the car dealership I turned on the switch for an exchange with the guy filling out my paperwork. I recognized it immediately after I had done it. My next encounter with him I interacted in a "boring transactional way." There was no fun by missing that spark, but it was a step in the right direction of becoming a more solid, less damaged person. You will find your newleaf I know! Thanks for your post. I've been in therapy and had to have evaluations by psychiatrists (3) to get my security clearance for my role and I don't have a PD. I'm not sure why you think that. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I'm sorry you were lied to and deceived as many here have been. I'll suggest you don't know me, and if you'd walked in my shoes you'd not be able to say I wallow in misery. If your husband or wife ever shoots people, and then blows their brains out standing toe to toe with you, and you were able to carry on, please let me know. You're still alive though. You're still here. That means you have the opportunity to turn things around. It may be difficult, but how do you know you won't be an inspiration to somebody? How do you know you won't be an example of how to overcome against the odds, as so many other people have been? You can turn this around. It starts with believing you can. Believing you will 2 Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I meant to focus just on the self esteem aspect. I do know there is a whole procedure to diagnose personality disorders and I didn't mean to suggest that for you, as I know it is extreme. But what that axis of personality disorders shares is the root of poor self esteem. In my case too, my therapists have told me they don't believe I have a PD myself, and that was a relief given my mother likely had BPD. But I personally have come to see that my "friendly" style can come off as flirting or bad boundaries and I see my behavior as tied in to self esteem. When you wrote about getting inappropriate messages from men, it triggered my recognition that I'm engaged in this behavior too, but am trying to look at my role in the dynamic. That is all. Didn't mean to offend you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 You're still alive though. You're still here. That means you have the opportunity to turn things around. It may be difficult, but how do you know you won't be an inspiration to somebody? How do you know you won't be an example of how to overcome against the odds, as so many other people have been? You can turn this around. It starts with believing you can. Believing you will Yes I am still here. So what? Parts of who you are and who you were can never be recaptured. It's exhausting trying to "overcome". I don't seek to be an inspiration to anyone. There is only so much one person can take. In the last 10 years I've accomplished things and helped others. Still I have a right to some happiness in my life. I'm sick of fighting and trying and that is MY EXPERIENCE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I meant to focus just on the self esteem aspect. I do know there is a whole procedure to diagnose personality disorders and I didn't mean to suggest that for you, as I know it is extreme. But what that axis of personality disorders shares is the root of poor self esteem. In my case too, my therapists have told me they don't believe I have a PD myself, and that was a relief given my mother likely had BPD. But I personally have come to see that my "friendly" style can come off as flirting or bad boundaries and I see my behavior as tied in to self esteem. When you wrote about getting inappropriate messages from men, it triggered my recognition that I'm engaged in this behavior too, but am trying to look at my role in the dynamic. That is all. Didn't mean to offend you. Thank you. I do and have suffered from low self esteem and as I am sure you know, people with low self esteem are often easy targets for people with PD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Yes I am still here. So what? Parts of who you are and who you were can never be recaptured. It's exhausting trying to "overcome". I don't seek to be an inspiration to anyone. There is only so much one person can take. In the last 10 years I've accomplished things and helped others. Still I have a right to some happiness in my life. I'm sick of fighting and trying and that is MY EXPERIENCE. Actually, it's not your experience. You've just admitted that you've accomplished some things and helped others. That alone makes your statement from your original post "there is no hope for me to ever have any semblance of a life" untrue. Obviously there IS hope and you CAN have a life. Furthermore, if you were to look at your life objectively, there have been times you've smiled, moments of happiness and moments you've been at peace. You're just choosing to reflect upon and cling to the negative and the bad. That's your CHOICE, not an accurate reflection of your experience and definitely not indicative of what is possible for your life. Love, joy, happiness, success ... all of that is possible for you. You have to choose them instead of clinging to a dark past. I'm not going to allow you to lie to me and tell me there is no hope for you. You know and I know that is not true. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Newleaf, I haven't followed all your posts so I apologize if you covered this in detail before - did everybody in the office know about the affair? If so, how did they find out? Did you subsequently voluntarily leave your job or were you fired? If you work in different countries, I would imagine that it would be easier to get over it and move on. I currently work with my exMM, on the same floor, 5 offices down the hall, and in the same group. I am healing and have learned to actively compartmentalize. Everyone in the office now knows about us and we even got questioned by HR, but it's starting to blow over. My career is far too important to screw up over some jerk who took advantage of me. I am a proud, confident and well accomplished professional woman who had a weak moment and I won't succumb to that again. That's my mantra every single day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Newleaf, I haven't followed all your posts so I apologize if you covered this in detail before - did everybody in the office know about the affair? If so, how did they find out? Did you subsequently voluntarily leave your job or were you fired? If you work in different countries, I would imagine that it would be easier to get over it and move on. I currently work with my exMM, on the same floor, 5 offices down the hall, and in the same group. I am healing and have learned to actively compartmentalize. Everyone in the office now knows about us and we even got questioned by HR, but it's starting to blow over. My career is far too important to screw up over some jerk who took advantage of me. I am a proud, confident and well accomplished professional woman who had a weak moment and I won't succumb to that again. That's my mantra every single day. Thanks for your post. It's been covered. No one knew it was an affair. He said he was separated. Then that he dumped me to return to his W. I resigned my role voluntarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Agree with "MidKnightDreams", "NewLeaf" you have achieved a lot, and you did have bounced back. So dramatic. None of it is true though. There IS hope for you and you CAN go on to have a spectacular life. You're just choosing to wallow in misery. I was also lied to and deceived. So many of us here have been mistreated, disrespected, used and abused. None of that is a valid reason to give up on life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Agree with "MidKnightDreams", "NewLeaf" you have achieved a lot, and you did have bounced back. I have not bounced back. I have no job. I'm broken emotionally. I am frightened, and depressed. I'm not motivated or inspired. In the 102 days I felt hope and happiness 2x in the 102 days. Once about a friend and the other about the role I got and now don't have. That isn't bouncing back. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 {{}} Sending you "Cyber" hug. Sorry I guess I miss the post context again, didn't you recently get another role that you had been posted? What's wrong with the new role, are you going to take it or why not? I have not bounced back. I have no job. I'm broken emotionally. I am frightened, and depressed. I'm not motivated or inspired. In the 102 days I felt hope and happiness 2x in the 102 days. Once about a friend and the other about the role I got and now don't have. That isn't bouncing back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 {{}} Sending you "Cyber" hug. Sorry I guess I miss the post context again, didn't you recently get another role that you had been posted? What's wrong with the new role, are you going to take it or why not? Mount I did get another role which I accepted and received a contract on and was meant to start this week. Last week the person who hired me and the top person (his boss) had a HUGE argument. The person who hired me is suspended for insubordination, the other 2 members of the team are on paid leave pending outcome and my contract was pulled back and they will pay me a settlement. Out of work again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 {{}} Sending you "Cyber" hug. Sorry I guess I miss the post context again, didn't you recently get another role that you had been posted? What's wrong with the new role, are you going to take it or why not? Thanks for hug Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Now I understand, but keep in mind, even though you might mix this "glitch" with your personal past experience, it is really totally different matter if you look closely objectively. You will get another one for sure. And if you think positively it is might coming from somewhere by destiny, and let you have more relaxed time instead of jumping into workforce again with still heavy mind. Don't you not think so. Mount I did get another role which I accepted and received a contract on and was meant to start this week. Last week the person who hired me and the top person (his boss) had a HUGE argument. The person who hired me is suspended for insubordination, the other 2 members of the team are on paid leave pending outcome and my contract was pulled back and they will pay me a settlement. Out of work again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Now I understand, but keep in mind, even though you might mix this "glitch" with your personal past experience, it is really totally different matter if you look closely objectively. You will get another one for sure. And if you think positively it is might coming from somewhere by destiny, and let you have more relaxed time instead of jumping into workforce again with still heavy mind. Don't you not think so. Mount there is some truth in your words. There is one context for you. I have a very specialist area. There are not many vacancies in this area. Imagine if you had a job making a special food that only unicorns could eat, and there are only 500 unicorns in your country. You have spent 15 years becoming a the best unicorn food maker you can be, and you are known for unicorn food making. There are few unicorns so few jobs. You give up your role at a unicorn food factory and now have to find another. You can also make food for cats, but you haven't done so in 15 years. There are loads of young, intelligent cat food makers so lots of them are better than you and lots of competition. Nevertheless you try for all unicorn and cat roles and get refused. It becomes very soul destroying. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 First off, I don't know your back story, so may miss some nuances. You are severly depressed, and come across as potentially suicidal. As it has been a huge trauma in hour life, and then your whole of mm staged one or really felt that way...that puts you at risk. Please find the number for a hotline, tape ot on the frige, put it in your phone. You won't feel this low forever. I have been through with severe depression, and I know how it is. Had my affiar to feel better...cruel joke on myself. The point is that I'm 3 years NC and while my life hasn't been good, the pain of the end of the a eases. It won't ease as easily as other people do, but you'll see significant improvement in time. Ive come to accept that life is messy and although I didn't get what I wanted, I'll just deal with what I have. I'm not sure why you quit your job, or how your whole twisted your arm into doing it...that's a too high price to pay. Since you are an attorney, you need that life force in you to project confidence. I'd suggest you take on any projects to build your confidence back up. Your best bet against depression is being active, even if you do volunteer work or something that won't be paid as you are used to. It will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Quite frankly I wouldn't be surprised if you made a fortune if you packaged and sold unicorn food. Preferably in pink...magical remedy for pms, menapause and all your life's pains and aches. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) Mount there is some truth in your words. There is one context for you. I have a very specialist area. There are not many vacancies in this area. Imagine if you had a job making a special food that only unicorns could eat, and there are only 500 unicorns in your country. You have spent 15 years becoming a the best unicorn food maker you can be, and you are known for unicorn food making. There are few unicorns so few jobs. You give up your role at a unicorn food factory and now have to find another. You can also make food for cats, but you haven't done so in 15 years. There are loads of young, intelligent cat food makers so lots of them are better than you and lots of competition. Nevertheless you try for all unicorn and cat roles and get refused. It becomes very soul destroying. Why did you let some jerk get in the way of your career? You seem very career driven and accomplished and I am struggling to understand why you quit your job when you were working in an entirely different country from MM. You would have had limited contact, yes, but eventually it would have been outta sight, outta mind when you were healed and he would be like any other colleague. It just all seems very self destructive. I just think it is a shame you let this guy run you off like that. It's not easy to find a great job when you have a very niche specialty area. My exMM works 5 office doors down from me and we are in the same group. My stomach does a flip when I see him at the copy machine or coffee room and I get pangs of jealousy when he is laughing and joking around with other female colleagues but it's getting easier day by day because I am focused on my job, not him, and that is my priority. Edited October 12, 2015 by Lovetoohard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 NL, you have had a long hard road. I pray that the universe sends you something good. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 NewLeaf, First of all, I'm sorry for the A**hole Predator(s) that you have had to deal with in PMs. In some ways it's par for the course on such forums I guess, but honestly - just shrug such people off as they are not worth your time. I can't pretend to know what you have gone through. I never would. But I DO know what it felt like to be rock bottom, which is where I'm sensing you are at now. You are resisting interactions with the world. You are depressed and find it hard to believe in anything anymore. I get it. I GET IT. I lived it for the better part of 3-4 years after reaching my own rock bottom. Like me, you can decide how to implement your skills. Maybe you are used to - and really GOOD at - manufacturing unicorn food. And maybe it's equally tough (but in different ways) to switch to being an expert at making cat food, when there is all that competition. What I would say is that you think about a twist on the unicorn food thing, and take it in your own direction. Or change the direction slightly - not to cat food, but something slightly more unique where you can again carve out your niche. You did it before - you can (and will) do it again. I did it, and so will you. I know it seems hopeless now NL but you are a beautiful, young, intelligent woman, and I am NOT going to let you waste that. This stupid MM is NOT worth it. He isn't. Your friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I am sorry you are hurting, New Leaf. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 First off, I don't know your back story, so may miss some nuances. You are severly depressed, and come across as potentially suicidal. As it has been a huge trauma in hour life, and then your whole of mm staged one or really felt that way...that puts you at risk. Please find the number for a hotline, tape ot on the frige, put it in your phone. You won't feel this low forever. I have been through with severe depression, and I know how it is. Had my affiar to feel better...cruel joke on myself. The point is that I'm 3 years NC and while my life hasn't been good, the pain of the end of the a eases. It won't ease as easily as other people do, but you'll see significant improvement in time. Ive come to accept that life is messy and although I didn't get what I wanted, I'll just deal with what I have. I'm not sure why you quit your job, or how your whole twisted your arm into doing it...that's a too high price to pay. Since you are an attorney, you need that life force in you to project confidence. I'd suggest you take on any projects to build your confidence back up. Your best bet against depression is being active, even if you do volunteer work or something that won't be paid as you are used to. It will get better. Hi Knowing the back story on this is pretty important. I do charity work, actual work not just writing a cheque. Yes I am depressed. Suicidal no. Life is messy. I don't compare my mess to yours, mine feels very messy to me. Part of my NC was not working in the same place. Again back story pretty important here. As I am 103 days and you are 3 years NC, I am learning to deal with what I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 NL, you have had a long hard road. I pray that the universe sends you something good. <3 Thanks Doll, and for sticking with me all the way through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 NewLeaf, First of all, I'm sorry for the A**hole Predator(s) that you have had to deal with in PMs. In some ways it's par for the course on such forums I guess, but honestly - just shrug such people off as they are not worth your time. I can't pretend to know what you have gone through. I never would. But I DO know what it felt like to be rock bottom, which is where I'm sensing you are at now. You are resisting interactions with the world. You are depressed and find it hard to believe in anything anymore. I get it. I GET IT. I lived it for the better part of 3-4 years after reaching my own rock bottom. Like me, you can decide how to implement your skills. Maybe you are used to - and really GOOD at - manufacturing unicorn food. And maybe it's equally tough (but in different ways) to switch to being an expert at making cat food, when there is all that competition. What I would say is that you think about a twist on the unicorn food thing, and take it in your own direction. Or change the direction slightly - not to cat food, but something slightly more unique where you can again carve out your niche. You did it before - you can (and will) do it again. I did it, and so will you. I know it seems hopeless now NL but you are a beautiful, young, intelligent woman, and I am NOT going to let you waste that. This stupid MM is NOT worth it. He isn't. Your friend. Thanks Hope. I am pretty rock bottom. It's hard to think of other ways to make unicorn food when you are this numb. I did some work for the grief charity today which was ok. Nothing much but updating some contracts which needed to be done. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I am sorry you are hurting, New Leaf. Thanks Gollums. It makes a difference when people send good vibes when the day is blue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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