Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 New Leaf, For your own healing, You have to let that stuff GO. First, your idiot xMM sounds like a real winner and a real whiner. You know everything he told you was to put himself in the best light to you and to put his wife in the worst light, right? He was playing you. It is how he justified his affair. You have to let his stories go because most likely they are very skewed. Sure his wife may be the biggest twit in the world, but you have got to admit you can't believe everything a MM says in the height of an affair. What do you suppose he is telling her about you now? I am sure it is just as skewed and ridiculous. Remember, I have been on both sides of that situation and it hurts all the way around. My H sheepishly told me the stupid stuff he told the OW about me. It was ridiculous, not even remotely true. He couldn't POSSIBLY leave me because he had to "take care" of me. Um, right. She was so independent and I was so dependent. It may have been a self fulfilling prophecy because where once I was completely sassy and independent, the affair felt like he gave me a lobotomy and it has taken two long years to crawl out of this fog. I am not back to my independent self yet, but I am trying. When I was the MOW, I tried to think of anything I could to put my H down and build my AP up. It was a stretch, but it was what I had to do to justify the A. Let go of his lies. They only keep hurting you. Don't continue to compete in your mind with someone with whom you have only heard half truths. I have let go of the things he told me about the OW, too. They were quite derogatory and I realize that truth be told, in our case, we are both middle aged women that are probably more similar than different. I realize in your case you are probably vastly different, but do you truly believe she is the shallow caricature he has made her out to be? Why would he stay, then? I mean this only with the greatest deal of respect. I don't know why I care about your healing, but I honestly do. Gollum's. I don't know why you do either, but thanks. Yes I do know that idiot was a huge liar, a compulsive one. I am SURE he told me lies about BS and visa versa. I also know there was some truth in what he said about BS since I had been in her company several times over many years prior to the A. However even if she is a 2 headed dodo bird who spits in his dinner, she (and I!!) deserve better! I know now from therapy and self reflection why I was able to do it and not spot it as being "odd" and what on a subconscious, I "got" out of it. Not wanting to bore everyone with therapist speak, I'll leve it there. If anyone cares, I will share NL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Leaf, I tried to message you but it wouldnt work. You are going to be ok. Hang in there. Have faith. How you feel today, is not how you how you will always feel. And we care x x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 You can totally give me a 2 x 4 anytime I am obsessing about the OW and running the same type of scenarios in MY mind. What's good for the goose and all that... How do I spell Kumbayah, anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 You can totally give me a 2 x 4 anytime I am obsessing about the OW and running the same type of scenarios in MY mind. What's good for the goose and all that... How do I spell Kumbayah, anyway? Hi GN... I think that we can each adapt a unique mantra and one shared one and when these thoughts take over we make a CONSCIOUS thought pattern change by first recognising that we are obsessing about something negative, and hurtful to us, then replace it with a positive one. (Points to know: when doing this don't do it aloud, particularly in public or we both may be sectioned and from what I've heard the food isn't great there) Your unique "mantra" "There's no need to waste time thinking on this. I decided to allow my husband to keep me after he chose me. If I need reminding about how how amazing I am, I can look across the dinner table and see H sitting there, because he knows I'm the woman he loves" My mantra. "Don't waste time thinking about this. Yes idiot head chose W, and man what a Lucky escape I had. I'm strong and bad a*se and too good for a man who allows himself to be led around by the nuts and is a pathological liar. For any of W good or bad points, I feel compassion for her because she's tied to idiot head and her life with him knowing what she does about the A, And possibly about the others. The rest of her life with idiot head will be wracked with mistrust, hyper viligance and suspicions. Man I got a lucky break." Shared: "Hey! Reality calling! I'm awesome. I can handle life. I get s'it done. I'm in control of my life, there's no other woman like me and never will be again" NL 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Day 116. I slept 7 hours! With my snoring dog! ( I know this doesn't seem like progress but its major) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Quote: Originally Posted by GollumsNightmare You can totally give me a 2 x 4 anytime I am obsessing about the OW and running the same type of scenarios in MY mind. What's good for the goose and all that... How do I spell Kumbayah, anyway? Hi GN... I think that we can each adapt a unique mantra and one shared one and when these thoughts take over we make a CONSCIOUS thought pattern change by first recognising that we are obsessing about something negative, and hurtful to us, then replace it with a positive one. (Points to know: when doing this don't do it aloud, particularly in public or we both may be sectioned and from what I've heard the food isn't great there) Your unique "mantra" "There's no need to waste time thinking on this. I decided to allow my husband to keep me after he chose me. If I need reminding about how how amazing I am, I can look across the dinner table and see H sitting there, because he knows I'm the woman he loves" My mantra. "Don't waste time thinking about this. Yes idiot head chose W, and man what a Lucky escape I had. I'm strong and bad a*se and too good for a man who allows himself to be led around by the nuts and is a pathological liar. For any of W good or bad points, I feel compassion for her because she's tied to idiot head and her life with him knowing what she does about the A, And possibly about the others. The rest of her life with idiot head will be wracked with mistrust, hyper viligance and suspicions. Man I got a lucky break." Shared: "Hey! Reality calling! I'm awesome. I can handle life. I get s'it done. I'm in control of my life, there's no other woman like me and never will be again" NL Where's the LOVE button? Thanks, NL. I AM awesome, and I am getting s'it done! I havent even been on my usual boards the last couple of days because life intervened. I am feeling pretty good to only be living IRL these days. A break was helpful. I'm going to keep a copy of this for real. I will be referring to this often. Kick a$$ women like us need a good mantra now and then. Someone messed with my friends' business on the internet this week and it all blew up. Believe me, I am getting s'it done. I am a very loyal friend and have led the charge. I wish you could practice over here. I think we have a pretty good case against the twit that slandered (libeled, defamed?) them! I would hire you in a minute. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Day 116. I slept 7 hours! With my snoring dog! ( I know this doesn't seem like progress but its major) There are guided meditations on youtube that are geared toward recovering from a break up and forgiveness. It may be better at this point to begin noving forward out of the walowing stage. Its not bad per se to wallow in the beginning but this is well over 3 months its been dominating your life and maybe it's time to stop feeling stuck in the aftermath and start proactively making steps to heal but also go forward. Do you think these mm are obsessing, wallowing, stopping their lives to greive? I think he doesn't deserve any more time in the beauty of the fall and upcoming holidays. Its over, hes gone, hes carrying on, its time for a new day and maybe only pick one weeknight where you check in with the boards so you can begin to distance yourself from the past. I was hating, obsessing, crying, dying...until I began yoga and the process of forgiveness and then the true healing began. Try something new now. Get out of this funk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 There are guided meditations on youtube that are geared toward recovering from a break up and forgiveness. It may be better at this point to begin noving forward out of the walowing stage. Its not bad per se to wallow in the beginning but this is well over 3 months its been dominating your life and maybe it's time to stop feeling stuck in the aftermath and start proactively making steps to heal but also go forward. Do you think these mm are obsessing, wallowing, stopping their lives to greive? I think he doesn't deserve any more time in the beauty of the fall and upcoming holidays. Its over, hes gone, hes carrying on, its time for a new day and maybe only pick one weeknight where you check in with the boards so you can begin to distance yourself from the past. I was hating, obsessing, crying, dying...until I began yoga and the process of forgiveness and then the true healing began. Try something new now. Get out of this funk. Hi PG You may have missed this but I interviewed for 31 jobs landed one, and it got pulled back at the last minute and it really was my dream role. How ever my luck seems to be changing as I went to a concert last Saturday. And low and behold we had a big hacking incident here which is one of my specialist areas to do consult and jury selection, which will be a tidy sum. Saturday night I had guest list VIP to Bob Dylan because my very close friend is is God Child as my friend's father is employed my Mr Dylan. It was marvellous.. After you last suggested yoga to me and there is a studio a block away I signed on for 10 classes 5 in kundalini (hated) and 5 in ashtanga (love). They have other types too and the most popular is hot. Not so sure on that yet. I have decided to do a 2 week yoga retreat for my Chistmas. Now will come the big news which I found out at dinner .... Ready? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 There are guided meditations on youtube that are geared toward recovering from a break up and forgiveness. It may be better at this point to begin noving forward out of the walowing stage. Its not bad per se to wallow in the beginning but this is well over 3 months its been dominating your life and maybe it's time to stop feeling stuck in the aftermath and start proactively making steps to heal but also go forward. Do you think these mm are obsessing, wallowing, stopping their lives to greive? I think he doesn't deserve any more time in the beauty of the fall and upcoming holidays. Its over, hes gone, hes carrying on, its time for a new day and maybe only pick one weeknight where you check in with the boards so you can begin to distance yourself from the past. I was hating, obsessing, crying, dying...until I began yoga and the process of forgiveness and then the true healing began. Try something new now. Get out of this funk. Question: how long do you think the grieving should last.? Just on amount of time spent over a decade 2 losses, best friend and who I thought was the love of my life. I will never forgive him. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Ready...(hope its good news) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Question: how long do you think the grieving should last.? Just on amount of time spent over a decade 2 losses, best friend and who I thought was the love of my life. I will never forgive him. First I am so proud you are doing yoga that's awesome. I thought I remembered you saying you got the job and left it as you couldn't handle in the emotional state you've been in, am I wrong there? That unforgiveness you carry will only hurt you and hold you back. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. I hope someday you can because I realized it is the key to indifference. The grieving can last a long time inside. But you don't have to focus on them, for instance that friend you lost who passed on...think if they felt you crying and grieving, if they can talk to you, they would say they don't want you sad and crying, they want you happy and living. Theres grief meditations too. You can keep going THROUGH the greif, and to a certain extent you have, do more of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 First I am so proud you are doing yoga that's awesome. I thought I remembered you saying you got the job and left it as you couldn't handle in the emotional state you've been in, am I wrong there? That unforgiveness you carry will only hurt you and hold you back. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. I hope someday you can because I realized it is the key to indifference. The grieving can last a long time inside. But you don't have to focus on them, for instance that friend you lost who passed on...think if they felt you crying and grieving, if they can talk to you, they would say they don't want you sad and crying, they want you happy and living. Theres grief meditations too. You can keep going THROUGH the greif, and to a certain extent you have, do more of that. Hi PG When you suggested yoga I thought firstly I can't do yoga, I'm British. Second thought: I don't like other people's feet. Third thought: what if people pass wind? This thought was so funny I had to go. I have practiced the sun salutations over and over. I am now able to not fall off my matt. I was thinking to get private instruction every day but I see other people there so I actually do it at the studio. I think of him about 50% less today than I did 3 July. I am not crying. Job thing is not exactly it. I got that awesome job. My contact began on 5 October ( you don't actually go in unless it's for meetings or consulting) I was ringing my clients because that shows your value bringing clients. They asked to meet with me a few days later to tell me they were doing a restructuring and they were releasing me. I was beyond upset, but stiff upper lip and told them that I had called my most prestigious clients to advise of my new chambers, and the damage to my reputation and that I had no choice but to engage them in a damages claim. They asked me my figure, I told them and asked for clauses to be changed. 3 months fully loaded package, loss of office, and injury to hurt feeling, and legal fees and if they wanted me to sign an NDA it had to come to me tax free. I get the dosh on Thursday. It's a sizeable amount, but I know idiot had something to do with it. Things were looking grim and I thought I'd have to go lecture much sooner. However I can't believe the post. I can't put names obviously and this person isn't unique so I can say that this is the Learned Friend who was one of my Lecturers and an adviser and I did my articled with him. He never ever told me he named me as his successor (you also have to take credentials) he always just say to me "petunia you have a brilliant mind and are erudite and fair. I am happy you chose law because you embody justice. There is only greatness in your future" but he's put me forward and The letter was advising me that Her Majesty had appointed me and inviting me to the ceremony NL 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 NewLeaf, Let me say your story is almost identical to mine as I have just hit the 5 month mark. It was an emotional affair that ended abruptly with a simple text of something to the effect of "Made a huge mistake, Im such a horrible person, I can't believe I did that, what was I thinking, I'm sorry if I might have hurt you, do not contact me." And that was last communication. Like you the hurt seems to go in cycles and just when I think I am over the entire situation, it hits me like it just happened yesterday. I do know that it will all get better, it will just take time and not be easy. You are devastated emotionally and you should not down play it. Think about it, the only difference between this break up and one executed in the same fashion in a legitimate relationship is that instead of people feeling sorry for you and supporting you, they are passing unfair judgment and making you feel that any feelings you have are not valid. There is nothing wrong with admitting you were not treated fairly. There is a reason why society does not favor ghosting and that is because are brains are wired to expect closure. I do not doubt believe you logically have accepted that what you had is over and know that it was wrong, but that does not change that you still need emotional closure. To make an analogy, I feel like a mortally wounded animal that just wants to be put out of my misery. I know treatment is futile and have accepted my fate, I just wish someone would do me the favor. I wish it was as simple as a few happy thoughts and a positive mental outlook. But the hard facts are that as humans we need emotional closure. Aside from insurance companies battling in court (but that still would not account for the money spent), why are we spending billions of dollars looking for an airplane at the bottom of the Indian Ocean when we know someone on board purposefully crashed it a year and a half ago and no one survived? Could you imagine a politician telling a victim's family member that? I am just saying you are not crazy you are human and that is how your brain is wired. We all know time provides what honesty can not afford, but I think it would be so much quicker and easier if the other person just gave you that. I know it would be for me. I wouldn't call/write back or think that was an open pass to resume the wrongful act. I accept that as truth and be able to move on to where I can begin to appreciate the all the hurt I caused. But leaving and establishing NC under duress only furthers to reinforce ambiguity and allows for a bit of hope to linger until it is starved by time. Breaking up with dignity allows for healing. Absolute NC only serves to punish and prevents all parties. I am not saying this to sound gloom and doom but help you realize why this is so hard on you. It is not you; you will survive. Just hope it provides you with some faith as you ride out the storm. Please hold on. IF you cannot for your own sake, please do it for me. It is powerful to see you get back up after being kicked and still own it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Things were looking grim and I thought I'd have to go lecture much sooner. However I can't believe the post. I can't put names obviously and this person isn't unique so I can say that this is the Learned Friend who was one of my Lecturers and an adviser and I did my articled with him. He never ever told me he named me as his successor (you also have to take credentials) he always just say to me "petunia you have a brilliant mind and are erudite and fair. I am happy you chose law because you embody justice. There is only greatness in your future" but he's put me forward and The letter was advising me that Her Majesty had appointed me and inviting me to the ceremony NL, you buried the lead! That is amazing!! Good for you! Edited October 26, 2015 by GollumsNightmare 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 NL, you buried the lead! That is amazing!! Good for you! GN I still can't believe it I keep picking it up and rereading What's even crazier is that besides my former mentor I've only spoken about this here. I feel like it will take some of the magic off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Congrats "NewLeaf", it is your time to gather your energy to shine through, and forget those little weak men... GN I still can't believe it I keep picking it up and rereading What's even crazier is that besides my former mentor I've only spoken about this here. I feel like it will take some of the magic off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Congrats NL !!! What are you being appointed as? I'm in the US and I'm not sure what the job is but it sounds awesome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 Whatatangled just a legal job .... But it's to me it's a giant leap forward. But even better... I didn't remember to count days for a while!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Not counting days for the win, NewLeaf!! I am happy for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 NewLeaf- You coming to a point that you are not counting days is awesome. It can only get better from here. I'm so happy for YOU that you had a little breakthrough! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 Starbright and Yodel .. Thank you. I'm finding today hard. 3 years ago we were together on Hallowen and it was a lovely day, a great few days. I'm trying to remember it as just a good time I had with someone once upon a time. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Sorry, NL. It must be hard. I can understand how holidays bring everything up again. I'm having a hard time today, too, from the other side of the coin. Where are those mantras again? I may need some 2x4s. I am obsessing again. Two years ago tonight, I finally realized something was really wrong with my H. He was nearly manic at the Halloween event at which we were helping. He kept disappearing on me. I finally broke down and confided to a friend that something really weird was going on with him. Two days later my gut was screaming so loud that i left work early and went to where I thought he might be. I caught them in bed together. My life nearly ended that day, and a few other times since. It has been a long, horrible struggle to heal from the trauma of it all. Guess who I almost ran into today? As I left the grocery store, I noticed her car was parked next to mine. $#!+. That certainly did not help. I wish we did not live within 10 miles of each other in a very rural area where this is likely to happen again and again. I have met her on the road very near our house twice in the last week, also. I don't know why she is appearing everywhere around me. It is like she is taunting me. I just want to heal. I have my mom's Alzheimer's to deal with right now. I dont want to have to think of the OW anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Sorry, NL. It must be hard. I can understand how holidays bring everything up again. I'm having a hard time today, too, from the other side of the coin. Where are those mantras again? I may need some 2x4s. I am obsessing again. Two years ago tonight, I finally realized something was really wrong with my H. He was nearly manic at the Halloween event at which we were helping. He kept disappearing on me. I finally broke down and confided to a friend that something really weird was going on with him. Two days later my gut was screaming so loud that i left work early and went to where I thought he might be. I caught them in bed together. My life nearly ended that day, and a few other times since. It has been a long, horrible struggle to heal from the trauma of it all. Guess who I almost ran into today? As I left the grocery store, I noticed her car was parked next to mine. $#!+. That certainly did not help. I wish we did not live within 10 miles of each other in a very rural area where this is likely to happen again and again. I have met her on the road very near our house twice in the last week, also. I don't know why she is appearing everywhere around me. It is like she is taunting me. I just want to heal. I have my mom's Alzheimer's to deal with right now. I dont want to have to think of the OW anymore. Here you are darling.. " if you won't let arseh@&es live in your house, surely they should not live in your head " He chose you.for a reason. Remember that. Xxx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Thank you. I needed that. Now I have to go dark for awhile. I am on my way to help my parents. They have no internet. I am not sure I will survive that. Keep making progress on your end! How many days are you at now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Thank you. I needed that. Now I have to go dark for awhile. I am on my way to help my parents. They have no internet. I am not sure I will survive that. Keep making progress on your end! How many days are you at now? No idea just over 116 xxxx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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