OW - my aftermath [update: day 205]

[m4p]

Starbright and Yodel .. Thank you.

 

I'm finding today hard. 3 years ago we were together on Hallowen and it was a lovely day, a great few days.

 

I'm trying to remember it as just a good time I had with someone once upon a time.

 

It IS merely a good time that had passed... Glass over it and don't think about it. Another 7 hours sleep tonight and you'll be better tomorrow. You've done so well so far.. And the great news about work- is it a QC role or similar? Huge congratulations to you! You deserve it and more

[NewLeaf512]

Thank you all for the well wishes. I was thinking this evening on a rather torturous journey home that it's not occupying every second. Not every minute, or hour, and not even every few hours and there have been some days recently where it's fleetingly crossed my mind just once in the day. It's still shocking but not in an "I'm completely paralysed and can't breathe and I may be having a heart attack" way. More in a shaking my head looking down thinking " OMG it's absolutely outrageous, what the F" kind of way.

 

 

One thing that often crossed my mind that I wanted someone, anyone to confirm was: was it real? Did he / she love me?

 

What I have come to believe is that we hope to know how other people feel and what they think, sometimes we come close but who really knows? We only can know for sure how we feel and we think, and if it was real for me or for you, if you felt love, that makes it real.

 

When I first talked here about my story which was weird enough at the time, and feeling completely all over the place, and after 2 weeks even began to have a semi rational thought the idiot head pulled his legal move.

 

What was also happening was I was getting good advice like try to sleep, drink water (a lot) do yoga, eat something, and go out a little each day. I was not able to understand or absorb these suggestions for a few weeks. I wish I had tried sooner.

 

( I found the yoga suggestion to be completely preposterous when I read it and imagined a little blonde lady eating granola living in a tree house with unshaven armpits must have written that)

 

I mean my G-d I'm English darling. I don't like to look at my own feet and the smell must be ridiculous and why would anyone pay someone to stick their bum in the air and what if someone spotted me?!

 

However I responded to this "Private Girl" that I would try. This is also mad, because I could say I did it and no one would ever know. I'm a person of my word so I did something only a chicken who is afraid of her shadow would do: I ordered the mat and Tights on Amazon prime, and hired an instructor to come to my house for private tuition. 90 minutes and I could tick the box and recycle the mat. For 10 minutes I wanted to be invisible for 80 I had to concentrate and was able to think of nothing else. She made me lie on my mat for 10 minutes covered me with a disgusting scratchy blanket that smelled like a jute stick. When the 10 minutes was up I opened my eyes. But it was dark and she was gone and there next to me on the back of a receipt in eyeliner it said b bk 2mrow @ 10.

 

She came back. And then 4 times a week since. I absolutely suck at yoga. I don't care. It's now my advice. You can not think for 90 minutes.

 

Xx

 

( and you don't eye roll anymore at tofu women or hairy armpits)

[OneLov]

Thank you all for the well wishes. I was thinking this evening on a rather torturous journey home that it's not occupying every second. Not every minute, or hour, and not even every few hours and there have been some days recently where it's fleetingly crossed my mind just once in the day. It's still shocking but not in an "I'm completely paralysed and can't breathe and I may be having a heart attack" way. More in a shaking my head looking down thinking " OMG it's absolutely outrageous, what the F" kind of way.

 

 

One thing that often crossed my mind that I wanted someone, anyone to confirm was: was it real? Did he / she love me?

 

What I have come to believe is that we hope to know how other people feel and what they think, sometimes we come close but who really knows? We only can know for sure how we feel and we think, and if it was real for me or for you, if you felt love, that makes it real.

 

When I first talked here about my story which was weird enough at the time, and feeling completely all over the place, and after 2 weeks even began to have a semi rational thought the idiot head pulled his legal move.

 

What was also happening was I was getting good advice like try to sleep, drink water (a lot) do yoga, eat something, and go out a little each day. I was not able to understand or absorb these suggestions for a few weeks. I wish I had tried sooner.

 

( I found the yoga suggestion to be completely preposterous when I read it and imagined a little blonde lady eating granola living in a tree house with unshaven armpits must have written that)

 

I mean my G-d I'm English darling. I don't like to look at my own feet and the smell must be ridiculous and why would anyone pay someone to stick their bum in the air and what if someone spotted me?!

 

However I responded to this "Private Girl" that I would try. This is also mad, because I could say I did it and no one would ever know. I'm a person of my word so I did something only a chicken who is afraid of her shadow would do: I ordered the mat and Tights on Amazon prime, and hired an instructor to come to my house for private tuition. 90 minutes and I could tick the box and recycle the mat. For 10 minutes I wanted to be invisible for 80 I had to concentrate and was able to think of nothing else. She made me lie on my mat for 10 minutes covered me with a disgusting scratchy blanket that smelled like a jute stick. When the 10 minutes was up I opened my eyes. But it was dark and she was gone and there next to me on the back of a receipt in eyeliner it said b bk 2mrow @ 10.

 

She came back. And then 4 times a week since. I absolutely suck at yoga. I don't care. It's now my advice. You can not think for 90 minutes.

 

Xx

 

( and you don't eye roll anymore at tofu women or hairy armpits)

 

I believe you and I have about same amount of NC time under our belt. I really can relate to what you said about the question of whether or not it was real? It was love? That seems to be the one question that I still sometimes assess. I find strength that, not only us, but it seems that is a common question for most people in our position. I think we can safely say that the answer is we will never know like you said, but find its not a question so much as was it real but could it exist.

 

I find comfort in believing the evidence points to it being real but the circumstances dictate the impossibility of its existence. According to most psychologists, at minimum, 3 things must be present for us to "fall in love": 1. We must find the other person attractive. 2. We must have compatible personality types, AND 3. We must sense that person is falling for us. Obviously, some people have skewed perceptions but most of us can "sense" mutual attraction. If it was pure fantasy wouldn't most of us have an affair with a celebrity or some one really rich? Lol. Jk.

 

So then we must ask, are/were we in love with them? Love is hope and doesn't go down without a fight as 99:1 can seem like damn good odds when you're in love. We all embraced way worse odds and still went kicking and screaming, figuratively, from our AP's to some extent. So I take that as proof of my love being real and proof her's was too. But even if it is/was real, could it ever exist legitimately in society? And more importantly, does its impossibility of existence nullify the feelings? The answer to both is 'no' for me.

 

The hardest thing was to accept that love is checked by circumstances and those circumstances are out of my control. I find embracing the difficulty and impossibility of the circumstances soothing. Most importantly, I find peace in that even though circumstances can nullify a legitimate relationship, they cannot change or invalid those feelings. We just need to keep moving.

 

My best

OneLov

Edited November 3, 2015 by OneLov

[NewLeaf512]

I try not to marginalise myself by feeling unworthy. The world keeps turning and changing and pushing us along . One foot in front of the other and soon enough we are free

 

Get up

Show up

Never give up

[ShatteredLady]

On November 6th last year my H's ex OW sent an innocent message via Linked In. All she said was "Hey!". It took him a week to decide to reply with an emotionally manipulative letter knowing the devastation he was setting in motion for both me & her.

 

I'm paralyzed by over analysis. What did I do in that week? I've even gone back & analyzed every email I sent & received (to/from EVERYONE) there MUST be something, some reason he decided in that week that I didn't matter enough, she didn't matter enough, his HAPPINESS was worth screwing with BOTH of us to flatter his ego. He knew how it would end. He knew the emotional carnage he left in his wake the last time he did this!

 

He says he loves me. He told her he loved her. Maybe we all have different definitions of love??? I'm left cuddling my kids. She's left cuddling hers. I'm sure we both know what love is. For some reason he feels like the odd one out this week....

[ShatteredLady]

New Leaf.

 

.....or at least "Fake it until you make it!".

 

Huge hugs dear lady.

 

Remember, like me, this is just one s**t stick on a huge pile of other s**t sticks that are weighing us down. We're more than powerful enough to handle ONE dumb-bum stupid stick....

[Popsicle]

Yay for yoga!

[Popsicle]

On November 6th last year my H's ex OW sent an innocent message via Linked In. All she said was "Hey!". It took him a week to decide to reply with an emotionally manipulative letter knowing the devastation he was setting in motion for both me & her.

 

I'm paralyzed by over analysis. What did I do in that week? I've even gone back & analyzed every email I sent & received (to/from EVERYONE) there MUST be something, some reason he decided in that week that I didn't matter enough, she didn't matter enough, his HAPPINESS was worth screwing with BOTH of us to flatter his ego. He knew how it would end. He knew the emotional carnage he left in his wake the last time he did this!

 

He says he loves me. He told her he loved her. Maybe we all have different definitions of love??? I'm left cuddling my kids. She's left cuddling hers. I'm sure we both know what love is. For some reason he feels like the odd one out this week....

 

Why do you think he took a whole week to reply and what did his message say?

[ShatteredLady]

He says she has "reached-out" over the years but he never replied. I truly don't know really why it took a week. He was thinking about it?

 

Anyway, he wrote this in the morning...

 

"It's amazing that just a small group of characters can illicit a week of emotional turmoil in me. And a clear indicator that I'm not ready to talk to you. The older I get the more I realize that I'm not emotionally mature enough to deal with the world. I feel tremendous guilt & sadness at the way I treated you. I'm so sorry. But I'm a hot mess at the moment that I can't have you in my life. I don't expect understanding but I hope you would spare me some compassion.*

On a brighter note, I sincerely hope you're doing well. From your profile picture it certainly looks like you're enjoying life.*"

 

By the evening it was "The way your eyes sparkle....". He says he knew what he was doing, pulling her in. Ugh! I don't know. I'm still on the roller-coaster.

[Popsicle]

He says she has "reached-out" over the years but he never replied. I truly don't know really why it took a week. He was thinking about it?

 

Anyway, he wrote this in the morning...

 

"It's amazing that just a small group of characters can illicit a week of emotional turmoil in me. And a clear indicator that I'm not ready to talk to you. The older I get the more I realize that I'm not emotionally mature enough to deal with the world. I feel tremendous guilt & sadness at the way I treated you. I'm so sorry. But I'm a hot mess at the moment that I can't have you in my life. I don't expect understanding but I hope you would spare me some compassion.*

On a brighter note, I sincerely hope you're doing well. From your profile picture it certainly looks like you're enjoying life.*"

 

By the evening it was "The way your eyes sparkle....". He says he knew what he was doing, pulling her in. Ugh! I don't know. I'm still on the roller-coaster.

 

Ugh. yeah that sucks. Was he at least remorseful about it with you?

[Ophelia25]

Wow, 94 days. I'm on day 1, so that doesn't give me a lot to look forward to...it's gonna be a long, painful haul, isn't it? Why do people fall in love with the wrong people? Or, are they the right people at the wrong time? Or are some people just selfish idiot jerks who are gluttons for punishment and masochists, so they reach out to other people's spouses. It seems that all BSs feel that way, but it seems that many OWs and OMs are in so much pain, but just can't help how they feel.

 

We make such messes, don't we?

[NewLeaf512]

I think you don't get to chose always who you love but you ALWAYS chose whether or not it should be ACTED upon.

 

(Obviously people who are duped by WS pretending to be single are outliers)

[NewLeaf512]

When you drop your iPhone and it smashes all over the place <-----that

[ShatteredLady]

Pops. He's very guilty & embarrassed. Is that the same thing? He says it was all a crazy fantasy....OW response to his no contact letter was basically "What are you talking about? It wasn't real. It was all in your head!". Ugh! I'm exhausted. Feeling terminally sad today. We've been 'reconciling' since it blew-up in August. Everything is supposed to be 'normal' now. Don't know what to ask or say anymore. I'm overwhelmed by everything in my life. My brain is static or panic. I don't even have thoughts that can be verbalized. "Pain", "PAIN", that's about it...

 

 

Hugs to you New Leaf. Sorry for jumping on your thread.

[OneLov]

I try not to marginalise myself by feeling unworthy. The world keeps turning and changing and pushing us along . One foot in front of the other and soon enough we are free

 

Get up

Show up

Never give up

 

 

I am sorry, I should have been more clear and not so long-winded in my post. I reread it, and it was awkwardly written. I see how I could have conveyed that message.

 

What I was trying to suggest is our (OW/OM) feelings and emotional states are marginalized by society. We must accept that. In doing so, the indifference and unworthiness we are treated with seems to feel less personal and more situational. It's not me; it is not her. It is all of us. I use that to help me recognize moving on is the only practical option.

 

I need to internalize the halfhearted advice my father gave me when I was young and bummed about my first break up. "Remember son, girls are like elevators; there will always be another one." Lol. And as much as it sucks right now, he is right. Don't you hate when that happens? Lol. Jk.

 

We are all worthy. And that is why we need to move.

 

Here's to locomotion!

OneLov

[OneLov]

Pops. He's very guilty & embarrassed. Is that the same thing? He says it was all a crazy fantasy....OW response to his no contact letter was basically "What are you talking about? It wasn't real. It was all in your head!". Ugh! I'm exhausted. Feeling terminally sad today. We've been 'reconciling' since it blew-up in August. Everything is supposed to be 'normal' now. Don't know what to ask or say anymore. I'm overwhelmed by everything in my life. My brain is static or panic. I don't even have thoughts that can be verbalized. "Pain", "PAIN", that's about it...

 

 

Hugs to you New Leaf. Sorry for jumping on your thread.

 

 

No. Embarrassment comes from shame. Shame is how others make us feel about the effects of our conduct. Guilt is how we feel our own conduct affects others. If a person is truly sorry, it is usually due to guilt. If he or she is sorry he or she got caught that is usually due to shame.

Edited November 6, 2015 by OneLov

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Newleaf. Just wanted to drop by and say wassssup? I have to tell you, that I have seen major improvement in you since I started following your story a little less than 2 months ago, and I could not be happier for you. Strange, isn't it? How all the details are different, but in the end so many of us end up here in the same shape? And it brings us together? I hope you are good today!

 

((((ShatteredLady)))) I am so sorry you are going through such a tough and turbulent time. When I first read your post about the letter you H sent, for a second I thought you meant he wrote it THAT morning. I was going to post a big fat "OH HELL NO!" but then realized it was from a year ago. My exMM has written me 4 times since we started NC, and it made me lose even more respect for him. When I left, I said I had wanted him to really try with his marriage and be an honest person to his wife and show remorse, so that at least we all went through it for something. Clearly not. Hang in there. People are rooting for you.

[NewLeaf512]

Hey Newleaf. Just wanted to drop by and say wassssup? I have to tell you, that I have seen major improvement in you since I started following your story a little less than 2 months ago, and I could not be happier for you. Strange, isn't it? How all the details are different, but in the end so many of us end up here in the same shape? And it brings us together? I hope you are good today!

 

((((ShatteredLady)))) I am so sorry you are going through such a tough and turbulent time. When I first read your post about the letter you H sent, for a second I thought you meant he wrote it THAT morning. I was going to post a big fat "OH HELL NO!" but then realized it was from a year ago. My exMM has written me 4 times since we started NC, and it made me lose even more respect for him. When I left, I said I had wanted him to really try with his marriage and be an honest person to his wife and show remorse, so that at least we all went through it for something. Clearly not. Hang in there. People are rooting for you.

 

Yodel I just wrote that very thing to you. X

[NewLeaf512]

Pops. He's very guilty & embarrassed. Is that the same thing? He says it was all a crazy fantasy....OW response to his no contact letter was basically "What are you talking about? It wasn't real. It was all in your head!". Ugh! I'm exhausted. Feeling terminally sad today. We've been 'reconciling' since it blew-up in August. Everything is supposed to be 'normal' now. Don't know what to ask or say anymore. I'm overwhelmed by everything in my life. My brain is static or panic. I don't even have thoughts that can be verbalized. "Pain", "PAIN", that's about it...

 

 

Hugs to you New Leaf. Sorry for jumping on your thread.

 

SL

 

It's a diabolical situation for you and the sausages. Come back to Blighty. X

[privategal]

I really love that you are doing yoga. Try the guuded meditation on youtube search 'guided meditations'

You can wake up...find a nice comfy spot...play the meditation and just listen to the voice...or before bed. It also is a window you can't think.

You don't have to be all hairy, smell like patchouli or eat vegan to do yoga.

And I suck too. Its just that its a distraction and its good for you! Xo

[NewLeaf512]

I see so much negativity in the world. Some people call that reality. I think reality is what you make it

[olivebranch]

i agree… cynicism and sociopathic tendencies seem to be very en vogue, though i'm not interested in either- or at least conducting my life along the lines of a belief structure or structures that embrace darkness, chaos, lying and duplicity… or a morbid fascination with the material world and also death. though i find it fascinating to study and observe those who do, from time to time, especially so i don't get sucked in over and over into their small hell.

 

reality has many layers to it and i whole-heartedly agree that it is what we make it, because we are co-creators in that we are made in the image of God and have freewill.

 

not all is black and white. there are many shades and colors and tones and no one has the answers but He who created life itself…

 

and He to me is rather multifaceted and absolutely not boring and completely bold with Love.

 

(but that is how *i* see things… and sometimes i forget. and i forget all the time and know very little. that is exciting to me.)

Edited November 10, 2015 by olivebranch

[NewLeaf512]

Today is the first day I have counted since day 116

 

 

131 days can be converted to one of these units:

11,318,400 seconds

188,640 minutes

3144 hours

131 days

18 weeks and 5 days

35.89% of 2015

 

And I'm still here. Getting on with my life xx

[OneLov]

Today is the first day I have counted since day 116

 

 

131 days can be converted to one of these units:

11,318,400 seconds

188,640 minutes

3144 hours

131 days

18 weeks and 5 days

35.89% of 2015

 

And I'm still here. Getting on with my life xx

 

 

At least you did not check out! That's 131 days closer to realizing why it's worth sticking it out. The best is yet to come! Keep moving.

 

OneLov

Edited November 11, 2015 by OneLov

[NewLeaf512]

I have too much life to live and too many duties of care to check out. I've been through much, much worse. I'm getting really self aware which is great. A lot in my mirror is good, a lot needs fine tuning and some a demolition and rebuild from the ground up. I'm the only workwoman on the site and I only have pink tools so I need to get cracking!