Wishing MM would give me a conclusion to the relationship

[Versailles]

Posting an update since I am still confused and lost. Summary so far.. fell in love with an MM at work and have been together for over 2 years now. I have also since got divorced earlier this year though that had nothing to do with MM since I would have done it whether MM existed or not, the marriage had been dead for almost its entire existence anyway. Finally got through the mental boundary of the no-divorce-and-sticking-it-out-no-matter-how-unhappy-mentality! Originally thought that with the D on my side and MM's mother-in-law with a terminal illness and W on his side needing his support during this period (i.e. late 2014) that MM would end things, but MM said his feelings were real and that his feelings hadn't changed.

 

 

Of course, with things being difficult on his side and needing to be the pillar for his family, and with additional guilt on his side because of W's family's situation, we haven't had much time together this year though we still lunch together at least once a week. We used to have dinner sometimes together but all that has stopped ever since the news on W's family happened. Our plans to go on a trip together was also cancelled last year and we felt it was not appropriate to go this year given the situation.

 

 

Ok, so I thought everything was in limbo since too many things were happening both in personal life and work for both of us and I also wanted to be understanding and not press him to spend time with me when I can understand W needs support this period. I know MM and W have also somewhat repaired their relationship and grown closer during this period too. While I have no desire to leave MM since I really love him, I was prepared that he might make the decision to end things between us given that he has been feeling extra guilty about our relationship.. (and I kind of suspect he might have had a D-day with W last year too though I never asked since it would only add stress to him if I asked). I kinda thought that when the impending death in W's family happened, that would be the catalyst for him to make a decision and end things between us or tell me that despite everything, we should still continue, but now that it has already happened... he still hasn't told me anything about what's happening between us.

 

 

I am very confused... On one hand, I feel that he has been trying to distance himself since I've tried asking and he still doesn't want to have more dates other than just lunch together.. I can understand he needed to be home more for W and support the family emotionally because of W's mother's terminal illness, but now that she has passed on and its been more than a month, I thought we could go back to doing dinners or going on dates together sometimes.. or maybe 1.5 months is too soon for me to expect things to go back to the way it used to be? On the other hand, when I am genuinely sometimes too busy even to pop by his office despite it being less than 2 mins' walk and we might not even meet for 1-2 days, he will start asking me to come by as he misses me. It's really confusing for me... I can tell from his actions and expressions that he is truly happy whenever we are together and he does miss me, but why is it that whenever I ask him to spend more time together, he refuses??? Does he want to spend time with me or not?! It appears to be yes and no at the same time... I want to have a heart to heart talk with him but... I don't think we could cover it over lunchtime and he refuses to go on a half day or one day date with me... should I just tell him I want to talk rather than tell him I want a date? But if I tell him I want to talk... what if he says he doesn't want to? And I'm not prepared to break up with him right now... every time I try to prepare myself and I think I'm ready and then it doesn't happen... I get even less prepared for it than before.. I've tried to distract myself from him by going out on dates with other single men, but I just can't... I end up visualizing him instead of whoever I'm actually with. Sigh sometimes I am actually happy on those dates because I pretend I'm with MM and we are out together..

 

 

I'm preparing a special handcrafted gift now for his birthday next year... I guess I should steel myself once and for all... I will present his gift to him and insist on having a conclusion between us, whether that means breaking up or being his second family or whatever other possibilities there might be, it's better than not knowing where I'm heading.. I'm currently taking it as though I am crafting all my feelings into that gift and once I finish it, I will be ready to give it up if he says he wants to... I know I don't need him to want to end things or whatever for me to make a decision, but as long as he continues to love me, I want to be there for him and I will go only if he tells me to go.

Edited October 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

Posting an update since I am still confused and lost. Summary so far.. fell in love with an MM at work and have been together for over 2 years now. I have also since got divorced earlier this year though that had nothing to do with MM since I would have done it whether MM existed or not, the marriage had been dead for almost its entire existence anyway. Finally got through the mental boundary of the no-divorce-and-sticking-it-out-no-matter-how-unhappy-mentality! Originally thought that with the D on my side and MM's mother-in-law with a terminal illness and W on his side needing his support during this period (i.e. late 2014) that MM would end things, but MM said his feelings were real and that his feelings hadn't changed.

 

 

Of course, with things being difficult on his side and needing to be the pillar for his family, and with additional guilt on his side because of W's family's situation, we haven't had much time together this year though we still lunch together at least once a week. We used to have dinner sometimes together but all that has stopped ever since the news on W's family happened. Our plans to go on a trip together was also cancelled last year and we felt it was not appropriate to go this year given the situation.

 

 

Ok, so I thought everything was in limbo since too many things were happening both in personal life and work for both of us and I also wanted to be understanding and not press him to spend time with me when I can understand W needs support this period. I know MM and W have also somewhat repaired their relationship and grown closer during this period too. While I have no desire to leave MM since I really love him, I was prepared that he might make the decision to end things between us given that he has been feeling extra guilty about our relationship.. (and I kind of suspect he might have had a D-day with W last year too though I never asked since it would only add stress to him if I asked). I kinda thought that when the impending death in W's family happened, that would be the catalyst for him to make a decision and end things between us or tell me that despite everything, we should still continue, but now that it has already happened... he still hasn't told me anything about what's happening between us.

 

 

I am very confused... On one hand, I feel that he has been trying to distance himself since I've tried asking and he still doesn't want to have more dates other than just lunch together.. I can understand he needed to be home more for W and support the family emotionally because of W's mother's terminal illness, but now that she has passed on and its been more than a month, I thought we could go back to doing dinners or going on dates together sometimes.. or maybe 1.5 months is too soon for me to expect things to go back to the way it used to be? On the other hand, when I am genuinely sometimes too busy even to pop by his office despite it being less than 2 mins' walk and we might not even meet for 1-2 days, he will start asking me to come by as he misses me. It's really confusing for me... I can tell from his actions and expressions that he is truly happy whenever we are together and he does miss me, but why is it that whenever I ask him to spend more time together, he refuses??? Does he want to spend time with me or not?! It appears to be yes and no at the same time... I want to have a heart to heart talk with him but... I don't think we could cover it over lunchtime and he refuses to go on a half day or one day date with me... should I just tell him I want to talk rather than tell him I want a date? But if I tell him I want to talk... what if he says he doesn't want to? And I'm not prepared to break up with him right now... every time I try to prepare myself and I think I'm ready and then it doesn't happen... I get even less prepared for it than before.. I've tried to distract myself from him by going out on dates with other single men, but I just can't... I end up visualizing him instead of whoever I'm actually with. Sigh sometimes I am actually happy on those dates because I pretend I'm with MM and we are out together..

 

 

I'm preparing a special handcrafted gift now for his birthday next year... I guess I should steel myself once and for all... I will present his gift to him and insist on having a conclusion between us, whether that means breaking up or being his second family or whatever other possibilities there might be, it's better than not knowing where I'm heading.. I'm currently taking it as though I am crafting all my feelings into that gift and once I finish it, I will be ready to give it up if he says he wants to... I know I don't need him to want to end things or whatever for me to make a decision, but as long as he continues to love me, I want to be there for him and I will go only if he tells me to go.

 

If your bf can't even give you a 1/2 day worth of time then that tells you where you stand. He doesn't want more with you but he likes having you around for ego strokes and lunch dates. He will happily go on as things are for as long as you go along with it. You have said that you will only leave him if he tells you to. Well he's not going to tell you to go but he's not going to give you more. So I guess you may as well settle in and learn to enjoy the little bit of time he gives you now because nothing will change until you change it.

[Sassy Girl]

When did you give all your power to one man?

 

Seriously, and I'm not trying to be mean, but you sound so passive and weak. You're letting someone else dictate the direction of your life.

 

Getting out of a bad marriage takes strength and you did that, so I know you have it. But the rest of your life just seems so.....sad.

 

While you hang around waiting for crumbs from A man who makes no time for you, you're closing your life to some great things.

 

Stop wasting your life.

[lemondrop21]

If the guy can't give you more than a lunch hour, then the conversation does not actually need to be that long. You don't have much to cover. His unwillingness to make time for you says it all at this point.

 

Unfortunately these ambivalent ones never want to solve things once and for all, it wouldn't surprise me if you do cut it off if he's wheedling his way back in within a few weeks, and then he'll be willing to give you all the time you want etc. You'll take him back, things will feel better for awhile, then he'll manage down your expectations and the cycle will start all over again.

 

Also, a handcrafted gift...please ask yourself if he would EVER present YOU with a handcrafted gift or something as equally personal. If the answer is yes then by all means go for it, but my guess is that the answer is a resounding no. In that case, if you give this thing to him, how will you avoid feeling a bit pathetic? I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm really not, just want to spare you the bit of embarrassment if possible.

[anika99]

If the guy can't give you more than a lunch hour, then the conversation does not actually need to be that long. You don't have much to cover. His unwillingness to make time for you says it all at this point.

 

Unfortunately these ambivalent ones never want to solve things once and for all, it wouldn't surprise me if you do cut it off if he's wheedling his way back in within a few weeks, and then he'll be willing to give you all the time you want etc. You'll take him back, things will feel better for awhile, then he'll manage down your expectations and the cycle will start all over again.

 

Also, a handcrafted gift...please ask yourself if he would EVER present YOU with a handcrafted gift or something as equally personal. If the answer is yes then by all means go for it, but my guess is that the answer is a resounding no. In that case, if you give this thing to him, how will you avoid feeling a bit pathetic? I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm really not, just want to spare you the bit of embarrassment if possible.

 

Also how sad is it that you have spent the last year of your life waiting for a stranger to die so you could be happy?

[loveboid]

You have a lunch friend and that's it. He won't ever tell you to stop being his lunch friend unless you make lunches with him really horrible.

 

He probably wouldn't appreciate a gift because he'd have to explain it to his wife.

[Adoraxx]

It was all on my xMM's terms too. HE decided when or if we would see each other and basically, over the past months it had dwindled down to ONCE every two months! In between I would receive a few email messages here and there with the MM telling me "I miss you" and 'think about you MUCH" and "I'm still in love with you".... YET he NEVER made time to see me!!!

 

I finally confronted him with it because he often promised in his emails that he would come see me (yet he never did) and then I got to hear this moaning monologue of where he said he feels oh so guilty, is crazy about his W but also 'in love with' me blahhhhhhh blahhhhhhhhh blahhhhhhhhh.

 

I then asked him (and I really did not need more time for that than a lunch hour .. it can be done in a few minutes): "Do you want No Contact for good now??" but no, no, that's not what MM wanted either! I asked: "WHAT do you want???" >>>> More vague replies.

 

He asked me then what it is that *I* want and I said I want to see him more often. MM: "I want to see you more often too BUT .. I feel sooo guilty. I feel so bad when I'm at home after speaking to you "

 

Me: "Ok TELL me then if it's better to go NC and I wil make sure that that happens!!"

MM: "No, that's not what I want. I WILL come see you. I promise! I miss you. I think about you. And we will still email ."

 

After that, I got 2 more email messages, one per week. His last email said: "thinking about us muuuuuuuuuch" and that was the last I heard from him. Pathetically enough, I even called him days after that (because I hate the not knowing) and asked what it is then that he is THINKING???

 

More mixed messages ........... and some more of his "I will come see you, I promise" and then POOF, he disappeared and I haven't heard from him since.

 

Just saying....

* You really don't need more than lunchtime to discuss this with him. You can keep it very short and just ask him outright if you really want to ask

* He will probably say something like that he wants to keep you in his life, but it will all be on his terms

* You won't get a straight answer

 

I still can't believe what a coward my xMM is for not even TELLING me that he wants NC, even though I asked him several times.

 

About the birthday gift:

I agree with the others: has he ever done anything like this when it was YOUR birthday??

And you say his birthday is next year.. it's still a long time away.

I was always very nice to xMM on his birthdays, I made sure he felt special but he never bothered to acknowledge MY birthday. So this year I ignored his birthday too.

[sandylee1]

You have a lunch friend and that's it. He won't ever tell you to stop being his lunch friend unless you make lunches with him really horrible.

 

He probably wouldn't appreciate a gift because he'd have to explain it to his wife.

 

He'll have to leave the gift in the office, in the car or place it in the cylindrical filing cabinet.

 

As long as you keep quiet and embrace the OW role as you've done so far, it'll be good for him. As time goes on...he may get too guilty and dump you.

 

I also think just because his MIL died a month ago, expecting a decision is too soon and shows a lack of compassion. His wife needs her husband to support her at this difficult time .

[wanderingxsoulz]

If someone really loves you, if you really mean something to them, they would make time for you no matter how hard it is. Just keep reminding yourselves of that. I'm sure all of us would drop everything and go running to MM whenever he wants to see us, no matter how busy we are, because that's how much we love them.

 

But they do not reciprocate and only offer crumbs in return. Yes, I made excuses like how he's busy with work and his family comes first. I was understanding and never complained because I didn't think I deserved more than what little he could offer. Even with so little expectations (I didn't even want him to leave his family) I kept hoping that things would improve but they never did. MM will just keep you around for when he needs his ego strokes and an escape. We mean nothing more to them than that.

The thing about being given crumbs is that you are left starving for more.

 

But now I know better. I deserve someone who can be there when I need him, someone who can devote all his time to me and make me a priority. No more excuses. So do you.

[S2B]

He hasn't and doesn't intend to make you his priority.

 

 

I hope you will be the one to cut ties k owing that YOU deserve so much more than what he has given you.

 

 

 

Write a list of things you want/need.

 

Then make it your priority to find a man that's available that's fits within those priorities.

 

 

This guy isn't available!

[whichwayisup]

whether that means breaking up or being his second family

 

You deserve MORE and this guy isn't capable of giving you everything you need. How can you be his 'second family'? Once a week lunches? Sorry but you're fooling yourself and setting yourself up for a huge fall and hurt.

 

It'll be hard to do, but for your own sanity and peace, end it with him. He has no intention of divorcing his wife and leaving his family behind to start a new life with you.

[gettingstronger]

He has given you a conclusion, but you are hanging on- he is not going to make a clean break from you but he has given you every indication that its not going any place- short of him being totally rude and telling you to get lost, he could not be any clearer of his intentions-

[S2B]

No one should be handed all your power by making decision for you.

 

YOU make decisions. That's called respecting yourself.

 

He is married. That's the end of this story. He isn't leaving. He isn't planning to spend more time with you.

 

If that's enough for you...ok. Then we accept that you've decided that's enough.

 

 

If you want more out of a relationship then end it with him so you can focus on finding an available man.

 

The decision is yours. Choose what's best for yourself.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

You are wasting your time. He's not leaving his wife. Nothing will change. You need to grow a backbone & kick this guy to the curb. YOU DESERVE BETTER!