What is wrong with me?

[LostIsMe]

First... I'm a man... Lol

 

My D day was 6 months ago. I've been a part from my wife ever since. My AP is still with her husband. She has told me over and over she is going to leave him but it's not happening. They constantly do things as a family. I can't really focus right now but long story short is lately it's been getting real bad for us. I'm having a really hard time with this. I'm miserable. Waiting for her to leave. Every time she is with him my stomach gets messes up. We've been fighting a lot. This is tearing me apart. I know I need to let her go and go thru healing but I can't seem to stick to it. I've ended it multiple times and she always sucks me back in.

 

Last weekend we were out... Her with her friends and me with mine.... She was very drunk...right in front of my fave I see her grinding with some other guy. Burying her ass in his crotch. Ruined my night.... Well we had a long talk. Told her she needs to have respect for certain boundaries. I'm ok with her dancing with guys but do you need to take it that far? She said that's nothing I get a lot worse... She thinks it's ridiculous I'm bothered by it.... Anyway... I asked her yesterday thst if she is doing family things on a certain day to just tell me ahead of time. Helps me knowing up front. So yesterday she barely communicated with me... My mind started in overdrive. I was a wreck. She finally texted me and when I asked her she told me they were at a fair. So we got into a fight because she couldn't respect one simple request.... She disappeared again we didn't talk for hours.... When I asked what she did she was at his family's house down the street... So not once but twice did she disregard my simple request. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking she owes me anything but she tells me she wants to. Be with me and she is leaving him then why is it so hard for her to go out of her way to ease my mind. I don't understand.

 

I'm letting myself be walked on. I'd have no problem doing things like that for her. It's called compromise. I'm really beginning to think I'm crazy... Legit crazy. How could she be good for me if those are some things I need and clearly are a big inconvenience to her.

 

Why am I even bothering with all this. She isn't mine. If she wants me she should have to prove it but I let her occupy my mind and life. Where is my self respect? My self worth? I have none..... I'm beginning to question everything now. My marriage was let really happy... I wasn't happy but my wife would never grind with a guy in front of me. She would do simple things to ease my mind if needed. Did I give up the right person for the wrong person? I hate how I feel.

 

Why can't I let her go? Uggggggggggghh

 

Oh and she told me Oct 1st she was leaving... Then it was Nov 1st....now it's Nov something.... But I already know next is after the holidays.... I honestly thought she loved me. I can feel it when we are together but when we are apart it's brutal lately.

[loveboid]

My opinions:

 

Probably you can't let her go because she's manipulated you into playing her mind games. She's set up a ghost for you to chase forever. You will never catch that ghost, whatever it is, but that isn't the point. The point is to keep you around chasing the bait, the illusion, the potential or promise of what you need because she knows she cannot in reality offer you what you need.

 

She believes as soon as she drops the games and is real you will see that she has nothing of value to offer and you will move on. So her last ditch effort is to keep you there for awhile before you realize all she has to offer are illusions instead of something of real quality.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you probably have more to offer her than she can offer you.

 

It's sad, but this goes on a lot. I would just say, "Hey, your behavior is confusing me. I'm not sure what you're doing. I would rather see other people who don't play mind games. Good luck and goodbye."

[LostIsMe]

Well, here I am a month later and still in the same situation. Things got better for a short time! A few things happened that made it seem like she was going to leave but lately it's become obvious that isn't going to happen. She pretty much confirmed nothing will change until after the holidays

 

She has been going to marriage counseling for 6 months. Alwayy tells me it's to show him they aren't going to be able to fix anything because she doesn't want to. She has always told me She had a plan to move but never knew when. She hasn't started any kind of mental preparation with her husband. They still pretend they are a family. She claims they don't have sex which oddly enough I do believe. She says she sleeps on the couch but I don't believe that for one second! I know her very well so the sex I believe but I know she is very particular and she always use to say how much she loved her bed I don't see her giving that up. But anyway thats irrelevant. The bottom line is she hasn't show any real action toward leaving. Its all been very convincing words and emotions. Its been 7 months now looks like a couple more.

 

Holidays are very difficult for me for many reasons. Mainly due to the loss of my mother nd I miss her deeply. I'm also dealing with a!holiday season alone for the firdt time in a long time. I'm not missing the family dynamic of my own family. So dealing with the affair expectations and wishes aren't good for me. I'm having a really difficult time dealing with this. I'm not gonna do something stupid. I will survive I am strong once I finally make a decision and right now my decision is its over. I'm not convinced it is but I need it to be. I've blocked her as of yesterday. Its the longest I've gone keeping her blocked. I'm going to try and stay busy and not unblock her. I need this pain to go away. Its so unhealthy for me and makes me feel so poorly about myself. I hate this. I wish I never met her or!started the affair. My kife changed dramatically since the dat I met her. She just did someone to me on the inside. Never felt like this before about someone. But what good are these feelings if the other won't do what is!needed. Why am I wasting my time and energy on her. Why coukdbtbibshow my wife the same effort? Will I ever feel this way again. God I hope so. Minus the negative thst is this mess.

 

Anyway just venting. Needed to release thst. Sorry for bringing back a dead post

[yodelwithyu]

Don't apologize for bringing back a dead post. It is not dead if you update it. It is your thread and your story.

 

I am so very sorry you are feeling the way that you are. To be honest, I think this woman really sounds like trouble, and you have to see her for what she is, not what you think she means to you. I know you said you have a hard time letting go, and I understand that really really well. I am so sorry you are suffering. It is a kind of pain that is so hard to explain or live with.

 

The first thing that you have to do is accept that she is not leaving. And even if she does, she will not be trustworthy. Part of the reason why it is harder for you to let go is because you are looking at the bigger picture in the future. Look at the picture of the present. If she was to never leave, do you want to continue with her? My guess is that you will still have a hard time letting go, but that sense of reality might help you along a bit. Knowing that you have to share her might start chipping away some of those feelings. Knowing that you have to share her until she leaves is easier to deal with than knowing that you might always have to share her.

 

If you do not want to share in the long term, you know what you have to do and stick to it. It won't be easy, as you are already aware by taking the steps that you have. It sucks major b*lls, I am not going to lie. I know the feeling of feeling like no one ever understood you like they did, or that you might not make that connection again. Then I also know that when you feel down or irrational, that no one else has ever made you feel quite so worthless and pathetic either. It seems that these diametrically opposed feelings go hand in hand in As.

 

After finding out he was married and trying to end it, I literally felt like I could not breathe. I felt psychical pain all over thinking that it was over. A bunch of blurry days. So when presented with an open marriage scenario, I jumped at it. I thought that sharing him was better than nothing at all. And I was really really wrong.

 

So having said that, when I embarked on my journey, I told myself that I will stick through it until being with him hurts more than being without him. I got there really really fast, but had a hard time recognizing that it was too much. Now, almost 2 months after it was officially over, there are still days where I feel like I am drowning, but the pain I feel is nothing compared to what it felt like when he was with her. When I got ignored for hours. When I knew, with or without sex, that they were sleeping in the same bed together, and I was crying myself to sleep, disgusted. So you maybe feel that the upcoming holidays might do you in, but imagine how you would feel on those days that you are supposed to be with loved ones and she was with someone else instead.

 

Unfortunately, for a lot of us, we hear the advice, know everything is wrong, but still take it until we cannot stand. Blocking her is a good start, I hope you can stick to it. Everyone gets there in their own time, and for others, it is unfortunately thrust upon them on DDay or random NC. Only you will know when you have had enough. The best you can do is to try and be careful to recognize it. And when you HAVE had enough, we are all here to talk to, to help you get through it.

 

Hang in there, Lost. You are worth it. Her...not so much, in my opinion.

[Mayday2016]

 

I asked her yesterday thst if she is doing family things on a certain day to just tell me ahead of time. Helps me knowing up front. So yesterday she barely communicated with me... My mind started in overdrive. I was a wreck. She finally texted me and when I asked her she told me they were at a fair. So we got into a fight because she couldn't respect one simple request.... She disappeared again we didn't talk for hours.... When I asked what she did she was at his family's house down the street... So not once but twice did she disregard my simple request.

 

 

Ok. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You don't want her to communicate when she's with family so she didn't. Then you spaded out and texted her excessively until she had no choice but to reply.

 

Give her space. You sound needy AF.

[Lois_Griffin]

LOL. She's actually claiming that the 6 months of marriage counseling have all been about how to successfully separate? What a crock.

 

Let me guess.

 

She's minimally employed (or more likely, not at all) and hubby provides a pretty good lifestyle for them.

 

Am I close?

[yodelwithyu]

Let me guess.

 

She's minimally employed (or more likely, not at all) and hubby provides a pretty good lifestyle for them.

 

Am I close?

 

BUT, Lois, neither the husband nor the OP can provide for her a crotch good enough to grind on in public. Poor her. She had to do it with a third.

 

Am I close?

 

 

Most people deserve better than this, Lost. Truly.

[Dancewithme]

Stay strong, OP. You know this lady has no boundaries, she stepped out on her husband with a MM. She's already shown you she's no prize. Try not to allow her to occupy so much space in your head.

 

Do you have friends, other family who can help fill your time? Hobbies, sports, anything? You sound like a nice guy. Maybe find a charity or organization that helps those in need during the holiday season, and immerse yourself in helping that cause. Nothing takes your mind off your troubles more than helping someone with worse troubles.

 

And in response to your question " did I give up the right person for the wrong person?" Without knowing any details of your marriage, it appears you did.

[Dylon]

You are doing the right thing now, really the only thing. Wow, of all the stories I've read about the OP, this MW is the worst! It's hard because you have emotionally invested in her and then even ended your marriage because of her. Just remember: you want her? Even if you have her, she's someone that needs to fool around with men in public? She will give you more respect if she's yours? You know it's all BS what she told you. Right, 6 months of marriage counseling to prove that the marriage can't be saved. She won't leave and you need to tell yourself: no more investment of all your energy, emotion into her. She has no respect you. That activity in public to demean you says it all!

 

Keep it up. Read people's posts here and actively talk about your problem and theirs. Time will past and things will be ok. Stay in NC. I hate to say it, but what a "b"!

[LostIsMe]

Don't apologize for bringing back a dead post. It is not dead if you update it. It is your thread and your story.

 

When I got ignored for hours. When I knew, with or without sex, that they were sleeping in the same bed together, and I was crying myself to sleep, disgusted. So you maybe feel that the upcoming holidays might do you in, but imagine how you would feel on those days that you are supposed to be with loved ones and she was with someone else instead.

 

Unfortunately, for a lot of us, we hear the advice, know everything is wrong, but still take it until we cannot stand. Blocking her is a good start, I hope you can stick to it. Everyone gets there in their own time, and for others, it is unfortunately thrust upon them on DDay or random NC. Only you will know when you have had enough. The best you can do is to try and be careful to recognize it. And when you HAVE had enough, we are all here to talk to, to help you get through it.

 

Hang in there, Lost. You are worth it. Her...not so much, in my opinion.

 

Your entire response was great, thank you for taking the time. The above really stuck to me because that is exactly my problem. One the weekends certain days she disappears. Its then I know she is off doing family things. In 6 months of therapy I've heard a lot of things from here but I've never seen any actual signs that they are going to split. If the marriage were over then she should have been preparing him in and out of therapy. I know they have talked about it and said it was gonna happen. She has showed me the texts but actions speak louder than words. Also our d day already happened in April. As for the holidays that is what is driving me crazy. Last year a were very difficult and I was with my wife at the time. I can't do it this year. Its hard enough as it is now. I can't go through them knowing she is off with her family pretending to be a happy family. Its gut wrenching for me. I tried to stick it out and deal with it but it was a withdrawal and getting my fix type of thing. The fix lasted shorter and shorter and I finally hit rock bottom Monday morning.

 

As of now she is still blocked using the method we used to communicate. Monday night she tested me and emailed me but had nothing of substance to say. She hasn't sent anything since. It kind of bothers me because in a sick way I'm thinking she is fine doing her thing and I kinda want to know she is suffering like I am. On the flip side I have managed better than I expected. But I didn't sleep well at all I've been awake since about 130am. I'm definitely having a harder time today but once I get to work I'll get my mind off it hopefully. I'm not unlocking her. I'm usually a strong person when my mind is made up. I don't typically look back. I hope I can apply that here. Our connection is amazing but she also brings out a bad side of me and it's a side I do not like. I want how she makes me feel. who is kind. Compassionate. Not selfish and passionate and affectionate. There must be someone out there like that for me. I convinced myself I'll never have this kind of connection emotionally and physically again.

 

Someone asked if she was partially employed. Well she has a full time job but her line of work doesn't pay that we'll. Her husband does provide a certain lifestyle for her and she has flat out said that she is staying for the wrong reasons until things fall into place. Thee are supposed to sell the house. Or he was supposed to buy it and she owns a condo that is being rented and the tenant is moving out this month supposedly and she was going to move in there. But not before the holidays. Anyyay I could go on and on. Nobody thinks I should waste my time with her. I cheated on my wife. I'm not better but I do think I can find someone who will be better for my personality. Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing a unicorn. Like I'll never be truly happy with someone forever. Character flaw of mine I guess. Always wanting more. If I never met her I'd still be with my wife. Probably for the wrong reasons. This OW changed my life dramatically. She was or is someone I was meant to meet but to learn a lesson. Don't give up on the passion I had been missing. There are people that want passion and affection and believe it's very important in a relationship. Something that was severely lacking in my marriage and I was very unhappy with. So info see some positive in this but it's going to be a rough road ahead.

 

I have Good friends. I can stay busy. I can focus on me and my daughter. I'll get through it. But it sure as heck stings....BADLY

[LostIsMe]

Kinda struggling today. I've stuck with my intent. She is still blocked. She can and has texted me twice since Monday morning when I ended it but today I'm struggling. I want to contact her badly. But I won't. I think it's because I usually see her on Thursdays. Ugghhh.. Sorry just writing here so I don't text her.

[Patrice]

YOU deserve more than this ... repeat, repeat ... YOU are a worthy person, she is manipulating you, to get her ego stroked. Then betrays your heart with her deeds. STAY NC, focus on you - where you want your life to go. I could say so much more on this ... 6 years waiting, he lives in another state. He isn't going to leave, tried again - said, if I go see him, he will leave. Then started stammering about when ... he is undecided, I am not. I have a life to live, and a great one. I will not prop up his situation, because that is what he chooses.

 

My inner self told me, why would I want a man - who has lied to me, manipulated my emotions. Maybe I have grown, and I just don't need that in my life anymore.

[yodelwithyu]

Try and stay strong, and know you are not alone, Lost. It is still the early days. Post on here as much as you like. Things you would say to her, or your replies. Anything. I am about sixty days out from ending it, and I still have my struggles. I haven't been strong enough to block him yet and he keeps writing, so kudos to you!

 

How did she get around to messaging if you blocked her?

 

Remember, you ended it again today. The first day, no matter how many times we come back to square/day one after having crossed a line we drew is always the hardest.

 

Hang in there, and we are here.

[LostIsMe]

Thanks! I got through it without communication. She texted me again last night saying things but I ignored it all.

 

I blocked her from the messenger app we used to communicate I didn't think she would have the guts to text me since she is afraid HER HUSBAND will see the phone bill.

 

This may sound sick but I kinda of gain strength when she texts me because I know it's just as hard on her but right now I feel like I hold the upper hand. I've never gone this long without talking to her. She is used to not having consequences and right now I don't think she can believe I am doing this. I guarantee she thought I would never have the balls to do it even though I told her repeatedly. It's my M. O. I reach a certain point and I will put wall up so strong it will take a small miracle to get past it. I believe that's where I am right now. Yesterday was hard. Today has been easier. I have yet to shed a tear. For me that is odd. I'm a sensitive person.

[Dylon]

I guarantee she thought I would never have the balls to do it even though I told her repeatedly.

 

You got it! Dignity and respect. It hurts to hold back but you must for that. Viewed with more respect is better than fulfilling her expectation that you have no balls. You know what? In the future, what you are doing now and can do will gain you so much more!

 

 

If you have the urge to reply or reach out; post here instead! Write what you want to say.

[WestEndGirl]

OP, I won't rehash what other posters have told you. But I do want to commend you on ending your own M. Whether you know it or not, that was the right thing to do. However, it wasn't the right thing to do for another person without guarantee of reciprocity--which you really can never have.

 

So don't second-guess yourself on that. If your M had reached a state when you had an A, there were really big problems that had little to do with your AP, whether you can admit to this or not.

 

It sounds to me like you may have put off getting divorced because you didn't want to be alone --? Hence, this woman who treats you so poorly --? Don't settle for that. Please. There are plenty of women out there who will treat a nice single guy very well.

[Patrice]

Stay strong, no looking back ... xo.

[LostIsMe]

OP, I won't rehash what other posters have told you. But I do want to commend you on ending your own M. Whether you know it or not, that was the right thing to do. However, it wasn't the right thing to do for another person without guarantee of reciprocity--which you really can never have.

 

So don't second-guess yourself on that. If your M had reached a state when you had an A, there were really big problems that had little to do with your AP, whether you can admit to this or not.

 

It sounds to me like you may have put off getting divorced because you didn't want to be alone --? Hence, this woman who treats you so poorly --? Don't settle for that. Please. There are plenty of women out there who will treat a nice single guy very well.

 

I put things off for many reasons and although the affair started the process of leaving it wasnt entirely for my AP. But I do think I'm somewhat afraid of being alone. I just want someone that wants me unconditionally. Someone that will do for me what I would do for them. I know she feels strongly and all that but it's just not enough anymore.

 

Today I'm having a hard day. She texted me last night and said "I'm so sad without you". Well I'm very sad without her as well but the thing is, she is sad without me but she is still living with her husband so for me being sad without me does nothing for me. Maybe I'm crazy but the trend I've seen is she texts me at night when she is laying in bed or wherever she sleeps. If it were that hard on her there would he more effort that tells me she is just feeling the withdrawal of talking to me before bed like we have done every night for 1.5 years.

Anyway. Today sucks. I really want to contact her. I want to tell her different things. Part of me wants to tell her I'm sorry she is upset but I am too but nothing is going to change with us. The damage is done and it's over for good. I'm not waiting. The other side wants to tell her how much I love her and miss her and will wait as long as it takes. But no... I'm not going to. I'm suffering enough where I took drastic measures to change my life. Now it's her turn. Or not.

 

I just want to get thru today. Weekends have always been hard on me because she always seems to end up doing family things one way or another... That kills me.

 

I'm hoping for strength today.

[WestEndGirl]

I put things off for many reasons and although the affair started the process of leaving it wasnt entirely for my AP. But I do think I'm somewhat afraid of being alone. I just want someone that wants me unconditionally. Someone that will do for me what I would do for them. I know she feels strongly and all that but it's just not enough anymore.

 

This is a good realization to come to, OP. A very good realization indeed. And no, no one wants to be alone. Sometimes we're afraid of it. We're told that we "shouldn't" be, but deep down? We all rely on others to survive, emotionally and physically.

 

Whenever you feel like communicating with your AP--and if you do--just remind yourself, "I'm doing this because I don't want to be alone." Puts a different spin on things, and acknowledging your motivations might help you look outward and see the world around you with different eyes. As a result of my A, I now want a real partnership--not the crumbs I was thrown.

[yodelwithyu]

Stand your ground, Lost. It is a tough ride to be sure, but you can do it. Some days it is still hard for me to think about anything else, but I can tell you that the pain of not having them is so so much better than the pain you would feel with the push and pull, and when they are with their families. I remember what a state I used to get myself into when they were doing anything together. I would not go back to that, ever. For anything. I didn't even recognize myself. It will take a little time for the smoke to clear, but when you realize what you got away from, this type of excruciating pain will be a little easier to live with, because it doesn't come with a big heaping dose of "you are essentially nothing."

 

We were never in a spot for me to ask/want him to leave, nor would he ever, I think, but lets get real. If you want to be with someone, you will be with them. Not be with two people at the same time. There are very few circumstances in which leaving might be impossible, but in most cases, it is a choice. If I were ever given a choice in any of my relationships to be content/miserable/comfortable/torn/whatever these people are, versus being with the person I love, who makes me happy inside, I would move heaven and earth to be with that person. And I have in the past (not exMM). It didn't work out, but I don't regret anything, because I know that I did everything in my power and it just wasn't meant to be. In the end, we all deserve to have our own versions of fairytales. Even if they are as simple as mutual love and respect and working out the not-so-great details of life...together.

 

As for being afraid to be alone, I'd sure as sh*t rather be by myself and let my own thoughts bring me down rather than let someone else have the power to do it for me.

[Lost_in_emotion]

I haven't posted my story yet but plan to at some point today. This story kind of hit home for me and I was just wondering if there was an update. I hope you were able to maintain no contact and get through the holidays.

[Outofmysystem]

Lost.....I read your story.....wow.....funny how many of us are in the same boat. My story is almost like yours.....I haven't posted all of it yet either (like lost_in_emotion) cause I've been trying to get her back for the last 4 months.....my A was 6 years!....yea, try and change all the routines and calls and texts in your mind after that kind of time frame!....man I know your pain, and your suffering.....I know your sadness, the crushing sadness and need to have her talk to you, to tell her how much you love her and need her....

 

Stay in here, read, post and keep NC......I've reset mine for the last 4 months, no D-Day on either side, but that doesn't matter, it all feels just the same.....but we are here....God knows I need help....let us offer ours.....

[LostIsMe]

Bringing it back from the dead again....

 

It's amazing how I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I keep allowing myself to go through this torment.

 

Well, my AP and I have been on and off since my last post. Things have not been good at all. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like I said earlier in the post, things quickly because "after the holidays" and now here we are after the holidays and nothing has changed. She has had the talk and she tells me they are separating but neither of them are going to leave because neither want to give up the house. She's waiting for him to make the move and if he hasn't by now, he's just not going to.

 

I'm having a hard time with everything, to the point where I can't seem to cut her some slack. I don't trust anything she says to me. When we are apart which is a good amount of time I don't believe she feels the way she does. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm so angry and hurt the only time i can open myself up to her is when we are together and for over a month now that has been a few hours a week it seems. Her regular nights where she would be free to see me have changed. Her husband is a great father in many ways but he never seems to spend time with his daughter so she always has her. She tells me she barely speaks to her husband and all that but I don't believe any of that anymore.

 

I want to be with her more than anything but I can't take this. I can't focus at work. I have been a fit guy, eat healthy, work out regularly and lately I can't seem to do any of that. I'm lost..more than ever. At the beginning and for a while, I was on top of the world it seemed. Now I'm at the bottom clawing each and every day trying to stop myself from sinking into oblivion.

 

I make myself believe I should wait a little longer. Deep down I know that I should have more self-respect than that. I'm sold on the feeling that I'll never feel for another woman like I did/do for my AP. I hate everything about this.

 

Anyway, we are once again "no contact". The longest we've gone is a week..She has always contacted me and after a week I usually crack. She hasn't contacted me in a couple days and I guess that makes it harder. My mind paints these pictures of her living care free and doing things that I know would upset me but I'm trying not to let that break me. I'm trying to accept that her life is her life and my life is mine. Whatever either of us do is none of the others business. It may sting but we are not committed. We are faking.

 

Things have just changed so much I wonder even if she left today, would we even be able to get back to where we were. I feel like too much damage has been done.

 

We're in such different stages of everything. I'm 10 months separated. I've been living a life of single person sharing custody of his daughter 50/50. I've spent the past 10 months since D-Day waiting for her to leave and from my point of view, she is no closer now than she was on D-Day or even before then. She says she is, she says it's gonna happen soon but I've been hearing that for a long time now. The first hard date I got was Oct 1st and each month that moves out another month. Actions speak louder than words .....

 

Uggghhhh....Sorry for the scattered post. I can't concentrate. I'm just spilling my feelings as my fingers move.

 

WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF. IF SHE WANTED ME SHE WOULD BE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I feel like I am just a side dish to her. I fullfill what she needs when she needs it. I'm always making myself available to her. I know deep down I am more than that to her but on the surface that's how I feel and I can't seem to get past the surface. I don't even know if I want to and I know that I shouldn't. All that would be doing is kidding myself....

 

I know that it's very difficult for her to leave him especially financially. I also know it's always something. If you want to make a change you have to just do it and roll with the punches. I did that with my...ummm...wife?!. I need to do that with my AP now. I just don't think I can... :(

[lemondrop21]

Do you ever really bluntly tell her how you feel? What would happen if you sent her what you just posted?

 

I eventually blew up and it prompted MM to sever things between us but I was glad he did. In the end I couldn't hold it in anymore and wanted him to make a decision even if it was not the one I wanted.

 

Best of luck to you, your thread made my heart ache and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

[LostIsMe]

Oh I have told her everything I have just said and then some. I'm a very expressive man and wear my heart on my sleeve. She knows how I feel. She tells me how she feels about me but her actions make me feel otherwise.