Mayday2016 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Hi. Let me say I'm getting divorced, it's been a long ongoing process. I was still married but in that awkward 'not together but not ready to date and really lonely' stage so I joined AshleyMadison. I expected not to meet anyone, just enjoy the ego stroke of being told I'm pretty etc. well, I met a married man and we started an affair. 2-3x a week at hotels. When my husband moved and I wanted to move too I actually went and got an apartment in MM's town. At this point we'd been in our affair for 6 months. I discovered a week after I moved in I was pregnant. Absolutely MM's baby, he had been my only partner in 18 months. Well, we still saw each other, he started distancing himself emotionally. He refused to acknowledge the pregnancy except to tell me when the baby comes he's walking away and expects me to be mature and responsible and accept that decision and just disappear myself. He tried to end it 3 weeks ago when I was 25 weeks along but couldn't even go a week and a half without contacting me for sex. So at this point we have quickies, nothing else. No long conversations of "I miss you" and it's usually a hookup in his driveway late at night, he doesn't even come to my apartment anymore. I don't know what to do. I knew he didn't want the baby but I kept it. I'm due January 20th. Do I walk away when I have the baby? I have NO idea what the right thing to do here is. Do I respect what he wants or do I respect our child's needs and pursue some sort of court ordered support? This is a hard situation. I loved him very much, I think I always will, but the reduction in the affair to basically a hookup is demeaning. It's hard to walk away though especially since I know he still wants me in his life, even if he's severed his emotional connection to me. He fulfilled everything that lacked in my 10 year marriage, not to mention the sex is the best I've had since I first became sexually active 17 years ago. He's a drug to me and I know it would be wise if I ended everything completely but I just don't know what to do or how to do it. He is still very married, has been for 6 years and has a wife and child of his own. As far as I know they do not know I or our pregnancy exists. If I file after the baby is born it bursts his world wide open and I'm afraid to do that to him, not just to hurt him and his family but because of how he may react. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Tobin Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Pretty messed up situation. You're going to have a baby with a guy who has no emotional attachment to you, who sees you as nothing more than a f&^k buddy. He's responsible to support the child. If you don't file a suit for paternity and child support, who will pay the costs to raise your child? Who cares what happens with his family or how he will react. You need to protect your child. He's done a fine job of screwing up his life and you haven't done much better with yours, so do what's right for your unborn child. Its at least a step in the right direction. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) Whilst you did the wrong thing hooking up with a MM, his attitude stinks. He wants you to disappear? He needs to take responsibility......Here's what to do..... STOP sleeping with him Make sure you have his real name, address, work/company info and other contact details. Tell him by phone, text or in person (in a public place), that you're having the baby and he needs to pay CS. If he doesn't do it voluntarily you'll take him to court and demand a DNA test as proof that he's the father and take it from there Have no more contact with him until the birth Don't have him over to your apartment again If you ever meet him again, let a trusted friend know his details and where you're going Many a desperate man has gone to extremes to stop his wife knowing about the affair and love child. You can't make him have a relationship with the child, but he's legally obliged to cough up. Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 He'll never end it for good. He'll continue to have quickies with you as a way to hush you up and keep you from blowing his world up. Every now and then he'll throw you a few dollars and visit the baby too, as part of the damage control. And you will probably be okay with all this too because you "love him". 7 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Regardless of who did or did not use protection, you BOTH made this baby. Period. And while YOU were separated, he is still fully married. He doesn't have to ever see this child, but he DOES have a legal obligation to support the child. Period. That's how it works. Do what you need to do to make sure the baby you BOTH made is taken care of. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You have a legal problem on top of your described emotional problem See a family law attorney regarding paternity suit or acknowledgement of pAternity by OM. Do not rely on him to voluntarily pay you support for the child. Unless and until he is legally determined to be the father he has no obligation of support. He has been getting it for free from you and now it's his turn to pay.not being harsh with you but rather realistic. So what if he doesn't like you doing this to him! Your obligation is to the child and will be for 18 years or more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So the OM has a wife and child. He cheats on her with you through AM, which would imply this probably isn't his first rodeo IMO. He finds out you're pregnant and basically tells you and the baby to get lost. This guy's lining up to be a deadbeat dad on top of being an adulterer. How'd ya let him slip through your fingers? As far as child support goes, you should just do what has to be done in order to provide for your baby, if that means blowing up his little world, than oh well he should of thought of that before he cheated on his wife. Actions have consequences. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You didn't get pregnant by yourself. He helped out and if he was that stupid not to use protection then that's his problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You picked s winner here. Maybe you can move in with him and the Mrs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 No long conversations of "I miss you" and it's usually a hookup in his driveway late at night, he doesn't even come to my apartment anymore. At 25 weeks pregnant, you drive late at night to the house of a man who has no non-sexual use for you to hook up in his driveway while his wife and child sleep inside ? What on earth are you doing ??? Mr. Lucky 19 Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I'm sincerely sorry dear, but you sound like a junkie. I would wish that you find help in fulfilling that big empty hole in your heart by something more spiritual than quickies in a dark driveway. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 This has got to be the most god awful thing I've read here in a while. I've got nothing Except give this baby a chance and put it up for adoption. The dysfunction is profound. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 OP. Time to stop "seeing" yourself in relation to the men in your life. Time to start to look at yourself and ask the serious questions. Who am I? Where do I want to be in 5, 10 years. Time to start to look at yourself with child and ask yourself what you need to do next. NONE of the serious questions before you have anything to do with the men in your life save the child you are about to give birth to is a boy. Men are not the answer to your life, they are part of the problem in it. You will know when a man is a complement to your life, not just another problem to solve. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I posted in the wrong forum yesterday. /sigh Anyway, I have been having a dedicated affair for 10 months now. Before I met my MM I had started my own divorce process. MM and I met late November of 2014, in April 2015 I moved to an apartment in MM's town which my soon to be divorced spouse is paying, and in June discovered I was pregnant. MM closed himself off completely emotionally around July/August. We would talk endlessly for hours a night, see each other 2-3 times a week where he'd stay for hours or we'd still do overnights at hotels even though I had my apartment. He said he absolutely cannot be a Dad. That stability to his own marriage and family is the priority. He only acknowledged our pregnancy twice until about 3 weeks ago when he attempted to break up with me. I had gotten to the point where I accepted he was leaving me and emailed him a goodbye. He emailed back he was still a man with needs and didn't want us to end but it had to be just nsa encounters, nothing more, and no emotional attachments. If I'm completely honest here, I am head over heels for this man. I think about him to the point of obsession so I said okay. He no longer comes to my apartment, instead we have hookups (5-20 min quickies) late at night in the end of his driveway. I have been reduced to a booty call when he used to treat me as his everything. Not a day would go by where we didn't talk to each other, and we'd talk about everything.. Now he only emails me every 3+ days telling me to come over and have sex with him. He said he doesn't trust me anymore but I haven't done anything to break that trust. No one knows about him, no one knows he fathered the baby I'm carrying, I've kept my mouth shut about everything. I have no idea why he doesn't trust me as all I showed him was loyalty...... But, I'm getting upset. I'm 26 weeks pregnant, he's had the last 16 to acknowledge the pregnancy in a positive way. He's had over 4 months to realize I'm not terminating and come to grips with the reality he's going to have another child out there. What do I do when our baby is born? He told me a few months ago he expects me to just walk away, just disappear, never contact him again. Is that the right thing? I am not made of money myself. I float on spousal support from my so close to be ex husband (one more court meeting until it's finalized) and a few freelance gigs. I DO want my baby, so much. But I'm scared of MM being a deadbeat. The really horrible thing is he's a wonderful father to the child he has with his wife. He has it in him to be an awesome parent, I just do not understand how he can treat me like the pregnant servant girl and send me away as soon as the baby comes. How do I finally let him go so I can do what's best for the baby? I love this man so much, my feelings are genuine, if you could have seen him the first three months you'd understand but now he's so cold. The sex is still incredible even though he's forced me to late night booty calls which have demeaned everything I ever was to him. ? What do I do? It hurts so much thinking of a life without him in it or thinking of raising our baby alone. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 This is a hard situation. I loved him very much, I think I always will, but the reduction in the affair to basically a hookup is demeaning. It's hard to walk away though especially since I know he still wants me in his life, even if he's severed his emotional connection to me. He fulfilled everything that lacked in my 10 year marriage, Thoughts? Mayday2016: this is the problem, until you realize that your MM, like 99.99% of all cheating MM" does not love you or give a s**T about you, you won't go anyware. he doesn't want you to be a mother of any of his kids, he doesn't want you to be part of his "normal" life" he will consider his wife and kids his normal life. no pun intended, but to him you are a side chick for extra sexual fun, he would tell you what you want to hear and all things you are missing in your marriage, he would do all what would be enough to keep you around without interfering with his "normal" life. trust me we have seen it 1000s time here. you are brainwashed by him and you need to wake up. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) So this is the guy who just calls you to have sex in his driveway, right? And from the sound of your previous thread it sounds like you oblige. You are specifically asking what to do? Get a paternity test and file for child support, but be prepared for dday, no contact, and him probably having no relationship with your child. Some men will leave for OW + baby, but this one does not sound like one. In fact, I am willing to bet he will throw you and babe under the bus so hard your head will spin. Good luck, sounds like you are in for an emotional roller coaster. Also, the advice given in the other forum was spot on. This one is a no brainer. He made a baby, he has to pay. Edited October 12, 2015 by Ms. Faust 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueDress Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He has said he wants nothing more out of her and doesn't want the baby. She kept it anyway. She needs to move along and leave the man and his family alone. She knew by keeping it that he'd want nothing to do with it or her. Using the baby to get what she wants out of him, money or leverage with his family, isn't right. She didn't protect herself either and now she pays the price. A baby with no father she deals with alone or sends out for a family that will take care of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He has said he wants nothing more out of her and doesn't want the baby. She kept it anyway. She needs to move along and leave the man and his family alone. She knew by keeping it that he'd want nothing to do with it or her. Using the baby to get what she wants out of him, money or leverage with his family, isn't right. She didn't protect herself either and now she pays the price. A baby with no father she deals with alone or sends out for a family that will take care of it. That is not how the courts will see it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 damn... this post is breaking my heart... i was also pregnant by a mm... i got an abortion 8 months ago i m so sorry for what u re going thru. i hope u re ready to be a single mom.. these men are not able to be there in these situations... they r too ****ed up and they only care about themselves... god bless u and ur baby. i m here for u Dela 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Blue dress...I strongly disagree with you. He is responsible financially to help care for the child. I think she should get a lawyer...and proceed the way he/she tells her to. I don't know the law in the state she resides....so I certainly cannot offer any advice about procedure....but morally and legally this man is indeed responsible for the financial support. This man knew the consequences of his behavior...he was willing to take that risk. Now he must pay the piper. Likely he will lose his family...... The only people I sympathize with here are the wife and children of this man....they are innocent victims. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He has said he wants nothing more out of her and doesn't want the baby. She kept it anyway. She needs to move along and leave the man and his family alone. She knew by keeping it that he'd want nothing to do with it or her. Using the baby to get what she wants out of him, money or leverage with his family, isn't right. She didn't protect herself either and now she pays the price. A baby with no father she deals with alone or sends out for a family that will take care of it. He should have protected his family by not cheating. He didn't so now he and his family will pay the consequences of his choices. He should have had more concern for his wife and child instead of meeting other men's wives on a cheating website. Why do you think he shouldn't have to pay for his choices? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He has said he wants nothing more out of her and doesn't want the baby. She kept it anyway. She needs to move along and leave the man and his family alone. She knew by keeping it that he'd want nothing to do with it or her. Using the baby to get what she wants out of him, money or leverage with his family, isn't right. She didn't protect herself either and now she pays the price. A baby with no father she deals with alone or sends out for a family that will take care of it. The child has a mom and a dad. This child does not need to be dumped off onto others. How can an adult, man or woman, say I did not expect a pregnancy from them having sex. Sex is like Russian roulette, never know when it will happen, but keep pulling the trigger............ 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He's already a dead beat father, hon. How did you fall pregnant, out of interest? Was there a 'who needs contraception' talk at all in the midst of all the lust? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 He's already a dead beat father, hon. How did you fall pregnant, out of interest? Was there a 'who needs contraception' talk at all in the midst of all the lust? My IUD had fallen out. I went in for an annual pap and the Gyno couldn't find my strings. She ordered an ultrasound so they could see if it had gone upwards instead of outward. They saw on the u/s I was pregnant, baby had a heartbeat, pregnancy looked good so far. It's been an uneventful pregnancy, no complications yet. I just haven't been able to be happy or enjoy it due to the circumstances. Believe me, this should be the most joyous period of my life and I have to live it in secrecy and shame. I've cried every day, I haven't bought anything for the baby yet nor do I have any names picked out. That's a whole other dilemma, whose surname do I give the baby? I'm keeping my married name when my divorce is finalized, so do I give the baby my ex husbands last name even though it isn't his child? Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 The MM has to pay child support but he does not have to be part of a child's life. I believe he says you have been disloyal to him by going ahead with the pregnancy when he said he didn't want it. That seems to have turned him off emotionally. You are in love with the way he used to treat you but he is no longer treating you that way. He is using you. Are you hoping the sight of the baby will change his mind? I don't think he will see your baby. He will walk away. He has pulled more and more away from you the last few months. Did you have the hope you would divorce and then he would after he found out about the baby? I'm just curious how long does your STBXH have to pay spousal support? Please see how wrong this relationship is for you now and how he is only using you. You're right it is demeaning. I am so sorry you are hurting and in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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