Pregnant from my affair

[PrettyEmily77]

My IUD had fallen out. I went in for an annual pap and the Gyno couldn't find my strings. She ordered an ultrasound so they could see if it had gone upwards instead of outward. They saw on the u/s I was pregnant, baby had a heartbeat, pregnancy looked good so far. It's been an uneventful pregnancy, no complications yet. I just haven't been able to be happy or enjoy it due to the circumstances. Believe me, this should be the most joyous period of my life and I have to live it in secrecy and shame. I've cried every day, I haven't bought anything for the baby yet nor do I have any names picked out. That's a whole other dilemma, whose surname do I give the baby? I'm keeping my married name when my divorce is finalized, so do I give the baby my ex husbands last name even though it isn't his child?

 

Don't know how IUDs work but it's probs besides the point at this stage. How do you feel about being a single parent? Do you have a strong backup (friends/famiky) you can rely on? Looks like you could do with some comforting and sipport at this point, and it would probs be best for you to look for it from ppl who genuinely care about your well being and the baby - doesn't seem to me like it's the baby's father atm, sadly.

[summerdowling87]

No he's not a good father.

 

Why?

 

Because daddy's out cheating on the child mom.

Because daddy's out getting laid in the middle of the night instead of spending that time with his child.

Because dad's cheating and now the child has a half-sibling he or she may or may meet.

Because the dad may possibly break-up the child family he or is may become child of divorce.

 

Also he has NO respect for his child.. He having sex with you in the driveway what if the child saw this?

 

He has no respect for YOU or his WIFE or his CHILD.

[summerdowling87]

He says he wants only sex and it's something she's happily engaged in even now.

 

So did he also and...baby came from it.

 

So now he need to step up and take care of what he help create. It take two to make a baby.

[gettingstronger]

I agree there are lots of harsh realities in this story however, I think the root is why- why would you continue to see this person and invest anything in him- he is clearly not someone you can count on and at this point in your life you need to surround yourself with people you can count on-

[anika99]

OP one day you will look back to this time and how you allow this MM to treat you and you will be so disgusted by it. This is horrible! You justify this blatant disrespect by saying "I love him", but I don't think you really do. You didn't really know him while you were living in a different city, you were got up in lust and fanatasy and the excitement. Then you moved to be near him and the first couple of months were more lust and fantasy and excitement and still you didn't truly know him. Then there was a problem, you got pregnant and now you are seeing this mans for who he really is.

 

You don't love him. Who love's a man that degrades them and treats them like human garbage? You love the fantasy in your head, the man he was pretending to be while he was enjoying an exciting problem free affair with you. Anyone can look perfect while they are having fun, getting attention and there are no problems. The guy you are dealing with is the guy he really is. Just a creepy married dude who trolls Ashley Madison looking for sex and ego strokes.

 

You say he is a wonderful father to the child he has with his wife. How the hell would you know? Have you observed him being a wonderful father? Have his friends and family and wife confirmed in conversations with you that he is a wonderful father? How do you know? Because he says so? That's a laugh. He is a father who happily risked the health and happiness of his child's home life and still continues to do so by hook ups with you just to keep his dick happy. Does that sound like a wonderful father to you? This coupled with the disgusting and degrading way he is treating you adds up to a man you love? No it doesn't. You don't love him. You love the romantic fantasy man who only exists in your head. The reality isn't anything close to love so stop excusing your outrageous behaviour by calling it love.

 

You need to completely stop communicating with this guy so you can get your head straight and see things for what they really are. I suspect that the MM is not only continuing to see you just for easy booty, I think he also wants to keep an eye on the person who could potentially blow up his world. By continuing to contact you and have sex with you he keeps you under his spell and he feels like he can still control the situation. Once you go no contact with him you will begin to awaken from your fantasy haze and see the truth.

 

 

Walk away and then assess the situation. Be realistic about this guy and what you think will happen if you demand child support. I think your baby is entitled to support but I always worry in situations like this that there is a possibility of violence. The MM doesn't love you, actually the way he treats you it seems that he already has nothing but contempt for you. Could he become violent? Also consider that once the cat's out of the bag and he can't hide anymore he may want visitation with his child and he has a rights too. If his wife stays with him she will be the one you deal with most likely. His wife will takeover all support payments, visitation drop offs and pick ups, conversations concerning the child will go through her and he will no longer be allowed to deal with you, at all.

 

Stop seeing this man so you can think clearly and then make your decisions based on reality

[Fleur de cactus]

I am so sorry about the situation you are in. I know some say you should end the pregnancy but I am proud of you since you decided to keep your child. But now you have to open your eyes and see clearly because everything is written on the wall in front of you it is up to you to see and follow.

 

He does not trust you because he think you set him a trap. Ask yourself what did you Expect from this situation. Did you think /want him to leave his family and be with you? Now since he told he does not want anything to do with you and the baby. You have to understand that he does not love you. It was all about sex.

 

Do what you have to do so that he can pay CS and move on find a single man. You said you love him , but did he tell you that his wife does not love him? He is a good father? Do you think about the other kid he has? You both are responsible of this messy situation but thinking that he should stay with you is selfish.

 

This is a very bad situation that could be dangerous too. Find a legal advice, protect yourself and maybe move away from his town. Make him complete his legal obligation but stop this relationship and find a single man. Good luck

[S2B]

Since he doesn't want to be involved with the child you can assume he won't want visitation.

 

It doesn't mean he isn't responsible financially.

 

File papers after the birth to hold him responsible for paying a monthly amount. This helps you provide for the child.

 

I hope you will find worthy male role models as the child gets older.

 

 

The MM participated. That makes him responsible for his part in it. The less time he spends with the child - the more he would normally pay.

[Mr. Lucky]

The really horrible thing is he's a wonderful father to the child he has with his wife. He has it in him to be an awesome parent

 

Since there's considerable evidence to the contrary, I'm curious as to why you think this is true.

 

Someone who's a "wonderful" parent to his existing child doesn't risk his family's security by "hooking up" with you in the driveway.

 

Someone who'd be an "awesome" father to your child doesn't send you away (except for late nights) like you were an inconsequential character in a Dickens novel.

 

It seems many of the things you believe to be true about your AP, how he feels about you and what's actually going on aren't grounded in reality.

 

Wake up, your child will need you to be proactive in his/her life. Time for you to realize what's really at stake here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dela]

i would advise everyone to be ok and nice about this subject...

i m sure she s ****ed up enough and deep down she knows what she signed up for... i ve been there.

 

since i ve been there, i will tell u what i think about this.

 

1. i know he was a part of this and of course he is responsible, but u cannot force a person to be a parent for ur child. u just can t!

 

2. i hope u didn t keep the baby to make him be with u. that would be a horrible thing that u will regret for the rest of your life.

 

3. it was your choice and only yours to keep it. he said he didn t want it, he said he didn t want anything to do with u(more than it is now). i m not trying to be mean, i m really not, as i told u, i ve been in your situation 9 months ago... i was supposed to have a 2-3 week child now. but it WAS YOUR CHOICE.

 

what i did back then was: having conversations with him, announcing my family and friends. no one supported my idea of keeping it, even if the MM said he will leave his family (lol). i didn t want to keep a child based on some words a man i knew for 2 months was telling me.

my stepdad was the coolest, he said that if me and MM want to be together and keep the baby then we have all his support.

 

i didn t want to sue him for cs(i didn t need his money, i just needed a father to my child, that s all. u can t buy that)

also he has 2 kids and i didn t want to **** their life, that was not my intention when i started dating a MM.

he wasn t much support to me, as he didn t encourage me to keep it, but didn t encourage me to abort also. he told me he will support whatever i decide(lol)... he told me he doesn t want the baby but he will be part of his life if i keep it. so i didn t keep it. i can risk my ass in the game but i didn t want to risk having a baby asking who/where his father is...

i am 26 and was not ready to be a single mom.

 

if i were u, i would kick his ass... don t tell the wife, don t ask for money, don t do anything. it won t bring him in ur life, plus he has another child and most probably his wife would kick his ass and that kid didn t do anything wrong to u...

i m not defending mm, i m just saying, as a mother, u decided to keep it and it s your responsibility. 200-300$ a month won t hold your baby, feed the baby and love the baby.

u don t need him. he will never be a father to ur child. stop seeing him and focus on you and the baby.

 

hugs

[autumnnight]

He emailed back he was still a man with needs and didn't want us to end but it had to be just nsa encounters, nothing more, and no emotional attachments.

 

This tells you everything you need to know.

 

No, you were not perfect, but you were in the divorce process, moved out, separated.

 

THIS man was married, on AM, and looking for action. And when he finds out your are pregnant he makes his intentions clear.

 

I know you love him. I know you are very attached to him. But he will be a terrible example for this child, and he is using you while you are pregnant.

 

I think fellini had some excellent advice. Get some counseling and help to learn to be content in yourself. Dedicate yourself to being a great mother. Keep men out of the equation for a while.

[DKT3]

I'm still stuck on the fact that she wants to give this child her husbands name. Can't help but think she is looking to add some more money to her account from him.

[S2B]

You can ask the courts to refer your legal name to your maiden name. Then give the child your maiden name for legal purposes.

 

 

Technically you need to list the father on the birth certificate. List the MM.

 

He may require a paternity test - if it shows him being the parent then have him provide monthly support money.

[Ms. Faust]

You can ask the courts to refer your legal name to your maiden name. Then give the child your maiden name for legal purposes.

 

 

Technically you need to list the father on the birth certificate. List the MM.

 

He may require a paternity test - if it shows him being the parent then have him provide monthly support money.

 

There is no "may" about it. Us on the forums are just the beginning of a long list of people who will say "get a paternity test". And if she goes after child support (which she should) then she will most definitely have to have a paternity test done.

 

Blue dress, your arguments are moot. Fact is the law doesn't care about the situation, how she got pregnant, or whether or not he wanted the baby. Call it unfair, call it wrong, call it what you will, it is what it is. If she waits until the kid is 15 years old she can still go after support, and the father will be on the hook retroactively as well.

 

There was a case in Michigan where the father was blatantly lied to about the pregnancy and he is still forking over child support every month. His case has been thrown out 2 or 3 times.

 

No one cares about the parents situation it is all about the best interest of the child... And since the mom has no real job and is living off of spousal support which is probably short term, her going away and the MM getting off Scott free is not in the best interest of the child. Any court in any state will agree.

 

That is why IUD or not, you should always wear a raincoat if you don't want diseases or an unexpected pregnancy. Live and learn.

Edited October 12, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[bathtub-row]

Mayday, I think what you're missing is that whatever this guy did with you or said to you in the beginning was his usual mode of operation. I know you really don't want to admit this to yourself, but his feelings for you are not even in the ballpark of what yours are.

 

Staying naive about men will not serve you in life. It's neither cute nor charming. There have been so many errors here that I don't even care to name them. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that this "because I love him" mentality is completely destroying your life. I hope you do some serious soul-searching in the months and years to come.

 

I believe someone else said it but I'll repeat it for emphasis. You are a real threat to MM's life. You're a threat to his marriage, his child, his reputation, his money, and his home. Right now, he's a cornered animal and I hope I don't need to remind you about what animals do when they're cornered. Tread very, very carefully here. He is not who you think he is. Not even close.

[William]

Folks, I got an alert on this thread and asked the other moderators to weigh in before disposing of that alert and moderating the thread and members. We'll leave it online and closed pending that input. Thanks to those who posted respectful comments to the thread starter.

[Robert]

Based on a review by moderation and subsequent clean up, this thread has been re-opened. Moderation thanks those that have been respectful with their responses and remember our guidelines when posting. Thank you. ~ V

[Grapesofwrath]

Mayday: please allow me to add my voice to the chorus of the following:

 

* MM's name goes on the birth certificate. First, because it's the truth, and second because that legal fact will be important in a variety of ways.

 

* under no circumstances should you be alone with him ever again. I agree that he could become violent or, at least, physically threatening. This is not a good man, and I fear he is capable of brutality if he feels it will solve his situation for him.

 

* under no circumstances should you continue to have sex with him. Not only for the reason stated above, but also because he is likely having sex with other women besides you. This exposes you, and your unborn child, to risk of disease and serious complications in your pregnancy.

 

* get a lawyer. Raising children is expensive. You will need, and are entitled to, his financial contribution for the next 18 years if you are going to raise this child. You will need health insurance, etc. You will need it, and the child deserves it.

 

* ask yourself if you are really ready to be a mother to this child. Did you keep the pregnancy in the hopes that MM would be with you? Be courageously honest in your response. adoption is still an option, and there are open adoptions that would allow you to maintain contact with the baby while allowing him or her to be raised by another couple who have the resources and desire to provide a home. Being a single mom is difficult, under the best circumstances. I'm worried for you that you are starting out with the cards stacked against you.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Record his calls & messages. Force him to sign the birth certificate or you will demand a paternity hearing/test. Seek child support. Stop having sex with him.

[Grapesofwrath]

May: if I understand your OP, you are now 28 weeks along? Have those in your life noticed the physical changes? Have you been able to share the truth with anyone? How are you getting support?

[Mayday2016]

May: if I understand your OP, you are now 28 weeks along? Have those in your life noticed the physical changes? Have you been able to share the truth with anyone? How are you getting support?

 

 

This has been a big thing. My family know I'm pregnant, I told them it was a guy, it didn't work out. They've pressured me for more information - his name, where/if he works, etc. I have stood firm in my resolve to conceal his identity. It's been so hard. Signing up with my OB they ask standard information like who the father is, contact info, and paternal family history. I opted not to disclose anything. At this point, no one knows who he is.

[Fleur de cactus]

May I know you don't want to disclose info about the father of your child , you are not ready yet, but I think it is a good idea to tell someone. At least one person should know who is the father. This person does not have to be a family member, it could be a friend. That was another thought. Stay strong.

[Mayday2016]

May I know you don't want to disclose info about the father of your child , you are not ready yet, but I think it is a good idea to tell someone. At least one person should know who is the father. This person does not have to be a family member, it could be a friend. That was another thought. Stay strong.

 

 

I have no one close enough in my life I'd trust with this huge secret. I have protected him from day one, I have never done anything to damage his life. I didn't start out thinking I'd keep the pregnancy either. He sat down when I told him and said, 'I support you no matter what you choose.... I always wanted more children but my wife is obviously too insane to have more...' Before that I had already scheduled a termination. When he said that it changed my whole thinking and I started dreaming what it would be like. I know it was crazy living in a fantasy, especially when a month or two later he told me I made the wrong choice of keeping the baby.

 

I know it all seems so ridiculous but I absolutely fell in love with him. Even when he was at his worst I was there wanting to be close to him. I've seen him in terrible sorts, it wasn't all fantasy or illusion, we had many real moments over the last 11 months. Many.

 

I am just so torn. I can't give him up so I took the booty call reduction because it was still maintaining a piece of him. He really is an incredible person- charming, enigmatic, handsome, insanely intelligent, witty, and tragic in all the best ways. Letting go of him, not the fantasy of him, but the real him has proven almost impossible. Look at me now, reduced to crumbs, and I happily accept them.

 

I couldn't terminate the pregnancy because it would have ended the one thing he ever gave me. Years ago I had an abortion and it crippled me, I couldn't bear the thought of disposing of something that I already loved so much. And I do love my baby even though I cant be happy and joyous because she has to stay a secret. I am hurting so much, on one hand I love him and would NEVER want to harm him, on the other I love our daughter that I feel kick and hiccup and roll every day. I just don't know what to do.

[bathtub-row]

May I know you don't want to disclose info about the father of your child , you are not ready yet, but I think it is a good idea to tell someone. At least one person should know who is the father. This person does not have to be a family member, it could be a friend. That was another thought. Stay strong.

 

I agree with this. What if something happened to you during childbirth? Your child would never know who his/her father is. This is a very difficult thing for a child to live with. I'm sure you don't want that for your child. Even if you give up your child for adoption, he/she still has a right to know who his/her parents are.

 

I'm afraid that you may be thinking that MM will end up divorcing his wife, or that she'll end up leaving him because of his affair with you -- and that he'll then turn to you. I really hope you're not thinking that because MM has some very important goals that go completely against this idea, namely: keeping you and the child a secret, and keeping his marriage intact.

 

I hope and pray that you will take some of the good advice others have offered you in this thread.

[Shadowburn]

I have to agree with other posters, you need to be very cautious.

You moved away from you home town to be close to MM, so you probably don't have family/friends there.

You've been keeping your relationship with him as a secret. You didn't tell anyone he is a father of your child.

You are meeting him late at night. Please be very careful, this man could be dangerous.

 

And his email to you, he is "still a man with needs"... Please wake up, he is just disgusting, why oh why any woman would ever put up with being treated like that

Edited October 13, 2015 by Shadowburn

[SoleMate]

You absolutely need to tell at least one person who the father is, so I recommend you hire a family lawyer for 1 hour of advice. Tell your whole situation, name the father, and ask for options. I'd also recommend you seek a counselor to work on boundaries, self-esteem, grief and loss and trauma (you've been through a lot already and there's more coming), and making choices for your life. Right now, you don't have anyone to talk to IRL, and it's obviously hard to make good decisions when you can't talk through your ideas and feelings with someone safe. Good luck to you and your baby, wishing for the best for you.