How do I confront wife about shocking sexual past?

October 11, 2015

I have never written to a website like this and I'm not sure if this is even the appropriate place to do so, but to be honest, I don't know where else to turn. I Googled “dealing with wife's sexual history before marriage” and this website was the first on the list that was not overtly religious. I do not have a problem with religion or religious people, but I'm looking for answers and advice, I am not looking for people to preach to me.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two beautiful children. I would say we have a very strong marriage. We are both educated, successful, and active in the community. My wife is 38 and went to college from 1995 to 1999 (I am a few years older). We did not attend the same college and met in 2001. She has never given me much detail on her sexual history. I knew she had a boyfriend throughout high school whom she lost her virginity to and that she did not date during college. Instead, her sexual history during college as far I knew was “a couple of one-night stands”, her words, not mine. I never asked for details because frankly, a couple of one-night stands seemed rather normal to me for a young woman's sexual history in college. God knows, I had more than a couple myself and never considered it an issue.

In August I was in our storage room under the stairs in the garage. I had to get to the very back of the storage room so I had to move some boxes around. In the process I knocked a small chest my wife has had since college off of another box and it fell to the ground and popped open. I had seen the chest before, it was just a little box filled with mementos from her sorority days. It had probably not seen the light of day in 10 years. Everything had spilled out. As I began to put it all back into the chest I found a piece of cardboard that was white on one side. There was a bulky envelope taped to the other side of it. I found it peculiar that an enveloped was taped to it, but didn't give it much thought at first. While refilling the chest however I wasn't quite sure where it went because I couldn't fit it in. It was then that I realized that the inside of the little chest was white, just like one side of the cardboard. After re-emptying the chest I found that the cardboard could be laid into the chest, with the envelope facing down, creating a false bottom.

Obviously this was meant to hide whatever was in the envelope. My curiosity got the better of me after that so I decided to open the envelope. I am now regretting that I did so.

Inside the envelope was a folded up piece of pink paper and a stack of Polaroid pictures. The pictures were all of my wife, obviously during her college days, and each picture was of her having sex with multiple black men, at the same time. Looking through the pictures it was obvious they were from at least two different encounters, maybe more. The pink paper was apparently some kind of flyer or invitation for a party in 1997. It had Greek letters at the top and a drawing of a drooling chicken in the middle. The chicken was drawn to look like a female (not a rooster). The party was called a “Chickenhead Convention” and it said on the flyer that it was “Invitation Only”.

This has obviously completely changed how I see my wife. This was clearly a side of her and her past that I would have never guessed. I did not confront her about what I found for two main reasons. First, it was in her past, before we met, so on some level I guess it isn't my business. However, in my mind, a marriage should not have secrets and this was a big secret since I think this qualifies as far more than “a couple of one-night stands”. I have been an open book with her regarding all of my previous relationships, sexual or otherwise. Second, I was afraid if I confronted her about it she would not be fully honest with me because she would feel that I was snooping (I admit I may have had no right to open the envelope, but I was not intentionally looking for anything when I found it).

I have spent the last month or so trying to figure out as much as I can about what these pictures and the flyer represent. I Googled “Chickenhead Convention” and found that it was a rap song made in 1996. I must confess however, after watching the video online I have no idea what the song is about, so I still have no clue what the significance of the flyer is. I also Googled the Greek letters on the top of the flyer. It was an African-American fraternity. I have confirmed that where she went to college has a chapter of that fraternity.

I am not jealous and I would never leave her over something like this, but I can't stop thinking about it. There are several specifics that bother me.

#1 In several of the pictures she is smiling or laughing, which obviously indicates that these were consensual encounters (she was clearly enjoying herself). I realize that people change and that people also experiment in college, but I am still having trouble reconciling the woman in the Polaroids with my wife. I can't believe this is the same woman I married.

#2 My wife would never allow someone she did not know well to take risque photographs of her (I doubt that any woman would). That being said, I think it is a safe assumption that she knew the men in these pictures quite well. Well enough that I'm guessing she had sexual encounters with one or more of them before these pictures were taken (I have no proof of that, but just knowing my wife, she would never consent to doing what was in the pictures with a group of people she did not know and trust).

#3 In almost all of the pictures you can clearly see that she is having unprotected sex. Again, I'm having trouble accepting that the woman I married engaged in group sex so casually and recklessly.

#4 On two of the Polaroids there are pin holes, as if they were tacked up somewhere on a bulletin board. Where were these displayed? And why? I seriously doubt they were posted in her sorority. The other option (hanging somewhere in the fraternity) makes me nauseous.

#5 The most graphic pictures clearly show her engaging in sexual activities that she has never done with me and she has also told me that she had never done and would never do (i.e., anal sex and swallowing semen). I am not so much hurt by the fact that she said she would never do these with me, but I am hurt more by the fact that she told me an outright lie when she said she had never done them and never would.

#6 The fact the there are pictures of her having sex with multiple black men and she has a flyer for what I am presuming is some sort of party at a black fraternity is, in my opinion, not a coincidence. I think since she saved them together the two must be somehow connected. I'm guessing the same fraternity mentioned on the flyer are the same people she is having sex with in all the Polaroids. All of this makes me believe that she was involved in something far more reaching than some random sexual encounters. I have no proof of this of course, it is just a gut feeling.

I guess I'm hoping for a few things out of this. One, some advice on how I should confront my wife. I cannot let this lie. This will haunt me until the end of my days until I know what exactly was going on. As I said, I realize people change, and this was her past, and before we met, but I feel that now that I know I am entitled to an explanation. After all, she chose to keep these things in our house. The house we bought and our raising our children in. My second hope is that some of you may be able to offer a little insight into what she may have been involved in. Was she a swinger? A stripper? A prostitute!? What is the significance of a “Chickenhead Convention”? I realize there is a very good possibility that she will become very angry that I found these pictures and may not tell me anything. In which case, I'm hoping I can deduce at least part of what she was involved in.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove formatting

October 11, 2015

Give me the first letter of the name of the fraternity and I'll give you some insight.

October 11, 2015

Is your wife African American too?

I've heard of groups where men watch their wives having sex with groups of black guys. I believe it is called Cuckolding. Maybe your wife will invite you to try something like that if you raise this subject with her.

October 11, 2015

Damn that's a wild story. I definitely feel for you as that would be a shock to my system stumbling upon something like that as well. Makes you question a lot and no doubt will make you look at your wife differently.

I think you need to decide for yourself if the specifics around the pictures and knowing more will make you feel more at ease because you have the full story or also if you will be unable to treat your wife the same way until you know what her past entailed.

The flip side of it is that if you do confront her and find out more information, I can pretty much guarantee that the answers are not going to be pretty or what you want to hear. You already have the visual so would finding out that she was a bit wild during college and they had sex parties with frats often make you feel better about the situation?

If you know this is something you're not going to leave her for and you and her have a kind of relationship where you can communicate openly then the best thing to do in my opinion is to tell her there's something you need to talk to her about. Assure her that you know it happened before you met and you're not going to leave her but you're sure she can understand your curiously and shock stumbling onto something like this. And make sure she understands that you came across the photos by pure chance after knocking over the box.

Ask her how she would've handled it if she found pictures of you like that. Also bring up that it's partly the actions themselves but you're wondering why she held onto them so secretly for all these years. And if she gets defensive then ask her... "If I could've randomly come across and found these, what would we have done if our kids somehow came across them first?"

If I were you I would need to know more or else it would eat me alive inside. Get in front of it and broach the subject instead of letting it slowly dig at you the longer you wait.

October 11, 2015

According to Wiki, Chickenhead is a 'derogatory American English slang term that can refer either to a dumb female or, derisively, to someone who performs fellatio'.

October 11, 2015

I am sorry that you found out about your wife's history is such a manner..... as you are married and already deeply committed i suggest total honesty......there is no other way....i dont think it is ever going to be a gentle meandering conversation...it needs to be bought up......for your own peace of mind.....as far as keeping the letter and momentos goes...she could have forgotten all about them.....and your wife participating in risque sex or sex she does not have with you......a lot of people change over years...and the sex she might have been smiling while having may not actually be really the type of sex she wants to smile about...fact is...if she truly enjoyed it....dont you think she would have told you she likes it.......obviously...she doesnt....

i have read some of the advice you have been given,qboro gave a thoughtful repose...obviously some dont think you are for real....i do however feel why would anyone write such a story, take that time and effort......and it not be real..my own personal history is rather brutal and unbelievable to some......so....i believe you.

i hope in some way my advice helps.........just be honest with your wife and tell the truth it makes things a lot simpler....so simplify and be truthful.....you will find truth flows out from you easily......and hopefully it will with her too.....eventually......deb

October 11, 2015

Chickens peck their heads back and forth.

Chickenhead is a slang work a woman giving oral sex to a man for the way the head moves up and down.

It would appear that invitations to a chickenhead party was for the invited guests to do some oral.

I will say this if you or when you tell your wife that you now know she is still not going to give up to you what she gave up in her past.

October 11, 2015

Silly but true: me/we - wife/life

First the past is only impotant to a person in that unless changed it is the future.

Not discussing poisons a marriage like slow drip of anti-freeze. Hard, but you need only corcern yourself with the why and only the why and not the what. Not to gain a moral high ground, but to prevent a repeat.

Her actions could represent a period of self punishment, keeping the pixs a reminder to never go back there. If so find out what triggered the action and protect her from them.

If you confront in anger, you lose your life.

October 12, 2015

Show her the pictures and ask her to tell you about it. Yes, the past is the past, but that doesn't mean the past is irrelavent. If your wife has in the past had a desire to be dominated, and by a very specific ethnic group, then you should probably know about it. If you read LS long enough people here seem to think that a husband or wife has no business knowing about their spouse's past. I personally agree, but only to an extent. I don't want to know that much about my wife's past, but if she was into orgies or being gangbanged, yeah, I'd want to know that. I doubt it would end our marriage, but you can bet your ass I'd want to know about it. And as a good husband, if I were into such things myself, she would have already heard about it from me and would not have to find some old pictures in an envelope.

October 12, 2015

Was she a swinger? A stripper? A prostitute!?

Perhaps a bit of all three.

She may have had a curiosity about being dominated and take by a group of black guys and there may have been rumors and such of a "gang Bang Squad" at this fraternity and that may have spiked her curiosity.

And this frat may have offered some form of payment or favors or something for women to participate in their parties. She may have been approached and offered some form of payment to participate.

Heck for all we know she may have been pissed at some old boyfriend or something and this was her revenge. That would also explain the polaroids and smiles for the camera.

I don't know if you'll ever know the whole truth and perhaps you shouldn't.

Since you have no intentions of leaving her or holding it against her. My recommendation would be to seek individual counseling on your own first before doing anything.

A professional may help you organize your thoughts and prioritize what concerns and issues bother you the most and what you hope to accomplish with this new found knowledge. A counselor can help you decide if there is anything to be done of if this is one of those things from youth that are best left in the past.

And a which ever route and course of action you decide to take, a counselor can help advise you on how best to accomplish it.

Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up quote

October 12, 2015

As far as confronting her, I don't think the "The chest fell over and then fell open, and then the false bottom fell open and then the envelope fell open and I happened to go through all the pictures" story is going to hold a lot of water.

October 12, 2015

Jesus...Im struggling enough with my wifes past and I knew most of it before we got married. Im not sure I would be able to go on in a marriage knowing and seeing what you saw. I'd be open and honest with her or else this is going to eat you alive.

On a side note....how many bloody times are marriages going to get into trouble after 10+ years because the husband finds out something that the wife lied about. Mainly how many partners she had or what she did back then that she refuses to do now??

Is it impossible to find a woman who didn't sleep with the whole football team in college and then lie about it to their husband when they are ready to settle down?

October 12, 2015

As far as confronting her, I don't think the "The chest fell over and then fell open, and then the false bottom fell open and then the envelope fell open and I happened to go through all the pictures" story is going to hold a lot of water.

Yea I agree with this. Definitely pre plan how you're going to word coming across the pictures. But if it truly was just a random discovery then I wouldn't feel guilty at all if I were the Op. It's not like she had the box in her personal drawer or stored somewhere safe. If he's not a snoopy type husband then she'll know he wasn't just looking for something.

If she said to him "why did you go through my things and open that envelope?!" Then he could just come back with "oh, why did I open the envelope that was secretly hidden and contained pornstar esque Polaroids of my wife and the cast of Boyz In the Hood?... I'm soooooo sorry"

Lol, maybe a bit more maturely

October 12, 2015

Ya man.....Why the F were those pics still around? If your kids found those....man..that would ruin them.

October 12, 2015

This would be something shocking to come across, that's for sure. But as shocking as it seems, I would try to keep it in perspective. A lot of women lie about their sexual past because most men just can't handle it, even the mild stuff. Their egos are usually too tied up in the whole thing, so the lie is really meant to keep from hurting the guy, to keep him from feeling insecure, asking questions, etc.

The thing that concerns me is that she kept those pictures where your kids could stumble on them someday. That would be kinda tragic. As far as your wife not doing those acts with you, she may have decided that she didn't like them after all. She may have been pretending to be having a good time with those guys but ultimately decided the whole thing wasn't for her. I'd be curious about why she kept the photos, unless she hid them and then forgot all about them. It may be her not wanting to completely discard her past.

I do think you should talk to her about it but I would be careful about sounding judgmental. She'll shut down if you do that. However, she had to know that there was a possibility of you coming across the photos someday. Maybe she would feel relieved that you know. And, I agree, this isn't something that's worth ending your marriage over.

October 12, 2015

There's so much of this coming up lately. I don't understand why couples, at the start, can't just agree that the past is the past. What we did in our younger days shapes and defines us as we are today. The 'sex talk', which I don't believe is really necessary, between my husband and me consisted of:

Him: I had my man whore days

Me: I did some things I'm not proud of

I have pics, not horribly explicit, just me and my ex on a nude beach. If H came across them, he'd say 'Wow, your body was ripped back then'. I know him that well, so I don't feel like I have to go thru my hoard of junk from the past to eliminate them.

It seems a lot of this boils down to jealousy. 'She's never done that with me'. Well, maybe she really didn't enjoy it back then, despite the smile for the camera. Maybe she DID enjoy it, once, but it wasn't her thing. Maybe she did it once, to spite someone. She probably felt that if you knew, you wouldn't want her. And I'm sure she hasn't accessed that chest at any time in the past ten years, and looked at the pics, fondly reminiscing. She's NOT proud of it, that I can guarantee.

Grilling a potential life partner on explicit details of their sexual past just seems....pointless. If you've spent an appropriate amount of time together before marrying, three years, judge them for that. Do you grill on other topics such as drug use, alcohol blackouts, sexual abuse (one that might actually be of use), abuse at the hands of parents?

If a potential partner has been such a whore, living and acting the part, you'd have certainly picked up on it while dating. No?

I can't even believe people have pre relationship talks about sexual numbers, much less explicit details. It leads to nothing good, and a sense of competition.

Accept that the past is just that. Accept the person you met, fell in love with, courted and married for who they are now, and when you met them.

It sounds as if this is completely beyond your acceptance. Make sure she receives child support, and alimony based on who she's been for duration of your marriage.

October 12, 2015

Well if she was ashamed of what she did, then she would have got rid of the pictures...............I know I would.

But why did she still hang on to them? I would ask her that. I would also ask her why she lied and said she never did anything other then straight old sex and there's proof with her swallowing seamen and some guys banging her ass.

Boils down to this. If she didn't want anyone to know the pictures would have been gone and life would go on as normal but she saved them. These aren't old birthday or Valentines Day cards but X rated pictures of her throwing a gang bang.

If she found a stash of X rated pictures of you and a few women and you swore to her before that you never did anything like that and the fact that you had them hidden, you can bet the house she would call you out on it.

Look, when you alone with her, bring out the chest and ask her why it has a false bottom with porn pictures of her in it and give her the floor. Honestly sooner or later they would have been found if their in the home. She should have destroyed them. But then there's the lying.

October 12, 2015

OP, I feel for ya man. I really do.

I know you'll confront. Hell, you kinda have to...it's not like you can keep this bottled up. I agree with the poster who said show her the stash and then give her the floor. 20 questions won't be necessary.

October 12, 2015

OP, I feel for ya man. I really do.

I know you'll confront. Hell, you kinda have to...it's not like you can keep this bottled up. I agree with the poster who said show her the stash and then give her the floor. 20 questions won't be necessary.

Yes, I see I didn't answer the original question.

Have it in hand, tell her how you found it. I think her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I would hope for horror and absolute humiliation. No defensive stuff about 'snooping', that's under the bridge.

Best of luck.

October 12, 2015

There's so much of this coming up lately. I don't understand why couples, at the start, can't just agree that the past is the past. What we did in our younger days shapes and defines us as we are today. The 'sex talk', which I don't believe is really necessary, between my husband and me consisted of:

Him: I had my man whore days
Me: I did some things I'm not proud of

I have pics, not horribly explicit, just me and my ex on a nude beach. If H came across them, he'd say 'Wow, your body was ripped back then'. I know him that well, so I don't feel like I have to go thru my hoard of junk from the past to eliminate them.

It seems a lot of this boils down to jealousy. 'She's never done that with me'. Well, maybe she really didn't enjoy it back then, despite the smile for the camera. Maybe she DID enjoy it, once, but it wasn't her thing. Maybe she did it once, to spite someone. She probably felt that if you knew, you wouldn't want her. And I'm sure she hasn't accessed that chest at any time in the past ten years, and looked at the pics, fondly reminiscing. She's NOT proud of it, that I can guarantee.

Grilling a potential life partner on explicit details of their sexual past just seems....pointless. If you've spent an appropriate amount of time together before marrying, three years, judge them for that. Do you grill on other topics such as drug use, alcohol blackouts, sexual abuse (one that might actually be of use), abuse at the hands of parents?

If a potential partner has been such a whore, living and acting the part, you'd have certainly picked up on it while dating. No?

I can't even believe people have pre relationship talks about sexual numbers, much less explicit details. It leads to nothing good, and a sense of competition.

Accept that the past is just that. Accept the person you met, fell in love with, courted and married for who they are now, and when you met them.

It sounds as if this is completely beyond your acceptance. Make sure she receives child support, and alimony based on who she's been for duration of your marriage.

Although I agree in concept, there are certain things I would certainly WANT to know. I have never asked for a detailed description of my wife's past. She has never asked me for one either. HOWEVER, if she had sex for money (prostitution), made porn videos (or ANY sex video that I might find somehow, as in on the internet), or got gang-banged by a fraternity, I would want to know that. That's a little beyond "I've done some things I'm not proud of."

October 12, 2015

Perhaps a bit of all three.

She may have had a curiosity about being dominated and take by a group of black guys and there may have been rumors and such of a "gang Bang Squad" at this fraternity and that may have spiked her curiosity.

And this frat may have offered some form of payment or favors or something for women to participate in their parties. She may have been approached and offered some form of payment to participate.

Heck for all we know she may have been pissed at some old boyfriend or something and this was her revenge. That would also explain the polaroids and smiles for the camera.

I don't know if you'll ever know the whole truth and perhaps you shouldn't.

The likelihood of his wife being paid to do this is very slim. Especially if it is one of the two fraternities I'm thinking of. They have no need to pay for sex. From white sorority girls or anybody else. It may be a hard thing for some folks to face, but chances are she and her sorority sisters were there voluntarily. And thoroughly enjoyed themselves ... voluntarily.

October 12, 2015

Man oh man. This is a story while reading it i just wish it were made up. Eff me man, I'm so so sorry.

THIS is the epitome of ignorance is bliss. This would in fact be a deal breaker for me no question. There is no way i could continue having seen what you have seen. No way. Wow this is a depressing thread.

To be clear, I'm in no way trying to be too harsh or judgemental towards this woman. Look, we all have stuff we did or have done in our past that is a deal breaker to any potential SO. It would take only a couple sentences shared to this forum about my past that a ton of members here would call a deal breaker on me. And im not even mad, and would understand them, and respect their opinion on some of my most shady doings.

All I can possibly say to this one is, truly search yourself. Seek counseling if you must. But you have to make your mind up fairly quickly if this is something you can live the rest of your life with or not. I know right away what my answer would be. That is why this thread is so heartbreaking to me.

Take care of yourself man. Be strong in your decision either way.

October 12, 2015

Although I agree in concept, there are certain things I would certainly WANT to know. I have never asked for a detailed description of my wife's past. She has never asked me for one either. HOWEVER, if she had sex for money (prostitution), made porn videos (or ANY sex video that I might find somehow, as in on the internet), or got gang-banged by a fraternity, I would want to know that. That's a little beyond "I've done some things I'm not proud of."

I agree. But if you get to know someone deeply, and their morals, it's not hard to figure out that you're on the same page sexually, as far as what is/isn't considered acceptable.

What I'm seeing a trend toward is a lot of on offs, where a woman, or man, did a one time thing, and it's coming back to burn. And burn badly.

I would have kept it to myself too, TBH, but destroyed the evidence.

October 12, 2015

I agree. But if you get to know someone deeply, and their morals, it's not hard to figure out that you're on the same page sexually, as far as what is/isn't considered acceptable.

What I'm seeing a trend toward is a lot of on offs, where a woman, or man, did a one time thing, and it's coming back to burn. And burn badly.

I would have kept it to myself too, TBH, but destroyed the evidence.

I think he should talk to her about it but not in a judgmental way; just to get past it.

October 12, 2015

The likelihood of his wife being paid to do this is very slim. Especially if it is one of the two fraternities I'm thinking of. They have no need to pay for sex. From white sorority girls or anybody else. It may be a hard thing for some folks to face, but chances are she and her sorority sisters were there voluntarily. And thoroughly enjoyed themselves ... voluntarily.

I know she was there completely voluntarily. I'm just saying that there may have been some other party favors being exchanged on both sides. She was there for some chocolate. Of that I have no doubt (and neither does the OP) I'm just saying there may have been some other things changing hands as well.

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How do I confront wife about shocking sexual past?

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