Problems keeping female freinds: I need 2 know how to fix problems

[Love2share]

I have a good female friend whom I've known for nearly three years now. Her name is Kema. Usually, it is hard for me to maintain friendships with females. There have been many obstacles in which I've endured to maintain my friendship with Kema.

 

Last year, Kema and I got into an argument over my boyfriend. In the last year, since I broke up with my XBF, I've had a lot more dates with men than Kema has had. She's five years older than me and she is still single. Kema never likes the men I date. She always finds something wrong with them. She particularly didn't like my XBF because his race was different than mine. Kema was very happy when my ex and I broke up.

 

Lately, I've been having problems with my XBF in which I'm still dealing with. Kema accuses me of having done something to make my XBF continue to harrass me. She thinks I still have feelings for him. She suggested that I change my phone number and relocate in order to get rid of him. I refuse to do that. So Kema and I argue about that constantly.

 

Last weekend, I discovered that my first love, who has been incocerated for the past 5 years, will be getting out next month. He had been associating with the wrong crowd when he was arrested and convicted for basically being in the wrong place at the wrong time. His name is Terry. He and I broke up a year before his arrest because my mother thought he was a bad influence on me. But I've been in Three serious relationships in the past 6 years, and none of those men have treated me half as loving and kind as Terry treated me.

 

Terry has been trying to contact me in all this time. Last year, my cousin was also incocerated and ironically assigned to the same prison as Terry, and they are cell mates. When Terry realized his cell mate was related to me, he asked to contact me. My cousin informed me of this and asked how I felt about re-uniting with Terry. So far, I haven't made up my mind. But I really would like to communicate with Terry, after he gets out, at least to have closer for our past relationship if nothing else.

 

When I expressed all this to Kema, she advised me to leave the past in the past. Since Terry has a criminal record, she thinks it is crazy for me to even consider being involved with him again. She said some really insulting things to me that hurt my feelings. She was very upset. When I told her how she'd made me feel, she told me she didn't care. She refused to surpress her opinion just to spare my feelings. We argued about it so bad that she hung up the phone on me. I haven't heard from her in several days.

 

I just don't understand why Kema got so upset over this. She gets upset over everything that happens in my life. She never considers how it makes me feel. The only time she was happy for me is when I broke up with my XBF. It may have been a good thing considering how bad he was to me. But I was still broken hearted over the situation, and it really hurt me that while I was crying over a broken heart, Kema was celebrating over my grief.

 

I guess I would like some advice on how to handle this situation. What am I doing wrong? I don't want to push Kema out of my life they way that I've done other female friends. But I also don't want her to continue treating me badly. Is this problem one that can be worked out? Does it appear as though Kema is jealous of me, or is she genuinely concerned for my well being?

[Debster]

I can't decide whether it is you or Kema that has the issues.

Can you please explain what happened to make you loose your other female friends?

[blind_otter]

I agree with Kema. I got involved with my ex about 2 months after he got out of prison (he was in for almost 7 years).

 

New rule: DON'T DATE EX-CONVICTS.

 

You know what they learn in prison? How to be better criminals. Very VERY VERY VERY few men actually become "reformed" because of the prison system and most of them end up right back in prison. My ex went crazy on me and is now awaiting trial, I expect he will get 15 years, this time.

 

Your friend isn't jealous of you, she's probably worried about you. I always say that I obviously have SH*T taste in men, considering that 3 guys I dated in my past are either in prison or jail (one from a looooong time ago).

 

In any case, full stop. Don't get with the ex-con fresh out of the pen. He'll be all nice for about 6 months tops and go back to doing bad sh*t. Trust me. I know. I've done this a few times.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by Love2share

 

Lately, I've been having problems with my XBF in which I'm still dealing with. Kema accuses me of having done something to make my XBF continue to harrass me. She thinks I still have feelings for him. She suggested that I change my phone number and relocate in order to get rid of him. I refuse to do that. So Kema and I argue about that constantly.

 

Last weekend, I discovered that my first love, who has been incocerated for the past 5 years, will be getting out next month. He had been associating with the wrong crowd when he was arrested and convicted for basically being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Does it appear as though Kema is jealous of me, or is she genuinely concerned for my well being?

 

 

"...he was arrested and convicted for basically being in the wrong place at the wrong time"

 

Oh honey, they all are! The penal system is chock full of wrongly convicted innocent men! Didn't you know that? None of them "did it" they just got a bad prosector.

 

But let's look at what you wrote: You are being harassed by an ex boyfriend. Your friend advises you to break all contact. Two things JUMP out at me there: 1. You haven't made the best choices in boyfriends and 2. Your friend sees a danger here that you do not. Sounds like maybe her jerk radar is a little more finely tuned than yours.

 

Do yourself a favor - listen to what your friend has said. If she was jealous of you, she'd want you out of the dating pool so all the guys would be hers for the taking. Only a really good friend will get in your face and tell you that you are about to dive head first into a pile of crap. BS "friends" and fair-weather acquaintances will just watch and laugh when you splat.

[Love2share]

I can't decide whether it is you or Kema that has the issues.

Can you please explain what happened to make you loose your other female friends?

 

Well, I had one friend while in high school who had sex with my boyfriend. In college, my female roomate had sex with my boyfriend. All during high school, many girls hated me because I was a model and they all said I thought I was better than they were. The truth was, I was actually very, very shy. I didn't talk to people very much. But I NEVER put anyone else down. I was always crying (inside & outside) over the fact that nobody liked me. I don't want any pity here. But despite the fact that I was a model, females always made fun of me. So my self-esteem was not high enough for me to think I was better than anyone.

 

As for the other posters.... you all are advising me to stay away from the ex-con, and my XBF, I get that! But I don't really want advice about them. I haven't even decided rather or not I will contact the ex-con. The problem is with my friend Kema. She got upset over the situation. Was there really a need for her to be so upset that she would turn her back on me? I know that she doesn't have better taste in men than I do. Let me tell you...

 

Remember I told you that Kema disliked my XBF simply because his race was different than mine. That was after I first met him and he had never done anything wrong. Kema and I are the same race.

 

Now that my XBF and I are no longer dating, she has been desparately seeking men who are the exact same race as my XBF. I wondered why she suddenly changed her mind about interacial dating. But I never got angry with her about it. I just encouraged her to be happy. Unfortunately for her, right now, all the men that she has persued outside of her race, they haven't been equally attracted to her. But I've been there for her, offering her support and encouragement.

 

Kema has been dateless for the past year. The men she dated before that were more horrible to her than my XBF had been to me. She actually did express jealousy over the little things that my XBF did to make me happy while he and I were dating. She compared my XBF to the men she dated. She wished her men would do things like that for her. But she still encouraged me to DUMP my man. And she was always upset when I didn't.

 

Eventually, Kema's NO GOOD man dumped her. That's when she became more aggressive towards me, and encouraed me to break up with my XBF. If I take Kema's advice, I will never date anyone else. I just want her to be more supportive of my happiness, not neccesarily my decisions. I would like her to TRY to be understanding of me. Please respond with advice for MY FRIEND. Not my choices of men.

[blind_otter]

From what you have expressed, you don't really like your friend, but seek to continue the relationship because you have no other good female friends - which isn't really a good reason to keep a friend. I wouldn't want to be someone's friend just because they didn't have anyone else.

 

And a person can make mistakes in their personal life and still want their friend to avoid the same thing. My good female friend was in a destructive, unsatisfying relationship, as was I -- and I still advised her to try to get out of her relationship, even while I tried to make mine work. It was stupid, in retrospect, but I was caught up in my own emotional turmoil and wasn't thinking logically.

 

Anyways, if you don't like her, don't be her friend. If she pissed you off about the interracial dating thing, frikkin talk to her about it, don't just sit here pondering why in the abstract. Conversations can clear up a lot of things if both people approach it with openness, acceptance and honesty.

[Love2share]

I guess I understand what you're saying Blind Otter. I need to talk to Kema about this. Well, that's not going to be easy. I tried calling her the other day and her phone was temporarily disconnected. I don't know if she will call me when her phone is turned back on. But I'm not feeling very hopeful that talking to her will do any good. She doesn't seem to care how I feel about anything. Perhaps, she really isn't a good friend afterall. I guess I should just put her out of my life like all the others. I'd rather have no friends, than to have friends who make me feel miserable.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Love2share

I guess I understand what you're saying Blind Otter. I need to talk to Kema about this. Well, that's not going to be easy. I tried calling her the other day and her phone was temporarily disconnected. I don't know if she will call me when her phone is turned back on. But I'm not feeling very hopeful that talking to her will do any good. She doesn't seem to care how I feel about anything. Perhaps, she really isn't a good friend afterall. I guess I should just put her out of my life like all the others. I'd rather have no friends, than to have friends who make me feel miserable.

 

I think that the question might not be - why can't I keep female friends? Maybe the issue is really the type of person that you choose to interact with??

[Love2share]

Yes this could be the issue. But it would be the same issue for all the people I allow into my life. The deeper I evaluate the issue, I wonder if there is something wrong with me.

 

I always see and meet the ideal people that I want to become involved with. I admire them, complement them, and invite them into my life. Unfortunately, they never feel the same way about me. So I end up taking whatever I get. For example:

 

In middle school, I met a girl, Cathy, who befriended me. We were getting along really great. I told her she was my best friend. She was flattered, but assured me that I could never be her best friend because she was already best friends with Susan. I guess I was really desparate or something because I offered to be friends with both of them. I was sure it could work. Cathy presented the idea to Susan, but Susan wasn't cool with that. In fact, she thought I was trying to take Cathy away from her. Susan didn't like me. Cathy had to choose between Susan and me. She apologized to me a lot, but she chose Susan, instead of me.

 

As an adult, every man I've ever truly been attracted to has been really great. They had great morals, and have gone on the have successful lives, families and careers. None of those men have been equally attracted to me. The few men that I am fortunate enough to call my EX's, they are all still in the same positions as they were in when I met them, nowhere. I guess I only dated them because I hadn't been able to get what I truly wanted and felt I deserved.

 

This is soooo crazy. Maybe I need professional help! I would change this if I could. But I don't know how.

[blind_otter]

Desperation is never attractive, you probably know...maybe you are so eager to please when you get into a relationship that it drives the potential friend/partner away? You need to be more confident and sure of yourself. The other stuff will follow, naturally.

[Love2share]

Okay. I've tried that, too. That's when people tell be that I'm conceited, or think too much of myself. Like, since I broke up with my last XBF, I've tried to be strong. I have been more skeptical of the people I associate with. When I see something that I don't like, I speak up about it. And that's how I end up alone. I don't want to come across as being judgemental, or too picky.

 

I admit that I was desparate in middle school with Cathy and Susan. But I haven't been that way since. I mean, not in such an obvious way that it would drive people away. I don't think! I'll give another example to explain this point:

 

I recently met a guy named Daniel. He seems like a pretty cool person. To prevent coming across as desparte, I don't call him very often. And I'm not always available when he calls me. Recently, he assumed that since I wasn't putting forth more effort to communicate with him, I didn't like him very much. I assured him that I liked him. So he has asked me to give him more attention. Slave and beg for him in a desparate way. Well, I refuse to do that. So I guess he will not be in my life much longer, because that's what he wants.

 

Despite my possible desparation, all of my XBF's have accused me of being unattentive to them at some point. That's why I don't know if my desparation is driving them away. Why can't Kema treat me the same way that I treat her? What is wrong with me? Or what is wrong with her?

[blind_otter]

Well there is a difference between acting confident, in a way you think will project that to others, and actually being confident in yourself. You usually can't just magically decide to feel good about yourself. It's a process, especially when you're spent your life kow-towing to others.

 

If they demand an inordinate amout of attention, it's their issue....

[Love2share]

So they have their issues, and they still have friends. On the other hand, I can't worry about thier issues. What are my issues. Why can't I have friends/ lovers?

[blind_otter]

Honey you need to answer that question for yourself. You seem to be pretty confused about a lot of things, and there seem to be similar dynamics in both your friendships and relationships. Do you have unrealistic expectations for what you will get and what you need to give in a relationship?

 

I mean, do you usually just try to be however your friend/partner wants you to be? Do you have clear boundaries and a sense of self?

[Love2share]

I don't know what to expect from any relationship. I just take things as they come. I'm always hoping to meet that female who will be like a sister to me. Love me depsite everything that comes between us. I will love her despite everything. I won't do things intentionally to hurt her, like have sex with her boyfriend. She shouldn't do that same to me either. And she and I will have a lot of things in common. We can laugh together, cry together, and share many things together.

 

As far as who I am, most people describe me as humorous, kind, honest, trustworthy, and confident. Some people I've talked to about this have assured me that I'm a great friend. They are surprised that no one has ever been a great friend to me and I don't have any friends. Unfortunately, those people who think this never step up to be my friend, because they have other friends. I have my own morals and beliefs. I try to understand other people's morals and beliefs, but I never allow them to change my own.

 

It seems that in all this time, I've been wishing to find a person who doesn't already have a best friend, so that they will have space for my friendship. I wish there were a school or something that could teach me how to make and keep friends.