My Wife left me for another man and now she wants to get back to me

[snakebites82]

I am 33 years old. Why wife (33 years) and I were married for 5 years, dated for 4 years and have known each other for 17 years of our life. While we were great friends, we somehow did not live like a married couple, we had physical intimacy issues among others. We are also polar opposites, I am a Finance guy while she is an artist (theater). When we were married, I would show a lot of interest in her things but somehow she rarely reciprocated this. We have no kids.

A few days before our 5th anniversary, she told me that there is someone else in her life and she wants to move on. I even know the guy, he is a divorced 41 year old, also into theater. She said she does not see a future with me and wants to be with someone with whom she has more in common. While I was devastated, I did not want to stop her and we split on good terms. Within 2 months of moving out, she now says that she has realized that she has made a big mistake, is very sorry for having an affair (yes she admits to having an affair, but still claims that her affair was purely emotional and not physical) but now wants to get back to me. I am extremely confused and torn, what do I do?

On one hand, she has always been my friend for pretty much my entire adult life, I still have feelings for her and she now seems genuinely sorry for her mistake. On the other hand, I dont know if I can ever forget what has happened, the fact that she had an affair instead of sorting out things with me (I really begged her to reconsider and go counseling with me before she moved out but she flatly refused). This will always be at the back of my mind. I now have a chance for a fresh start at life, do I take this choice or do I take her back? Its has now been 5 month since we have separated.

I am REALLY confused! I have to decide in less than a month as thats when is the date to make the divorce legal and official.

PLEASE HELP :-(

[i am gutted]

I really don't know what to advise.......I not in a good place to do so but just wanted to say sorry you are going thru this as well......hope you get some good advice from others on here who are wise.

 

 

take care

[snakebites82]

I have never been more torn in my life. I dont know if she wants to get back with me for me or is it because things did not work out with the other guy and now she realizes that she misses the financial stability and comfort I provided...

[buck3200]

Sounds to me like your relationship wasn't all that good to begin with. I'm big into second chances when a great RS breaks due to a sudden bad act but......

[CarrieT]

Don't be her back-up plan.

 

She strayed, it didn't work out, and you will never really be able to forget what she did.

 

And the bit about it being just emotional? Total Bullshyt.

 

Seriously... she went to the extent of ending a marriage and moving out for something that was just emotional which didn't involve ANY sex?

 

No way do I believe that. She found out that the Grass Wasn't Greener, but it can be for you. Find someone who shares your interests and will be a complement to your life.

[snakebites82]

Sounds to me like your relationship wasn't all that good to begin with. I'm big into second chances when a great RS breaks due to a sudden bad act but......

You are right, we had other issues as well but nothing that could not have been resolved through conversation and counseling. She keeps using this fact that our marriage was on the rocks to justify what she did.

[kgcolonel]

Is there any way you can stall the divorce? If you can, do that, and then go to marriage counseling. You also might want to identify your triggers as to the importance of the Physical portion of the affair. If this is a component you may not be able to recover from, you need to get the facts as to whether or not she is being truthful with you.

 

A good MC will be able to help you both determine the why she left as in what was missing from the M before and what she thinks will be different going back.

[snakebites82]

Don't be her back-up plan.

 

She strayed, it didn't work out, and you will never really be able to forget what she did.

 

And the bit about it being just emotional? Total Bullshyt.

 

Seriously... she went to the extent of ending a marriage and moving out for something that was just emotional which didn't involve ANY sex?

 

No way do I believe that. She found out that the Grass Wasn't Greener, but it can be for you. Find someone who shares your interests and will be a complement to your life.

Thank you for the frank assessment CarrieT.

You are right, I dont believe for one second that there wasn't any SEX involved.

Yet somehow there is a little shrill voice in me that asks me to give this another shot. Is it because I am weak and vulnerable right now? Why is this so hard?

[kgcolonel]

On additional thought, you can talk with her and let her know that you want a fresh start.....maybe with her but to do that you want to start from square one. That means a divorce and then seeing where the two of you go in a "new" relationship as in dating, engagement and possibly re-marriage.

[snakebites82]

Is there any way you can stall the divorce? If you can, do that, and then go to marriage counseling. You also might want to identify your triggers as to the importance of the Physical portion of the affair. If this is a component you may not be able to recover from, you need to get the facts as to whether or not she is being truthful with you.

 

A good MC will be able to help you both determine the why she left as in what was missing from the M before and what she thinks will be different going back.

Thank you kgcolonel. I can check with my lawyer if stalling the divorce is possible, I would imagine it is but as per Indian laws, but I will have to check.

[snakebites82]

On additional thought, you can talk with her and let her know that you want a fresh start.....maybe with her but to do that you want to start from square one. That means a divorce and then seeing where the two of you go in a "new" relationship as in dating, engagement and possibly re-marriage.

This is an interesting idea. But do you think getting a divorce will make any difference to how I feel about what she did? Am i missing something here?

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for the frank assessment CarrieT.

You are right, I dont believe for one second that there wasn't any SEX involved.

Yet somehow there is a little shrill voice in me that asks me to give this another shot. Is it because I am weak and vulnerable right now? Why is this so hard?

 

Yes, it's because you're weak and vulnerable right now. You've experienced a pretty rough rejection and in a pretty disrespectful fashion. Affairs do a pretty big number on a person's ego. So, your ego would like to do some damage control and getting back with her feels like you're putting the pieces of your life back together again. It's normal.

 

But like the other posters, I don't think it's wise. As carrie wisely mentioned, you'd be accepting that you were her back-up plan. That won't bode well for your self-esteem. And if she left you just because your marriage was on the rocks, well, it's been pretty well smashed up by the rocks now. So, should you be expecting another affair with another guy sometime soon? She clearly doesn't get it that SHE chose to have an affair. It didn't happen to her; she's not the victim of it. She had other more logical, ethical, respectful, healthy, and moral ways to repair her struggling marriage. She didn't choose any of those or even give them a chance when you kindly offered them. Her affair has nothing to do with you or your marriage; it has everything to do with her choice to have an affair. Until she "gets" that (and stops making poor excuses), she hasn't learned anything and you'd be foolish to reengage with her.

 

Let her live with the natural consequences of her actions. Start a fresh life for yourself, particularly since the marriage with her wasn't great for you to begin with. Use your head, not your emotions. This marriage has run its course. If you want to maintain a friendship with her after the divorce, that's entirely up to you.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Bad marriage + cheating = done for good. Tell her sorry but she opened your eyes & you won't be in a one sided relationship again. Do you want a real relationship or a roomie with bennies?

[snakebites82]

Yes, it's because you're weak and vulnerable right now. You've experienced a pretty rough rejection and in a pretty disrespectful fashion. Affairs do a pretty big number on a person's ego. So, your ego would like to do some damage control and getting back with her feels like you're putting the pieces of your life back together again. It's normal.

 

But like the other posters, I don't think it's wise. As carrie wisely mentioned, you'd be accepting that you were her back-up plan. That won't bode well for your self-esteem. And if she left you just because your marriage was on the rocks, well, it's been pretty well smashed up by the rocks now. So, should you be expecting another affair with another guy sometime soon? She clearly doesn't get it that SHE chose to have an affair. It didn't happen to her; she's not the victim of it. She had other more logical, ethical, respectful, healthy, and moral ways to repair her struggling marriage. She didn't choose any of those or even give them a chance when you kindly offered them. Her affair has nothing to do with you or your marriage; it has everything to do with her choice to have an affair. Until she "gets" that (and stops making poor excuses), she hasn't learned anything and you'd be foolish to reengage with her.

 

Let her live with the natural consequences of her actions. Start a fresh life for yourself, particularly since the marriage with her wasn't great for you to begin with. Use your head, not your emotions. This marriage has run its course. If you want to maintain a friendship with her after the divorce, that's entirely up to you.

BetrayedH - you have absolutely hit the nail on the head! Thanks a lot for your detailed repsonse, its very helpful. I guess I need to really be strong now and not let her use my vulnerabilities. I guess have to hold on for the next few weeks until I get that damn divorce!

[snakebites82]

Bad marriage + cheating = done for good. Tell her sorry but she opened your eyes & you won't be in a one sided relationship again. Do you want a real relationship or a roomie with bennies?

Thank you Clarence, I guess the most difficult part of this is letting go! So many good memories, never thought she would do this to me, never thought it would end this way!

[qubist]

Snakebite 82: I'm a big supporter of second chances but there are conditions that have to be met in order for you to consider that. do not do it just because you are dependent on her emotional.

the fact is that she threw your marriage out when another man showed her something that was missing, just to realize that the grass in the other side is not as green as it looked. some women take the risk of testing the waters outside if they feel that their husbands are week knowing that they could string them and get back to them.

If you can just move on it would be better for you considering that you are still young, no kids involved and your marriage is fairly short. but if you somehow decide to try again I have to warn you that it would be a hard and challenging work. she will have to convince you that you are not plan B in fact you shouldn't even be a plan A because you should be the only plan with no other choices. we can talk more about what both of you need to do to R if you chose to but if I were you I would just go on with divorce

[Tayla]

Counseling needs to be a one time offer, she declined. Let the marriage decline.

 

The funny thing about the future is...it also has opportunities of good memories...Just not with her. Either cling to the past or forge ahead.

 

Most times when they pack up and walk out, the door needs to shut in that moment, not be a revolving door.

[bubbaganoosh]

Do you know what "Plan B" is? She found out that the guy she left you for wasn't up to her standards because like most affairs, everyone shows their best side to get what they want and after the warts and scars start to show. That's what happened here so ask yourself if you want to be nothing but a back up plan to her and what guarantee that it wont happen again when the next "artist" shows up.

 

There has to be trust to make a marriage work and she broke that trust so what does your gut feeling tell you? Do you feel like you can trust her enough that she wont pull another stunt like this one?

 

I would think real hard on this. You could be asking for more trouble down the road so go with your gut because most of the time it's right.

[ralfgarnett]

I say go for it but with conditions, for example don't have her move back in for some considerable time, you both live apart and start dating again as you did before you were married and try to make a re-connection you will know if this is working or not, if the dating works out then maybe you could progress the relationship to another level and so on, but just take it slowly I believe if its meant to be then it will be, whatever you decide good luck I wish you well.

[lolablue17]

You need to consider it very carefully and logically.

I think that it is crucial that you finalize the divorce first and only then be ready to think about your future. Why?

 

1. Because if you want to reconcile, you want to do it for the right reasons. The wrong reasons are to do it while you're weak, or doing it in a hurry (in 1 month), ect...

 

2. She is unstable now. She left you, regrets after few month, she says she had nothing physical with him? :rolleyes:, it also points that she isn't stable. So even if she thinks now she knows what she wants, she has to prove it and pass some tests...

 

One test is to divorce while realizing that her decisions has consequences. I can see a scenario which she sees that you are determine about the divorce, and understands that she has to make lots of efforts to win you back, so she will give up on you. Maybe she wants you only if it's easy to win you back.

 

You must let her go through a process, a Via Dolorosa, in order to win you back, That is the only way you can assure (until some level, not 100%) that she is totally into you.

Edited October 12, 2015 by lolablue17

[bigman1]

Get the divorce finalized. No need to slow that up. All of the property divisions settled, money squared away, etc. Don't ever stop this close to the end.

 

Next, if you want to get back together, you can do it after the divorce is final. Which takes me back to point one, get the divorce finalized.

 

Thirdly, getting back with a woman you described as your "polar opposite" who "cheated" on you and had been separated from you for months and are on the cusp of a final divorce decree, would be foolish. Get it finalized.

 

Fourth, are you kidding me?! Are you really confused on what to do in this situation? Strategically, calling it off could only help her, in case she suddenly realizes that she really doesn't want to be with you after all. Individually, your wife left you for another man. If you want to play Charlie Brown to her Lucy and hope that she does not pull the football away, go ahead.

 

Just divorce, cut ties, live separate and NC for 6 months and see where it goes. I bet she moves on, because she was always going to do that. Hopefully, you move on because you should.

[whichwayisup]

I have never been more torn in my life. I dont know if she wants to get back with me for me or is it because things did not work out with the other guy and now she realizes that she misses the financial stability and comfort I provided...

 

Put the divorce on hold and do NOT I repeat DO NOT let her move back in. She needs to prove to you that she's worthy of a second chance. She needs to do counseling on her own and sort herself out. You should go too, it'll help to have a professional to talk to about her affair and how much pain she's caused you.

[whichwayisup]

You are right, we had other issues as well but nothing that could not have been resolved through conversation and counseling. She keeps using this fact that our marriage was on the rocks to justify what she did.

 

Reading this, she's NO WHERE ready to own what she's done and if she was genuinely and deeply sorry for what she's done to you, she would do move heaven and earth to fix herself and make you give her a second chance. She basically 'tried' out another relationship, it failed (aka she woke up and realized what life would be like without you in it)and ran back to you. The more I read, the more I see she's a scared little girl and you're her security blanket. She chose to cheat. She can't blame marital issues or you for that! That's all on her.

[LostOnes05]

Tell her bye! You're 33 and have a chance at a fresh start...take it! She made her choice when she left.

[snakebites82]

Snakebite 82: I'm a big supporter of second chances but there are conditions that have to be met in order for you to consider that. do not do it just because you are dependent on her emotional.

the fact is that she threw your marriage out when another man showed her something that was missing, just to realize that the grass in the other side is not as green as it looked. some women take the risk of testing the waters outside if they feel that their husbands are week knowing that they could string them and get back to them.

If you can just move on it would be better for you considering that you are still young, no kids involved and your marriage is fairly short. but if you somehow decide to try again I have to warn you that it would be a hard and challenging work. she will have to convince you that you are not plan B in fact you shouldn't even be a plan A because you should be the only plan with no other choices. we can talk more about what both of you need to do to R if you chose to but if I were you I would just go on with divorce

Thank you for the detailed reply. As of now, I feel she has not done enough to convince me that she really wants to get back to me for me and not for other reasons. So yes, I still feel I am plan B. I agree, in this case it seems best that I go for the divorce rather than deal with more heart ache.