skatechick2290 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 so I just typed for like two hours and this site decided to log me out and delete everything I'd written. abridged version: I feel like my husband puts these friends before me. I feel like they are a bad influence on him bc he's changed in the way he sees me and acts towards me after become friends with them. just tonight, I asked him to come home from their house so we could have a lazy Sunday together since it's been a very long time since we've had one bc of conflicting work schedules. he said he was hanging out with them, but he wouldn't be too long (four hours later...) and that It wasn't like he'd asked for me to get off work early. i was so excited to get off work early, but I spent my lazy Sunday watching netflix and crying instead of cuddling and talking. I was extremely hurt by that, but it's really just the culmination of the last couple of years since he's been friends with them. I also suppose I'm upset because before we were together, we were best friends and had maintained that friendship well until these guys came into the picture. I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm hoping to get, or what, but I just really needed a place to express my feelings since I've said this too him before and I just don't feel like he hears it. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You live with your husband and see him every day. Him going to his buddies house on Sunday to hang out and watch football isn't really something to cry and re evaluate your marriage over is it? How often do you see your husband throughout the week? Do you have dinner together? Sleep together? How often does he see his friends and how long is he with them typically? It's not healthy for a couple to only want to hang out with one another and alienate their other friends. Do you have a group or a couple friends that you are able to hang out with or is your husband your outlet for social interaction and bonding? I'm not saying your husband can't or shouldn't be your best friend.. That's what you should feel, but you also need to be able to have your own individual friendships where you can interact. Did he know you were getting out of work early yesterday or was it a last minute decision that happened today? If you were just expecting him to see that you texted and wanted him to drop what he was doing and come home to sit around with you then that's a little unreasonable don't you think? Just picture him with his guys friends getting your call and then he hangs up and has to say "sorry my wife left work early so she wants me to come home, I gotta go". That comes off pretty whipped. You can talk to him and say that you would've appreciated it if he had come home within an hour or two instead of 4 hours later. But if you see him every day then he's entitled to socialize outside the home without being made to feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
htmshsj Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 so I just typed for like two hours and this site decided to log me out and delete everything I'd written. abridged version: I feel like my husband puts these friends before me. I feel like they are a bad influence on him bc he's changed in the way he sees me and acts towards me after become friends with them. just tonight, I asked him to come home from their house so we could have a lazy Sunday together since it's been a very long time since we've had one bc of conflicting work schedules. he said he was hanging out with them, but he wouldn't be too long (four hours later...) and that It wasn't like he'd asked for me to get off work early. i was so excited to get off work early, but I spent my lazy Sunday watching netflix and crying instead of cuddling and talking. I was extremely hurt by that, but it's really just the culmination of the last couple of years since he's been friends with them. I also suppose I'm upset because before we were together, we were best friends and had maintained that friendship well until these guys came into the picture. I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm hoping to get, or what, but I just really needed a place to express my feelings since I've said this too him before and I just don't feel like he hears it. You sound like you're extremely needy and controlling. Asking him to change his plans at a moments notice and then sulking around like a sad little girl when he doesn't instantly comply isn't going to help your marriage. When he got home did you give him the silent treatment or play the "guess why I'm pissed off again" game? If you did, you might be the crazy wife that is angry and upset every...single...time... her husband comes home because YOU BASTARD YOU LEFT ME AGAIN HOW COULD YOU I HATE YOU. Strangely, this may lead him to spending even more time away from home. I'm guessing you're kind of young. If you want more time with him, plan ahead and communicate. If he is constantly breaking plans with you at the last minute, that's a little different. Having a variety of people in one's life besides the significant other is normal and doesn't necessarily represent a threat to the relationship. If you constantly treat these other friendships as threats or feel like you need to police or "approve" them, you will become a constant source of negativity for him and end up sinking your relationship in the toilet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Okay...I'm not going to be harsh if he already had the plans to be with friends..leave him to it. It's not right to expect him to drop them. Me being who I am...if I really wanted my husband to come back quick.......well I have a secret weapon of sexy lingerie and all that goes with it and he'd have been back in a flash. Why not plan stuff to do together in advance. So plan a movie. Try and do a regular date night. I do with my husband and it's really good. We take turns to plan what to do and just ensure the night is free. So I'll say keep the 8th of July free and make plans. Next couple of weeks or month, it's his turn. Other times, we do what we want. If he doesn't show interest in spending any time together...then you have a problem. It's healthy to spend time apart as well. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Especially if he's an NFL fan & you expected him to come home to watch something that wasn't football, on some level I can understand why he stayed with the guys. However, 4 hour is a long time to make you wait. I suggest talking to him about the miscommunications, your expectations & together work up a plan to avoid a repeat Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 so I just typed for like two hours and this site decided to log me out and delete everything I'd written. abridged version: I feel like my husband puts these friends before me. I feel like they are a bad influence on him bc he's changed in the way he sees me and acts towards me after become friends with them. just tonight, I asked him to come home from their house so we could have a lazy Sunday together since it's been a very long time since we've had one bc of conflicting work schedules. he said he was hanging out with them, but he wouldn't be too long (four hours later...) and that It wasn't like he'd asked for me to get off work early. i was so excited to get off work early, but I spent my lazy Sunday watching netflix and crying instead of cuddling and talking. I was extremely hurt by that, but it's really just the culmination of the last couple of years since he's been friends with them. I also suppose I'm upset because before we were together, we were best friends and had maintained that friendship well until these guys came into the picture. I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm hoping to get, or what, but I just really needed a place to express my feelings since I've said this too him before and I just don't feel like he hears it. I am not a big believer in girls and boys night out. Especially if one of the spouses does not want it to happen. Your spouse comes first...period. Now...that means if you put your spouses needs first....and he puts your needs first...you both will be sensitive to the feelings of the other one. If you don't like your husband spending time with his friends...then you should tell him....but you should also understand that this goes both ways. There is a great deal of compromise here that can be done. You could invite his friends to your home...including significant others....and make it a sports party. Or you could all go to a sports bar spouses included..... There are all kinds of ways to allow him to watch the game with his male friends..but you are still involved. If you want to spend time alone with him...then tell him.... I do suspect there are some deeper issues involved here....lack of compromise...lack of respect and lack of communication...are three that quickly come to mind. Coming here to vent is good...but the person you need to tell this to is your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 OP, Could you tell us more about how his friends are "bad influences" on him? That might change the conversation a bit, because now all we have is a guy who was hanging out (probably watching football) with buddies and a wife who wants him to come home on short notice. That is a total stereotype of how needy wives/girlfriends are thought to act. I mean seriously, if my wife is out doing one of those painting things with a girlfriend do you really think I'm going to call her up and ask her to cut her plans short and come home? I'd be called "controlling" or worse. Let him have his space. Now if it gets to the point where he spends more time with them than with you, yes there is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 his friends are ruining our marriage Since you don't give much context, hard to tell if your concerns pass the reasonable man/woman test. But unless the friends are detaining your husband at gunpoint, it's not them that are "ruining" your marriage. As always, honest and open communication - in advance of Sunday, in this case - helps establish both your expectations for the day. If you want to do something with him, make a plan and let him know. Asking him to come from somewhere else isn't the same thing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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