Slashed and stabbed while sleeping

[Craig]

Some of you are aware that I've been in an abusive relationship, I moved out about 2 months ago and have been going to counselling and a support group for survivors of domestic violence. I would hope that this posting might help someone out there understand that they are not alone, that there is help available and this kind of thing can happen to anyone of any gender.

 

Last night one of the guys in the group comes in with a big bandage on his hand. It turns out that he woke up around 3:30 am to find his wife on top of him trying to stab and slash him with a kitchen knife. His hand sustained a huge slash, is all f*cked up and some fingers don't work. He was also stabbed in the stomach but didn't know it until he got to the hospital and someone else noticed the blood and another hole in him.

 

This is the second time this year his wife assaulted him. The first time she attacked him he called the police but before they got there she punched herself in the eye to make it look like he attacked her too. They were both arrested that time. For that incident she was ordered to attend counselling for abusers and he was ordered to attend counselling for victims/survivors of domestic violence. In this second incident he ran out of the house as soon as the violence started and drove himself to the hospital. She's been in jail ever since that night. The word is that she might get a year in jail for this second offense in as many months.

 

He has already moved out, is not going back to her and will be seeking sole custody of their 5 month old son.

 

There are 9 guys in the group (the first group for men in this area) and in 5 cases the wife was arrested once for domestic violence, in 3 cases the wife was arrested twice for domestic violence and in one case the wife was arrested for assaulting a child.

 

Here is the kinds of physical violence experienced by the guys in the group at the hands of their wives.

1. One guy was shot 14 times by his wife and has the scars to show for it. (Wife arrested once)

2. One guy was stabbed and slashed with a knife. (Wife arrested twice)

3. One guy was attacked with a crow bar and a knife. (Wife arrested twice)

4. The other guys were punched, kicked, scratched , had things thrown at them or were chased down by the wife with a car.

5. The child in question was beaten so severely by the wife that his face was black and blue and swollen. In this case the beating of the child by the wife had occurred in the past but no one would believe the husband until there was enough evidence.

 

What kinds of people are in the group? The full range. From 24 to 86, a former gang member to rich white collar guy, high school drop out to an Engineer with Lockheed. Physical attributes - kind of frail to very in shape and one of the guys is a licensed body guard and martial arts/self defense instructor.

[Debster]

I had no idea you were in an abusive relationship.

I applaud your courage for getting out and for seeking help to deal with the feelings associated with being abused.

 

Thanks for the reminder that abusers can come in all shapes, sizes, sexes and ethnic backgrounds.

[FolderWife]

I'm so glad that you got out when you could. And I'm glad your friend's wife didn't do MORE damage before he got away

[New_Wife]

Any human being taking their agressions out on another like that sickens me. We had a gender-issue rape in our family growing up - I empathize with your social acceptance. The male in question had a lot of added guilt because "guys are supposed to want it all the time" etc.

 

Take care of yourself!

[moimeme]

It's horrible that any human can do such damage to any other human.

[Jennifer'sSecret]

Take care of yourself, Craig! I admire your courage and strength.

[XNemesisX]

Ugh...that is TERRIBLE.

 

I'm so sorry Craig that you went through that.

 

It's funny because not too long ago I saw an Oprah aftershow talking about the lady who ran over her husband in the parking lot of the hotel he was at with his mistress. Everyone sympathized (including me) with Claire (the wife). One of the men in the audience stood up and said how it would be different if a man had killed his wife and not the other way around. Made me think...because I usually do sympathize with the women who killed their husbands or harmed them (like Lorraina Bobbitt) if the man was abusive or cheated on them..I can see where their rage came from after being in an abusive relationship myself where my SO cheated on me also. (It can lead to major rage, just have to learn to control your emotions better).

 

Do you know why these women were like this? Did the husbands cheat or was it for no reason? You know, I think most men who become victims of domestic violence just don't want to hit the woman back. I'm sure that all of you were physically stronger than the wife but would never hit a woman because of being a gentleman. That, or the woman was so crazy that she would have put the man in jail even if he was just defending myself...

 

But you are right. We should never think domestic violence only happens to women. It can surely happen to men as well....

[Craig]

XNem, you raise some very good questions regarding how men that are abused treat their wives/girl friends.

 

This last week, in the group, we did discuss similarities between ourselves. So far except for the details of each case of abuse or violence our stories are very similar. I can say that for our group the only men allowed in by the Domestic Violence Agency that runs it are those that have not abused their SO's back.

 

Do you know why these women were like this?

No, but it is my understanding that in many cases the abusive woman will have personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In my group all of the member say their SO's have at least 2 distinct personalities. We aren't talking about simple mood swings but drastic personality changes together with a dramatic change in physical appearance, gait, speech and voice that can last for a few days or a few weeks.

 

Did the husbands cheat or was it for no reason?

To the best of my knowledge regarding the other members there was no reason for the abuse and they did not cheat. I did not cheat and there was no reason for the abuse. Having no reason for the abuse makes the situation even more confusing.

 

You know, I think most men who become victims of domestic violence just don't want to hit the woman back. I'm sure that all of you were physically stronger than the wife but would never hit a woman because of being a gentleman.

 

We've discussed this and in our group the thought of hitting back in these situations just doesn't cross our minds. We would protect ourselves but not strike a woman (or even a man.)

 

Some of us are stronger than our SO's and a couple of us have the unfortunate ability to do terrible physical harm to a human body. I can report that none of us, to the best of my knowledge, has ever had to or resorted to physically harming another person (outside of a controlled environment.)

 

As for myself and the licensed body guard we both share an intense dislike for ever having to use our skills on another person outside of a controlled environment. In the instances where we have chosen to protect other people we did not use any of our physical skills and were able to diffuse the situation using words or very gentle restraining. We believe it is better to look like chickens than, in an instant, severely injure another person (perhaps for life).

 

That, or the woman was so crazy that she would have put the man in jail even if he was just defending myself...

I don't think any of us have thought about meeting physical aggression with physical aggression. When the abuse starts it is such a shock, it is confusing, we search for answers and solutions but find none. As time goes on and the abuse continues we do think about defending physically but conclude that it would do more harm than good to everyone.

 

Overall, I think we are guys that took the "or worse" part seriously when we got married and it is difficult for us to back out of a commitment. What seems to make it easier to get out of an abusive relationship is a realization that our SO's either consciously or unconsciously misrepresented who they truly are. We don't have the memory of a relationship that was good at one point in time but a memory of having a relationship that never was the way it seemed because the person we fell in love with never really existed.

[Fun2BMe]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I usually do sympathize with the women who killed their husbands or harmed them (like Lorraina Bobbitt) if the man was abusive or cheated on them..I can see where their rage came from after being in an abusive relationship myself where my SO cheated on me also. (It can lead to major rage, just have to learn to control your emotions better).

I've felt rage like Lorraine Bobbitt on a cheating boyfriend and if I was just a little crazy or had the guts, I would've sliced off my bf's dick too.

 

I think cases have to be looked at individually and I sympathize women who have to deal with cheating a-holes. And if a man returns to a woman who abuses him, then he is a little crazy like she is and it is hard to feel sorry for either one of them.

[faux]

Originally posted by Craig

Here is the kinds of physical violence experienced by the guys in the group at the hands of their wives.

1. One guy was shot 14 times by his wife and has the scars to show for it. (Wife arrested once)

2. One guy was stabbed and slashed with a knife. (Wife arrested twice)

3. One guy was attacked with a crow bar and a knife. (Wife arrested twice)

4. The other guys were punched, kicked, scratched , had things thrown at them or were chased down by the wife with a car.

5. The child in question was beaten so severely by the wife that his face was black and blue and swollen. In this case the beating of the child by the wife had occurred in the past but no one would believe the husband until there was enough evidence.

 

This is very frightening information. Amazing how these women could get away with carrying out such horrible acts of violence, and only get what seems to be a slap on the wrist. Amazing how law enforcement will rush to the aid of a woman's unfounded claims, yet any man in a similar situation needs to first prove his case. Things need to change, but will they?

 

I find it even more frightening that people are willing to justify these actions if there was cheating involved. This makes no sense to me.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by faux

I find it even more frightening that people are willing to justify these actions if there was cheating involved. This makes no sense to me.

 

It's not that I think these actions are *justified* but that they can be empathized with. I mean, fortunately most of us have enough self-control not to kill someone when we get angry at them. But I can certainly see how someone could become so absolutely enraged at someone and in the heat of the moment really hurt the person. I think a lot of people can at least empathize...even though they would never do that personally.

 

Take the case of the woman who ran over her husband. He REPEATEDLY cheated on her, then they decided to work out their problems. He asked his wife if he could at least say goodbye to the mistress in person. She agreed so long as she could accompany him. She sat out in the car while he was at the hotel telling her "goodbye" supposedly. Well, she sees them walking out HOLDING HANDS. I guess she just lost it. I'm sure this wasn't premeditated. She made a mistake, and it was in the heat of passion.

 

It is kind of hard (as awful as this sounds) to really sympathize with the victim here, because he was a low down scumbag piece of shyt. He didn't deserve death, of course....but well, I just think a lot of women especially, can relate to the feeling of rage at being cheated on and betrayed like that. Especially when you have been married to the person for YEARS and be stabbed in the back like this by your spouse. I think that more than anything, it's the realization of the broken dream.

 

Idk...

[CurlyIam]

One question to you, Craig, about the man who got slashed: why did he come back to her after the first attack? This is what I cannot understand. IT's beyond me.

 

What made him come back? what made you stay?

 

This is beyond me.

 

As far as cheating goes, nothing is forever. And nothing EVER justifies phisical violence.

 

Emotional violence, however, it's much much more difficult to diagnose - remember that I've asked you once about that. Yes, as far as emotional abuse is concerned, it is more difficult to identify it, it's a game of guilt, submission and attachement.

 

But phisical violence... that guy in your group is lucky to be alive, his wife is a total fruitcake.

[moimeme]

I think a lot of people can at least empathize

 

So do you empathize with men who beat women up too?

One question to you, Craig, about the man who got slashed: why did he come back to her after the first attack? This is what I cannot understand. IT's beyond me.

 

What made him come back? what made you stay?

 

Not speaking for Craig but from my own situation; abusers are not 100% bad. Think Jekyll and Hyde. You wouldn't fall for someone in the first place if s/he is all bad. Rather, you first learn and care about all the good things and then the bad comes out. And it's so surreal when it happens that you half can't even believe it happened. It's so contrary to what you initially believed of the person that it seems an aberration. In the light of day, when it's over, the nice person you like and care about and even have fun with is back and you think to yourself that it must have been something unusual. Of course, the abuser apologizes and swears to never do it again and you want to believe because, after all, this person can be very good to you.

 

Too, many of these people have had horrible lives and are, when they're not being abusive, very touching sorts of folks who badly need love and care. Some people stay with them thinking they can help them. Others (like my ex - ADD guy who was himself a victim of abuse) have zero self worth and are told by the abusers 'you're so worthless nobody else will ever want you' - and they believe it.

 

Others stay for one of two reasons; either they get into the Stockholm Syndrome where you stay out of fear and try to appease the abuser or else they keep thinking and hoping that s/he really does intend to change and if they leave, they'll miss out on the new improved person. Trouble is, they just about never do change because they can't.

 

I got out. I'd read enough about this stuff to realize that it would only get worse and, thankfully, I wasn't damaged much at all but I realized if I stayed I would be. But ours wasn't a long long relationship and my instincts had been on red alert for some time so I was prepared to go. What it did for me was give me insight into how anybody can get hooked into such a relationship and why it can be difficult for them to leave.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by moimeme

Not speaking for Craig but from my own situation; abusers are not 100% bad. Think Jekyll and Hyde. You wouldn't fall for someone in the first place if s/he is all bad. Rather, you first learn and care about all the good things and then the bad comes out. And it's so surreal when it happens that you half can't even believe it happened. It's so contrary to what you initially believed of the person that it seems an aberration. In the light of day, when it's over, the nice person you like and care about and even have fun with is back and you think to yourself that it must have been something unusual. Of course, the abuser apologizes and swears to never do it again and you want to believe because, after all, this person can be very good to you.

 

Too, many of these people have had horrible lives and are, when they're not being abusive, very touching sorts of folks who badly need love and care. Some people stay with them thinking they can help them. Others (like my ex - ADD guy who was himself a victim of abuse) have zero self worth and are told by the abusers 'you're so worthless nobody else will ever want you' - and they believe it.

 

Others stay for one of two reasons; either they get into the Stockholm Syndrome where you stay out of fear and try to appease the abuser or else they keep thinking and hoping that s/he really does intend to change and if they leave, they'll miss out on the new improved person. Trouble is, they just about never do change because they can't.

 

I got out. I'd read enough about this stuff to realize that it would only get worse and, thankfully, I wasn't damaged much at all but I realized if I stayed I would be. But ours wasn't a long long relationship and my instincts had been on red alert for some time so I was prepared to go. What it did for me was give me insight into how anybody can get hooked into such a relationship and why it can be difficult for them to leave.

 

Yep, well said.

 

I was in a very abusive relationship (actually the last one). I can tell you, it is MUCH easier said than done at getting out of these relationships. Basically everything moi said are reasons why someone will stick around. I remember thinking it was like a dream when he would go into rages and hit me. It just couldn't be him! I didn't want to leave either, because like moi said I was afraid I might miss out on the "new improved person" that I thought he could someday be.....

[moimeme]

I remember thinking it was like a dream when he would go into rages and hit me. It just couldn't be him!

 

I really want to highlight that because it is hard to imagine how surreal it all is when this happens. And I doubt it's possible to convey to anyone who hasn't been in the situation which is why, silly as it may sound, I'm glad it happened to me because I understand now.

[Fun2BMe]

Originally posted by moimeme

Others stay for one of two reasons; either they get into the Stockholm Syndrome where you stay out of fear and try to appease the abuser or else they keep thinking and hoping that s/he really does intend to change and if they leave, they'll miss out on the new improved person.

If someone hits/abuses me, then even if they "change" I would still never ever want to be near the "new improved person." I won't miss out on anything but being around someone who at one time didn't care enough about me to not abuse me.

 

The real reason "victims" stay is because they like to feel sorry for themselves, they like their SO to feel guilty and feel sorry for them and they like for others to feel sorry for them, maybe for the attention. They are weak characters who may not have had attention in the past and now everyone feels for them and wants to help them.

 

I think they need as much psychiatric help, if not more, than the abusers because it is not normal, self-preseving behavior to put yourself in the presence of someone who abuses you, for whatever the so-called (and in my opinion pathetic) excuses are. Most of the victims themselves are manipulative and to make up for the abuse, get a lot more back from the abusers than someone in a normal relationship offers.

 

The abuser fears his victim will either leave him, report him and has some guilt too depending on how manipulative the victim is, and will shower their victim with extra attention, apologies, gifts, sex, sweetness. Then when he abuses, the victim waits for the reward period, they are willing to go through the pain for experiencing the rewards. I really have no pitty for either party involved, except for the women who have been cheated on.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

I really want to highlight that because it is hard to imagine how surreal it all is when this happens. And I doubt it's possible to convey to anyone who hasn't been in the situation which is why, silly as it may sound, I'm glad it happened to me because I understand now.

 

I'm under no situation judging that. I can't be, because I haven't been there. However, moi... that woman smashed her own face and said he did it. That is surreal! I cannot help that whatever followed afterwards is partly his fault for staying.

 

I imagine that there are signs before, that at one point there is a click, an event that makes you get the whole picture. And if you're not leaving after that... whatever happens comes as no surprise. Right?

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by Fun2BMe

If someone hits/abuses me, then even if they "change" I would still never ever want to be near the "new improved person." I won't miss out on anything but being around someone who at one time didn't care enough about me to not abuse me.

 

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Have you ever fallen in love with somebody and later found yourself with a person who has become a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde? Unless you have experienced this yourself, you don't really understand. Love is hard to shut off like a light switch, you know. Before I found myself in an abusive relationship, I never EVER thought I would stay with someone like that. UNTIL I found myself in that kind of situation.

 

The real reason "victims" stay is because they like to feel sorry for themselves, they like their SO to feel guilty and feel sorry for them and they like for others to feel sorry for them, maybe for the attention. They are weak characters who may not have had attention in the past and now everyone feels for them and wants to help them.

 

Gimme a break! That is pretty pitiful you think you know the "real reason"...like I said, have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If you haven't, then how do you even know what you would do? You never know until faced with that situation. Oh, and most people who are abused don't tell ANYONE. They are embarrassed, ashamed...I can't believe you actually think that "victims" stay because they like to feel sorry for themselves! Are you being serious??

 

I think they need as much psychiatric help, if not more, than the abusers because it is not normal, self-preseving behavior to put yourself in the presence of someone who abuses you, for whatever the so-called (and in my opinion pathetic) excuses are. Most of the victims themselves are manipulative and to make up for the abuse, get a lot more back from the abusers than someone in a normal relationship offers.

 

The abuser fears his victim will either leave him, report him and has some guilt too depending on how manipulative the victim is, and will shower their victim with extra attention, apologies, gifts, sex, sweetness. Then when he abuses, the victim waits for the reward period, they are willing to go through the pain for experiencing the rewards. I really have no pitty for either party involved, except for the women who have been cheated on.

 

Wow.

I like how you said "depending on how manipulative the VICTIM is"

Obviously, you have never been around someone abusive before have you?

I'm going to let Moi take over from here...

I really am speechless.

[moimeme]

Before I found myself in an abusive relationship, I never EVER thought I would stay with someone like that. UNTIL I found myself in that kind of situation.

 

Precisely. And the opinions expressed by people who haven't been in such situations demonstrate EXACTLY why women and men are stigmatized to this day for being in these relationships.

 

Curly and Fun2Bme, you literally have zero idea of what you're talking about. Go read up on the psychology of these relationships someday. Go to a victims of domestic violence website and do some learning. Your assumptions are just that - uneducated assumptions based on no fact. This is why 'opinions' can be so dangerous when they are not supported by facts.

[CurlyIam]

Please take the time to actually read my post before putting me in the same label as the other poster. I have made zero generalisation and zero statements about that.

[Craig]

Originally posted by faux

This is very frightening information. Amazing how these women could get away with carrying out such horrible acts of violence, and only get what seems to be a slap on the wrist. Amazing how law enforcement will rush to the aid of a woman's unfounded claims, yet any man in a similar situation needs to first prove his case. Things need to change, but will they?

 

I find it even more frightening that people are willing to justify these actions if there was cheating involved. This makes no sense to me.

Things are changing, more and more people are starting to realize that women can be violent (thanks in part to the domestic violence found in some lesbian relationships.)

 

The rate of increase in men reporting incidents of domestic violence by their female partners is increasing exponentially around the world. Men are being shown on popular tv shows as victims of domestic violence, peoples awareness is increasing.

 

Anyone that justifies violent behavior does not understand what violence is or the possible consequences of violent actions.

[Fun2BMe]

Originally posted by moimeme

Your assumptions are just that - uneducated assumptions based on no fact. This is why 'opinions' can be so dangerous when they are not supported by facts.

I don't have time to form such elaborate "opinions". I am basing my feedback on material I have read in psychiatric journals in my university library and papers I have read - both hardcopies and online.

 

It may not be popular or you might not think it sounds good, and I don't have the terminology and jargon to make it sound more "educated' but that is the case for many abusers and victims out there, whether you like it or not, whether you personally can relate to it or not.

[CurlyIam]

Have they proved that those women are mentally disturbed? And are they all having mental medical conditions? Is it abuse that turns them into abusers?

 

I'd really like to know your opinion on what the cause might be in women's cases, I guess.

[Fun2BMe]

My female cousin was in such a relationship. She'd get abused, but to apologize her husband would take her on trips, buy her gifts and all that. Then I saw a similar story on Oprah and 20/20 and it sparked my interest to read up on it. It is a classic case, to put up with the misery, because the rewards are greater than the average person gets in a normal relationshp.

 

This is not the case for ALL abusive relationships, but for quite a significant number. I don't know what the numbers are so I'm not going to say majority or minority amount but a lot of people don't want to admit or in this threat acknowledge it.

[Fun2BMe]

So in closing, I would suggest that YOU do the reading and provide information not to support this. You won't be able to because there is way too much information and literature out there that supports my so-called 'opinions'. People seem to like to attack people around here who don't have feedback that is all cozy and they off the bat agree with. Life isn't Disneyland.