Jump to content

Do you need to be "madly in love" to stay married?


Recommended Posts

I guess the question says it all.

 

I have a lot of affection for my wife, but if I was strapped to a polygraph and asked "Are you madly in love with her?" I'm not sure my attempted "yes" would pass the test. Do I like her? Yes. Do I think she's sexy? Yes. Do I value her as a person? Yes. But is all of that enough?

 

And it's funny because I've had the opposite problem with other relationships. I've tended to overly romanticize those. From my first real girlfriend in high school, to a two-year LDR in college, to a very intense one-night thing (not even a ONS, as there was no sex), in graduate school, to my recent "special online relationship," I always overly romanticize how perfect things were with these woman. And I don't just do it NOW. I did it back then.

 

What am I to make of this? Does everyone else "madly love" their spouse? I'm not even sure what that means or how to objectively measure it, but I guess I mean that when we did our estate planning, obviously the thought of her dying made me sad, but I immediately thought afterwards, "the kids and I would make it." I'm not sure that's a normal reaction to have.

 

And I know someone will ask, so I'll add this: I'm not sure if I ever "passionately" loved her, even when we were first married. But again, I'm not sure how to measure it. I ask myself would I take a bullet for my kids? The answer is immediately yes! But when I ask myself if I'd take a bullet for my wife...I struggle to give an honest answer.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No you don't NEED to be madly in love to stay married, and I dare say, that most married people are not madly in love anymore, but they may have been with each other in the beginning. Their love has evolved into something else that is, imo, more akin to familial love.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
And may I ask, if you never passionately loved your wife, then why did you marry her?

 

 

I've asked myself this a lot these past few weeks in particular.

 

I think I married her because "it was the thing to do." We had dated for a couple years, and as I said, she has many good qualities. She was kind and cute and responsible, but looking back I realize there wasn't that certain spark that is sort of hard to describe. Maybe I was trying to address what I knew was my tendency to over-romanticize things in the past, and I figured I needed to "grow up" and stop looking for the "perfect girl."

 

This would be a good subject for IC, I know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams

Marriage like all relationships has its ebbs and flows.. Peaks and valleys.. Highs and lows.

 

You have been enamoured with another woman for a while and that is where you got your fulfillment and your high while your marriage was at a low.

 

You have ended the other relationship so now you have no high... But you can recapture the passion with your wife.

 

Once you put your mind to it... Once you remember why you love her.. Once she becomes the focal point of your affection ...

 

Do things for her... Woo her... Compliment her... Romance her... And all of those things will also be for you.

 

Be honest with yourself about how you feel and why... And put every effort into being the best husband you can be..

 

You will find that much of the passion that has disappeared was your fault ...

I speak from experience...

When we are being unfaithful we certainly neglect our spouse... And the issues that became issues were our problems not theirs .... We look for reasons to give ourselves permission to look elsewhere.

Our spouse did not move in the relationship ... We did. Which is why infidelity takes them by surprise.

 

I know you love your wife... Give her the attention she deserves...and you will both win.

 

You got this my friend... I know you do

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Madly in love to me is that initial infatuated feeling when you are first falling in love. It's heady It's dizzying. You feel off balance. It's wonderful stuff but not lasting.

 

 

The rock solid deep-seated love I feel for my husband is bedrock, not ethereal.

 

 

It does mean I don't lust him too but it's so much more than that

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you need to be "madly in love" to stay married?

 

Some people do and some people don't. The marriage turns upon the confluence of attachment styles when presented with the inevitable challenges. IMO, it's important to be jointly and severally committed to the marriage. The madly in love part can come and go throughout life. For some, sure, it remains constant. However, taking two unique individuals, throwing them together for decades, tossing a bunch of life challenges and changes into their milieu, and few will remain equally madly in love for a lifetime, consistently. It's how they deal with that milieu that defines the length and health of their marriage.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

To the folks who have posted thus far...would you give your life for your spouse?

 

It bothers me that I don't think I would, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest with myself (and you all).

 

I'm not sure if this just means I'm selfish and egocentric, or something else. I assume most people would "take the bullet" for their spouse, so if I'm an outlier, what does that mean?

Edited by MightyPen
Link to post
Share on other sites
To the folks who have posted thus far...would you give your life for your spouse?

 

It bothers me that I don't think I would, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest with myself (and you all).

 

I don't know. I have never been in a life threatening situation. I'd like to think I would. As a Marine veteran who has put his life on the line more then once, when my husband tells me that he would I believe because he has lived through what that promise means. I know when I love somebody I do what is needed to make them happy, and safe.

Link to post
Share on other sites
To the folks who have posted thus far...would you give your life for your spouse?

 

Sure, in line with our training regarding 'in defense of self or others'. I would view my spouse as myself and deal with any threats in a similar manner. It would be automatic. I did have some conflicts, fortunately not rising to the level of deadly weapons, while married and had no problem standing for my spouse.

 

It bothers me that I don't think I would, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest with myself (and you all).

 

IMO, that's fine. It's a personal decision and, IMO, doesn't reflect on one's love for their spouse, rather boundaries of personal safety.

I'm not sure if this just means I'm selfish and egocentric, or something else. I assume most people would "take the bullet" for their spouse, so if I'm an outlier, what does that mean?

 

To me it means you simply won't willingly choose to die in defense of another. That's a very personal choice and IMO there is no right or wrong answer. There's your answer.

 

Would my spouse have 'taken a bullet' for me? I don't know. Couldn't read her mind. I wouldn't expect her to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sure, in line with our training regarding 'in defense of self or others'. I would view my spouse as myself and deal with any threats in a similar manner. It would be automatic. I did have some conflicts, fortunately not rising to the level of deadly weapons, while married and had no problem standing for my spouse.

 

 

 

IMO, that's fine. It's a personal decision and, IMO, doesn't reflect on one's love for their spouse, rather boundaries of personal safety.

 

 

To me it means you simply won't willingly choose to die in defense of another. That's a very personal choice and IMO there is no right or wrong answer. There's your answer.

 

Would my spouse have 'taken a bullet' for me? I don't know. Couldn't read her mind. I wouldn't expect her to.

 

 

Well, I'll even remove the real life logistics of self defense, personal safety, etc. Let's peel it down to the core philosophical question, which is, "If you and your spouse where placed in a situation that would result in one of your deaths, and you alone had the power to choose the survivor, would you sacrifice yourself for your spouse?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you got your answer in previous posts. I'll add my perspective as a man who has been married a long time, and perhaps, had similar feelings over the years.

Do I love my wife? Of course. Was I ever madly in love with her? Probably not. Why? Because I found out the hard way that I tended to fall madly in love with the wrong kind of woman for me and a long-lasting relationship. Madly in love is a chemical/emotional reaction to an immediate need -- it has nothing to do with commitment, tolerance, sharing, or compromise.

Granted, there are many people who fall madly in love and remain that way for the rest of their lives together. Many are not that lucky. But many are lucky enough to find a deeper connection. Love has many facets and a successful marriage requires many facets -- not all of them, but most of them.

Take stock of your needs, short term and long term, what you can live with, what you can live without, ask about her needs and can you help to fulfill them, (ultimately all needs are fulfilled by those who need, not by someone else) -- and you might find your wife is the woman meant to be your partner.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, I'll even remove the real life logistics of self defense, personal safety, etc. Let's peel it down to the core philosophical question, which is, "If you and your spouse where placed in a situation that would result in one of your deaths, and you alone had the power to choose the survivor, would you sacrifice yourself for your spouse?"

Same response. It's automatic. That comes partly from genetics and partly from socialization. Genetics being male and socialization being 'old fashioned' at the knee of a WW2 combat vet. Don't really know anything different. Right? IDK. It works for me.

 

Edited to add that dying for one's spouse is running a bit afield of being madly in love with them, IMO more into personal philosophy and commitment to the partnership and one's partner.

Edited by carhill
Link to post
Share on other sites

Now you're delving into the realms of reality and spirituality -- what would the loss of one of you mean to your children? extended family? other important relationships?

And, what do you expect to happen when you die? Punishment? Reward? Nothing?

There are thousands and thousands of people who put their lives on the line every day for people they don't even know. I suspect you're selling yourself short, making a judgment as to what you might do. You might rephrase the question to ask, when it comes down to it, would I do the right thing?

Then realize, for most people, the right thing is an impulse decision. and for most people, in the aftermath, there are doubts about what the right thing was.

Stop beating yourself up over a hypothetical. Determine to do the right thing as best you can in all situations, and you will or you won't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams
To the folks who have posted thus far...would you give your life for your spouse?

 

It bothers me that I don't think I would, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest with myself (and you all).

 

I'm not sure if this just means I'm selfish and egocentric, or something else. I assume most people would "take the bullet" for their spouse, so if I'm an outlier, what does that mean?

 

i would not have to think twice about it....let's say my husband needed a kidney....and i only had one...without a doubt...yes i would give him mine.

 

Right now you are not in love with your wife....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know anything about OP's personal circumstances but, in my case, regardless of marital problems, that philosophy continued up until the point of her filing for D and me taking off my wedding band. In fact, some of the altercations occurred while we were having marital problems. I saw them as separate issues. The problems we can deal with or, as we did, divorce. Her safety was more important than that, to me. Again, personal philosophy rather than 'madly in love'. People vary widely on that stuff.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Marriage like all relationships has its ebbs and flows.. Peaks and valleys.. Highs and lows.

 

You have been enamoured with another woman for a while and that is where you got your fulfillment and your high while your marriage was at a low.

 

You have ended the other relationship so now you have no high... But you can recapture the passion with your wife.

 

Once you put your mind to it... Once you remember why you love her.. Once she becomes the focal point of your affection ...

 

Do things for her... Woo her... Compliment her... Romance her... And all of those things will also be for you.

 

Be honest with yourself about how you feel and why... And put every effort into being the best husband you can be..

 

You will find that much of the passion that has disappeared was your fault ...

I speak from experience...

When we are being unfaithful we certainly neglect our spouse... And the issues that became issues were our problems not theirs .... We look for reasons to give ourselves permission to look elsewhere.

Our spouse did not move in the relationship ... We did. Which is why infidelity takes them by surprise.

 

I know you love your wife... Give her the attention she deserves...and you will both win.

 

You got this my friend... I know you do

Mrs. John Adams: I just want to take this opportunity to let know how much I admire your comments, whatever happened to you in your life ( good or bad) gave you amazing wisdom that i really appreciate and see through all your posts. Mr. Adams should be proud of you

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams
Mrs. John Adams: I just want to take this opportunity to let know how much I admire your comments, whatever happened to you in your life ( good or bad) gave you amazing wisdom that i really appreciate and see through all your posts. Mr. Adams should be proud of you

 

Thank you very much...we are very proud of each other.....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Marriage like all relationships has its ebbs and flows.. Peaks and valleys.. Highs and lows...

 

But you can recapture the passion with your wife.

 

You will find that much of the passion that has disappeared was your fault ...

 

I don't think there's anything to "recapture" and it didn't disappear - it sounds as though he never had passion for his wife.

 

I don't know anything about OP's personal circumstances but, in my case, regardless of marital problems, that philosophy continued up until the point of her filing for D and me taking off my wedding band. In fact, some of the altercations occurred while we were having marital problems. I saw them as separate issues. The problems we can deal with or, as we did, divorce. Her safety was more important than that, to me. Again, personal philosophy rather than 'madly in love'. People vary widely on that stuff.

 

I agree with this. The degree that one is willing to "protect" is more a personality and philosophy issue. Not everyone has it, no matter how much love they have for the person.

 

OP, I don't think one needs to be madly in love to have a functional and happy relationship or marriage. I don't require it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams
I don't think there's anything to "recapture" and it didn't disappear - it sounds as though he never had passion for his wife.

 

 

 

I agree with this. The degree that one is willing to "protect" is more a personality and philosophy issue. Not everyone has it, no matter how much love they have for the person.

 

OP, I don't think one needs to be madly in love to have a functional and happy relationship or marriage. I don't require it.

 

I do believe in other threads he indicated he was passionately in love with his wife...but if I misread...I apologize

Link to post
Share on other sites

You settled. You don't love your wife in the all encompassing way and that is leading you to cheat. You need to reevaluate your life and make sure your family is taken care of. Then you need to figure out what you want in your life and how to either fall in love with your wife or how to move on with as minimal amount of damage as possible.

Yes, my wife and I are about the same chemistry wise as when we first met except now the feelings are much deeper. You don't have to be this way to be married, but I wouldn't want any other arrangement as the one we have.

Best,

Grumps

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Marriage is an agreement.

 

There's no requirement. It's a legal document. Nothing in signing indicates there must be love.

 

Some marry for convenience. Some are arranged.

 

 

Love is a bonus, so is madly in love.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

What makes it worse is that I'm still somewhat hung up on my LDR girlfriend from 20 years ago. Okay, "hung up" is not the right phrase, but I guess I've put her on a pedestal of what a smart, cool chick should be. (I can call her a "chick" because that's what she called herself).

Link to post
Share on other sites

That "madly in love" euphoria is ephemeral and is rarely maintained through the life of a marriage.

 

What others have said about ebbs-and-flows is spot-on. Keep in mind, MightyPen, you are in a state of mourning for what you have recently lost.

 

The love you may have had for your wife during your courting days is long ago and harder for you to remember while the love you have/had for your AP is still within you and making you question your current existence.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams
What makes it worse is that I'm still somewhat hung up on my LDR girlfriend from 20 years ago. Okay, "hung up" is not the right phrase, but I guess I've put her on a pedestal of what a smart, cool chick should be. (I can call her a "chick" because that's what she called herself).

 

Pen my friend...you continue to amaze me with new revelations....and I confess with each one I want to haul off and knock some sense into you.

 

 

You have some serious issues....holy crap.

 

I recommend you run not walk to ic......

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...