Author MightyPen Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 That "madly in love" euphoria is ephemeral and is rarely maintained through the life of a marriage. What others have said about ebbs-and-flows is spot-on. Keep in mind, MightyPen, you are in a state of mourning for what you have recently lost. The love you may have had for your wife during your courting days is long ago and harder for you to remember while the love you have/had for your AP is still within you and making you question your current existence. Considering video chat was the closest we got to "meeting," I certainly was not in love with her, but holy hell was I (still am) infatuated. I hope every day that passes brings me a little farther (further?) from thinking about her all the time. I think it will. And when I find myself thinking about her now, I'll literally shake my head like a dog shaking off water, and get back on task. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 A constant state of "madly in love" is unsustainable. So no, it isn't needed to stay married. And some get married and stay married without ever having it. For me, madly in love comes around and around with my spouse. Every few weeks or months, I have these renewed phases of deeply appreciating how crazy in love I am with my husband, and how amazingly lucky I am to have him. It is often directly tied to gratitude. The opposite--feeling unsatisfied or not in love--can be tied to taking the other for granted. Is it possible you take your wife for granted? What kind of mother and wife is she? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 You settled. You don't love your wife in the all encompassing way and that is leading you to cheat. You need to reevaluate your life and make sure your family is taken care of. Then you need to figure out what you want in your life and how to either fall in love with your wife or how to move on with as minimal amount of damage as possible. Yes, my wife and I are about the same chemistry wise as when we first met except now the feelings are much deeper. You don't have to be this way to be married, but I wouldn't want any other arrangement as the one we have. Best, Grumps My family, meaning my kids, will always be cared for. They are my number one priority. In fact, they were the main reason I was able to break it off with the OW. (that and one poster convincing me to "burn the f*cking bridge"). I thought about how upset they would be if my wife and I divorced...I played out the scene in my head about actually breaking the news to them and how their faces would drop and how they'd be complete sobbing and then angry messes for weeks or months or maybe years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 A constant state of "madly in love" is unsustainable. So no, it isn't needed to stay married. And some get married and stay married without ever having it. For me, madly in love comes around and around with my spouse. Every few weeks or months, I have these renewed phases of deeply appreciating how crazy in love I am with my husband, and how amazingly lucky I am to have him. It is often directly tied to gratitude. The opposite--feeling unsatisfied or not in love--can be tied to taking the other for granted. Is it possible you take your wife for granted? What kind of mother and wife is she? It helps to hear someone else say that. My affection for her definitely ebbs and flows. Do I take her for granted? Probably. I've really been trying to engage with her and pull away from the phones and TV these past few weeks, and this last week especially was really good (other than when I pined for the OW in my head). Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It helps to hear someone else say that. My affection for her definitely ebbs and flows. Do I take her for granted? Probably. I've really been trying to engage with her and pull away from the phones and TV these past few weeks, and this last week especially was really good (other than when I pined for the OW in my head). Think about the role she plays in your family. She is not replaceable. What woman in the world would ever love your children as deeply and treat them as well? She would give her life for your children, whether or not you'd give your life for her. Think about the years she's been loyal and loving toward you. Think about how lucky you are to have someone by your side. And you say she's sexy, too? Think about how many men would LOVE to be in your shoes! Gratitude is powerful. Don't be the guy who only realizes what he had when its gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I sorta thought everyone had a "the one that got away" type of memory. That's all it is. I still do have a letter from her from though. It's one of the only romantic things I ever kept. Well...since the only boy i ever dated was my husband...i never had a one that got away...i guess i was a better fisherman than you huh? and i if knew my husband had a keepsake from any previous girlfriends...i would personally ring his neck:bunny: You continue to surprise me...and i actually wish you would just spill the beans all at once...rip the band-aid off....and while you are at it....your hole gets deeper....and you may end up losing your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Well...since the only boy i ever dated was my husband...i never had a one that got away...i guess i was a better fisherman than you huh? and i if knew my husband had a keepsake from any previous girlfriends...i would personally ring his neck:bunny: You continue to surprise me...and i actually wish you would just spill the beans all at once...rip the band-aid off....and while you are at it....your hole gets deeper....and you may end up losing your family. I don't feel bad about keeping the letter. It's just a sweet little one-page message she wrote that accompanied a present she sent me. We were just college kids. It reminds me of how young and idealistic I was back in the day. And I've never FB-stalked her or anything. I know nothing that's happened to her in the past 15 years. Again, it's just a sweet little letter. (I just took it out of my desk drawer and read it again, actually) Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 pen...you don't seem to feel bad about anything.... Let me ask you a question.... How would you feel if your wife kept a letter from an old boyfriend? How would you feel if your wife had a secret pen pal? How would you feel if your wife said she did not passionately love you anymore? How would you feel if your wife said you were cute but boring and she needs stimulating conversation. Do you even hear yourself? Good grief you frustrate me.... Link to post Share on other sites
MadJackBird Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I will repeat the advice I gave you before. I think you should go to individual counselling to talk through these things. To save your marriage you may need MC. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
baffin Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I've asked myself that question a number of times and it wasn't until a few years ago that I received an answer that made a lot of sense to me. We tend to think of 'true love' as an emotion, but it isn't really... Love isn't a feeling - it's a choice. You can choose to love your wife and then act accordingly. It's a choice you'll probably have to make over and over during your married life. Hope this helps. baffin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
digdoug Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 i have all ways said " don't marry the one you can live with, make sure you are marring the one you can't live without!" think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Mighty, I think you are more in love with the idea of being in love, with infatuation, that if you don't have that constant butterflies, panicky, feeling you doubt the feelings. That isn't long term love. It has it, absolutely, but not 24/7. And it can be created when there is love. But I think you are in a perpetual state of the "grass is always greener" so no matter who the main lady in your life is, you will look wistfully over the fence at past loves or others. I don't think you actually know what long term love looks like. I agree, therapy would be very helpful for you as you are going to rinse and repeat this cycle for years to come if you don't. I am not saying whether or not you actually love your wife and whether your marriage should continue on. But until you have a better understanding of what you should be looking for I don't think you are in a place to make a decision. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 One absolutely does not have to be madly in love to sustain a marriage, or even a LTR. It depends more on compatibility, trust and giving and receiving from each other. Two people can be in love with being "madly in love" and have a great relationship. However, they both have to work on it to make it work, and that's not a bad idea. MightyPen, Mrs. John Adams has given you a LOT to think about. I'd bed strongly that if you wanted, you could make your relationship GREAT, not just good, but you have a way to go. No downside, however, and a LOT of upside. I'd say to re-evaluate your situation, get some serious help, and go to work are reestablishing a great relationship. You really do have a lot going for you if you just work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Well, I'll even remove the real life logistics of self defense, personal safety, etc. Let's peel it down to the core philosophical question, which is, "If you and your spouse where placed in a situation that would result in one of your deaths, and you alone had the power to choose the survivor, would you sacrifice yourself for your spouse?" I would turn to her and look at her in those big beautiful brown eyes of hers and sweetly say: We're going to miss you". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 MP, you are asking some very fundamental questions that I have struggled with and finally (I think) arrived at an answer for. Of course, since I am currently partnerless it is all speculation, which may be why I am so sure of the answer lol I was madly in vloe. He was "the one." We shared it all: common goals, insatiable desire for each other, common values, etc. We didn't marry. I won't go into the specifics of why because at this point it is irrelevant. I fell in love with someone I knew well. He was very fervent in his expression of need for me ("I need you, Autumn"). He also said he loved me. I loved him with all the saved up passion that I had saved up for that special someone who would share my life and get to see me naked on our wedding night (woohoooo!) He wasn't actually madly in love with me. My madly in love was worn down with a lot of things. We both screwed up some things. He was never going to desire me or feel....STRONGLY about me in any way other than that he needed me to be in his life because of, well, what I could do and be for him. It wasn't enough. I was lonely and sad and disillusioned and it wasn't going to change. I decided to end the marriage (that is all oversimplified, but you get the gist). I met someone when I wasn't really looking. It sort of hit like a lightning bolt. He was good at all the right things, we had so many commonalities. The absolute deep giddy THRILL of loving him lasted a very long time, and I let myself look toward an indefinite future. He disappeared....because he cheated. Sooo.....after lots of time and solitude and emotional frenzies, I have come to the conclusion that those wildly in love hormones are like the spark plug that gets the engine going, but they can't sustain the car. You have to press the gas, speed up, slow down, change the oil, etc. to keep it purring. And sometimes you'll say, "Wow, I love this car." And sometimes the new Altima will come out and you'll say....man I wish I had that one. I think that we choose daily to love the person we are committed to. And the rest is individual. I couldn't be in a long term relationship that was consistently without desire, intimacy, and a pretty good modicum of passion. Some people could. The trick is for me not to end up with one of them and for them not to end up with me. For you.....I don't think you can answer that question until you put as much fervor and effort into your wife and marriage as you have this other woman....for quite a while. Even your view of the past is likely skewed by your recent EA. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I stopped reading after the 3rd or 4th reply just to give my opinion on the original question first thing. I dont know if it is possible to be madly in love with someone you choose as your life partner the entire time you are together. I dare say most people found this site in a particularly low time during their relationship where they were probably asking themselves the same types of questions as you are about your partner. And there are some very good success stories on this site alone. The ups and downs of a lifelong commitment are going to come with huge extremes in both directions. When you choose the person to ride the ride of life with you, you are asking them to be there for you always. Not because you need them, but that you come to the realization that you couldnt imagine a better person to ride this ride with. The lows can be so low, I think everyone can relate to these questions. The highs are sometimes all to easy an afterthought when you are rock bottom. I keep coming to the same answer to the end game question. When i look back on this crazy a$$ ride known as life, I know I want nothing more the to have my wife right there with me as we both look back together. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 "Madly in love" to me sounds very honeymoon-ish. After 20 years of marriage, I love my wife deeply and profoundly. Our love is a love born of time and experience. Our love is not as fiery as it was when we were newlyweds, but it's deeper and has more history behind it. Love can change through time. It's no less powerful, just maybe not as exciting as new love. And THAT, my friend, is how some people justify cheating. They long for new love and can't value a deeper, older love. It's a slippery slope. They move on to a new love, then a few years later grow into an old love again and cheat again. To answer more succinctly, I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone, with the exception of our children. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I have been married 43 years...and i passionately love my husband. I deeply love him and admire him and respect him. I want to be with him...I enjoy his company. I love his sense of humor....he makes me feel happy. Is it the same as it was when we were dating and it was new and exciting and HOT? No....and i would not trade what we have now for what we had then for the world. There is a lot to be said of being comfortably in love....instead of madly in love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I sorta thought everyone had a "the one that got away" type of memory. That's all it is. I still do have a letter from her from though. It's one of the only romantic things I ever kept. get rid of the letter and write a letter to your wife thinking of all the reasons why you do love her.......deb 5 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Pretend your wife is your girlfriend. My H and I do this stuff all the time. It's fun to just role play that you are dating, and not married. It'll help you see her as a girlfriend, and you may get some boyfriend treatment. Fun! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Again, it's just a sweet little letter. (I just took it out of my desk drawer and read it again, actually) I've become convinced romance is a zero sum game, the energy you put into something like this is taken from your partner. You maintain the love you feel for your spouse by making sure she's the sole recipient of those thoughts and gestures. Ever notice how the BS becomes less attractive as the WS becomes interested in their AP? Only so much dopamine in our bodies... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 My opinion on this subject is simple, we all start out with the "madly in love" feeling but eventually I believe love is matter of choice and conscious decision. You can wake up everyday and chose love, happiness, health, or the alternatives. If you are constantly looking for the high of that newly in love feeling while overlooking and not appreciating what you have I don't think you will ever find true happiness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 You're not nuts about your wife and you never were. As someone else pointed out, you settled. But I'd say that if the two of you are mostly compatible, then you already have something that most people don't have in a marriage. Still, based on your post and the questions you ask, I get the impression that you want out of this marriage. If it's a daily struggle to be there, then you need to make a decision and stop this inner battle you seem to have. Either stay and make the decision that you'll be happy, or end the marriage and move on with your life. Personally, if I had a husband who didn't feel strongly enough to give his life for me, I'd think he not only didn't care much about me, but that he actually resented me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 It helps to hear someone else say that. My affection for her definitely ebbs and flows. Do I take her for granted? Probably. I've really been trying to engage with her and pull away from the phones and TV these past few weeks, and this last week especially was really good (other than when I pined for the OW in my head). My spouse and I have been married a long time ( more than 18 years now) and I can honestly say that I completely agree that love ebbs and flows, and it sounds as if you have mistaken infatuation for this "one that got away" for love, and you are comparing your feelings for your wife with this infatuation and coming to an unfair conclusion. There's certainly nothing wrong with thinking about your relationship and how to make it better, but when you spend more time thinking about it than you spend on actually doing things to make it better or at least relaxing enough that you can allow yourself to enjoy it, you have a problem. It's been my observation that the best times, and the things that will really bond you together as a couple and help a deep and mature love to grow aren't things you plan, they just happen. The more time you spend fretting about whether or not you are happy and love your spouse, the less happy you will be, and the less you will feel you love them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 "Madly in love" to me sounds very honeymoon-ish. After 20 years of marriage, I love my wife deeply and profoundly. Our love is a love born of time and experience. Our love is not as fiery as it was when we were newlyweds, but it's deeper and has more history behind it. Love can change through time. It's no less powerful, just maybe not as exciting as new love. And THAT, my friend, is how some people justify cheating. They long for new love and can't value a deeper, older love. It's a slippery slope. They move on to a new love, then a few years later grow into an old love again and cheat again. To answer more succinctly, I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone, with the exception of our children. It's in love like this that you will find the things that you will never get in "infatuation" love. There is a deep sense of trust, compassion, and "oneness" with the other person. It's always there, just below the surface of all parts of your life. This is not to say that i am always happy with my spouse, or that there aren't time when I would just love to wring his neck. after all, we are two human beings and as such, we can get on each others nerves sometimes. I don't say my spouse completes me, as I am a complete and whole person in my own right. I don't "need" him in that sense. It's more like I need him because I want him to be there. We are partners in a team that have made, and continue to make, the decision to go through life together. Link to post Share on other sites
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