Living w/ finace and having cat issues - advice?

[Jas]

I don't know. I've never lived with 3 cats before - and it turns out I am not a fan. I don't know if I was naiive or didn't clearly consider the effect it would have, or what. As far as exposing myself to his life - he was living in a total bachelor house before this and any evidence of cats destroying things was somewhat concealed by crap and debris the 3 guys living there created. I guess the cats fit right in.

 

I don't view pets as disposable. People responding have been making the assumption that I'd just toss them on the curb. He was living w/ someone before who is a very likely candidate to take his cats. If not him, I would help find some other caring home that would take them. I don't wish harm upon the things, I just don't like living with them. I even pet them and show them affection now- imagine that!

 

blind otter - yeah, your situation wasn't the one I was referring to. I've loved a lot of animals growing up, but I cannot imagine passing up the love of my life for any of them, especially if the person made an honest effort to incorporate them. That's just me...

[swirlingdaisy]

What I don't get is.....you've lived with him for only a month, yet surely you and he have been together for some time now. Surely before you moved in with him, you saw his home, his cats and were aware of the situation. I'd venture to guess that your dislike for his cats developed a very long time ago (these things don't happen overnight). So what did you expect? What were your expectations? That you'd move in and somehow manipulate him into getting rid of his cats to please you?

 

Your disrespect for pets comes across pretty well - makes me wonder why you even have your own cat. It's clear you think pets are way below the value and worth of humans. Are you one of those people who would refuse to take your ill cat to a vet because you don't believe in spending money on "an animal"? I sure hope not.

 

Your fiance is a package deal. He has his cats because he loves them and they are a part of his life. If you can't accept that and get past your sense of superiority and disrespect for his cats, then it might just be best for you to find someone who shares your view about pets - better yet, someone who doesn't have any.

 

If anything, instead of having such contempt for his cats, you should stop and consider that his cats are the way they are because of how he's trained (or not) them. If his leather furniture is all shredded up, that's his fault.....for not taking proper steps years ago to curb this kind of behavior. There's many effective things a person can do to stop their cat from shredding the carpet and furniture: clipping claws on a regular basis, spraying the cat with a water bottle when they do something they're not supposed to, providing plenty of scratching posts sprayed with catnip, providing scratch pads, etc. You can't blame a pet for inappropriate behavior - they are like children, they need to be taught. Would you want to get rid of a child because the child drew on the walls with crayon or damaged something??

 

My attitude isn't self-righteous.............I am someone who has seen first hand, the shelters that are filled to the brim with poor cats and dogs who are given up by selfish owners who place more value on inanimate objects such as furniture, who are too lazy to train their pet - and thousands and thousands of these animals are put to sleep daily because there's just not enough homes for them. Take a visit to your local shelter on Euthanization Day and you'll see for yourself.

 

If you're the kind of person who has little respect for animals and it's "all about you", you should naturally not get involved with someone who has pets - it's a no-brainer.

 

but as long as my domesticated animals cannot verbally communicate with me - I will choose a human over them any day.

 

Newborn babies can't communicate, yet they cry and cry and make messes and keep you up all night and you often don't know what it is that they want or need - would you grow to resent them as well?

 

Sorry but people like you scare me, your narcissistic "me me me" attitude,it's frightening. What if you were dating a man who had children from a past relationship who weren't disciplined to your standards...would you expect him to get rid of his children?

 

I don't even understand what your big problem is. I could see if his cats were spraying all over the house or crapping on the bed......but all you're describing are cats that were never really trained (your fiance's fault) and who is to blame for that?

 

I hope your fiance realizes soon, from this living together experience, that you really aren't an animal lover. You strike me as someone who would have a baby with the guy, and one day take his cats to a shelter or drop them off on a farm somewhere, just to get rid of them.

[Jas]

So what did you expect? What were your expectations? That you'd move in and somehow manipulate him into getting rid of his cats to please you?

 

First off, I think anything leading up to the current situation is pretty irrelevant. I am focusing on the situation at hand. However, if I had already decided that I wanted to get rid of his cats before we moved in - I wouldn't be bothering with this message board where I expected (and received) very little validation of what I'm feeling. Do you think I'm going to be able to use this thread in my defense? "Look hunny...I posted my issue on this board and barely anyone agrees with me! Can we get rid of them now?"

 

Your disrespect for pets comes across pretty well - makes me wonder why you even have your own cat. It's clear you think pets are way below the value and worth of humans. Are you one of those people who would refuse to take your ill cat to a vet because you don't believe in spending money on "an animal"? I sure hope not.

 

You are a bit extreme here ^

Newborn babies can't communicate, yet they cry and cry and make messes and keep you up all night and you often don't know what it is that they want or need - would you grow to resent them as well?

 

and here ^

 

Jeezus. Just because I don't like living in a modest sized apartment w/ a heard of cats doesn't make me an animal abuser or a candidate for child neglect. Have you ever disliked a roommate, or knew a pet that you were happy you didn't live with? Well if not, excuse me for you are the model human, but I don't think it is a crime to dislike living w/ these cats. It does not make me a bad person or mean that I disrespect animals.

 

I'm curious though - are you a vegetarian?

 

Ugh...I'm done. I could go on but we clearly have different ways of thinking.

[swirlingdaisy]

Of course things leading up to you 2 living together is RELEVANT. He's had his apparently shredded up leather furniture for years.....this should have been something you "noticed" early on in the relationship.......you made the decision way back then, however, to remain in a relationship with someone whose cats you're not crazy about. Surely before you moved in with him, you saw the condition of his apartment and the behavior of his 2 cats. Why continue in a relationship with someone, only to get to the poing where you're now engaged and living together, and you're just NOW having all of these expressed issues with his pets? How fair is that??

 

You moved into HIS space.........HIS apartment, HIS home..........yet you apparently can't accept the situation (or him) as it is. So then why don't you find someplace else that's bigger and better?

 

Let's face it, you've not been honest with him and your feelings about his cat. Now it's getting close to push coming to shove - you're engaged now...the guy doesn't likely have any idea how much you despise his cats.............so you're trying to figure out ways to justify why you don't like them, and I think deep inside you'd be quite tickled pink for him to get rid of them. My goodness, so you know someone he lived with in the past that could take his cats........have you ever considered the fact that animals undergo a tremendous deal of stress when relocated to another home?

 

And no, I'm surely not a vegetarian - I have no idea what that has to do with anything, though. Respecting someone's pets and making a concerted effort to compromise has nothing to do with whether one eats meat or not (how absurd!).

 

You've only lived there one month and already you want him to get new furniture, you want him to get rid of his pets.......if I were him, I'd be taking a good hard long look at how the future might be................you wanting your own way, you not respecting his feelings, you not respecting what matters to him, you not being able to deal with a couple of harmless cats. How would it be for him when you two are married? Will everything have to be your way? What home you buy, where you live, what time he has to come home by, what friends he's allowed to hang out with, whether he's allowed to have any of his furniture in your home, how you raise your children, etc.

 

I have cats myself. I am not a dog person and I admit that openly. I would never want a big dog who rolls around in the mud and dirt into my home and on my furniture, terrorizing my cats. I would never ever be someone who would be out there walking the dog and having to scoop up their sh*t and walking back home with a bag of dogsh*t. I know this, and that is why I don't date someone who has dogs - because it wouldn't be fair to them or me or my cats to get into a relationship where I have resentment toward their dog and deep down with the dog was gone. I sure as heck wouldn't start dating a guy who had a dog......"put up with his dog" to the point we're engaged....we move in together....then suddenly admit all of my deep seated issues about his dog and be wishing he'd get rid of it. It's about honesty and being true to yourself and your partner. YOu knew a long time ago he had 2 cats........you saw the condition of his apartment and his furniture, this was not just some big surprise.................that's what i don't get.

 

TO ADD: on the other hand, I wouldn't date someone who obviously didn't like pets/cats. I don't expect a guy to be all in love with my cats.....but I would expect a partner to respect my animals, not have contempt for them, not resent them and wish I'd get rid of them. If I date someone and I get a sense that they don't "believe in having pets" or they make even-joking remarks about not liking cats, I respect the fact that they don't like them - and I move along. The honesty goes both ways..

[Pocky]

I didn't read all the posts so forgive me if I'm redundant. Here are some suggestions I've found while reading up on my own cats.

 

1. Scratching - there are few different remedies. Most cats dislike the scent of oranges. It's been suggested to pin an orange peel to furniture/curtains that cats are destroying. It's possible they won't go near it because of the smell.

 

2. Scratching - declawing is awful - they actually cut off the tips of the cats foot. There is an alternative that you could probably find on the internet. I recently saw them in a cat magazine - they are plastic tips that you put on the cats claws. They remove the sharp points by adding a rounded plastic tip which makes it harder for cats to scratch or claw. While this does remove the pleasure they get from using the scratching post - if they're not using it then they're not missing anything. I'd try the orange peel first though.

 

3. Biting/Eating furniture - Search the internet for stuff called bitter apple for cats. Cats hate the taste of it and it's completely harmless to use. It's suggested to rub a little on anything they're chewing. Once they get a taste in their mouth they'll stop chewing on that item.

[kkat]

Coming at this from possibly a slightly different approach...

 

You mentioned you moved in with your fiance only a month ago. Is it at all possible that while certainly, your pets are having trouble adjusting to one another and you to his cats, that the magnitude of the situation is being exaggerated by the overall situation and stress of moving into together?

 

When I am overly stressed about something big in my life (or just PMS for that matter) - things can really wear on my nerves that otherwise wouldn't, or certainly not to the degree that they do when I am overstressed. I am not minimizing the issue at hand, at all, just asking if maybe the issue at hand would seem more manageable if you gave yourself a little more time to adjust to cohabitation?

 

By way of background, despite my handle, I don't have a cat. I do have a dog, which I am freakishly crazy about, AND I am an exceptionally clean person - excessively so by some standards. I am able to maintain a very clean home with my dog, but it's one small, non-shedding dog, and alot of hard work. (Hey I love to mop and vacuum almost as much as I love posting on LS.)

 

I just gave that background so you'd know I can relate to both the cleanliness need and the pet lover side of this.

[Debster]

I remember I dated a guy once who my cat hated. The hatred was mutual. I found myself being a referree between the two of them. The relationship ended.

 

When I first started dating my husband, both I and my cat were smitten. My cat adores my husband and vice versa. She is no longer, my cat. She is our cat. The point? The right person for you will fit in with everything that matters.

 

The ol' love me. Love my cat.

 

The fact that you don't love, or even respect, your fiance's pets speaks volumes. As a fellow cat owner, I can't believe you could be so pro- your cat and anti-someone else's cat. I think there is an underlying reason that you don't want to admit to.

 

Good luck.

[Jas]

kkat - I truthfully hope that is the case, and I've considered it. A lot has been going on lately aside from the move, so maybe this is the one detail of change I'm having the most trouble with.

 

debster - what is with this position that I don't respect the animals?? I don't get it. I care for the animal, don't harm it - how am I being disrespectful by voicing my opinion. And as a fellow cat owner - you're telling me you don't view your feline as being a touch superior to others cats? I think that's a bit natural. But to answer your questions - the big UNDERLYING reason that I don't like his cats is..... I was actually abused as a child, by a cat! Haha...c'mon there is nothing I am hiding about my relationship, I just came here looking for someone who may have had a similar experience and wondering how they coped. I guess on this board that warrants being psycho-analyzed in the process. Oh well...

[moofer]

The destructive behavior your fiance's cats exert can easily be fixed. All you have to do is spray the cat that does the destruction faintly with water, or tap it on the nose, lightly. Eventually, the cats will learn that their destructive behavior will result in punishment, and they will refrain from doing it.

 

As for the litter problem, all cats leave tracks of litter on the floor. There's no other solution to fix this but to clean it up.

 

Shedding? Cats shed, a lot. As with the litter problem, the only solution to this problem is to clean it up.

 

And the average domestic cat is untrainable, so you're pretty much wasting your time if you're trying to train..

 

 

I don't think there's any advice that can better your sitatuon. It's up to you. You either like the cats or dislike the cats. You're just going to have to deal with it.

[Debster]

debster - what is with this position that I don't respect the animals?? I don't get it. I care for the animal, don't harm it - how am I being disrespectful by voicing my opinion. And as a fellow cat owner - you're telling me you don't view your feline as being a touch superior to others cats? I think that's a bit natural. But to answer your questions - the big UNDERLYING reason that I don't like his cats is..... I was actually abused as a child, by a cat! Haha...c'mon there is nothing I am hiding about my relationship, I just came here looking for someone who may have had a similar experience and wondering how they coped. I guess on this board that warrants being psycho-analyzed in the process. Oh well...

 

Hey you asked for advice and input. I was not rude to you. However, you were rude to me.

As for the underlying reason I referred to, it was that you don't like to share your life and home with your fiance.

I didn't want to spell it out for you, but hey with an attitude like yours, I figure why not.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by moofer

The destructive behavior your fiance's cats exert can easily be fixed. All you have to do is spray the cat that does the destruction faintly with water, or tap it on the nose, lightly. Eventually, the cats will learn that their destructive behavior will result in punishment, and they will refrain from doing it.

 

The spray bottle doesnt work with my cat. It just gets scared of the bottle and runs out of the room. He'll still go back to it's destruction when noone's looking.

 

The only thing that helped with the scratching was to provide my cat with an alternative. He doesnt like carpet because he gets his nails caught in them, so I gave him a paper box to scratch. It was great at first, but now anything in paper boxes, he'll destroy. He's starting to eat the paper shreds now too. But it's funny, because whenever he gets pissed, he'll go over to his box and shred it as if he's saying "this is what I want to do to your face". lol

[Craig]

Surf to softpaws dot com for the scratching solution.

 

There is a product called "stickypaws" that you can place on areas you don't want the cat to scratch--it trains them to know these areas aren't the best scratching areas.

 

The bitter apple someone mentioned can be found at most pet stores, one brand is Granick's Bitter Apple.

 

Actually if you go to a decent pet store they should have more good answers for you.

[blind_otter]

I heard you can sprinkle tobacco in your houseplants and also, that stickypaws stuff is exactly like double sided tape.

[swirlingdaisy]

I've never heard of sprinkling tobacco (that's poisonous to cats) but I have heard of sprinkling cayenne pepper on top of the soil of houseplants.