Is it still wrong to try blocking an exit door during an argument?

[lollipopspot]

Lollipopspot, the problem is, if you are a hulking man and a tiny woman is blocking your path and you move them, they now have you for assault for shoving them out of the way so you can leave. Also, I don't see the difference of a tiny woman whaling on a large man. He also feels pain and may feel constrained against defending himself because of her size/sex.

 

Women, like myself, want equal treatment. If we deserve equal treatment, we deserve to be held to the same standards. That means if a 7 ft tall 390 pound man is not allowed to block a door or grab a person then neither is a 5 ft tall 90 pound woman.

 

No one is "allowed" to block a door - please don't misread what I said. But let's not pretend that there's exact parity (not even referencing gender here) when there isn't. If one person outweighs, outheights, and outstrengths someone by a significant amount (whether male or female), that makes a difference in how someone should respond to the "threat." My physical and emotional reaction is going to be different depending on whether I am the bigger or smaller party. As a small woman, it's the equivalent of a child blocking the door from me. Am I going to "whale" on them or shove them to the ground for blocking my way? Nope. If you are desperate for some reason to move them (usually not necessary unless there is some immediate threat), or just stand for a few seconds while they calm down, fine. There's a difference between being UNABLE to move because the person is so much bigger, and feeling threatened by that, and just being irritated because the smaller person is being a jerk and standing in the door. Not o.k. when anyone does it, but the bigger person generally needs to use more physical self restraint, because they can do more serious damage in the heat of the moment. If I were being blocked by a bigger or smaller person though, I would have a serious talk with them after things calmed down, to never do that again. But my sense of safety would be different.

 

We're not talking about "whaling" on someone either.

 

Anyone of any gender needs to just get away and not use force beyond what is necessary.

Edited October 13, 2015 by lollipopspot

[Els]

You were undeniably wrong to do what you did, but I seriously doubt you will be charged in court, so I don't see the purpose in going down the 'legality' route.

 

I think you should apologize to him and promise not to do it again (and keep that promise!) and see how that goes.

[ShatteredLady]

Many men are taught to "Just walk away & cool off" from an early age. My kids are little. I get the usual sibling squabbles. My son is 3 years older than his little sister. I realized I'm already teaching him "Don't hit or lash out! If you're getting that frustrated Walk Away!"....Then I have an argument with my H & it drives me CRAZY when he walks away!!

[Els]

No one is "allowed" to block a door - please don't misread what I said. But let's not pretend that there's exact parity (not even referencing gender here) when there isn't. If one person outweighs, outheights, and outstrengths someone by a significant amount (whether male or female), that makes a difference in how someone should respond to the "threat." My physical and emotional reaction is going to be different depending on whether I am the bigger or smaller party. As a small woman, it's the equivalent of a child blocking the door from me. Am I going to "whale" on them or shove them to the ground for blocking my way? Nope. If you are desperate for some reason to move them (usually not necessary unless there is some immediate threat), or just stand for a few seconds while they calm down, fine. There's a difference between being UNABLE to move because the person is so much bigger, and feeling threatened by that, and just being irritated because the smaller person is being a jerk and standing in the door. Not o.k. when anyone does it, but the bigger person generally needs to use more physical self restraint, because they can do more serious damage in the heat of the moment. If I were being blocked by a bigger or smaller person though, I would have a serious talk with them after things calmed down, to never do that again. But my sense of safety would be different.

 

We're not talking about "whaling" on someone either.

 

Anyone of any gender needs to just get away and not use force beyond what is necessary.

 

FTR, my guy and I both generally agree with this sentiment. It's morally/ethically wrong for ANYONE to block anyone's path, but the danger, potential harm etc is different if it's a much stronger person as opposed to a much weaker person.

 

Still, I think the OP's bf is very much justified to be unhappy about what she did and potentially even break things up because of it. Anyone is entitled to leave if they feel their partner behaved unacceptably, even if there was minimal danger per se.

[autumnnight]

No one is "allowed" to block a door - please don't misread what I said. But let's not pretend that there's exact parity (not even referencing gender here) when there isn't. If one person outweighs, outheights, and outstrengths someone by a significant amount (whether male or female), that makes a difference in how someone should respond to the "threat." My physical and emotional reaction is going to be different depending on whether I am the bigger or smaller party. As a small woman, it's the equivalent of a child blocking the door from me. Am I going to "whale" on them or shove them to the ground for blocking my way? Nope. If you are desperate for some reason to move them (usually not necessary unless there is some immediate threat), or just stand for a few seconds while they calm down, fine. There's a difference between being UNABLE to move because the person is so much bigger, and feeling threatened by that, and just being irritated because the smaller person is being a jerk and standing in the door. Not o.k. when anyone does it, but the bigger person generally needs to use more physical self restraint, because they can do more serious damage in the heat of the moment. If I were being blocked by a bigger or smaller person though, I would have a serious talk with them after things calmed down, to never do that again. But my sense of safety would be different.

 

We're not talking about "whaling" on someone either.

 

Anyone of any gender needs to just get away and not use force beyond what is necessary.

 

I have to ask....why is this even necessary? There was no mention of "parity" anywhere in the OP's post. Why must we always add the "men are bigger and meaner" disclaimer anytime it is a MAN who was wronged? I don't get it.

[Els]

Edit: Off topic, nevermind.

Edited October 14, 2015 by Elswyth

[Frank2thepoint]

Interesting how men are differently in processing stuff whearas I like solving it right at the moment.

 

It is not just men that need to cool off when an argument becomes unbearable. There are women that do this as well. If you want to prevent your boyfriend from walking away to cool off, don't get into a shouting match. Try to stay calm, don't insult, don't insinuate. It's challenging, but you can prevent a discussion with differences of opinion turning into an argument that way.

[GravityMan]

Interesting how men are differently in processing stuff whearas I like solving it right at the moment.

 

That is not a man or woman thing, it is an individual thing. It depends far more on how the individual was socialized at a young age (upbringing, environment, etc.), and also depends on the person's wiring/genetics.

 

Also, a few thoughts about relationship problems in general. Some problems simply cannot be solved right away. And in some cases the overt specific problem is actually a symptom of a deeper, broader and more severe problem that lurks under the surface. Lastly, in some cases it's better to just be emotionally available to your partner (via listening, etc.) rather than being laser-focused on fixing the specific issue.

[BlueIris]

My long-term bf of nearly 2 years and I got into an argument about work and bill issues.

 

It was only within a very short time of the argument that he already wanted to leave. I followed him, blocked the door and kind of firmly (not too hard) grabbed his arm telling him that we needed to speak. After he stated twice that he doesn't want to talk and let him go, I did.

 

But now he's not only upset about the argument but that I didn't allow him to leave. I just wanted to talk things out at the moment. I realized I might have been a kind of upset by then but I hate leaving an argument and unsolved issues pending.

 

I'd be done with a partner who did that. I understand that you wanted what you wanted, but the other person gets to want what they want too- and neither gets to veto another person's choice.

[wheream_i]

Now have him try that with you and see how fast he ends up in handcuffs.

[lollipopspot]

I have to ask....why is this even necessary? There was no mention of "parity" anywhere in the OP's post. Why must we always add the "men are bigger and meaner" disclaimer anytime it is a MAN who was wronged? I don't get it.

 

Are you serious? It's all through the comments, including YOURS:

 

I would venture that if a man blocked a woman's exit we would not take it so lightly.

 

YOU are one of the people who made the parity before I posted, so it should be pretty obvious what I was responding to.

 

You should ask yourself the same question you asked me then: why was YOUR post where you felt the need to make some type of parity (even though the OP didn't) even necessary?

Edited October 14, 2015 by lollipopspot

[Taramere]

My long-term bf of nearly 2 years and I got into an argument about work and bill issues.

 

It was only within a very short time of the argument that he already wanted to leave. I followed him, blocked the door and kind of firmly (not too hard) grabbed his arm telling him that we needed to speak. After he stated twice that he doesn't want to talk and let him go, I did.

 

But now he's not only upset about the argument but that I didn't allow him to leave. I just wanted to talk things out at the moment. I realized I might have been a kind of upset by then but I hate leaving an argument and unsolved issues pending.

 

If somebody wants to walk away from conflict, regardless of what the conflict is about (and how important you think it is to talk about it there and then) I think you always have to let them walk.

 

Getting into somebody's face during heated conflict is a recipe for potential violence. As far as it being a criminal offence goes - where I live, what you describe might incur a breach of the peace charge but we're not exactly talking about major league domestic violence here. It sounds like an angry squabble that would attract little more than a disinterested token rap on the knuckles by the authorities, if either party were over-reactive enough to involve the authorities over something like that.

 

I think the wrong to focus on isn't so much "am I some sort of a criminal for doing that? Am I abusive?" as what you did being a wrong/foolish way to handle conflict. You don't block the path of an angry person who wants to get away from a conflict that they don't feel calm enough to deal with. Just as you wouldn't corner a frightened/aggressive animal.

 

For me, if a partner (or anybody actually) blocked my path when I was trying to leave a situation that was upsetting me, I'd perceive that as very controlling and quite blind (to my high level of anger, distress etc). The situation speaks to you being oblivious to everything except your own need to talk there and then...and that, to me, is the wrong part of it. The tunnel vision involved in blocking a person's exit in that way.

 

When a person is so hyped up that they need to walk away from an argument, they're probably in a state where they're liable to lash out physically. That's basic, instinctive animal behaviour which anybody can revert to in a state of high anxiety. Human beings might make a good job of rising above such behaviour in the main, but we are still animals with animalistic instincts and drives that can take over in times of high conflict. It's not a good idea to push it. When somebody wants to walk away from an argument, always let them. Don't block their path and create a situation where animal instinct is likely to take over and result in them pushing or hitting you.

[CarrieT]

Here is something that happened to my BFF just last year:

 

She was breaking up with her boyfriend and they have a 2-year old child together. In the course of a fight, she blocked the door to keep him from leaving with their child. As she explained it to me, she blocked the door for something along the lines of 90 seconds or two minutes to keep from having her child be abducted.

 

Well, she managed to get the child away from him but when he got outside (and the fight had escalated with him biting her), *HE* called the police. Because he was the one who initiated the call to the authorities, my friend was arrested on felony entrapment for those 90 seconds she blocked his way.

 

She was in jail for ten hours, had to pay $3,500 bail, and couldn't see her child for a week. There is now a restraining order between the two parents - and my friend - was left trying to find a new place to live for her and her daughter (which in San Francisco's rent explosion is insanely hard with two-bedrooms now costing in the $4,000/month range).

 

It ultimately took $10k in lawyers fees to be vindicated and have her record expunged.

 

So, yes, blocking an exit door during an argument can be construed as a FELONY.

[Taramere]

Well, she managed to get the child away from him but when he got outside (and the fight had escalated with him biting her), *HE* called the police. Because he was the one who initiated the call to the authorities, my friend was arrested on felony entrapment for those 90 seconds she blocked his way.

 

She was in jail for ten hours, had to pay $3,500 bail, and couldn't see her child for a week. There is now a restraining order between the two parents - and my friend - was left trying to find a new place to live for her and her daughter (which in San Francisco's rent explosion is insanely hard with two-bedrooms now costing in the $4,000/month range).

 

It ultimately took $10k in lawyers fees to be vindicated and have her record expunged.

 

So, yes, blocking an exit door during an argument can be construed as a FELONY.

 

It sounds as though she was unfortunate enough to have a partner who knew exactly how to play (very vexatiously) a system that appears to be heavily invested in lining lawyers' pockets.

[autumnnight]

Are you serious? It's all through the comments, including YOURS:

 

 

 

YOU are one of the people who made the parity before I posted, so it should be pretty obvious what I was responding to.

 

You should ask yourself the same question you asked me then: why was YOUR post where you felt the need to make some type of parity (even though the OP didn't) even necessary?

 

It's because my well-honed spidey sense knew there would be women coming along to defend HER who would never defend a man....and I was right

[jen1447]

When a person is so hyped up that they need to walk away from an argument, they're probably in a state where they're liable to lash out physically. That's basic, instinctive animal behaviour which anybody can revert to in a state of high anxiety. Human beings might make a good job of rising above such behaviour in the main, but we are still animals with animalistic instincts and drives that can take over in times of high conflict. It's not a good idea to push it. When somebody wants to walk away from an argument, always let them. Don't block their path and create a situation where animal instinct is likely to take over and result in them pushing or hitting you.

 

That's an interesting caveat to this discussion - unfortunately deliberate provocation is a tactic that women sometimes use against men. (Not the OP I'm sure, just in general.) I never could wrap my mind around that ....it seems to be less a tool to get them in criminal hot water (tho that happens) as an attempt to gain some sort of social advantage, like bragging rights to him having hit her, or even an intra-relationship bargaining chip. e.g. "you hit me that time so now I have a do-x-y-z-for free coupon," or "you hit me that time which makes you a wife beater and I want that to hang over your head for the rest of your life," etc. Women aren't doing themselves or the domestic violence cause any favors when they act out that way.

[Taramere]

That's an interesting caveat to this discussion - unfortunately deliberate provocation is a tactic that women sometimes use against men. (Not the OP I'm sure, just in general.) I never could wrap my mind around that ....it seems to be less a tool to get them in criminal hot water (tho that happens) as an attempt to gain some sort of social advantage, like bragging rights to him having hit her, or even an intra-relationship bargaining chip. e.g. "you hit me that time so now I have a do-x-y-z-for free coupon," or "you hit me that time which makes you a wife beater and I want that to hang over your head for the rest of your life," etc. Women aren't doing themselves or the domestic violence cause any favors when they act out that way.

 

I'm sometimes astonished by the extent to which people will square up to somebody who's evidently on a very short fuse that they're trying to get a grip of. In some cases I agree it's deliberate provocation, but I also think that some people are just lacking in awareness. Like the difference between a child who gets bitten for taunting a hyped up dog, and the child who gets bitten because they were blind to the dog's aggressive body language and invaded its space.

 

It's one of the drawbacks of our human form of intelligence. We have to silence our instincts a lot of the time in order to manage social requirements. Or we're called on to provide rational explanations for instinctive behaviour...and generally conditioned to be a bit embarrassed about any behaviour we display that is instinctive rather than rational. But when it comes to situations that are genuinely threatening (ie involving potential violence) we need those instincts badly.

 

A person with good instincts knows to back off from somebody who's desperately trying to control their anger. Some people just lack those instincts, I think. Or it's a dominance/ego thing.

[Els]

It's because my well-honed spidey sense knew there would be women coming along to defend HER who would never defend a man....and I was right

 

Has anyone here actually said that the OP was right to do what she did? Because that's what 'defending' typically means.

 

That's an interesting caveat to this discussion - unfortunately deliberate provocation is a tactic that women sometimes use against men. (Not the OP I'm sure, just in general.)

 

I agree. TBH if I were in the OP's bf's shoes and she continued to downplay what she did by saying that there was nothing wrong with it, I'd probably walk. I wouldn't file a police report of course (unless there was further stalking behaviour) since I wouldn't have been in any real danger, but 'no danger' is not a good reason to stay with someone. If someone makes a habit of doing **** like this and thinking it's okay or that I'm wrong to be mad, they probably wouldn't make a good partner.