Light bulb moment through meditation last night, about expectations with friends

[KittyKat67]

Hi all,

 

I recently posted something about cutting off a childhood friend due to her not being able to be there for me and offer comfort. Last night, I decided to go to my first meditation group. I entered extremely pissed off, I left with clarity. This is what I learned though mediation last night:

 

My so called friend does not owe me anything. It was my expectation the she could be there for me and offer me support, but we have to give oursleves what it is we are missing. Co dependency is not healthy and exists somewhat in every relationship to mankind. I phoned her last night and left her a message. I apologized to her for expecting her to be there for me. I was very sincere because I mean it. She doesn't owe me anything. She doesn't owe me jack crap and it was my expecting of her to be there for me, that set me on an angry rage. This really set me free. I know she will never apologize, and quite frankly there are karmic consequences to her behaviour however, I am not here to judge anymore. This does free me because i have always felt a little used by her, but felt love for her anyways. I have decided this clarity just sets the tone for me to connect with others who want a higher degree of respect between two people. As I learn and go through my therapy, my self esteem is raising and realize what type of friends that I want in my life.

 

My only question here on this forum, is about apologizing. Would you continue to just keep moving forward with someone who can't apologize? But who will say, I just love you, because my friend always tells me she loves me. It just gets irriating sometimes to here someone keep saying that though, but for awhile it was comforting.

Edited October 12, 2015 by KittyKat67

[chargersfan]

I've bern reading up on not entering relationships with a certain set of expectations. Where I get lost is, when do you disengage from a situation? When it hurts? Doesn't the hurt come from expectations?

 

I posted on here about a new friend I made, who would lie about small things, controlled our interaction, our method of interaction, what we did, etc.

She ended up unfriending me on facebook after I cancelled a hang-out with her.

Should I have faded or disengaged from the situation even before that? Isn't part of my disappointment due to expectations that she would be honest and compromising? If I went along with everything she wanted, does that make me a pushover?

 

See, I get lost already, because the notion of the hurt is tied in with a level of expectations.

 

If anyone could offer advice on this topic, it would be great, as I'm wondering the same thing.

[chargersfan]

Another example would be, I made a new friend this month. Last week, on Monday, she invited me to dinner and a movie and said we'd go on Friday and gave me an estimated time. She said she'd shoot me a text later that day. Nada. A week goes by, nada, and here we are.

 

I'm disappointed because I would never do that to anyone. I'd send them a text, or call, letting them know I couldn't make it. Is my disappointment in this due to my expectations that they should do the same or is this a boundary I've set, and different from an expectation.

 

Agh! After my last failed new friendship, I'm so in my head about it that it's not coming naturally to me.

[chargersfan]

And sorry, if I'm thread-jacking, plz disregard my posts. I'm just very confused on this topic as well.

[StBreton]

Another example would be, I made a new friend this month. Last week, on Monday, she invited me to dinner and a movie and said we'd go on Friday and gave me an estimated time. She said she'd shoot me a text later that day. Nada. A week goes by, nada, and here we are.

 

I'm disappointed because I would never do that to anyone. I'd send them a text, or call, letting them know I couldn't make it. Is my disappointment in this due to my expectations that they should do the same or is this a boundary I've set, and different from an expectation.

 

Agh! After my last failed new friendship, I'm so in my head about it that it's not coming naturally to me.

 

You had realistic expectations ...that's normal. Maybe the new friend had something come up. I'd let one time pass.

 

For the OP ...some friends have a lot going on and get overwhelmed. Life happens. I'll bet you're friend is relieved. Just know you might have a fair weather friend on your hands and manage expectations for future. Other friends will be there for you and if you don't have others to make some more through shared experiences.