Distancing myself from childhood friend - the right move?

[UnaKate]

I have a friend who has been my confidante for many years. I never had any feelings for him but we had a lot in common - we talked all the time, were on the phone when not together & when I moved away for uni/work six years ago, we stayed in touch via email. During this time, I thought he fancied me a bit due to the fact he was always complimenting my pictures & being very affectionate in terms of his "love". He has helped me through all difficult periods of my life.

 

After I moved home we met up & I realised I was really attracted to him. This was a permanent change - platonic feelings turned romantic & started to eat me up. Why did I feel this way? What if these feelings were mutual but never expressed?

 

Since this happened we have been in touch a lot. At one point he made an inappropriate sexual comment but other than that has been my normal friend & I let it go. I don't know if his girlfriend knows about me & he sometimes expresses discontent but they are serious. I realised I was so fulfilled by him emotionally that I had stopped seeking out relationships. I helped him through a bereavement recently & am glad I could be there for him. But I've stopped communication & somewhat dread hearing from him because it's like x1000 explosions going off inside me & an inability to stop thinking of him. How do I manage this recently changing friendship in the future? I don't want the distance I've put between us to be permanent, ideally.

[Lex30]

I have a friend who has been my confidante for many years. I never had any feelings for him but we had a lot in common - we talked all the time, were on the phone when not together & when I moved away for uni/work six years ago, we stayed in touch via email. During this time, I thought he fancied me a bit due to the fact he was always complimenting my pictures & being very affectionate in terms of his "love". He has helped me through all difficult periods of my life.

 

After I moved home we met up & I realised I was really attracted to him. This was a permanent change - platonic feelings turned romantic & started to eat me up. Why did I feel this way? What if these feelings were mutual but never expressed?

 

Since this happened we have been in touch a lot. At one point he made an inappropriate sexual comment but other than that has been my normal friend & I let it go. I don't know if his girlfriend knows about me & he sometimes expresses discontent but they are serious. I realised I was so fulfilled by him emotionally that I had stopped seeking out relationships. I helped him through a bereavement recently & am glad I could be there for him. But I've stopped communication & somewhat dread hearing from him because it's like x1000 explosions going off inside me & an inability to stop thinking of him. How do I manage this recently changing friendship in the future? I don't want the distance I've put between us to be permanent, ideally.

 

The inappropriate comment may have been a poor joke, he could regret it for all you know. One thing said like that over a long period of time is likely an outlier.

 

Well you know what I went through from my thread, but I feel your pain.

 

One thing that is common is my BFF helped me through a vulnerable time right after I broke up with my ex. She was doing nice things for me, was always hugging me to make me feel better and has essentially became the shoulder I needed to cry on. This is where my issues started as I misinterpreted some of this and she became that person I just felt comfortable being with. Her trying to be a best friend, making sure she was including me in plans and doing what she could to make me feel better, caused me to fall for her. So I think this is how maybe lines get crossed or maybe this is what got you to start wanting more from him. And it makes sense right? He made you feel at ease and you wanted more of that feeling. I know this is what caused it for me.

 

I felt bad about it to after while because I knew she didn't like me intimately yet he being so overly nice and helpful was triggering these feelings.

 

I know I am repeating myself from the last post I responded to but its worth saying it again. You have to start seeking other relationships, as time is being wasted on something that at least in the near future won't be. You can always leave the door open for him if he ever decides to walk through it but you just can't sit by that door your whole life waiting.

 

Also best friendships are so hard to find, especially as you get older. So I feel if you really like his as a friend, you have to try not to ruin that unless he is intentionally sending mixed signals, which in that case, its not worth it.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this and I know how difficult this is for you. I hope you can break through this issue, its very possible to do so and maintain a a good friendship with him.

[UnaKate]

The inappropriate comment may have been a poor joke, he could regret it for all you know. One thing said like that over a long period of time is likely an outlier.

 

Well you know what I went through from my thread, but I feel your pain.

 

One thing that is common is my BFF helped me through a vulnerable time right after I broke up with my ex. She was doing nice things for me, was always hugging me to make me feel better and has essentially became the shoulder I needed to cry on. This is where my issues started as I misinterpreted some of this and she became that person I just felt comfortable being with. Her trying to be a best friend, making sure she was including me in plans and doing what she could to make me feel better, caused me to fall for her. So I think this is how maybe lines get crossed or maybe this is what got you to start wanting more from him. And it makes sense right? He made you feel at ease and you wanted more of that feeling. I know this is what caused it for me.

 

I felt bad about it to after while because I knew she didn't like me intimately yet he being so overly nice and helpful was triggering these feelings.

 

I know I am repeating myself from the last post I responded to but its worth saying it again. You have to start seeking other relationships, as time is being wasted on something that at least in the near future won't be. You can always leave the door open for him if he ever decides to walk through it but you just can't sit by that door your whole life waiting.

 

Also best friendships are so hard to find, especially as you get older. So I feel if you really like his as a friend, you have to try not to ruin that unless he is intentionally sending mixed signals, which in that case, its not worth it.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this and I know how difficult this is for you. I hope you can break through this issue, its very possible to do so and maintain a a good friendship with him.

 

I suppose you are right, maybe he does regret it. But he does still sometimes call me beautiful, which did bother me a little. He also checks me out in person.

 

Honestly I think you've hit the nail on the head - I was beating myself up so much about why I was having all these feelings after so much time, but it makes sense that it's because of the comfort he brought me.

 

Is he intentionally giving mixed signals?. I don't know. Sometimes, I'll directly ask about his girlfriend and he'll ignore this and change the subject. Stuff like that bothers me. i don't think he is totally happy in his relationship, but that is for him to navigate. I think, at the moment, there are a lot of hormones flying around and we're also at that point where we might start thinking about the person we'd like to settle down with. I know he's feeling a bit unsettled in general at the moment.

 

I do believe this is going to be one of the most valuable friendships of my life. It would be nice if I could move past this and sustain the friendship in the future. But there have been times when I have considered cutting things off altogether. Maybe I'll be glad I didn't in the end. Who knows?

 

I just hope that I'm doing the right things to recover: creating communication distance and focusing on my life. I sometimes worry that these feelings won't subside & could prevent me giving myself completely to someone else.

Edited October 13, 2015 by UnaKate

[chapter44]

I would continue the friendship as normal and the next time he makes a comment about your appearance or anything else that can remotely be construed as flirting I would call him out and ask him why he is saying this to you when he is in a serious relationship. That will give him the opportunity to be honest about what he is really feeling. If he shares your romantic feelings I would tell him that your character would not entertain anything more than a friendship while he is in a relationship and then let him take the appropriate action. It could be that he feels the same way for you but doesn't want to give up the comfort of what he has if you don't have romantic feelings for him.

[Gloria25]

I would continue the friendship as normal and the next time he makes a comment about your appearance or anything else that can remotely be construed as flirting I would call him out and ask him why he is saying this to you when he is in a serious relationship. That will give him the opportunity to be honest about what he is really feeling. If he shares your romantic feelings I would tell him that your character would not entertain anything more than a friendship while he is in a relationship and then let him take the appropriate action.

 

Agreed ^^ handle his action in the moment. Put him on the spot instead of wondering what he may/may have not meant.

 

It could be that he feels the same way for you but doesn't want to give up the comfort of what he has if you don't have romantic feelings for him.

 

Don't agree. Guys who are interested act interested. No one is telling him to give up on his RL by simply talking frank with you and finding out what you feel for him. He's just lazy and "comfortable". How "else" is he going to find out if you have romantic feelings for him without you and him talking, getting to know each other one-on-one. No, I'm not saying he date you behind his gfs back but him simply inviting you for a coffee and laying it on the table isn't that hard to do.

 

I mean, in the position you are now. How can he figure out if you're interested romantically, cuz if you try to make a move on him - you're the double-timing chick who is trying to get a guy to cheat?

 

See my responses in bold...^^

 

For this guy to throw out little flirty comments just puts you in an awkward position and messes with your head. We're all freakin' adults here. Sit down, lay out your cards, if she doesn't see you like that, then you go back to being friends and call it a day.