grmi66 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Trying to figure out how to deal with jealous feelings about my GF's past. Logically I know that what happened before we met is in the past, but certain parts I just can't get over. We are both divorced, in our mid-40's and have similar backgrounds in that we both suffered abuse in our teens. The abuse led both of us to act out promiscuously. In addition, after our respective divorces we both made some really poor choices in regards to acting out with random people. About a month ago we had a really nice, long conversation about our past. We have decided to get engaged and wanted to make sure that neither one of us was shocked about the other's past. Neither one of us went into details, gave ballpark figures of how many people we had slept with and agreed to move forward from here and not judge our past. But it appears that there is one year that my GF seems to block from her memory. Coming off of a bad breakup she spent about 18 months in a number of short term FWB arrangements. So the first time we talked about our numbers 6 months ago, she told me that she slept with 7 men after her divorce. Then last month when we laid it all out on the table she told me about three more that were the short term FWB's in that bad year, plus a one night stand she had on a business trip. I swallowed hard, remembering my own indiscretions after a bad breakup and let it go. She was willing to give me grace about her past, so I will give her grace about hers. It's very hard to think that this smart, professional woman who is well known in her field had this secret life for 18 months. Things chewed me up inside for a couple of weeks, but I finally was able to let it go. I had to remember that these events took place almost 4 years ago. So a couple of days ago, she gives me access to her computer to clean up some files, upload some pictures and other misc. things. While cleaning things up I happened to notice some old emails that had a CraigsList posting in the subject line (She had multiple email accounts and this was one of the things that she wanted me to do, clean up an email account that she hadn't used in a few years). These were from that time period 4 years ago. Instead of going out on a few dates with guys from POF or OKCupid that turned into FWB arrangement like she told me, she was actively trolling for guys on the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist. From quickly scanning the emails, it appears that she slept with a bunch more men than she told me about. Do I ask her about it or let it go? Some of the ads she posted were very graphic in regards to what she was looking for. I honestly think that she has just tried to block that year from her memory. When I met her she was actively attending church, going to counseling and in a very good place overall. Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 1. She didn't "block out" that year from her memory. She just doesn't want to admit to it. 2. She lied to you. Repeatedly. 3. Whatever she's told you is most certainly the partial truth. Choosing to confront her is up to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Do I ask her about it or let it go? Is that request for advice or predictions about what you are actually going to do? I'll lay odds that you can't resist and pick that scab. Following up everyone of her responses with 'But why?'. That's the prediction, now here's my advice: Yes, let it go. Can she give you a perfect response? Can she give you some sort of insight that will lay this all into perfect perspective for you? Or instead, will you always be prying for more and letting your imagination run wild, no matter what answer she gives? Let it go. Unless you can't. In that case, I suggest you end things. I guarantee you that if you start down the rabbit hole of finding out more you will not only not be satisfied, you will be even more disgusted with each answer she gives. So in both cases, don't ask. Either break up and leave her and her past behind you, or stay together and accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I would tell her what you found. Then wait for her to respond. Then after hearing what she had to say I would say that you are not happy that she lied to you. Tell her though this was done before she met you. So you feel that she can be faithful to you, except for her lying to you has you nervous. If you can get pass this the keep her if not dump her. You are not going to find many low mileage 40 yo women to date. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 1. She didn't "block out" that year from her memory. She just doesn't want to admit to it. 2. She lied to you. Repeatedly. 3. Whatever she's told you is most certainly the partial truth. Choosing to confront her is up to you. Oh, puleeeeze.... I have several years in my life where I was very promiscuous that I have blocked out. I know there were lots of guys, but I can't remember details or specifics. Doesn't mean I'm lying at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Oh, puleeeeze.... I have several years in my life where I was very promiscuous that I have blocked out. I know there were lots of guys, but I can't remember details or specifics. Doesn't mean I'm lying at all. It was 4 years ago... not 40 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It was 4 years ago... not 40 Some of my "lost years" were only a few years ago. It CAN happen! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Some of my "lost years" were only a few years ago. It CAN happen! So you're saying you have traumatic amnesia? Somehow I doubt that his GF using the casual encounters section of craigslist is a repressed memory due to traumatic amnesia... More than likely. She's lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So you're saying you have traumatic amnesia? In my case, who knows? I simply know that I have bumped into guys who "knew me" that I did not remember. Why? I can't tell you. Somehow I doubt that his GF using the casual encounters section of craigslist is a repressed memory due to traumatic amnesia... More than likely. She's lying. The point is, one just never knows. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You seem pretty concerned that she's crossed a "slut line" in your mind. If so then understand: that line can't be un-crossed and it's likely you will never see her the same again. If that's the case then admit it to yourself and end this now. It's your life, the only one you get, and if you want someone without her baggage then that's fine. And, of course, she deserves the freedom to find someone who will love and respect her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
perol Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You're both in your mid 40s youre both out of failed marriages, you're not planning to have anymore children (right?), she has a questionable history, she's been dishonest with you.. I'm not saying leave her but why the heck would you marry again, especially someone with such a questionable past and who is an obvious liar? Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You seem pretty concerned that she's crossed a "slut line" in your mind. If so then understand: that line can't be un-crossed and it's likely you will never see her the same again. If that's the case then admit it to yourself and end this now. It's your life, the only one you get, and if you want someone without her baggage then that's fine. And, of course, she deserves the freedom to find someone who will love and respect her. I actually disagree. Maybe I'm unusual, but I can actually come to terms with those types of things. There are various lines, some worse than others. Some lines can be uncrossed. To me, her trolling craigslist would be less of a concern than the dishonesty and her "poor memory". Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 How does what she did before you met change the person that she is now, since she's been with you? She's still the same smart, professional woman you chose to be engaged to, isn't she? What good would it do to confront her about it? Doesn't look like it would make you feel better to talk it through with her no matter what but if you can't live with it / handle it, you're gonna have to explain to her why you've started resenting her bc she'll likely notice and will want to know the reason. I've never disclosed my private stuff to any of my partners and I don't even have any secrets hiding in my closet. I guess I'll never understand why sharing your sexual past is such a big deal to ppl; values and morals and principles and boundaries yes, but I can't see the point in getting info on anyone's sexual past. It's not like it's gonna help in any way shape or form your next partner since not one person likes the same stuff in bed anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 What good would it do to confront her about it? Doesn't look like it would make you feel better to talk it through with her no matter what but if you can't live with it / handle it, you're gonna have to explain to her why you've started resenting her bc she'll likely notice and will want to know the reason. I agree with this advice. Also this: I've never disclosed my private stuff to any of my partners and I don't even have any secrets hiding in my closet. I guess I'll never understand why sharing your sexual past is such a big deal to ppl; values and morals and principles and boundaries yes, but I can't see the point in getting info on anyone's sexual past. It's not like it's gonna help in any way shape or form your next partner since not one person likes the same stuff in bed anyway... There's stuff in my past I'm not proud of and would rather forget. Bringing it up with any guy I date is just going to force me to recall it and I don't want to. Nor will it be relevant as I am a completely different person now. I agree that it's good to share general things because you want to feel like you share the same morals and viewpoints now. It's not as if you literally forget the past but you just want to put it into a box and move on. Maybe this is what she is trying to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I agree with this advice. Also this: There's stuff in my past I'm not proud of and would rather forget. Bringing it up with any guy I date is just going to force me to recall it and I don't want to. Nor will it be relevant as I am a completely different person now. I agree that it's good to share general things because you want to feel like you share the same morals and viewpoints now. It's not as if you literally forget the past but you just want to put it into a box and move on. Maybe this is what she is trying to do? Until you run into them at the bar with your boyfriend... or your "bestie" has too many drinks and starts telling stories... or he asks why your nickname in high school was "fingercuffs"... Better to just be honest IMO Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Until you run into them at the bar with your boyfriend... or your "bestie" has too many drinks and starts telling stories... or he asks why your nickname in high school was "fingercuffs"... Better to just be honest IMO If they will find out anyway, better to hear it from you. I agree. But I won't be divulging every aspect of my past to the next guy because it's none of his business. If he asks me a straight question, I will always give an honest answer though. The way I see it, my past is like an actor in another story - it isn't even me. It's also easy to say "be honest about everything in your past" when you don't have traumatic memories to deal with or if you haven't done anything bad. Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 No, I have done many things I regret and I'm a much different person now, but I still think it's really important to tell your SO about anything "bad" you've done in the past. I certainly wouldn't feel good about myself if I had to keep those things bottled up inside or continually hide things about my life. Every time I get something off my chest it feels better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grmi66 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Thanks for the various viewpoints. I was not a saint either after my divorce either, got over it with a bunch of one night stands, a hooker or two, some short term FWB and other weird things that I got into trolling the "Casual Encounters" section of CraigsList myself. Thank God I got myself into counseling at the urging of a few friends and turned things around. Returned to being a fairly conservative, church going guy who used to teach Sunday School. Yes I get bugged that she claims she only slept with 10 guys since her divorce over a decade ago and I know it's more. But at the same time I need to remind myself that I slept with at least 25 women in only three years since my divorce. She never asked me my number, just wanted a ballpark. Our first date we discussed openly our faith, how we went to church, etc... Her viewpoint is that she made mistakes, reconciled it through her faith and returning to church. Guess I am just trying to sort things out. Keep loving the woman who thinks I am the perfect match or keep picking at the scab to see what else there is? Everything else in the relationship is about as perfect as it can be. We both feel like we were given a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Maybe the best thing is to let her know what you've seen. It's not like you were snooping either. As you've done much the same as she did, just say you'd like her to feel comfortable to know you won't judge her. It's like an epidemic recently with guys finding out about their wives sexual history...... It's the way men judge women that causes them to not tell all. Women don't seem to judge what their husbands or BFs did in the past the same way. It's a double standard. I think my sexual history before I met my husband is none of my business and vice versa. What I did with other men has nothing to do with him and it's not something we discussed. I don't keep emails, letters, journals or any other stuff that relates to XBFs or encounters. I always used to write those things in code anyway, so only I knew what I meant. Don't get married without discussing it though. Make her feel safe to talk. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grmi66 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 So I've pretty much wrapped my head around things. Just let the past be the past and worry about our future. We are compatible in so many ways and even the people around us have commented on how good we are for each other. Her adult children are looking forward to us getting married and like how I take care of her. Just two things that I just can't shake out of my head. Have tried really hard to get these images out and I just can't. When we had our big talk a few weeks ago, certain sexual acts that we haven't done yet were being discussed. She admitted that she had already done them. During her wild phase 4 years ago she dated a man almost 14 years younger than her who was in his 20's. All she told me is that he was young and adventurous and opened her up to new experiences. I'm almost 50 and in great shape for my age, but I will never be 27 again like this guy was. I've expressed these doubts to her and she reassured me that yes it was fun with this guy, but because he was 27 intercourse never lasted more than a minute or two. I can hold my own and take my time and she appreciates that more. The second thing is that in her CraigsList ad she stated that she needs guys who are well endowed, that size really matters to her. Again, I've been told by a few women that while I'm not hung like a horse, size-wise I'm bigger than average. With my current GF she told me from the start that I am the perfect size for her, but now in the back of my mind I'm second guessing myself. From piecing the puzzle together, it appears that this period of her life really shook her up. Was drinking too much, dealing with three unruly teenagers and taking on a very stressful year long work project. Her outlet was sex. She truly regrets it, went to counseling and started taking anti-depressants to cool her need for short term affairs. I went through the same thing after my divorce and again after a year long relationship went sour. My GF understands why I needed to do the things I did. Again logically I can process things, but emotionally it's tough. Guess it will just take some time. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Just two things that I just can't shake out of my head. Have tried really hard to get these images out and I just can't. When we had our big talk a few weeks ago, certain sexual acts that we haven't done yet were being discussed. She admitted that she had already done them. During her wild phase 4 years ago she dated a man almost 14 years younger than her who was in his 20's. All she told me is that he was young and adventurous and opened her up to new experiences. I'm almost 50 and in great shape for my age, but I will never be 27 again like this guy was. I've expressed these doubts to her and she reassured me that yes it was fun with this guy, but because he was 27 intercourse never lasted more than a minute or two. I can hold my own and take my time and she appreciates that more. The second thing is that in her CraigsList ad she stated that she needs guys who are well endowed, that size really matters to her. Again, I've been told by a few women that while I'm not hung like a horse, size-wise I'm bigger than average. With my current GF she told me from the start that I am the perfect size for her, but now in the back of my mind I'm second guessing myself. What GF needed then is not what she needs now. She needed to explore different acts and wanted to see what the fuss was all about a large penis. She got all of that out of her system. A good point is that she is willing to do those things with you that you have not done. But what about the lying to you? What has she said about that? What makes you believe what she is saying now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author grmi66 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 What GF needed then is not what she needs now. She needed to explore different acts and wanted to see what the fuss was all about a large penis. She got all of that out of her system. A good point is that she is willing to do those things with you that you have not done. But what about the lying to you? What has she said about that? What makes you believe what she is saying now? I really don't think she is lying to be deceitful. She did have a POF account during this time frame. She is similar to some other women I have dated that once they are done with a relationship or certain period of time, they shut the door on it. From piecing things together it looks like she got a new phone number after all this was out of her system, stopped using that particular email account and closed that chapter of her life. We have been very open and honest throughout our relationship. Feel like we have been given a second chance at marriage and being good partners. Just like I haven't divulged every sordid thing I did, neither has she. Kind of know some generalities, ballpark number of partners and our collective bad experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 grmi66: you Gf is so ashamed by that period of her life she wants out of her memory, you need to find a away to move on and don't let this bother you since you guys are fitting each others life, do whatever it takes to get over what you discovered even if that means talking to her about it. if you decide to do that just be careful, because other than shame she could have other reaction to that shady part of he life that she went trough during the period when she was trying to heal herself. do not attack or accuse just nicely reveal what you discovered and let her know that you are willing to talk about it if she wish 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silverlight Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Maybe the best thing is to let her know what you've seen. It's not like you were snooping either. As you've done much the same as she did, just say you'd like her to feel comfortable to know you won't judge her. It's like an epidemic recently with guys finding out about their wives sexual history...... It's the way men judge women that causes them to not tell all. Women don't seem to judge what their husbands or BFs did in the past the same way. It's a double standard. I think my sexual history before I met my husband is none of my business and vice versa. What I did with other men has nothing to do with him and it's not something we discussed. I don't keep emails, letters, journals or any other stuff that relates to XBFs or encounters. I always used to write those things in code anyway, so only I knew what I meant. Don't get married without discussing it though. Make her feel safe to talk. Actually it is not a double standard. Men and women are fundamentally different. They are drastically different in society. You cannot compare apples to oranges, double standards apply to two of the SAME. To put it into perspective, a woman only has to open her legs. On the other hand, a man must work and invest himself in order to appear attractive enough for a woman to give up the goods. There is a reason why men judge women for their past, God forbid men have any standards at all amirite? Link to post Share on other sites
Author grmi66 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 To put it into perspective, a woman only has to open her legs. On the other hand, a man must work and invest himself in order to appear attractive enough for a woman to give up the goods. Some truth to this. From reading one of the emails it appears that she got almost 150 responses from men in 24 hours after posting one ad on CraigsList. If I posted a similar ad on CraigsList that I was looking for a FWB with a woman or two and hoped to corral a stable of them I doubt I would get more than a response or two. I'm just glad she came to her senses and went back to being a church going woman that I was able to meet. Link to post Share on other sites
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